Rebuilding Lives

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

* * *


She sat in a rather unassuming chair. It was nothing particularly extravagant or ornate, it was simply a chair. It was a place of comfort as all chairs are meant to be (in a manner of speaking, at least). There was no soft lulling of uplifting music in the air around her, and certainly no angels whispering in her ears to soothe any taxed nerves. Such things were only known to appear in terrible romance holos or novelas. No, where she was now was very real and very audible. No gentle tones or quietly whispered words of encouragement filled her auditory senses now.

With legs drawn up to help her better enclose the angry, crying bundle of inconsolable child, Loklorien s'Ilancy held tightly to her son. Her arms encircled him with firm care, her legs helping to push him against her chest as she sat like some form of Rodian frog in the thinly padded chair she'd chosen to occupy. A full three minutes of angry squalling had thankfully quieted down to the occasional hiccuping sob, and the Lupine had relaxed her position so that she sat somewhat comfortably, Markos still cradled close.

He had grown, but the boy was still so young and new to the galaxy. He was so new, yet his eyes shone with an old light that gave her pause every time she laid eyes on him.

And now?

Those eyes were wide open, meeting her own broken gaze with a strange expression of confusion and insistence. The unfortunate thing was, however, that she could divine nothing of his desires.

It was in that moment that she felt the most helpless she'd felt in a very long time.

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

Cirrsseeto paused in front of the door to Captain s'Ilancy's temporary planetside billet, keeping an umbrella squarely over him and the over-full tote he carried in his off hand. He knew that Loklorien was out of her comfort zone in more than a few ways. Recalled to navy headquarters on Dac just as he was, but with the added responsibility of her son Markos to share the voyage. Even still, he'd been surprised to get a local tightbeam comm from her. It was simple, really. She'd asked if he could pick up a few things for her and the cub. There were few things he wouldn't do for Loklorien. He'd fire walk over Mustafar for her. Getting soaked along the kilometer walk back and forth to the PX at closing hour was by far a simpler thing.

So he stood in front of the door, nearly every inch of him dripping wet despite the umbrella. Dac's wind was thorough, and the rain fell sideways as much as it fell downward. Cirrsseeto paused with his hand above the button for the chime. He thought better of it, and opted for the softer sound of gently rapping his knuckles against the door, lest he wake a baby on the precarious edge of sleep.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

He'd calmed enough for her to rise from the chair, holding him close to her chest as she took swaying, gentle steps. He was growing so fast, and was nearing the age that he'd soon take his first steps. Or at least, he was nearing when Teagan had taken her first steps. It was a strange thing to try and gauge one from the knowledge of another. But every word Teagan had assured her with before she'd left was helping now; Don't hold him too tight, but don't hold him too loose, either. He's really sensitive, so try not to be too overbearing. Also, he likes to suck on his fingers, so you'll have to make sure he has his pacifier. And if he starts to cry, he really likes the lullaby you sang to me. I sing it to him every night, and it calms him down like magic.

In a way it was humbling, to be given such instructions from her own daughter. Had she become so distant and calloused to her own children that it seemed as though she was learning how to be a mother all over again?

The soft knock on the door was enough to cause her hope, and the Lupine made her way to the front entryway. She palmed the hand-reader, and the door whisked aside to reveal a rather drenched Cirrsseeto.

She smiled gently, Markos stirring only once in her hold, and stepping aside s'Il beckoned him in.

"Captain Quez," there was no mistaking the relief in her voice.

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

Cirr didn't wait to be asked a second time. He passed through the threshold, mindful to linger on the absorbent anti-microbial doormat. He grimaced at Loklorien's greeting. Unlike some officers, Cirrsseeto always tried to escape the uniform wherever possible.

"Hey, jI'm off duty!" He spoke in the inflected whisper tones of a man very aware there was a sleeping baby in their midst. Cirr paused in place long enough for the residual rain to bead and cascade down the length of his umbrella. Once satisfied, he carefully eased it into an oversized decorative vase. Knowing the billet, it was probably just there for show, but it would definitely do for an umbrella stand.

