Azhure Night

:: Dios was sitting in the bar, he had a few empty bottles in front of him and his dreams had given him a deja vu of this several times within the last hour or so::
Where is she? I'm not even drunk yet and she hasn't arrived, ya'd figure when the force gives ya a bone it'd really give it to you...
:: Dios laughed at himself, he could say what he wanted, the light side was more revitalizing than the holy water was. And plus he really needed to talk to her.::

::Azhure walked up without a word and sat down, looking at the drunk new 'jedi' expectantly. What did he want to talk about?::

:: Dios straightened up at the sight of Azhure, he had to think for a moment... what had he been wanting to say... oh well...::
How are you Azhure? Well? Want a drink? A drink that will drown your demons and mine?

::Azhure shook her head. She didn get drunk, it blinds your senses and makes you more vunerable to attack. Her initial senses kicked in, and generally they werent very subtle.::

Alcohol does unpleasant things to oneself.
First of all, get straight to the point, I'd like to hear what someone who tried to kill a friend has to say.

:: Dios quickly snapped up and his eyes weren't dilated anymore::
Azhure, I tried to kill you too. Don't think that I wouldn't have kept on trying had I not been able to see past the darkness. The dark side had my entire revenge planned out and you were a big part of that. I also know that you wouldn't even like to hear what I have to say, you'd prefer not to have anything to do with me. Forget the drink, it was a bad year anyways. I am jedi and I have sworn myself to protect and restore the peaceful and the innocent and serve justice and the jedi order. I will gladly obey your command to be straight to the point now that you know where I stand, I swear by my family's grave. I ask your forgiveness. I will never cause such pain in anyone, I will try to heal those scars that I've created. I am deeply sorry and beg of your answer. How you answer will be totally understood if you say no. Somethings cause pain and can not be forgotten. Every decision has it's consequences and i take full responsibility for what I've done.
:: Dios stands up and bows in front of Azhure, waiting her answer...::

::Naturally trained to eb suspicious of most people she eyed him, and went through his words in her head. Sipping her drink she studied him without expression.::

Many have tried to kill me, you need not worry yourself about creating any scarres.
If you are here for redemption then I can understand though I am very wary and suspicious of you, I will not lie.
I just do not see how one day you try and kill from a deep rooted hatred, then the next day suddenly change, it took me four years to change.
You are right, every action has a consequence

::She did not flicker in showign emotion, only studied him, her eyes were careful and almost sizing up, like she used to do in her assasin days and she knew it made many nervous. She was not altogether sure of his motives, people could lie, and joining the jedi and gaining trust was a good way to get to Tomak and herself. Azhure did not trust instantly, and though she had not said she had forgiven him, she had almost said she understood if he was being genuine::

:: Dios downed a drink and stared at Azhure::
I will not lie either Azhure, I open myself to you, search me with the force... I have no hate... my family and master may finally rest in their coffins without me constantly calling upon their strength. I only rely upon my abilty in the force now. The force and my friends are all I need, Tomak, Chase, Xazor, and Grey... many others... but that is for you to decide, am I still evil? I believe I have been forgiven and I bask in the light, do you question Xazor, she gladly welcomed me into the jedi, would she have let me in as a sith? Open yourself Azhure, let your emotions and intelligence and the force guide you, don't rely on only one...
:: Dios made a grim face as he poured another glass::

::Azhure smiled softly, the first sign of emotion, but the smile may not have been a welcoming smile::

I believe Xazor has a lot more faith in people than I have. You were right to ask her to forgive and not me when you asked to join. My emotional side has only let me down in the past and I use it now for one thing, for the force and for being a jedi.
I find it almost amusing that you wish to let me inside your mind. I will if you do not mind of course?

::Azhure looked at him, though she did not completely trust hi, she knew the privacy respect about ones mind, this was not a battle, or a battlefield::

:: Dios opened his mind to her and felt sorry for her before he cleared his mind so she wouldn't be so crowded by random thoughts::
Before you do I want to say thank you for giving me a chance Azhure.

::Azhure looked at him for a moment, surprised by this comment then went into the activity of entering Dios's mind.

