Unraveling

Edited foreword: This thread is mainly drabbles about scenes and ideas I have and had about Ben; about where he's been and where he's going. They're not in chronological order.

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If there was one thing Ben Merasska hadn’t quite understood about prison, it was how boring it could get. Hours upon hours spent simply staring at a wall, until hallucinated colors swirled across the surface like the haunting colors of a hyperspace jump

Also relevant to your interests and general well-being is the fact that equivalent retribution is in your very near future

and his mind wandered, which was (at least now) something he desperately tried to avoid.

It was lonely. The silence was so unbearably intense (not loud, never loud, not that old cliché) that he’d remember how Alderaan sounded in those long hours in hyperspace

So, how come you’re running hot? Did you kill someone or something?

and Albatross, and sometimes he could swear he heard Lyanie humming a tune from far away like he could sometimes hear on the Knightfall.

Exercise quickly dominated his time, though even then those damn traitorous thoughts would pop into his head and he’d remember oh stars he’d remember and it would hurt so much someone say something

Stop. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.

At times he’d wished he was in the regular prison (regular prison? Kriff that sounded stupid he must have spent too much time in this solitary cell) so that at least he wouldn’t have to live with just himself. And no one visited. Even his food was delivered via tube, not even a droid to speak to and it was stifling unbearable I’m sorry I’m sorry it shouldn’t have been me to live so many people dead dead dead dead

He started crying uncontrollably three weeks into his sentence, and tears kept falling until he’d lost track of time. Time. He smiled, running a hand over his beard, scratching an itch and then running a hand through his hair, unkempt and greasy and Palara wouldn’t likely have anything to do with him like this.

Esther.

He was honestly surprised with himself when he realized he hadn’t thought of her for some time, considering. But now, now he remembered something that didn’t hurt, and he focused, remembering her short hair, the way she’d smiled that first time he’d made her laugh, and how much she looked like no no no don’t go there

Suddenly, even though he knew he was still unraveling like a cheaply made jacket, he didn’t feel so bad about this place, and the silence. It was like dying, but then, he’d already died before, hadn’t he? The Galaxy had simply forgot to finish the job, until now.

She knew something was wrong when she saw tear tracks on Palara’s face. Palara never cried. The woman was an amazing actress. Esther wanted to be like her.

“Esther,” the twi’lek said in her exotic accent, breathing the ‘h’ after enunciating the ‘t’, instead of melding them together like everyone else. Fresh tears started to drip down her exotic cheekbones. Esther felt tears begin to sting her own eyes, she wondered why; she wasn’t particularly empathetic. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” she replied, wiping her eyes. Palara’s lekku drooped.

“Ben,” she started, and Esther bit her lip, but now that the knowledge was finally there in the front of her brain, she could recognize the hurting in her chest and her eyes dammed the tears, just like when Grandfather Den had died.

Esther shook her head to stop Palara from speaking those final words. Palara looked grateful.

She walked away, knowing that Palara would no longer be visiting every now and again like she had been. The stars blanketed the sky, and it struck her that she now understood; among all those stars, she was alone.

Transmission TOP SECRET encryption Aurek 00-43 Cresh decryption successful password accepted message follows

Madam Secretary
In accordance with your directive to keep you informed as to the ‘prisoner’ and his well being, I regret to inform you that the prison database has him listed as deceased one hundred and thirty days from the time key on this message. Cause and date and time are included in the attached files. It was difficult getting this. Destroy this message and the files after reading.

The blaster was still smoking when he and Palara stalked back aboard Alderaan. He couldn't remember when he last felt murderous. Wyl was saying something, but at catching sight of the Captain's expression, he was understandably quiet and kept out of the way.

Esther.

His niece. His niece. Damn it Den, how hard was it to send word that he and Esther had lived? How hard was it? Not that damn hard at all.

He hadn't recognized her from the holostills. Or even her voice from the holorecordings. He'd only seen her once when she was a tiny little thing, barely the size of his forearm. He'd needed to hear her name, from Salivan. Salivan. That old bantha shit professor who'd worked with Den.

"Ben! You're alive! Well of course you are. Heard about what you and Den have done. Good show. Though how is little Esther doing? I imagine being his granddaughter, raised by him for years as she was, she was quite hurt. But he died for a good cause I suppose. That should be some small comfort..."

And what the hell was she doing? Running around with bounty hunters? Stars. He dropped his blaster on his bunk before he started shooting holes in Alderaan.

"Ben. We need to go."

He glanced up, still feeling his hate and frustration and anger pulling his mouth into a thin downward arcing line, blurring Palara and Wyl until he could barely see them.

"Right," he said, finally, his voice warbling. Hearing his own voice made him quiet, surprised at the amount of anger still oozing out of him. "Let's go. I've got someone to catch up with."

"La la la," she was singing. Humming, actually. But humming was basically just a different kind of singing, wasn't it? "La, la la la."

Ben idly debated joining in with Lyanie, but after a second, he only continued on his way up into the cockpit. Cap'n Henning was sitting in the communications suite, staring at the screens which denoted frequency and emission strength.

"Ben," the Cap'n greeted, leaning back in his seat.

"Hey Cap'n," Ben returned, stopping for a moment. "Something interesting going on in the wild world of subspace?"

The Cap'n smiled his Captain-y smile, the one that made Ben wonder if he was trying to learn how to smile again, and shook his head.

"Not much, it seems. But hyperspace tends to do that."

Ben grinned and shrugged in embarrassment. He'd forgotten that they were in transit. With a weak laugh and mumbled nonsense, the Knightfall pilot made his way into the cockpit and pulled out the paneling that covered the ship's main computer. The colors and light of hyperspace cast an eerie sort of ambiance in the small space of pressure that was the part of the ship Ben was kneeling in. With a quick glance at the mess of wires and circuits he was working in, he pulled out a little soldering tool and a couple spare circuit nodes, and dove into the computer's innards. When he pulled himself out a few seconds later, he saw that the Cap'n had seated himself in the co-pilot's seat, and was looking out into hyperspace.

Ben replaced the paneling and pushed the spare electronic parts back into their little nook, and plopped himself into the pilot's seat. He leaned back and watched as they flew through reality far faster than light. The faux silence (there was still the background noise of the engine, the soft blinking of lights and short beeps from the consoles, which kept it from being truly silent) stretched over him like a warm blanket. It was comfortable, a bed he could sleep in.