Cirr eased past Lok, giving her free shoulder a friendly squeeze as he brought a pair of over-full bags into the suite's kitchenette.

"jI djid the best jI could on some of thjis. No kolto jelly, but jI got crream. Says jit's sujitable forr new cubs. Got some of these..."

He removed a stack of three frozen dinners.

"jI don't know. Fjigurre you mjight ljike one of them."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She watched him unpack the contents of his bags, each item carefully laid out on the countertop. He'd gone above and beyond her simple request, and the Lupine smiled a grateful smile as she moved closer to look at what he'd brought. Kosai Cream, a small bottle of namana juice, containers of local jellied fish, a wrapped parcel that she guessed was fresh knifetail, a small bag of pre-packaged tubertots, and three frozen dinners - each one a different meal. But, there were other things as well that her eye passed over, like a roll of washtowels, a brightly packaged youngling's toy that looked to double as a colorful teething ring, and a myriad of other small thigns that she might find useful. It was all much more than she'd expected him to bring, and with her free hand she gave his own a thankful grasp.

"Thank you Cirr," Markos stirred but gloriously did not fully wake himself. Yet.

"You didn't have to get all of this though."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

It was the polite thing to say, but still. Cirr's ear skewed and he gave her a look that was tough to trace.

"Therre's stjill a lot you don't know about my people, Lok."

He relented with a smile.

"jI wanted to."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

His words elicited another squeeze of his hand, and the Lupine closed her eyes as she gave a light shake of her head.

"What I know is mostly about the food," the escaping henh that dashed out from between her lips was followed by a rueful smile.

The sight of his culinary gifts though was enough to bring her mind back down to terra firma, and her gut suddenly felt rather empty. She still had a few groceries from her last trip out, which had been tragically cut short due to Markos and his ever-volatile temper; a small loaf of bread, a clear container of boralula leaves that looked as though they were nearing the end of their viability, some local lampfish paste, and a few jars of pickled choarn filet slices. Certainly nothing that most would consider... appetizing. Of course there was also a small collection of tiny jars, each one a pureed concoction of fruit and vegetable - and each one opened, yet mostly full. These were for Markos, and to her frustration, he seemed to hate each and every one of them. Rather, the low level of the lampfish paste was a telling indicator of what the boy preferred.

"Speaking of food," she twisted slightly on her heel, gently propping her son up, her eye traveling to meet Cirr's own blue gaze in a silent request that he take the boy.

"... are you hungry?"

For her part, she was starving.

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

"No sense jin lyjing to you about that." Cirr grinned, deferring with a nod. After all, she'd known him too long for him to pretend that he made a habit of skipping meals. Besides, if Lupines were like Cizeri, a host needed to feel hospitable, even if it was too much.

Cirrsseeto pulled up a chair at the kitchenette table, still mindful not to scuff it on the floor and create racket. He eased to sit, the faint whine of the servomechanism in his artificial leg audible in the otherwise complete quiet. Now he was ready for the baby. Cirr carefully took the swaddled baby in an embrace, holding him gently against his chest.

"He's got yourr nose. jI thjink."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"Hopefully that's not all he gets from me," she quipped. It was an attempt to ward off any latent ill feelings of the boy's father, yet light-hearted enough to allow room for a smile.

A metal cooking sheet was pulled out from the cupboard, and soon enough she had the oven primed. The tubertots were arranged in a single layer on the sheet before the whole thing was slid inside to cook. In the meantime, she pulled a jar of pickled choarn from the cooler unit, along with the last bit of dried dewback salami that she'd been saving.

"I'm afraid that I don't have too awful much; my diet isn't exactly... standard... when I'm on my own."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

Cirr was already half-lost in the conversation, giving the lion's share of attention to the little one in his arms. He'd watched Teagan grow up aboard Layla, and hadn't thought much about it then. Now was different. The thought of cubs was less a fantasy and more a thing that was almost real enough to consider. He teased the little curl of blonde hair poking out from the swaddle, grinning a little as he did.

