Food For Thought

[Castus Annen]

The change in demeanor was abrupt and more than noticeable. The sheer difference from the man who'd stepped through his doorway to the man who stood before him in the aftermath of his query was shocking.

Which a furrow of his brow, Castus reached a paw up to scratch behind a small ear.

"Feel no shame, Jofar."

A long exhale, then.

"You are in a place of acceptance, here. As long as there is no shame, in anything that you have done, then I believe you and I are in a rather unique realm of camaraderie."

It was a strange admission, but the only type that he knew how to make.

[Joey Rabeak]

"I'm not in trouble?" the words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop them. Joey blamed the buiberrytini.

His eyes studied the Selonian, until widening in realization. "Oh," he nodded. "Oh! Oh, okay, oh, wow, um... I, I didn't know." Words which had just moments before been itching to get out suddenly stumbled and tripped over each other, and he looked the Rear Admiral over again, from toes to eartips, the insides of his own ears flushing pink with embarrassment. At last a smile worked up his muzzle, and he tried to stifle a giggle. "So, when I was hitting on you in the restaurant, you're not mad about that?"

[Castus Annen]

"I am not."

It was a sentence that he uttered after a rather long pause. The Nehantite was relieved, and Castus was not about to bring back his previous nervousness.

"I would recommend that you make your advances less obvious in the future, however."

He spoke from a position of extreme caution, as he was still of the generation that guarded their tendencies.

But, in the privacy of his office, the Selonian was at least willing to allow himself the chance to relax; if not just a small bit.

"Your interest was a welcome thing, I will admit," he chewed out, "... I am not used to such things."

Castus steepled his fingers.

"I had a lover, once. A pilot, like you. We were together for a very long time."

He could still smell Stali's scent, sometimes, in the memory of his olfactory senses.

"Is there one close to you, that you keep close to your heart?"

[Joey Rabeak]

Waves of different emotions coursed through the Nehantite, along with reminders not to wobble, and cover it by adjusting his stance to stand at ease. "I've been told I can be too direct, at times," he nodded. "I'm... still trying to work on that. When I saw you, sir, I found you quite attractive, and, well, I kind of started thinking with the wrong brain, there."

That was as far as he could go without avoiding Castus's final question. His tone sombering, Joey nodded. "There was, many years ago. Another boy, no, man. A man I loved very much. A man I gave my heart to, and he to me, but our society would not allow it. They tore us apart, tore my family apart, and destroyed our chances at a future. I was fortunate to have money, but he did not. I tried to help him, but in the end, he turned to drugs and it killed him. I miss him, dearly, but I have had to move on. There have been two or three men since then whom I have cared for, but it did not last with any of them. So, until I meet another good man, I have allowed myself to partake in the urges of my race, and to enjoy myself with others how I see fit."

A smirk worked up his muzzle, and he chuckled. "In fact, when your message came through, I was at a club." The details about how close to making a move were left out, though his tail began flicking again, though this time in more playful a fashion. "If I may be so bold as to ask, sir, how obvious would you recommend I make my advances with you now, since we know things we did not know, before?"

[Castus Annen]

"For the time being, I would recommend that you make no advances."

His words were spoken with a crisp clip, as he let his attentions travel down to the spread of flimsis and datapads on his desk. He did not want to entertain the thought of replacing Stali. Well, not yet, at least. Or perhaps it was too painful? Jofar had many years ahead of him, to experience and take in so many things. He had had one, once before, who had held his heart. And he had lost that one. Perhaps the two were more alike than Castus had originally thought? Perhaps they were fated to meet?

He wished to know more of Jofar, and that meant knowing more of where it was that Jofar came from.

"Sit," again he gestured for the Nehantite to take a seat, " ... and tell me of the society that would not accept you and your love."

[Joey Rabeak]

In one sentence, Joey's spirits flipped from target lock to going down in flames. Perhaps he'd be back in the club after this, after all.

Situating himself in the offered seat, he tried to imagine just where to begin, or how to sum it up. In the end, it seemed wisest to just sort of let it out.

"I'm not sure how much you know of Nehantish, sir, or of our culture or ways. Most simply know us as engineers, or technicians; it's what gets us off-world. But when someone is called a Nehantite, it can mean two different things," he began. "Our planet, is now called Nehantish, and our race, Nehantites, but that's mostly due to governmental positioning and power in marketing. We don't have a centralized government, sir, not like most planets. On Nehantish there are five major kingdoms, though some aren't really kingdoms, we just use that as a name. I am of the actual kingdom of Nehantish, ruled over by the Sultan, nobles, and a sort of elected government mostly made up of nobles. In my kingdom, for a male to love another male is... forbidden. It is considered base, animal, immoral. It used to be illegal, but now it'll just ruin your chances of getting into a good school, getting a job, getting a loan, renting an apartment - anything, really. It's not illegal, but you can't have a life. In two of the other kingdoms, it is legal, and there are protections, but immigration is difficult, and expensive.