"Ahem," a voice broke the silence, and both he and the Cap'n jumped and looked back, to see a grinning Lyanie standing there with her hands in her pockets. "Sorry to break up this oh so important conversation, but it's about chow time. My turn to cook, so we're having some of that soup that we picked up on Eriadu."

"Need help?" the Cap'n asked, and Ben grinned in anticipation of a meal that wasn't ration bars and nutrient water. The Cap'n stood and exited the cockpit, talking with Lyanie about how it was Ben's turn to do dishes after. Ben glanced down at the nav-display and tweaked it a bit, noting that the lane had shifted slightly due to a pulsar's emissions slowly tapering off. Ben leaned back and sighed in contentment, the comfortable silence once more settling down. The noises of Lyanie and Cap'n setting up the meal didn't break the soft blanket of tranquility rather than wrinkled it.

Ben didn't mind.

"Set the instruments for a slow interrogation. We have plenty of time."

Ben couldn't get the searing light out of his eyes. It was painful, even when his eyes were closed. Then instead of darkness there was a dark red tinge over the blackness of the inside of his eyelids, like a curtain of blood. He didn't appreciate the imagery he was conjuring up.

Ned was sitting in her cell, he was sure. He hoped. As much as he wished their places were switched — she was stronger, he wasn't brave or could keep his cool in these sorts of situations, she could, it wasn't cold or cruel to wish she was being tortured instead — he also felt a small bit of relief in the hope that at least she wasn't being tortured too. It was a small station.

He could feel a pair of speakers being pushed into his ears, prompting a thrill of terror. Small applicators were being placed on his body, wires leading from them to a machine off to the side.

"Where were you heading?" the Imperial asked, and Ben kept himself from looking at the man. The machine lit up and small charges from the applicators caused his muscles to spasm painfully, his back arching off the table and his whimpers of pain drowned out by that very pain itself. "Who were you smuggling for?"

The speakers began blaring three tones into his ears. He couldn't tell how long the sound battered at his brain, but when the stimuli finally stopped, he was still spasming, and he was happy that he couldn't hear himself telling them everything. Cirr, Lyanie, the Rebellion, the Wheel, all of it came tumbling out of his mouth. The pain came again.

They used everything, like they were children who were playing with toys they hadn't been able to touch for months. Branding, drugs, agony inducers, even an IT-O droid with all of its impersonal terror.

Ben just wanted it to stop. So he screamed out how to find the Wheel, where they were last he'd heard, the name of the Alliance officer who'd given him the goods on his ship.

He'd worry about the guilt after the pain ended.

And then the lights went out.

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"Ben! Where were you?"

He glanced up, making sure his clothes hid the signs. The weakness of his limbs, and the way his eyes couldn't focus on her probably alerted Ned to the truth anyway.

"Put me in a different cell from yours," he replied. "Isolation's the first thing they go for, it looks like."

She opened her mouth, her eyes, dark and brown and strong and perceptive...

"We gotta get out of here," he said, cutting her off. "This place doesn't seem like it's going to last much longer."

The Imperial station shuddered around them and Ben shoved the memory of Rafine laying on the floor (smiling, but there was nothing in her eyes at all) away. Instead he focused on Ned, and how she was stepping toward him. He shook his head. Screams were echoing through the station as soldiers desperately tried to get in touch with anyone.

"This is TK-673, we're on deck four. Hostile creatures are seemingly immune to blaster fire. We'll try to hold them off, but we need reinforcements."

The Stormtrooper turned towards them, and then back around, instead going back to where four other troopers were flanking a door. Ben saw the door burst open and all of a sudden he was back on that ship and Ssi Ruuk were tearing through the troopers. He screamed, but Ned, glorious cool Ned, smacked the door control and it closed on them.

They got to the Albatross just in time to see it taking off and leaving them behind.

Ben screamed again.

"Here."

Esther looked up, and then quickly looked away. Ben didn't say anything. He just pushed the little wide-screened tablet over to her. The galley was quiet. She took the tablet and powered it on, her eyes widening as a two dimensional picture of Grandfather Denton was displayed. He looked young. He had dark hair and eyes. He wasn't wearing a beard, but Esther couldn't mistake the way his eyebrows curved, how his eyes were always that dark, making him look incredibly serious, even in his rare playful moods. He was wearing a jersey of some sort, and was standing in a field. She looked up. Ben was tracing a pattern into the tabletop.

"Uncle Den used to be an athlete."

"What did he play?" she asked, realizing that perhaps she hadn't known as much about her grandfather as she had thought. Ben shrugged, sitting down next to her.

"Something like smashball, only without a lot of the technology. High class sport."

She moved on to the next picture, and there were two people holding a baby. She glanced up at Ben, who looked at her with a tremulous smile.

"My cousin Ren. His wife Aredde. And their daughter, Esther," he said. Esther's eyes widened, and she looked at her parents, and was that her? "This was taken in front of their house at the time, about a week after you were born."

She stared at the picture for a few moments longer, and then swiped the screen to get to the next picture. A reddish-blond haired man was holding a baby while sitting on a sofa. "Is that...?"

"Yeah. Same day as the last picture. I was helping them move in. Your mother was still recovering, so she went to take a nap. Your dad was taking holos of everything. He was so excited. Kept going on about making your room space-themed."

"Why?"

"Your name. It means 'Star'."

She glanced up at Ben, who wasn't even looking at the picture. He was staring down at the table, his face a mix of emotions Esther couldn't even begin to decipher. She put the tablet down and hugged him. Ben went rigid for a moment before relaxing and letting an arm drape over her.

"Hey, Uncle Ben? Would you, um, tell me more about them? My parents. Our family, I mean."

"Well, technically I'm your cousin, but Ren introduced me to you the first time as your Uncle Ben..."

The messages stared at him from the console, aurebesh letters in a green color just sitting there, frozen.

You must know that she isn't what she seems.

Target is searching for missile platforms. Motives unknown, but potential for sparking a conflict between our Empire and the Alliance is high.

"Ben?"

"I do know where they are, you know," he said. She didn't say anything. "You've been hinting at it for a while now. I'm not too quick on the uptake, yeah, but things like that aren't hard to miss."

Palara sat down in the co-pilot's chair, and looked at him intently.