"That's fjine, Lok. You could feed me anythjing and jit's stjill betterr than shjip rratjions."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"I truly suspect that rations are the work of those who live in the Dark Waters. Or perhaps they were conceived in one of Corellia's hells; I don't know. Either way, I will agree with you that they are horrid."

On a small wooden cutting board, she set about slicing the remaining salami into thin pieces.

"I'd almost wager that one could argue that they are war crimes wrapped in plastic."

She heard a small laugh from Markos, and turned to look at Cirr and the boy, who'd happily reached up to grab at the big Felinoid's hand. Small fingers closed around a thumb, and Markos gave another giggle, his mouth wide in an almost toothless smile - both of his canines had come in, and his front teeth were beginning to peak out from the gumline. Far from the angry, red-faced ball of unhappiness that he'd once been, the boy was now all smiles and bright-eyes.

The elder Lupine made a face.

"Engines and small children - is there some secret to your magic touch?"

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

Aware at the last moment she was still talking to him, Cirr diverted his attention from Markos back to his mother, letting the boy continue his tug of war on an offered finger.

"jI had a few youngerr brrotherrs and sjisterrs, not to mentjion njieces, nephews, cousjins, all that. Guess jI've had prractjice."

Markos cooed on cue, eliciting a fang-tipped grin from the Cizerack who continued to indulge him.

"Maybe jI'm thjinkjing about morre than prractjicjing."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

One finger plucked a sliver of pickled choarn from the jar, and wrapping it up in a slice of the salami, she half-turned on her heel to pass the quick snack to Cirr.

"Oh?"

She'd always known that he was far more inclined to a family life than Sanis, even during those old times aboard Layla. It didn't make finally hearing it from his own lips any less surprising. Well, maybe not surprising... just... not what she was expecting.

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

Cirrsseeto gratefully took the offering, nodding as he ate.

"Well, at the thjinkjing-about-jit parrt, at least."

He gave Markos a gentle bounce on his knee to try it on for size.

"jI thjink Lyanjie jis too, but jI'm stjill kjind of stuck on the moment, wonderrjing jif jits too earrly to talk about somethjing ljike that."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Another few slivers were wrapped in the salami, and a moment of idle thought sent her back to the cooler for a plastic-wrapped hunk of imported Ikopi cheese; ævre, the counter attendant had called. The rail-thin Rodian had also said it was from Naboo, and had bits of herbs and wild mushrooms in it. She'd been curious that day, and had opted to purchase the strange bit of food. She'd also gotten a more basic, plain bantha cheddar, but there was a care that she now used as she pulled the ævre from the cooler. The plain cheddar would be disastrous if she fed it to Cirr, but she was hoping that a cheese from a different animal would agree with him a fair bit more.

"I wouldn't be surprised if Lyanie thinks the same as you, but hasn't said anything either, just yet."

A small bit of the ævre was sliced away, and this she wrapped with a wider piece of choarn. She held it out for him, but before his fingers could make contact, she gave a word of caution.

"I was told that the cheese from an Ikopi is not the same as from a bantha... "

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

Cirrsseeto looked at the morsel with a little hesistation, then shrugged and took the offering.

"Thanks."

Swallowing, he mulled over his mentor's insights, lost in thought as he ran a thumb over Markos's thin crop of cornsilk hair.

"jI don't know, Lok. Maybe. jI don't know how rready she jis to gjive up the starrs."

He laughed.

"Orr me, forr that matterr. Maybe jit's easjierr forr me to thjink about jit frrom a Captajin's chajirr. jI'm just..."

Cirr paused, lost for a moment in Markos's eyes. He held the boy gently against his chest.

"jI'm tjirred."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She knew that tone. Intimately.

Pausing in her efforts to continue putting together small morsels of food, the elder Lupine felt her shoulders slump, her broken gaze settling upon Markos as the boy was more than happy to inhabit Cirr's arms. The boy was so innocent, so full of life and energy. He had no notion of the terrible machinations of his father, and - along with his sister - was the only good to come from Dan Thrule. The Sith would never know it now, but he had helped to bring into the galaxy two lives that were pure and unfettered by the Dark that he had so thoroughly inhabited.

