The Road to Damascus (Xanatos)

[Rev Solomon]

Several weeks had passed since Xanatos Etanial's arrival (http://theholo.net/forum/showthread.php?55852-Speak-no-Evil) on Ossus. By all reports the former Imperial agent had been on his best behavior - no trouble with the guards, cooperated with his Alliance debriefings, even received a number of curious visitors from the ranks of the Jedi with no quarrels or complaints. He'd eagerly spoken with all who would speak with him, and largely kept to himself when he was brought out of the musty confines of the Whaladon for his daily exercise. By and large his only requests had been for reading material, and pencils, and paper.

Reverend Solomon had asked Padawan Kestra Martell for a list of the texts Xanatos had been lent from the Council library. It filled most of two pages. There were texts on that list he wasn't aware they even had, some of them only recently digitized and copied from the stacks that had been unearthed in the Great Jedi Library a few kilometers outside of Sanctuary One. There were histories, memoirs, philosophies, commentaries on the philosophies, teaching manuals, even poetry and fiction. It could have been a doctoral study in Force theory, Jedi history, and ethics. Could one person really absorb so much in a few short weeks?

He supposed he was about to find out. The preacher was only a few short steps away from the man's cell, and the Alliance marine standing guard saluted as he drew near. "Good morning, Master Jedi," the grizzled man said. "Here to see the prisoner?"

"Good morning, sergeant," Solomon replied with a bow. "And yes. I'd like to take him for a walk, if he's up for it."

"As long as he isn't in the middle of another thesis," the marine smirked. "He hasn't had his exercise for the day, so he probably won't object. Do you want him bound?"

"That won't be necessary."

The sergeant frowned as he looked over Solomon's long and lanky frame, still missing most of its right arm, but he didn't argue. He keyed a sequence into the wall panel and scanned his ID card, and the door hissed open, admitting Solomon into Xanatos's small cell.

"Good morning, Mr. Etanial," Solomon began, but that was all the further he got before the sight of the quarters stopped him in his tracks.

[Xanatos Etanial]

Where one might expect to find a prisoner, on their cot was not where Xanatos was. Instead the cot had papers spread across it like a desk, the covers and thin mattress pulled away so that notes were more easily written on the hard surface beneath. The mattress for its part was rolled up in a corner, set to be unrolled onto the floor when the man would wish to sleep.

The walls had been used, starting behind the cot and spiderwebbing outward more and more notes, flimsi and paper pinned up and marked. Some lines drawn between them in places, there was a method to the madness however crazy it may look at first glance. Xanatos himself knelt before the makeshift desk reading through an bound volume, and jotting in a notebook beside him. He turned at the sound of his door opening, and raised his eyebrows in a touch of surprise at the Jedi Master who walked in. He stood, dusting off his pant legs and was suddenly very aware of the several days of stubble on his face, and his disheveled appearance. He had thought he had found a particularly interesting point of research, study and philosophy and had not bothered to stop, opting to nap at the desk instead of unrolling the mattress.

Still, despite his appearance there was a courtesy to extend. He bowed to the Jedi Master in greeting. "Master Solomon. Truly an honor to have you visit me." His smile brightened as he raised up, "This must be the work of the Force, your timing is perfect." He tapped the stack of Flimsi and cleared his throat. "I'm reading about the Crystal code, and I'm having a bit of confusion with the concept. The practice of the blade, yourself, and the Force all being as one. Is that figurative, or is there a deeper connection in the Force than that?"

[Rev Solomon]

The maelstrom of written notes and scribbled lines was dizzying enough that Solomon was glad to shrink his attention to something as concrete and tangible as the man standing before him, even if he had immediately launched into a line of inquiry that was probably lurking somewhere in those hanging pages. He could slip into the mindset of a preacher as easily as slipped into a favorite pair of boots.

"Well... there's certainly a bit of wordplay at work - it is a poem, after all. But if we look at the first four lines, we can see it moves from concrete concepts to something more abstract. The more familiar concepts help to explain the more mystical."

He quickly spotted the stanza at the top of the text Xanatos was reading and pointed to each line in sequence.