"They're trying to get to me. I know it. I know it. So why does it stick like this?" Palara made to speak, but he shook his head, looking at her for the first time. "I've kept my nose out of your business. I always knew you were doing something, but it wasn't my place. I figured that whatever you were doing, I knew you well enough that... I don't know. That you wouldn't... betray is too stuck up a word. It's not like you swore an oath to me or anything."

Palara leaned back, looking like she'd been fed bad seafood and it was playing hell with her stomach.

"But now you know. I know where they are. They know I know. You know I know," he looked at her, and she was, for once, completely open. "Am I your target? Was all of it so you could start a war?"

"No," she answered. "You are not my target."

"You're Imperial."

"Yes. Zough, sometimes... I wish I was not."

"Will you turn me in to your boss?"

Palara leaned forward and placed her hands on his knees.

"No."

And in spite of the relief he felt, in spite of the fact that he believed her, he knew that she was still dangerous. To him. To Wyl. To Esther. Because in any event, he didn't know what she was after, all the way out here, so far from the Empire. Why she had joined up with him in the first place, and how much of what he felt was due to her manipulating him.

He didn't know why he would keep her on Alderaan for as long as she would stay.

Ben had the holo-receiver on. It was playing a classic, with plenty of strings and a piano beating out a tune accompanying a crooner's voice. Ben preferred crooners, and rhythmic jazz. Esther was following it to the starboard forward engine block, where she could hear them talking.

"You know 'ow to dance?" That was Palara. The sound of a ratchet echoed through the ship.

"Used to do it all the time," Ben's muffled voice indicated he was at least neck deep in an access panel. "All the classics are great for it. And while I wasn't and am not the most handsome man, a good dancer is always in demand."

Palara laughed. Esther smiled. She didn't think Ben wasn't all that bad looking. But maybe she was biased.

"Aren't you good at it? I mean you're graceful and all," he continued.

"Only a few certain kind of dances. Not ones with partners 'oo would be dancing with you," Palara said in amusement. Ben laughed.

"I bet you're a natural," he said, "Ow! Damn it! Kriffing thing."

Esther came up on them, but said nothing, watching as Ben pulled himself out of an access shaking his hand. He was dirty, covered in grease and there were a few burn marks on his shirt.

"Is zis a comment on my species being naturally graceful," Palara asked in a deceptively light tone. Ben only grinned and nodded while sucking on the tip of his finger. She laughed then. "Show me zen. I don't know 'ow to dance to zis sort of music."

"It's easy," he said, standing up completely and wiping his hands on his shirt. "Here. Hand on my shoulder. My hand goes here, and our feet should be like this. Now take my hand."

Esther's smile widened as she watched Ben hold Palara close, his left hand on the small of her back, and his right holding her left.

"Now start moving to the beat of the music. Sway," he said, and Palara moved like she was dancing all her life. They swayed, shifting their weight from one foot to the other. "See? Like you've been born for this. Not a lot of room for turns in here though. Oh! Esther!"

Ben disengaged from Palara and backed away, a bit flushed. Palara seemed only amused.

"Oh, don't stop for me," Esther said, needling Ben with a smile. "I'll just leave you two your privacy."

Ben leaned back, looking embarrassed.

"I'm glad," Palara said. "'E was doing a very good job. Sweeping me off my feet, you might say."

"Ha ha ha," Ben answered. "Wait. I was? Esther, gimme a few minutes."

Esther didn't, but Ben stepped back up to a widely grinning Palara and they started dancing again. The song changed, and Ben deftly led Palara over to Esther where he taught her a jig sort of dance, and Palara joined in. It reminded Esther of another laughing man and woman showing her how to dance under a bright sky.

She felt like she was home again.

Homestead, Somov Rit

"This ship is a piece of shit."

Ben winced, but had to admit that she was right. It wasn't just dated, it was old, older than the huge barn it was sitting in and that was saying something as the duracrete and wooden structure was well over two hundred years old, and more than anything else, it looked a bit silly. But he had to defend it.

"Tell me where you're going to find a ship we can get for free."

That shut her up. He felt guilty for not actually defending it. Instead of saying anything else, he gestured to her and stomped up the ramp. Inside, her eyes widened.

"Okay. How does it look worse on the inside? That shouldn't be possible."

"She hasn't been flown in a while."

Her eyes narrowed. "He."

"I'm captain. This is my ship. Unless you kill me for it, which I really hope you won't do." He was somewhat gratified to see her look more than a bit put off by the suggestion. "So we're following my naming conventions, alright? Sorta like your family did."

"Clan. And there's a reason for that," she said, glaring at him. He nodded, not looking at her.

"Exactly. And that's why."

They tromped through the ship, finding that though it definitely didn't look new, it had definitely seen its fair share of work done to it. He especially like the repair bay, and the cubby holes of tools designated 'Good', 'Bad', and 'Shit'. She liked that the weapons systems weren't completely outdated. The cargo bays were large, and if he knew anything about this ship, it had plenty of great hiding places. The more he walked in it, the more natural it felt to be there. It was like his jacket. Lots of work done to it, but it had a lot of history.

They sat down in the dusty cockpit, and tried not breathe too deeply. She sneezed delicately, which embarrassed her, and tickled him to no end. Taataani Onashi, sneezing like a well bred city girl.

They couldn't see out of the viewports, but that wasn't too bad of a problem to fix.

"What's his — her — name?" she asked. "Captain Ben Hadrana?"

He grinned. He liked the sound of that.

"Alderaan."

He staggered from the chamber the moment he found his feet, though disoriented from the snowy haze that had enveloped his mind. It was like that concussion he'd experienced back when he first met Mama Taa. He could hear the patter of boots in the corridors, and hid himself behind a corner.

The booted people didn't pass him. They stopped, and some voices filtered through his foggy mind.

"Is this the door?"

"Yes."

"When can I blow something up? Sure, I've killed quite a few of these lizard things, but..."

"Onashi, shut up."

The booted feet entered the chamber, and it took Ben a moment to realize where they had gone.

"Hey, hey wait," he called, weakly, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. Why did every part of him ache? "Don't go in there. They'll... they'll rip you out."

The sound of boots on the floor filled his ears again. He looked up. A man stared down at him with a neutral expression on his face, and his hair, tied back loosely, fell down off his shoulder. Ben couldn't help but laugh.