"I fell in love with my best friend when I was thirteen. He was fifteen, and had just gone through his first mating season. I should explain, that starting around fifteen, Nehantite males develop an urge to mate, an all-consuming need for sexual encounter, which lasts for four or five days, and it strikes them every year. No amount of self-control can overcome it. In times long past, a male would typically be married shortly before this time, and could be with his wife. Males who were not married would go to brothels. Those who could not afford brothels... engaged in mating with each other. For four or five days. This was seen as shameful, as it was allowing the animals we once were to overcome us, making us no longer men, but beasts. These gatherings were at first ignored, then re-named as 'relief centers,' as if that made it better. To be with another male meant you were no more than an animal, for males would resort to sexual activity with each other in these times.

"I'm told that around a hundred and fifty years ago, this changed with the development of a drug. CC-30. Taken monthly, it can delay a mating season urge by about 30 days, and can be taken up to four years consistently. But then the body requires release, or it will suffer immense psychological, and physical, damage, so you have to engage in mating season, be it with your spouse, females in a brothel, or... at a relief center.

"Like I said, my boyfriend had just had his first experience at a relief center, and I asked him about it. I didn't know he fancied me at the time, but he offered to show me, so... we mated. A few times. And then we kissed. It was then that I fell for him, with every part of my being, and we had to hide our relationship. We did for two years, until my father caught us in the act. To my surprise, he was not angry, and later that night we had a talk, and I confessed my love for Hamesh - my lover. He seemed to understand, but told me to be careful. I was, and he watched out for us, even going so far as to help arrange us time and safe places to be together. It went well, until Hamesh and I were caught again, this time by my mother. She could not accept it.

"She called me a deviant, and she called Hamesh a demon. A demon preying on a minor, for he was nineteen, then, and I was only seventeen. She called the cops, and had Hamesh arrested. I tried to tell her I loved him, but she wouldn't have it. I tried to tell her that my father knew, and supported me, and that... that was the worst mistake of my life. She reported my father for encouraging deviancy, and I was forbidden from ever having contact with him again. She divorced him, and took everything. It destroyed my family. Hamesh's family threw him out on the street when they learned of it all, and he lost his job. I... I tried to help him. I gave him money for places to stay, for clothes, for food, but no one would take him in. And in the end... it was my money that wound up buying him the drugs which provided him escape from all the hate. My money that he used to buy the drugs that killed him.

"He died because my culture simply could not understand that two boys could love each other. Truly love each other, with all their heart and body."

[Castus Annen]

It was a long tale of heartbreak, and Castus listened with intent. He took in every word that Jofar spoke, trying to understand the terrible consequences that had come from only trying to... to do the right thing.

It was in some ways similar to the mindset of his own people, and he let his gaze fall to his desk in thought. They were alike, in some ways. Expected to be creators of more life, when all that they wanted to do was live their own lives.

"Hamesh and Jofar."

He let the two names roll over his tongue slowly, feeling how each consonant and vowel sounded. And, well, they sounded right. As though they belonged together, like the most perfect of couplings. It was a tragedy then, that their time had been torn to pieces in such a way. The Selonian closed his eyes, a slow motion of his eyelids that seemed exceedingly deliberate.

"I am sorry for your loss, Jofar."

And then his eyes slowly opened once more, sending their gaze to the young Nehantite before him.

"Your story is tragic, and I feel pain for you. It is not all of the time easy to be as you and I are."

For a short moment he seemed to look at Jofar with a critical eye, as if re-positioning the pieces of the young Nehantite around, with this new information. Behind the cocky, brash pilot was one who had been terribly hurt and torn from love. It was tragic.

"I have a fear, however, that you are looking for a medicine that lasts for only a short while. Something that is a topical treatment."

There was a sting in his voice; not of condemnation however, but rather the sting of a loss. A loss of an old friend and lover. And buried even further beneath those tones, was the intention of one hoping to find a way to salve that wound.

[Joey Rabeak]

You sound like my dad, Joey said to himself, and thankfully not aloud.