She sighed; a long, low exhale that preceded a look of sorrowful longing.

Eyes closing, s'Il let herself sink into a chair opposite the small table that her friend sat at. Her entire body seemed to deflate.

"Would but we could all return to Cathar, and those old days when we were unshackled by duty."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

No, that wasn't it. Not exactly. Cirr shifted in his seat, grimacing.

"But we werre on the rrun constantly and afrrajid, orr at least jI was."

He did eventually grin.

"But when jit was good, jit was good. You'rre rrjight about that. But jif jI have a cub - jif we have one - jI want to be done wjith all of thjis. jI just don't know how jI can do what you do."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

"Sometimes... sometimes our circumstances are not how we wish," she mused, her voice low and thoughtful.

She paused, letting a hand rest on the table, fingers tapping idly.

"But, I understand your reluctance. And I would encourage you to only do something when you feel you are ready. But, if it happens before then... " her features grew softer, "... then that is how it is meant to be."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

"Plan forr chaos, huh?"

Cirr shrugged and sighed, which turned into a tired giggle.

"Well that at least jI do underrstand."

The grin that creased the Captain's face fell slightly. He stared into the empty space of the room for a moment, before hazarding a glance back at Lok. Something in his eyes was unsure.

"Can jI ask you somethjing?"

Cirr's eyes downturned briefly, but he fixed them back on the woman sitting across from him.

"What happened?"

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

It was a heavy question that he asked, and s'Il was loathe to begin a line of conversation that would last long into the night. Of course, there was a very real chance that that would happen regardless. And such a thing with Cirr... it was not entirely unwelcome.

"What happened... "

She repeated his words, standing with her back to him as she had returned to the counter for a morsel of food for herself. She was glad that she was not looking at him, so that he could not see the fleeting shame that passed over her features.

"That... is a very broad question, Cirrsseeto."

Her fingers had closed around a bite of food, but did not bring it to her mouth.

"Which part do you wish to know of... ?"

She would never deny him of anything that he asked from her.

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

"jI don't know how to begjin to ask."

Cirr looked down to Markos, who was heavy lidded and close to sleep.

"You'rre one of the closest frrjiends jI have. jI feel ljike...ljike jI've always known you. But somewherre along the way somethjing happened aparrt frrom that underrstandjing, and..."

He swallowed heavily.

"People djied. A lot of people. jI don't underrstand the forrce. jI prrobably neverr wjill. But you'rre my frrjiend. jI deserrve to know wherre jit all went wrrong."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Where it all went wrong.

So innocent a question, with an answer that was decidedly... guilty.

Finally she turned to face him, heavy-lidded eyes meeting his own; a broken blue and white gaze meeting crystalline azure. And in his arms he held her son. A boy sired by a being so evil...

The Lupine blew out a long breath, a lengthy exhale that seemed to hold the whole of the galaxy within it.

"I'll not insult the both of us by trying to explain the Force," she started with a low voice, "... but I may be able to show you."

The bit of wrapped meat she held was returned to the cutting board and she wiped her hands on a dish towel.

"It is an old rite among my people, if you will."

The short distance to the table he sat at was closed, and s'Il lowered her frame into the chair opposite his. Her hands remained folded in her lap, her eyes locked with his.

"If you wish to see with me, I would show you."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

His ears perked, then drew back in unsure apprehension. A moment later, they relented to an even expression. He wasn't sure what she meant, but then a part of him was certain of it, only in the way that he could find a word for it and nothing else. Cirr swallowed.

"jI...what do jI do?"

He held fast to Markos, not sure what seeing quite entailed.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She smiled then, an expression meant to smooth over the misgivings that his features betrayed. she lifted her hands up then, in a silent gesture that he hand her the boy.

"It is just that; seeing."

Gently, Markos was deposited into her hold, and she settled him into the crook of one arm.

"Before the Jedi, my people called it the Gift. Magic, sorcery, mysticism, witchery... many names. It was their second sight, gifted to us from the unseen powers of the universe. We birthed a great many rituals around it, and used it to see that which others could not."