"They'll rip you out," he laughed. "Lay you down and rip you out of yourself."

The man stood and raised a hand to his ear, but his action was halted by a voice coming from down the hall.

"Onashi! Come on! We're getting out of here!"

The man's hand dropped slightly, but rose again. Ben tried to mimic the motion, but found his body was almost completely unresponsive.

"Onashi!"

"I can't move," Ben giggled. The man's hand dropped and he stepped away towards the other voices, which faded away after a moment. A moment later, Ben tried moving again, and despite the sluggishness and otherness of his limbs, he found his feet and staggered off in a random direction. Even though the ship was huge, and before there'd been an uncountable number of the monsters, now there was nothing. He could hear voices in the distance, but no one, not even a droid, crossed his path.

The heat began to die down, and Ben found his head clearing as the temperature dropped. The concussion didn't fade completely, and the headache that replaced it was horrible, but Ben found himself able to piece together what had happened, and swore. He pushed himself to go on, and finally found a lift, of a sort; the platform was much larger than anything he recognized as an interior lift. He pressed a button and panted, feeling the slight jolts as the lift passed the moorings on each floor. When the lift door opened, he staggered out onto what seemed like a bridge of some kind, though it was just as deserted as the rest of the ship he'd seen so far. He staggered over to a viewport and gasped.

An Imperial cruiser and an Alliance frigate were caught in the midst of a raging battle, though Ben couldn't tell if they were fighting each other or the monsters on the ship. That question was answered a moment later as the cruiser's turbolasers unleashed hell on him, causing the entire ship to shudder. Another, larger explosion ripped through the interior, and Ben was thrown forward onto a panel. He pressed some buttons, only to see unreadable displays and hear nightmarish growls and calls. He continued to press buttons, his fingers shaking, as the cruiser fired again. This salvo hit much closer, and the viewport cracked ominously. Finally something intelligible echoed through the speakers.

"Novgorod prepared to fire missiles."

"Very good Novgorod. Fire missiles on mark three."

"Mark three, understood."

"One..."

Ben's eyes widened.

"Wait!" he screamed, staring up at the two distant starships. "Wait! Don't shoot! I'm still here!"

"Two. Arm missiles. Lock in targets."

"Missiles armed, targets locked in."

He glanced down and pressed what he hoped was the outbound comm switch.

"Three. Fire."

"Novgorod firing."

"WAIT! I don't wanna die!" he shouted, watching as a volley of missiles wound their way from the frigate. "No!"

"...Ben?!"

It sounded like Cirr. Ben was entranced though, staring at the missiles as they flew straight through the intervening space and toward him.

"I don't wanna die," he panted. His body shook, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the glare of the missiles' exhausts. Those spots of light were getting larger.

"...Ben! Ben, are you on the Ssi Ruuk ship? Ben? Ben!"

"I don't wanna die," he shouted. "Help me —"

There was a brief moment of searing heat and intense pain, and then nothing.

Ren Hadrana opened the door, inordinately pleased at the whirring sound it made.

"Where's Ben?" Aredde asked, shifting Esther gently in her arms. The little girl had just calmed down. "He hasn't left, has he?"

Ren shrugged, stepping into the living room, and grinned.

"Found him."

Ben was sleeping on the sofa, one foot propped up on the armrest, the other planted on the floor, mirrored by his arms.

Aredde huffed out a soft laugh, looking around at the room and the empty moving boxes tossed in a corner.

"He must have worked hard to get all this in here before we got here," she noted. Ren nodded, and poked his cousin's shoulder. Ben spasmed and sat up quickly, his eyes bleary.

"Hey there sleepy," Ren greeted. Ben nodded, rubbing his eyes.

"Oh, uh, hi," he said, wakefulness finally catching up with him. His eyes drifted to Aredde, and then to the bundle in her arms, where they stopped and widened.

"What's her name?" he breathed. Aredde smiled, and offered the newborn to him. He gently took her.

"Esther," Aredde answered, while Ren grabbed the holocamera and snapped a quick shot. Ben looked down at the little newborn girl and smiled.

"Hey there, Esther," he said. "I'm your Uncle Ben. I'm looking forward to seeing you grow up and spoiling you rotten every step of the way."

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"You like it?" Shuvin asked, grinning at how Esther's eyes seemed transfixed on the slim dress. Esther nodded.

"Yeah," she said. "But it wouldn't work on me."

"I don't think so," Shuvin answered. "I think you'd look right fancy in it."

Ben waited until they walked farther on, before looking at the price of the dress. He glanced down at the credit chits in his hand, and frowned.

"Next time," he promised under his breath. "I'll have enough."

"I dunno," he said. Esther glared. "Fine. Fine."

Esther knew her husband disliked coming here. She could even understand it. But she owed Ben too much to not come.

They made their way up the long path to the house. The door opened as they approached, showing a young male Cizerack servant.

"Welcome," he said. "The mjistrress jis awajitjing you with the master in the garden."

Esther nodded, and the group followed the servant through the house, which was actually smaller than the Alderaani woman would have expected from Ben's benefactor.

"jI asked hjim," Taataani had said simply when Esther asked why she'd not made a mansion during a previous visit. "And he said he just wanted a small house. He was verjy clear that he djidn't want a mansjion."

She pouted at that last bit, making Esther laugh.

"When did you ask him?" Esther asked. Taataani smiled.

"Before he met jyou, darljing," she said, laying a hand on her arm. "jI had to add the garden. Thjis place needed some taste."

This time, the aging Meorrrei Matriarch was sitting next to Ben on a bench in the small garden she'd added onto the property without Ben's permission. Both looked old, which struck Esther as being wrong somehow. It had taken Taataani a while before she'd begun showing it enough to make cosmetics and surgeries a waste of time. Ben had begun stooping and going grey much sooner than her. Or maybe she'd just allowed him to see her grey as he'd begun to show. Esther wasn't quite sure.

Taa smiled and nodded at her as they drew up on the old Alderaani pilot and Cizerack senator.

"Hey Ben," Esther said, kneeling in front of him. He smiled a bit, and his eyes travelled over her face. "I've brought someone for you to meet."

Ben's eyes drifted down to the bundle in her arms. His mouth opened, and he breathed a few words.

"Hmm?"

"What's her name?" he asked again. Esther smiled.

