Mu Satach

Over the past summer I've changed doctors and there was a change in my medication. The upside is that I'm really feeling better these days. I don't have to take sleeping pills anymore. And as long as I schedule days of rest and periodic down time, the rest of my time at work and at home has turned into something productive at last. Things are looking up.

The downside to all of this positivity is that I'm falling back into old habits. It's 10 'til midnight, and I just spent several hours pulling malware off a computer.

It wasn't my computer.

It wasn't one of the computers in one of my sport areas.

It wasn't a critical need by said user.

But, I told a co-worker who was stressed out today that I would drop by and check in on the machine before I went home.

And that right there is where I went wrong. I know malware removal is a long pain in the ass. If it's something that has been around forever then a quick run of some tools and a virus scan and poof, it's gone. But it rarely is that. I should have just given my co-worker some links to some sites and let him learn the way I did. A looooooooooong frustrating game of whack-a-file with a sprinkle of registry edits and hidden files. But, no, I want to be the good guy. I want to help everyone. But when I get sucked into a problem I get tunnel vision until I'm done.

After spending several hours identifying what particular slimy piece of code I was dealing with I then was able to run the right tools, identify the right files to remove and checked the registry. Voila! Sites, toolbars and other items were no longer in Russian. VICTORY! Chrome is still corrupted a bit, it takes forever to load, and wants to log directly into a profile. But, I had won. A major problem was removed, and the minor one could be fixed at a later time by my co-worker. Time to go home.

As I go to leave, an assistant of the user was in her office working on uploading a video of the nights match to their servers. I stopped and updated her on the status of the user's computer.

And then comes the reward? No, not a thanks, not a great, not anything like that. What I get instead is "That's not going to work. We need Chrome to work." Oooookaaaaaaay.

I pause, 'but Firefox and IE are working just fine' - "No, the site we use HAS to be used in Chrome. <insert users name here> is going to be mad that that is not working tomorrow."

Cue *put head through wall* scene. In my mind at least. In reality I think I said the F word under my breath.

I should have known that my best will never be good enough. I work in an athletics department with type A personality people who like to live out their dreams of being this guy (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD4q3leE5Uw) with better pay and more comfortable uniforms.

Tonight, I sacrificed my dinner, my workout, my personal time, my study time, my social time, my relaxation time - to be told I had basically accomplished nothing. The user was mad yesterday, the user was mad today and the user will be mad tomorrow. My sacrifice of my time meant nothing. Yay.

Which brings me to why I hate myself. I hate that I believe in my core that if I solve people's problems then my life has meaning. And because of that belief I willingly put other people's wants before my needs. Not only is that a completely fucked up belief, it's also one that could lead to my death.

If I don't eat on a schedule, I get sick.
If I don't sleep on a schedule, I get sick.
If I don't exercise daily, I get sick.
If I don't relax and schedule time to chill, I get sick.

And it's scary when I get sick. The sickness creeps up on me. A little symptom here, a bit of a pain there... and then one day I just won't exist anymore.

And now the hard part. How the hell do I remind myself of how I am feeling right now at this moment so that next time I feel the urge to do that one extra thing before I go home for the day, or finish up that one last problem, that I remember the absolute self worthless feeling I have about myself right now for wasting hours on something that ultimately didn't need to be solved right away.

pfft - time to go home, time to take meds, time to sleep.