The crystal is the heart of the blade.
The heart is the crystal of the Jedi.
The Jedi is the crystal of the Force.
The Force is the blade of the heart.

"We know the physical role the crystal plays in the lightsaber's function - to focus and direct the weapon's energy into a usable form. The heart, then, performs the same role for the Jedi. But the heart is also the sum total of our will and our convictions. And so, as the Jedi is the crystal of the Force, he directs its energy, not as a blind physical process, but according to his convictions. And so when it is wielded by a Jedi, the Force is an expression of his character, just as the blade is an expression of the crystal's character."

[Xanatos Etanial]

Xanatos blinked, thinking about the words. It was harder for him to grasp, having no connection to a lightsaber himself, but he had been trained in swordplay had he not? He had for some time carried the heirloom sword of his family with him. There was something there about the blade being an extension of oneself, and that was at least part of what was here, though there was more to it than that he was certain.

"So then, it's about seeing the relationships of these objects? About being able to see how each mirrors the other?" He scribbled a few notes down quickly, words that connected to his own training with a blade, and to the lesson that the Jedi Master was sharing. He paused a moment later to put the writing utensil down, and give the Jedi Master his undivided attention. "I am very sorry, it seems that I was so eager to take advantage of your knowledge that I have completely sidetracked you. What may I do for you, Master Jedi?"

[Rev Solomon]

"Oh, that's quite all right. Really, I came by to see how you've been doing."

He paused and took another look around him at the flimsis covering the walls. "Do you think you're any closer to finding the answers you've been looking for?"

[Xanatos Etanial]

He followed the Jedi Master's vision, and smiled with a low chuckle. "Every time I think I make a little headway into well... all of this, it just leads me to further questions. Another resource I need to read through, or philosophy I need to study. I'm beginning to think my answers aren't something concrete I'll eventually find. It's... invigorating, honestly. Being able to throw myself into this reading, into these studies. There's so much here."

He shook his head a little with a sigh. "The only thing I'm certain of, is that it's not something I can find on my own."

[Rev Solomon]

"I admire your persistence," Solomon replied. "I wish some of my students had a tenth your appetite for reading."

He lifted a dogeared copy of The Path of the Jedi from the edge of the bed and smiled fondly. Master Soren Tau had introduced the book to him, deceptively dense for its brevity, and had made him read it through once a week for a whole year. After every week, Master Tau had asked him a new set of questions about the text, from memory, and their discussions unlocked new facets Sol had never before considered. What had started as a drudgery of rote repetition eventually became a pleasant stroll down a familiar path with a dear friend.

Just the same, he'd never touched the book again since.

"I'd be eager to hear your thoughts," he said, gently setting the book aside, "and to offer my own, such as they are. I won't claim to have all the answers myself, but I've been down the road you're walking now. I know it can be a lonely journey. But I also know it doesn't have to be. Would you care for some fresh air? I ordinarily take a walk this time of the morning, and I'd be happy to have your company."

[Xanatos Etanial]

The blue-haired man blinked at the Jedi Master a little taken aback by the question. He looked conspiratorially toward him, and replied in a whisper, he hadn't meant for it to come off as comical as it likely appeared. "Am I allowed to?"

He hadn't had a lot of time away from the cell since he'd arrived, there were exercise routines that he made use of, some in the cell and others he was allowed while under guard, but never outside of the Whaladon itself. To go outside would be nice, it'd been some time since he'd enjoyed fresh air.

"I mean, yes, I very much would like to - but I don't want to cause a problem."

[Rev Solomon]

"Well, it would be very awkward if you were to try to run off," Solomon said with a patient smile. "But from what I've heard about your behavior, I don't think that's likely. It's a warm day. You'll probably want to take some water with you."

The preacher offered Xanatos a canteen on a shoulder strap. The attending marine objected, no doubt thinking of any number of ways it could be weaponized, but Solomon waved off his concerns and said, "Don't worry, sergeant - I've got one of my own, too."

They stepped out of the dim recesses of the Whaladon and into the brilliant Ossian morning. Mist still clung to the shoulders of the mountains where they lay in shadows, but with the heat rising, the fog would burn away within minutes. Solomon led his charge up the ridge to the East of the colony under a cloudless blue sky that looked as eternal as the stars themselves. Soon they had a commanding view of the Sanctuary One colony, and even the massive Whaladon looked remote and small.