"Denton. It's a boy," she explained. Ben looked down at the little baby in one arm, though the weight was mostly in his lap. Esther's hands kept her child steady in his place. His free hand gently traced the contours of little Denton's face before gently resting on his chest.

"Hey there, Esther," he murmured.

"Yes?" she asked.

"I'm your uncle Ben. I look forward to seeing you grow up..."

"Ben?" Esther asked after a moment. She'd waited for him to continue, and used the time wipe her moist eyes. "Ben?"

She bent further to look at his downturned face, and saw his closed eyes and mouth. It could have been her imagination, but she thought there was a smile on his face too.

"Ben?" she asked once more, her voice warbling a bit. She placed a hand on his chest, and after a few moments, pulled away. She picked up little Den, and pressed a small kiss to Ben's temple. "Bye, Ben."

"Hey there!" he said. "Sorry, but I had to run. Leave a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Bye now!"

No matter how many times she watched it, she couldn't believe what it meant.

"Hey there! Sorry, but I had to run. Leave a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Bye now!"

The other woman had already gone off to find him, leaving Iscandar to watch a face she'd thought long gone, inscribing all the details she could glean from the horrible hologram that was stuck on repeat in this dank and filthy prison cell. He looked gaunt, and his expression was too malleable, as if it were a putty mask in the process of constantly changing. His hair was longer, and he was unshaven and unkempt. But there was no doubt.

"Hey there!" he said. "Sorry, but I had to run. Leave a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Bye now!"

It was Ben Merasska.

Her introspection was cut short by a coughing fit coming from right next to her. Completely taken by surprise, she jumped back and tripped into a wall, sliding down into a sitting position as the coughing fit continued. There, underneath the extended cell bunk...

Palara couldn't help but laugh.

"Ben," she whispered, crawling over to where he was curled up beneath the bunk. "Ben. Let's go, yes?"

His eyes opened.

"It worked?" he asked, his eyes not quite focused on her. "Ha! Hiding under your bed does save you from monsters."

"I'm sure zat you are ze only one who could 'ave ever pulled off such an escape, Ben," Iscandar replied. Ben grinned tremulously. "I am surprised at 'ow lucid you are zough."

"Hey there! Sorry, but I had to run. Leave a message, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Bye now!"

"Who said I was lucid?" he shot back, one arm wrapping around her shoulder. Palara laughed, and stood, hefting the incredibly light man up to his feet. Ben only turned to look at her straight on, squinting.

"Seriously. Are you real?"

Soundtrack

Esther didn’t know how long she’d been standing by the river, just staring at the water as it flowed sluggishly past. It could have been hours, but time was strange here. It seemed to eddy and slow down, and thicken such that she could almost feel it entering her lungs like a thick humidity.

She turned, and Ben was there, hands jammed into his pockets, staring at her like one of those eerie bas-reliefs that covered the halls of the Asteroid. Her breath caught in her throat.

“Ben?” she whispered.

“Esther,” he said, his voice strangely calm, like a placid lake under the stars. It wasn’t what she was used to at all; his voice should warble, thrum with an anxious energy that was all his own.

“I miss you so much,” she whispered, taking a few steps toward him. “I’m so... I’m so sorry. It should have been...”

“Esther,” Ben said again in that odd voice, calm and relaxed and so serene it made her hurt with relief. “I’d have died a thousand million times over for you. We all would have.”

“We?” she asked tremulously, taking another slow step to him. Ben smiled, and all at once around her people faded into view, like holograms, but opaque and in highly saturated color. Her breath caught in her throat as a familiar form appeared next to Ben.

“Grandfather?” she asked, and Denton’s smile had her wiping her eyes as she looked around. There were so many people. A young girl on her father’s side smiled brightly and waved from where she stood next to a young man. It was everything she’d ever dreamed. And behind those who’d appeared first she could feel somehow the presences of many other people, all full of love and a comfortable warmth.

“We’re so proud of you darling,” a woman said, a man standing next to her. Esther had only seen them in holos shown to her by Grandfather Denton and knew of them only through stories told by Ben.

“Mum? Dad?” Esther walked closer, and reach out. Her hand stopped on warm flesh and soft fabric. Her heart was beating like it would burst out of her chest. She hugged them.

“We’re so sorry baby,” her mother murmured, Esther’s hair fluttering from her breath. Her father’s hand rested on her shoulder. “We love you so much.”

She pulled back, and turned to Ben and her Grandfather, both of whom looked hale, and healthy; not at all like they had appeared when she’d last seen them. She ran to them and wrapped her arms around Ben. He returned the embrace, and she could feel her family gathering around, faintly glowing in the twilight, and a warmth spread through her, from the tips of her toes up and even through her hair.

“We all love you so very much, Esther,” Ben said, and Esther hugged him even more tightly, wishing that she’d done this more often. He had seemed to need a hug so badly then...

All their voices murmuring their love for her hummed through her; she felt full, as if she could burst. She could tell that she was crying. She opened her eyes and could see them all fading; she could say nothing, as all that were left were Grandfather Denton, and Ben. Soon, it was just her and Ben.

“Don’t leave,” she said tiredly. “Not yet, please. Don’t leave.”

“I’ll stay here with you like this until the morning,” Ben said. “But I’ll always be with you, Esther. Always.”

“I’m sorry Ben,” she breathed softly, as if any words more loudly spoken would disperse Ben like smoke. She could still him falling...

“Esther,” he said, and she looked into his face. “I spent my whole life running from that emptiness that came from losing Alderaan. And the only thing that filled it was you. Even if I had known I was going to die going after you, I would do it again.”

He threaded his fingers through her hair.

“Because you’re my niece. The only part of me left in the universe is in you now.”

They sat on the banks of the river, and Ben hummed a tune, one arm around her.


I run on summer grass
No cares for me today
It might be cold tomorrow
But I’ll run again someday.


“What song is that?” Esther asked; but even as she did, her eyes closed, and she fell asleep, basking in the warmth and feel and sound of Ben.


When she awoke, he was gone, and she was curled up on the riverbank alone.

A dark, yet still lit landing pad. And she walks up, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a smile. Cina, she says her name is. He's been around long enough to be cynical of almost anything. Especially women. Sexist? Maybe. But, after all he's been through, it's sadly just experience.



"Eluna," she says her name is, after they all almost die.

"Nice to meetcha Eluna. My name's Ben. Ben Merasska."