What hit her was the guilt in him, guilt? So he was feeling guilt. She dwelled a little further into that guilt, and found the guilt of trying to kill them and a longing? Why? For her forgiveness? When had anyone cared for her forgiveness. That fact urked her, she didnt like anyone needing anything from her.
He now had friends, Xazor she could predict, Chase, Grey, Tomak? After god knows how many years of hatred they were friends? Strange. Another word popped up, Kira? Interesting. She dwelled into the side of him. There was a certain honour towards it, and a little of the loyalty. The light side to him seemed to let him...cherish life? This was enough, for the enxt side she went into was somehtign she didnt particularly want to see.
Withdrawing from his mind she looked at him and nodded, sayign nothing for quite a while, then asking a nearby droid for water. After long thought and calxulations she turned her attention again to Dios and nodded, eyeing him this time, with some knowledge and perhaps a little more respect::

You surprise me. I thought otherwise, but your mind is a corrective. I will trust you for now, but do not do anything stupid for I am ever wary. I forgive you and wish you well in your endevours in the light side

:: Dios laughed and poured himself three glasses and slid one to Azhure while he downed the other two::
I, Azhure, will not do anything stupid. Drink this once please, in a toast to the force and all it does! You talk as if you are leaving... stay and talk...talk and enjoy company. Azhure, you said that emotion led you to weakness before, ignore that... You must not let your feelings "cloud" your judgment, but to close them out is to deny the force at all times...

I use the emotions enough for the force to be used, but to weakness comes with people, I will stay, but I am not one for alcohol

::She allowed herself a smile and relaxed in the chair, a clear sign to him she wasnt going anywhere::

What I want to know is why you joined the jedi, after wanting so much to be in the sith.

::She siad this in a lighter tone::

:: Dios darkened at what she had last said and downed more drink. He thought for a moment.::
I did not want to join the sith, that was my big problem, between the lines, I wanted the sith to join me, but I was insignificant and would not be strong enough to sway them to me, plus a few other emotional problems at the time.
:: He laughed at the last statement then continued::
I spent the night in acid rain at a street in the city. I felt tremendous amounts of pain but I still bear no scars of it, life in itself was a world of not to be remembered pain! After the rain ended I passed out and had several dreams, one being of this, but it never told the ending to any of them. But one was of my master, he had appeared in front of me and asked me why I had done what I had done. I said for the death of my family and the murder of him. He said that he could not rest because I drew upon them to accomplish my dark plans. He told me to turn from the sith and join the jedi, do what he had trained me to do. So I did. I respect my master, as I will when i get my new master.
:: the man brightened up as he had another drink::
You must realize, emotions enough to use the force are not enough. I'm glad you stayed, truly, but, dammit, Azhure, drop the assassin-no-emotion crap and open up for once! Nothing will happen... and don't give off those I don't need you vibes either.
:: Dios laughed at how bold he was being to Azhure and shut up::

::Azhure watched him, a slight feelign of anger at what he said, pushing it away she made her mind rest on the logical side. But her anger gave in, an uncontrollable source of repressed anger at her reaction to what poeple here expected. Everyone expected bloody everythgin form her, to cange instantly and not be herself, to be a 'perfect' jedi. She wasnt perfect, she didnt even really know who she was. All her life she had been 'the assasin', and conformed to it because if you didnt you got beaten up by your master, or killed if need be.
All at once her frustrations and anger at what was going on in her mind, outside, in the people around her exploded and he became the object of her frustration::

Let go of the I dont need you? All I have to believe in anymore is 'Me' becuas eI admit, I'm too wary of people right now. Forgive me for fearing somethign I dont know anything of. Yes, I do have fears, just like everyone else here.

I let go of the people I grew up in, I let go of all I believed as an assasin, that life is important,

I face faced the people I have killed in my nightmares and still do, perhaps I always will.

I let go of my brother, and only just found him, but for four years it was hell. I let go of my past. I have let go of a lot of things in four years, I believe I have come pretty far.

I am letting friends know me, as far as I can take it so far, I have only learnt to use emotions to any extent in the past four years and I am still learning. Drop the no emotion crap? That is who I was, and in some ways still am.
A child is taught on such beliefs and sometimes things stay with you forever, I use emotions, but only to certain people and at the right time.
I am a warrior, a jedi and I am learning, learning to use this 'emotion', learning to open up, learning to trust. Learning to know WHO I am, not WHAT someone, or some group, wants me to be.

Can someone give me a goddamn chance and time to learn and grow in my own goddamn time! is that too much to ask?