Her free hand lifted then, to present her palm to him, slender fingers waiting to meet his own should he wish.

"This rite... it is an inner sight."

Her voice dropped to an almost whisper.

"See what I have seen."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

Then with a faith that can only be born of friendship, Cirrsseeto's broad hand met Lok's slender one in a tenative touch.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Skin met skin. Palm to palm.

It was a tactile beginning to a deeper connection that began as a slow trickle. Soon enough the emotions flooded through her, through her hand and into his own. From there each memory pushed its way before him, vying for attention.

Those old days of scrabbling for purchase, of hope. Of the heartbreak of loss, and the blossoming connection between a young woman and a man who spoke of love and longing. Of separation, of confusion, of the desperate need to understand. Of longing for closeness, of the first pangs of such deep and heartfelt love for a child held close. Of the need for reunion, and then the heartbreak once more, a crushing betrayal as acute and terrible as the weight of so many years. It came crashing down like the relentless waves of an unstoppable ocean.

Her life became his, as she shared everything with him.

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

The rush of conjoined emotion hit him like electric current, and Cirr's eyes widened from the shock. But he didn't see Lok. He saw through her. Through time and a thousand places, and a thousand moments, smells, words, and emotions. The despair, hope, kinship, love, adoration, betrayal, heartache, and resolution. In the span of minutes, decades of moments distilled through Cirrsseeto's mind, penetrating through assumptions, reservations, and any conception of understanding. He quavered under Lok's touch, trembling as emotions she felt surged electric through him like they were his own. Tears welled, and spilled down his face as his lips trembled, then pulled taut in an overwhelmed grimace.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Still she allowed herself to pour into him, and her fingers wound between his own to clasp his hand in a tight grip.

All of what he saw of her... there was still more.

"More... " she whispered desperately.

The moment of Dan's betrayal had come and gone, and what followed next was terrible. Her justifications and reasonings. To her - at the time - they had made perfect sense. And to Cirr they would as well. His understanding mirrored her own, as the oily slick sickness that permeated her old self splashed over him. And then the bright, unwavering light of understanding. It shone through the viscous and black to cast light on each and every misdeed. The terrible dreamstate that she had inhabited with Sol, watching the ethereal stones of her ancestral home crumble into dust. The desperation at having lost so much...

And then a sudden calm that overtook everything else. Overtook the roiling emotions and writhing mass of her inner turmoils. Turmoils that were - in this moment in time - his.

Silence and light, and then nothing.

She held fast to him, her hand unrelenting in its hold.

Finally.

"That is all of it," she gasped, releasing her grasp, yet keeping her hand against his.

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

His breath came ragged, then even. Carefully, Cirr pulled his hand back. His muscles ached, a feeling that he'd been conjoined for all the years he'd experienced pushed through his overwhelmed nerves. Suddenly aware of his own state, the Cizerack brushed the wet on his face with his fingertips, staring at the residue with eyes that were still light years away.

Still the emotions surged raw through him, and Cirrsseeto's eyes turned up again, limpid and threatening to crest as he looked to Lok.

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

Her hold on Markos remained firm through their entire shared experience, and s'Il eventually allowed her free hand to lower until it rested, palm-down, on the table.

"Now at least you have seen," she murmured, meeting his gaze with a quiet, level eye that held an underlining of shame and regret.

"All of what I shared... it is not an excuse. Seeing it though, at least explains the why."

[Cirrsseeto Quez]

It took Cirrsseeto a few minutes to come down from the emotional transference. He hung his head, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes as he sharply sniffled.

"jI haven't felt thjis..." he said, face still partly obscured, "jin so long. But jI underrstand thjis."

When he emerged again, Cirr's eyes were slightly swollen. He resisted the urge to avert them.

"jI know what jit feels ljike to be jimprrjisoned by love."

[Loklorien s'Ilancy]

She nodded in understanding, an almost serene figure, sitting with her son cradled in one arm.

"Not many can understand this."

Pulling in a long breath, the Lupine let it out in a slow exhale.

"They do not try to know, and many times they do not wish to know."