"Cap'n Ben," she says in her message. "I was thinking I could use a lift next time you're around."

She comes back. This time she has red hair. He still has questions in his mind about her, suspicious little thoughts that burrow in and bury themselves deep. She's sweet, though.


She sends messages. Small little things, really. Sometimes just a holostill of a Nubian ship she's seen, or of her standing on various planets. She started sneaking in 'wish you were here' and 'thinking about you', and he barely noticed. Once, he sent a message back. She answered, putting a small question about a freighter class into the end of it. He replied, and before he knows it, he's waiting for her messages. He doesn't understand it, maybe it's a sense of security in not having her right there, but he tells her about Alderaan (the planet). His family. His Uncle.



They kiss on Ryloth. She tears the slave collar from his neck (he's a bit out of it, but he doesn't question the fact she can tear it off with just her hands — she is a droid, if not the most human droid he's ever seen — after all), and looks at him. When his eyes clear, she's there, and she looks so relieved and happy, and presses her lips to his. To his surprise, he responds to it.



Going to the doctor for a bruised pelvis the first time they try knocking boots was funny. Even if he'd only admit it later. But at the moment, Eluna laughing at him and herself made him laugh too. Shuvin didn't let him forget it for years; asking him and Eluna whether they had worked out how to have her on top yet.



Getting married was ridiculous. He'd expected them to just have some small ceremony on some backwater planet. Somehow Taa found out, and suddenly there's dignitaries, Cirr, Lyanie, Palara — how she could move about as if she wasn't the sworn enemy of at least half of the attending guests was beyond him, though he couldn't imagine any of them, even Eluna, actually managing to kill her — that Marron kid and his wife, Ned and Shuvin both packing heat and threatening death to any and everyone that even contemplated ruining the occasion, and the official doing the ceremony thought they were playing a trick on him when he walked in to see it all. He resolved to just get through it when the Alderaani King gave him some medal. King or not, though, giving Esther those looks annoyed him. Sure, the King was her age. Still, it was the principle of the thing.



They keep flying. It's Eluna's idea to start saving up for a place on a planet. He doesn't quite feel like it. But he agrees. He captains the ship, she captains him. It works well enough. And it keeps her from getting angry at him. Stars, one tap from her and he'd be done. One thing they can't really agree on is what planet. Every once in a while she comes up with a planet, describing it to him, and he listens. He turns down New Alderaan without even thinking about it. Esther seems pretty annoyed at that. Sometimes he gets a bit down that he won't have kids with Eluna. And then Esther acts like a brat and he's so very glad he doesn't have to worry about raising a teenager more than once. Eluna reminds him of Shuvin, and he amends the previous statement to twice. They continue.



Shuvin dies. It's a quick death, a life given to save a life. Noble. Ben buries her, and keeps flying.



Esther leaves. Ben puts up a brave, happy face; he knew it was going to happen. When her shadow is gone and the ramp is back in place he sits in the galley and stares at the tabletop, feeling like he's lost his way. It annoys him, because Esther didn't give meaning to the tramp freighting life any more than it gave meaning to her. For the first time in a long time, he examines his life and wonders if he's been living it the way he should be. Did he do right by Esther? By Shuvin? Eluna sits next to him and after some time, she looks at him and says, "Let's go exploring."

They do. The Unknown Regions, Wild Space, the Trianii Colonies. He sees wonderful things. Eluna makes sure to take holographs and send them to Esther and Lyanie. It's probably the first time he's actually felt at peace since Yavin, even including marrying Eluna. They don't ask for news. Ben's left it all behind. It's not his galaxy anymore. But he notices in the messages and images they send to Shuvin and Esther. The lines in his face grow more prominent. His hair thins and fades. Eluna remains as youthful as ever, though. He can see it start to trouble her. He keeps up his exercises. He eats the food she gives him, filled with all the materials and calories he needs. It keeps him going for quite a while.



But he can't keep going forever. Each day he gets up gets more difficult on his bones, on his body. One night, he lays down next to her, smiles at her, sees her smile back, and closes his eyes. He doesn't wake up.



For a long time, Eluna doesn't either. She cremates him, shuts down, and is unresponsive.



Eluna cleans the ship. Odds and ends are everywhere. A thigh bone from one of the best fried avians Ben's ever had. A ball, given by a small boy. In this process she finds a note, and documents. Alderaan is hers. Or Esther's if she doesn't want it. If neither of them want it, they can sell it. And a picture of a house on a hillside, surrounded by fields. It's Esther's home.

I like the look of this place is written in Ben's messy scrawl in the corner. I want to end up here. Thanks for the happiest days of my life. Here's looking forward to yours.



Esther's son looks on in awe at the ship as it lands. Esther and Eluna build a large barn over it to keep it protected from the elements. And when it's finished, Esther looks on in appreciation and satisfaction, and turns to Eluna to share those feelings with her.

Eluna is gone.

Esther closes the door to the barn.

"What's up, queer?"

Ben looked up, an easy smile on his face.

"So! Haven't seen you in a while. What've you been up to?"

Solvan Merasska shrugged his bony shoulders negligently.

"Eh. Work. Though I do have some pretty wizard things going on. Here, take a look," the third Merasska sibling said. Ben stood, and followed him out into the speeder garage, which as usual was piled in a noticeably organized but still messy and haphazard manner; the structure was underneath, and the mess was visibly more recent. The middle was cleared and had a large tarp spread over duracrete slab, on which were multiple spray cans of paint and used stencils. Set in the middle of the tarp and surrounded by the paint and stencils was a large canvas spread over a wood frame. A woman was painted on it in shimmering colors contrasted against the white of the canvas and somehow, using the same colors and only using that contrast, had a flower in bloom behind her. Each blended into the other and was still clearly distinguishable.

Ben's eyes widened.

"Stars and sky, that's amazing," he said, leaning forward. "You mapped out each color and cut the stencils for it yourself?"

So shrugged, nodding.

"Got a couple others. Made this one for a friend. Getting paid for it. Others I just had the thought for."

"This is damn good," Ben observed. Normally he was more reserved in his praise for his brothers, as they all had rocky relationships with each other. So owed him a good deal of money still.

So smiled quickly, the expression sliding on and off his face like a shifting sand dune.

The alarm sounded.

"Ben! How long are we going to be... wherever we're going again?"