::Azhure got up to leave, emotion raced over her, anger which had not been felt for a very long time, something alien crossed her face. real raw emotion, uncontrolled for once, anger at how everyone wanted her to be perfect, to change at a slight of the switch. Not used to emotion, her emotion ran unchecked when let out and she stared at Dios for the moment, collecting herself before turning to leave.
She had just made a fool fo herself, used anger when a jedi shouldnt. Broken the code of staying peaceful.
No one wanted to know how life sucked before she came here, you didnt go feeling sorry for herself and she couldnt stand pity. Life was life, and you got what you took, and did the best you could. She didnt look at Dios for a long time, until she gathered her things and breathed deeply::

That was not very jedi-like of me. I will not apologise for what I said, but I will say that I do apologise for directing that at you

:;With that she started walkign away from the table::

:: Dios looked surprised for a moment and then quickly got up and moved in front of her. He placed one hand on the side of her face and slightly smiled, more in understanding at what she had said than to anything else::
Azhure... emotion... a chance, was that not what I just asked for? You spent most of your life in a programmable enviroment, training day in and day out for your master, I did too, just without the technology. Vampire hunting involved having to kill poor looking but deadly vampire children and peasants also. I then spent 117 years of anger, hatred, and revenge chasing after someone who had killed my family and master. Tell me how hard it was to become what I am now, thank Tomak, the force, and many other people who let me become what I am now. But yet you were almost unwilling to give me a chance to be a jedi? Don't apologize for what you said, you opened up to me.
:: Dios removed his hand from her face and sat back down, pouring another drink::
I might seem okay, but you know as well as i do, there's still a struggle, as you have. I'm sorry...
:: He put his head on the table and looked back up at her waiting to see if she would leave or not::

::Azhure looked at Dios carefully::

Im not going to lie, I have a great talent in silent killing, in studying people, in studying how to approach things. I am very calculated and very capable, and that makes me very dangerous. If I have a cold darkness in me due to my training then I advise you to kill me on the spot. That would be better for anyone.

:;There was fear in her eyes, hidden raw fear that dissapeared the moment it came and she turned away. Azhure laughed softly, almost with a warm feeling about it::

Good day Jedi, the only thing I want from everyone is to believe I can be a jedi, because some day I may need that belief.

:: Dios looked up from where he was::
You're never going to lie are you, Azhure? Well, I do believe it and I also believe you're a real person...

::Azhure looked at him and smiled softly::

A real person does not allow themselves to be brainwashed and taught to kill, taught not to cry. I may be real, but sometimes it is hard to believe. and sometimes I do lie when necessary.

::The last comment was an attempt at a small joke that came out wrong. Joking seemed strange to come form her lips and it came out weak. Her normal expression took over and she studied him::

How do you deal with your demons? How do you look at them and not feel like your worthless because you cannot erase what you have done. Weak, vunerable. Thats one secret I'd like to know

Real people don't allow a lot of things that happen to them. You can't control everything, who wants to other than the sith? Demons? I was one. I'd rather not think about those times, so I have a good time to take my mind off em. Sure, they make me feel bad and everything but I spend time with people and share what's going on so that I don't carry the burden by myself.
:: Dios looked at her to see if she was catching any of this, maybe she'd get a hold of something to hold onto.::

::dont carry the burdan alone? That was somethign she found hard to rely on. She had always carried her burdans alone, why would it be any different letting people in and making it more complicated than it already was, disorderly. But another part of her mind reminded her of what it was to feel trust, something quite new. What became complicated started to wieuight on others minds and made more than one person happy. usually people were the ebst way to make you forget. But forgetting didnt mean it went away, it meant you were avoiding it. Deal with it. How? She looked at Dios carefully, sat down, but did not show any of the process of thinking or feeling in her mind. Not that she was purposely doing that, it was habit not to show expression. She nodded softly::

If one would let the other in, the law of action and consequence comes forth, how does it effect the other?.

::Though she said this, there was less conviction in her tone, as if questioning herself,
did she really want to bear this alone? No.
Did she feel she had to to keep it simpler? Yes.
A whole lot of logic and yes and no's.
Would she allow somebody into the problem? Perhaps.
Always logic, always mind over matter, always summing up people.
Such as Tomak, she trusted him. Xazor as well. Dios, well today he had been an enemy and now he was.... He was a jedi.
Dios was something not encountered before. He tries to kill them, then joins the jedi. he proves to be something very differently than imagined. He was very direct with his words, pushing her to the limit, a thing not really been done too many times before. Yes, he was hard to put a name to.::

You are a surprising one.
I realize my earlier observations does not fit what I had thought of you. Perhaps not bearing it alone is easier, but I would not know the first thing about it, much less try to find words to explain it.

:;This talk had made her uncomfortable enough for now, and she felt like redirecting it's currect::

I feel that this conversation has been bent on concentrating on the one person.
You brought me here to have me forgive you, I have done so. I see now you are genuine in wanting to be a jedi and you have much hatred you held gone. The jedi I have made my family, and I guess that would now include you, so welcome to the jedi.

::She stood to leave, she would speak to him again perhaps::

:: Dios smiled and saw her go, he'd be around shortly, after another drink perhaps, she walked too fast for him anyways. He felt sorta warm inside, family. Dios picked up his glass, drank it down, then left.::