"Perhaps," the Nehantite nodded, weighing what he knew was in his file on the Rear Admiral's desk. "But at the same time, is it right to deny myself the pleasure my body seeks? A pleasure so strong that my creator insisted that my race know it, and know it fully?"

It was the wrong thing to say, but before he could be told off by the voice of wisdom, he added, "After all, it was only after sex - glorious, passionate, intensely spiritual sex - that Hamesh and I found our connection, discovered we truly loved each other. If my creator brought me my love once in such a way, should I believe he would not do so a second time?"

[Castus Annen]

"Your creator," Castus rumbled lowly, choosing his words carefully, "was not so silly as to make his creations so singularly in their desires, I would imagine."

A pause, as he pulled back. He did not know the full breadth of the Nehantish creation myth, or the creator that governed it, and in a moment of personal indulgence he had presumed to dictate the intentions of such. The Selonian fell silent, internally chastising himself for a moment before slowly resuming.

"What you had with Hamesh was no doubt a pure thing."

But, talk of Jofar's personal life was not the only reason that he'd been called here.

"However, you are here now, because one of my squadrons has recently found itself with a vacancy."

Castus pulled a datapad from beneath a small stack of flimsis, and deftly flicked it on.

"Would you be interested in such a posting?"

[Joey Rabeak]

Joey's brow raised, then crimped as the offer was posed. It was not what he had expected the visit to entail, not in the slightest, and he was visibly caught off guard. An offer to change squadrons, to head out on a forward ship and be more likely to engage the enemy where it mattered. It was the sort of thing which could prove a young pilot, yet Joey hesitated.

On Jovan, he had found a home, a new family in his squadron, and the surprise reunion with his father. Then there was Zane, the tea house, and his slowly building reputation as a good pilot within Titan Squadron - a squadron many pilots would fight to join. He considered what it would mean to leave all that behind, and to take on the Rear Admiral's offer.

Pink eyes studied the Selonian once more, and he attempted not to shift in his seat as he felt that familiar tightness in his trousers. "Sir, may I be permitted to ask some questions as to your motive for this offer?" he asked at last. Gaining a nod, he took a breath, forming his words in his mind.

"The offer is flattering," he said. "To serve a Rear Admiral directly as part of his squadron is no small honor, yet I get the impression this offer is not based solely upon my skills in the cockpit. You suggested I make no advances, but I feel you have just made one on me, sir, as I feel you are considering my sexuality as well, and are indirectly inviting me in hopes of forming a romantic relationship. I know Selonians don't lie, so your words are careful to disguise meaning when possible - and that is not meant as an insult, sir."

A breath, and he sat back in his chair, looking the Rear Admiral directly in the eye. "I need to know: is this offer being made so that I might further my career under you, or is it so could have me close to you both physically, and intimately?"

[Castus Annen]

A single brow-ridge rose, and Castus allowed himself to slowly lean back in his seat, the stiff leather creaking beneath his weight. He considered the question put to him, and without breaking eye contact, steepled his thick fingers together, two digits slowly tapping each other.

"We do not lie," he started slowly in confirmation, "... that is true."

"My reasons for giving you this offer is largely on the merits of your Academy scores - " the rhythmic tapping was paused, as one hand rose to lift a finger up, " - after you chose to enter the pilot program. Your record since arriving at Jovan is one that any commanding officer would be proud to have in his ranks, and Commander Akiena has been an honest judge of your performance since being placed in Titan Squad. Yours is a talent and presence that many would wish to have."

The second part of Jofar's question was considered with equal thoughtfulness.

"As for whether I wish to begin an intimate partnership, I will tell you now, in this moment, that I am not looking for such a thing. What you perceive as an advance is simply understanding. You and I choose to enjoy the company of those of the same sex, but that does not mean that any offer given is rooted in a desire to copulate. I will admit to you that I find you curious and unique, but for the time being, that is as far as my interest goes."

The Selonian let a bare moment of silence to hover before going on.

"For now, I am extending my offer so that you might continue your career, and grow into the pilot that your instructors at the Academy believed you could be."

[Joey Rabeak]

...for the time being. For now. Key words when regarding what he knew of Selonians. Other races would have simply used a double entente, or outright lied with a wink, but Joey guessed that careful world placement was the Selonian equivalent. He'd be a terrible Selonian, with all the lies and deception in his own life, but that was neither here nor there. This conversation was about honesty, even if it took several side streets and back alleys on its way to its point.

"I see," Joey nodded. It bought time, time to think, time to work out what were his real thoughts, what were hormones, and what was alcohol. His tailtip flicked and bounced again, now operating under its own direction, as his brain occupied itself fully.