Ben didn't answer, his voice stuck in his throat, and the colors of hyperspace played out on his face ethereally like a tunnel of stencil painted roses.

Ben shifted in his seat, feeling the air of Dantooine ruffle his hair and run through his short beard. It felt odd, not having a beard. He'd walked up to the mirror in his cabin and picked up the razor, but he put it down without even raising it to his gaunt face. He stared down at his hands most of the time, when he caught himself staring at Palara, who let him stare with an unruffled aplomb. Shuvin had grown up so much. She wasn't a gangly sixteen year old anymore, she was a lithe woman with graceful curves. And Esther...

"Hey, Ben."

He turned, seeing Esther looking at him intently. Ben flushed a little bit under the attention. He still saw the ten year old girl from the holo, not this mature fourteen year old who didn't even need him to watch over her that much. He needed her more, he felt, and he hated feeling like he couldn't run. He'd missed so much of her life.

"Esther," he answered, his voice still raspy from disuse. She smiled, and he felt a little bit better. He could see a lot of Ren in her.

"There it is," she said, and Ben looked up. He could see what looked like a nice sized compound sitting off the main road, with plenty of swoops and speeders sitting around cheery cream and white colored domed roofed buildings. A large figure stood up as they approached and Ben's eyes widened.

Cirr was bigger than he remembered. Not just in height; he was also more heavyset and less intimidating out of his Alliance uniform. Ben shakily stepped out of the speeder and watched as the big Cizerack gave Shuvin a hug and asked her about her pistol. When his eyes met Cirr's he could see them widen slightly and travel up and down his frame. He was suddenly very aware of how skinny he'd become, almost skin and bone; his clothing hung off his body tellingly. His beard and face weren't anything to really smile about either. But Cirr smiled and then some. There were even tears in his eyes as he slowly rested his hands on Ben's shoulders and drew him in for a hug. Ben winced and started, but wrapped his arms around the bigger man too.

"jI'm sorrjy, Ben," Cirr murmured.

"It's okay, Cirr," Ben said, patting Cirr's shoulder lamely.

"No, jI knew jyou betterr than that. jI should have known."

Ben shook his head.

"And all this would have been avoided if I hadn't avoided you. I still don't like the Alliance much, but I should have been an adult and talked to you."

"And jI should have used my brrajin and asked some questjions. jYou would neverr have done those thjings. jYou would have asked jyourr questjions and rran."

They parted awkwardly, and Cirr led them back to the house.

"Lyanie!" he shouted. "Lyanie! Wje got companjy!"

"You know damn well you need to warn me before having your friends..." Lyanie trailed off as she stormed up to the front and caught sight of him. He shifted from foot to foot, and then turned to Palara.

"We shouldn't have come —"

"Don't you dare say that Ben Merasska," Lyanie hissed into his ear, her arms wrapped around him tighter than anything. "Don't you dare say that."

"Hey Lyanie," he said, lamely patting her shoulder. She squeezed him, and he hissed a bit. She backed off, and looked at Cirr tellingly, tears beading in her eyes.

"Mama, mama, look!" a small voice piped up from the house and everyone turned to see a little girl toddling up the steps from the house. Ben's eyes widened and Cirr smiled.

"Ben, meet ourr daughterr. Amarra."

The girl stared at him warily, with wide eyes, her little flimsy with a picture drawn on it forgotten. Ben stared back and backed away, stumbling over to the speeder.

Ben picked up a small, badly wrapped package and shuffled over to Lyanie and Amarra.

"I heard about you," he said, ignoring the whispered conversation. "I got you something."

The little girl stared at him for a moment and then turned, wrapping her arms around Lyanie and burying her face in her mother's neck. Lyanie took the package with a smile.

"Thanks, Ben."

"Come on jinsjide and we'll get ourrselves somethjing to drrjink," Cirr said, and gently led him into the house. Ben couldn't deny the relief he'd felt from sitting down, but he remembered he'd only been standing for a few moments. His hands shook as he took hold of the plastoid tumbler Cirr poured alcohol into and they looked at each other without saying much.

"Cirr," he rasped, coughing a bit as the whiskey burned down into his stomach. "Stop looking at me like I'll disappear. I'm not going anywhere."

"Damn rrjight," Cirr murmured, causing Ben to laugh.

"Pour me another," the pilot said. "We got some catching up to do, don't we?"

The Quez homestead was just as she remembered it, if a bit dirtier.

Cirr looked older, and his prosthetic still caused him some discomfort if the way he liked to complain about it said anything. Lyanie was still as pretty as ever, if a bit curvier due to having a couple children. Little Sanis was crawling around with a verve, trying to get into any and everything. Amarra was turning into a little beauty, if a bit of a father's girl. It was clear that Lyanie did the discipline in the household, and Cirr was as doting a father as could be asked for.

"So you're still working on that hunk of junk?" she asked teasingly when Cirr showed her the still he'd made in the large garage. Cirr smiled and ruffled her hair.

"Don't see jyou complajinjing," was his response, and the teen couldn't say anything to that. On Dantooine at least she was still too young to drink legally. "jI'm gojing to starrt brrewjing some ales and beerrs. Maybe even sell them. Then Lyanie wouldn't have mjy leg to stand on when she complajins about how much tjime jI spend out herre."

She smiled as Cirr visibly enjoyed his joke. Planetary life was suiting him well.

"How about jyou? No plans to settle down jyet?" he asked as he closed the garage doors. Esther grimaced.

"Not yet. Still got a bit of wanderlust I suppose."

"Therre's tjime jyet," he said with a smile. "But don't trry to ljive Ben's ljife forr him. He had a good rrun out therre. Betterr than most."

"Estherr! Estherr!" Amarra called, running up with her hair flying about messily.

"Amarra!" she said, picking the girl up and swinging her about. She was the only one who called Amarra by her full given name. "Well look at you! You'll be taller'n me in a year, and that's the truth!"

Amarra rolled her eyes. "No jI won't! jI'm only..."

She started counting on her fingers.

"Fine, I'll give it a good three years and you'll be as tall as me. You're not giving Sanis a hard time, are you?"

Amarra pouted. "He's stupjid."

"Now now," Cirr said, keeping his smile off his face somehow.

"He's just growing up, Amarra. How's he supposed to know what to do without a smart big sister like you to show him the way?"

Amarra nodded and grinned.

