Mu Satach

There is a certain amount of seductiveness to my illness. Over the past few months I've been feeling the pull but felt I was combating the pull fairly well. Well, not well, but well enough. I took time off from work. Organized and took care of some personal items that had been bothering me for quite some time. I started training for my half marathon in June. Eating better, working on everything outside of medical visits and medications that I am suppose to do.

And then Friday night; as I was walking in the park enjoying the unseasonably warm weather we're having in Salt Lake right now, it crept up and sunk it's fangs into the cord of my heart.

A symptom of the illness for me is exquisite depression. Irrational, unintentional, all consuming delicious darkness that fills my brain until I can no longer function. My own sweet sweet vampire comes and pulls at me, pulls at the very fiber of my core. It's intense, it's all consuming, it's addicting. It makes no rational sense. None. How could something so horrifyingly painful to the heart, mind and soul be so seductive?

When my vampire embraces me it wraps me in sorrow, reminds me of all my failures, my losses, my loneliness, my fears and predicts the inevitable ending of all I know, have known, and ever will know. In that moment my soul craves a warm touch of a friend. Something real and living to pull me back from death's sweet grip. However, there is never that warmth.

So Friday night instead I turned to my liqueur cabinet. The burning drowsiness of scotch and whisky numbed the pull temporarily and allowed me to ride the waves of despair.

In the light of day beneath the shining sun with the vampire shut away from me; I can objectively look at the past few days and try to make sense of it. What triggered the vampire? and more importantly, how can I ride the waves without turning to alcohol? It's a bad habit and a crutch. Although it helped this time, it will only compound the problem in the long run.

I've been thinking of looking for something I can volunteer for, or provide some service to people in need. There are so many people who have bigger problems than mine. Perhaps focusing on the needs of others would be a better distraction to use as my crucifix instead of the holy fire water of Friday night. Because I know it's not back in it's coffin yet.