"Sir, I hope you will understand if I am conflicted at your offer," Sitting up straighter, he paused to adjust himself, having no reason to hide it. "I came here expecting your summons to be either a reprimand, or a booty call, and I was wrong on both." Joey chuckled, then held up a paw to be allowed to continue. "Your offer is generous, yes, but if I go back to when you asked if I was happy on Jovan, I feel my answer would be no better if I served under you. Location means less to me than the people and experiences which surround me. I have made friends here, I have purpose, and I have my father back in my life, which means a great deal. At the same time, I could go farther in my career with you, but there is a problem there."

He swallowed, then cleared his throat lightly. "You might not desire an intimate relationship with me now, and perhaps you never will, but I desire one. A man my age craves such things, and I worry that I would either unintentionally exert pressure on you for such a relationship, or I would unintentionally break your heart if one was not offered before I found myself in the arms of another man, causing potential jealousy. But that's not the biggest worry I have.

"I worry that if, as I guess may be hidden in how you have worded things, you may eventually have feelings for me of such a nature, that it would reflect poorly upon you to be in a relationship with one of your subordinates. A Lieutenant Junior Grade with a Rear Admiral? It will not matter how well I perform in the cockpit, there would always be rumors or favoritism. It could cost both of us our careers, and I don't trust my desires to keep me from attempting to be with you - you've seen in my file how they've gotten me in trouble in the past. For the sake of honesty, I'll admit it: I find you immensely attractive, sir, and that may cause me errors in judgement in the future with the arrangement you have offered me."

He bit his lower lip, chewing on it before adding. "And, right now might not be the best time for me to be making this decision, sir."

[Castus Annen]

The bout of honestly, and the lack of double-meanings was something that he found himself greatly appreciating, and Castus slowly gave a nod to Jofar.

"Your words have merit, and I thank you for that."

The datapad he still held was slowly set to the desk. He had intended to hand it to the Nehantite, so that the young man could peruse the information on Krayt Squadron and its members. Now though, he simply switched it back off.

"I can also understand your reluctance, and will respect your wishes. If you feel that your best work can be done here, on Jovan, then I'll not press the matter any further."

He thought for a short bit, before addressing the other words that Jofar had spoken.

"What I want and desire, for myself personally, is not relevant. For me, at the very least. When I say that I am not looking for a mate, I promise to you that right now, I am not. Perhaps in the future yes, but in the present, it is not advisable."

He could've spoken more. Spoken of Stali, and of the many years that the two had been so purely intimate in more ways than the simple physical act. But, his privacy was well-guarded, and at this juncture he wished to say nothing. Instead, his fingers returned to their steepled form.

"Perhaps in the future, when you feel that your time on Jovan has reached its conclusion, I will be able to accommodate you."

[Joey Rabeak]

"Sir, it... wasn't a no," Joey replied with a staying paw.

"Your offer is great indeed, but like I said, this really isn't the best time for me to be making such an important decision." He bit his lip again, then let his broad shoulders slump. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"

[Castus Annen]

Castus considered the request, then finally gave a nod.

"You may."

[Joey Rabeak]

Joey's ears came back up, and he attempted to smile. "Sir, the reason I can't answer you right now is because I'm not in a fit state to do so," he began.

"Between dinner and now, I hit a club, had a few drinks, and was well into the mood for... you know. So I'm a little drunk, and more than a little preoccupied with other thoughts. I'd like the chance to sleep on this, as right now one part of me would like to serve under you, but another part is telling me how badly it wants to be under you."

[Castus Annen]

If there was any reaction to the young Nehantite's last words, Castus gave no indication, as his ermine features remained steadfast.

"I'm sure," he finally gave in response.

Yet, he let little breath pass before going on.

"If you wish to think further on my offer, then by all means, please do. Such a decision is not made in a short amount of time."

Slowly then, the Selonian disengaged his hands from each other to reach forward and begin gathering the flimsis and datapads that were laid out upon his desk.

"Tend to your previous endeavors, Jofar. I am patient."

[Joey Rabeak]

"It's not because of lack of character or personal responsibility, sir," Joey replied.

Rising from his seat, he straightened his flight jacket.

"The Alliance loses more fighter pilots every day than any other occupation. I never know if I'll have a tomorrow, so I must make the most of my every day. To let others know how I feel about them, in case I don't another chance. If this has come off as immature or irresponsible, I apologize, but I'd rather apologize for that than leave someone wanting. I know what it's like to miss someone who had no tomorrow, sir."