"jI'll make surre he's not so dumb!" she said with childish determination.

"That's the spirit!" Esther laughed. "I guess since you've been good I'll have to give you the extra nice present I brought from Dac!"

"Oooh! What is it?" she asked, clapping her hands, her tail swishing about.

"It's a secret," Esther said, dropping her voice to a whisper. Cirr could still hear every word though. "It's super mega amazing awesome though. I had to hide it so those greedy Customs officers didn't try to take it for their little girls."

Amarra's eyes glittered.

"Your mum has it," Esther said, and laughed again as the little girl shimmied out of the teen's arms and blasted into the house shouting for her mother.

"What jis jit?" Cirr asked curiously. Esther grinned.

"Toy lightsaber. little transparent tube with glowing lights inside it. Sound effects and everything."

Cirr's eyebrows rose in interest.

"It's your daughter's!" Esther scolded.

"Have to make surre jit's safe jyou know," Cirr said, letting Esther down into the house first. "Wouldn't be a good dad jif jI djidn't."

"Knight Iscandar. We have begun the jump to Jakku."

"Very well."

The door slid closed, and Palara sighed, looking down at the mix of crystal and machinery; her first holocron. Or at least it was a close approximation of one. All the information and records of the Knights had gone into it, as well as the records of her time as an Inquisitor, her training, and her missions as a Knight, and the records of the missions of hundreds' of others, also. Encoded in light, and encrypted, and guarded by an impression of herself. She stared at the small crystal held in her hands, before quickly placing it inside the apparatus. She closed her eyes and meditated, concentrating on leading the essence within the crystal into the holocron, ensconcing it within a cocoon of warmth and safety and welcome.

She opened her eyes to see a small holographic figure atop the device.

"Ben," she said. Ben's echo smiled back at her.

"Palara," it said.

"I will speak with you for a while, if you wouldn't mind," she asked. Ben's smile widened.

"Any time."

***

"Palara. What brings you around here?"

Ben was wearing a thin dark jacket over a white tunic and dark trousers and boots; all of them looked about as worn as he did, but also maintained a façade of presentation. They were far nicer than anything she'd seen him wear before, which suggested that Lyanie and Cirr were in charge of his wardrobe now. He smiled, but his face was still gaunt and his eyes still somewhat ringed with sleeplessness, and he was less sure on his feet than he had been before. He was standing on the back porch of his little addition to the Quez family compound; a small two bedroom affair that at least had a view of the open plains of Dantooine; Cirr had told her he spent most of his time not putting together models of Nubian spacecraft together just sitting on the back porch and watching the wind in the stalks of grained grass.

"You, Ben," she answered with a smile.

"I hope Cirr and Lyanie were nice to you," he asked, though it was framed more as a statement.

"Zey always are, Ben. I assume you 'ad somezing to do with zat, yes?"

Ben smiled wanly.

"Maybe a little."

"'Ow are you? You 'ave been eating well?" Palara stood next to him and felt his arms. Ben, for his part, didn't shrug her off, though she did notice the quick shuttering sense of panic that flashed through him.

"Yes, yes," he said, returning her embrace. He held her at arms' length, looked at her a moment, and gestured to a seat. "Lyanie doesn't seem to understand what 'no thank you, I'm full,' means. Sit, sit."

She sat, and adjusted the seat so it was closer to him. They sat there with moments of silence and speech as the afternoon wore into evening.

"Ben, would you mind if I asked a favour of you?"

"Of course. If I can do something for you, I will." Ben turned to her, a curious look on his face.

"I would like for you to wear zis," she said, holding out a crystal affixed to a leather strap. He took it, and looked at it for a moment. "It is a special crystal. It can, under ze right circumstances, take an impression of you in ze Force."

Ben's eyebrow rose slightly, his innate wariness of the Force rising with it. She laid a hand on his arm.

"Do you trust me?" she asked. He nodded in bemusement.

"Of course. With my life." He looked at the crystal again. "Okay. How do I... do whatever it is you said?"

She smiled, warmed by the readiness of his sentiment, and leaned towards him.

She didn’t know what she wanted, but she knew it wasn’t this.

She was fifteen, going on sixteen in two weeks, and she was a slave. She had been a slave, and it was beginning to dawn on her that she might always be a slave, to horrible thoughtless people. She could feel the horror slipping down her spine and into her gut.

And then, one day, everything changed.

The door opened, and a human man walked in, with red-blond hair, light eyes and a face that made her want to laugh. He looked at her like he wasn’t really seeing her, like he was still looking at something he’d left behind, and asked her:

“I’m looking for a ship.”

She took him out back and to the lot, and ignored the Corellian ships. He, interestingly, ignored them too.

“Ah, I was told to get anything but Corellian. I’d rather not push the issue, y’know?”

She giggled.

The Ghtroc-720 sat there near the back, solid and her baby; she’d built her up ever since she’d shown up. Looking at the man, she knew he’d love her.

“What’s her name?” he asked, his hands in his pockets.

“I never named her,” she answered, crossing her arms. “She’s not mine.”

The man smiled.

“She’s as much yours as anyone’s given the amount of love you’ve put into her.”

She blinked and the man’s smile grew even wider into a genuine expression.

“I can tell,” he said. “How much?”

“You’re not going to look inside?”

“I can tell.”

She told him.

“Good thing I don’t need to worry about the price so much.”

“Take me with you,” she said. He blinked and looked at her in confusion for a second, but then he smoothed over.

“All right.”

“I’m great with mechanics and engines and all sorts of useful stuff, right? I’ll definitely earn my keep and since you’d be buying me you won’t need to worry about paying me...”

He kept smiling.

“And I’m not big and fat so I won’t need a lot of room or anything. And well, if you wanted I know how to do other stuff too. I mean, if it’ll get me away from here, I’ll do anything, you know?”

He stopped smiling.

“Hold up, hold up,” he said. “I’m no slaveholder. If I buy you, it’ll be to set you free right after. And though a mechanic would probably work wonders for me, I won’t keep you where you won’t be, understood? Nor will I ask you... You know... for anything you aren’t willing to give.”

“Really?” she asked. Was this a dream? If so, she didn’t want to wake up. His smile returned a bit.

“Yeah. Go get your boss or whatever. No sense in waiting.”

She skipped off, lekku bouncing off her back and shoulders as if buoyed by excitement and happiness emanating from her.