"Seems like just a few weeks ago this place was nothing more than a convoy of grounded ships and a few pavilion tents," Solomon said, face shaded with the suns rising at his back. "Before then, we were convoy on the move, just trying to stay one jump ahead of the Imperial navy. It's strange sometimes, looking back and realizing how far you've come."

[Xanatos Etanial]

It really was a beautiful morning, of course it could have been gray and raining it would have seemed beautiful after weeks inside, but with the fog rolling off the mountainsides in the early morning, the bright streaks of sunlight casting a welcoming feel across the landscape and the rising warmth of the day he was hit with a wave of nostalgia for the homeworld he had left behind.

He felt his breath catch in his chest as they reached the top of the ridge, air in his lungs stolen away by the sprawling colony. He hadn't really had a chance to take it all in before this moment. He had been rather quickly pulled before the council when he'd arrived, and shuffled off to a holding cell after that.

"Recollection is a powerful thing." He agreed. "The paths we end up taking can be astonishing in retrospect." His own path was confusing, twisting and fled into shadow and darkness far more often than he was comfortable admitting. He stood with the man for a moment, letting the silent agreement pass between them before turning to face him. "Thank you." There was so much to say thank you to the man for. He and the council had permitted him to stay, when they could have just as easily handed him over to the Alliance. He'd been allowed to study the teachings and history of the Jedi, despite his status as a prisoner. And the man had trusted him enough to take him outside, unguarded and unchained. Thank you, in all honesty, wasn't strong enough a phrase.

[Rev Solomon]

You're welcome was the customary response, every bit as common and provincial as its antecedent, just as grounded in the everyday acts of kindness that passed unsolicited between friends and neighbors. And so Solomon turned to Xanatos, smiled, and said, "You're welcome."

The preacher twisted open the valve on the neck of his canteen and took a sparing sip, savoring the cool burst of water on his tongue like fine wine. "You've had some time to reflect on your own path," he said. "Have you given any thought to where it might lead you from here? What kind of man you hope to become?"

[Xanatos Etanial]

A sigh escaped him with the question. "It's a difficult question, sir. I want to help people, this I know. I want to set my path on the straight and narrow and walk in the light, finally." He frowned a touch at that, shaking his head. "The impasse I find myself at is a bit more troubling. Knowing where I'm best positioned to serve others." He opened his mouth to say something and closed it, letting the breath he'd taken to speak with pass through his nose instead.

"I suppose I'm not being as honest as I could." He nearly had to force the words out as he sat down in the grass to stare over the colony, to really look over what the Jedi had built and started here. He wondered where it would eventually lead. What future was ahead for this place. "I know exactly what I'd like to become. The problem is I'm not sure it's a path that's opened to me."

[Rev Solomon]

"Perhaps," the reverend replied, "perhaps not. But it's plain to see something's been laid on your heart."

He raised his eyebrows in an unspoken question.

[Xanatos Etanial]

He bit back the nervous feeling that paraded around his stomach at the Reverend's words. He took a deep breath, slow, steady and let it out clearing his mind. He'd been studying on his own for weeks, including some meditative techniques, they'd helped in moments like this, fighting back the darker thoughts, the fear that he wasn't worthy of even breaching this topic with the history he had.

"I've read everything that I've been allowed to, so far. Studied it as diligently as I could. Tried to take it to heart." His words wavered for only a moment. "And everything I learn just propels me further to one singular idea. I want to live the rest of my life in the service of something greater." He looked at Solomon squarely then. "I want to serve the will of the Force." He let the air he'd been holding as he got that out leave him in a drawn out sigh. "When I think of that - I know it's the path I need to walk. But a man like me? I'm not sure I even have the right to mention the word "Jedi" in the same breath I use to talk about myself."

[Rev Solomon]

Solomon studied the man before him with undisguised interest. Where was this impulse coming from?

"There are many ways a man can serve the will of the Force," he replied. "I don't believe the Jedi way to be more sacred than any honest occupation - building a house, healing the sick, raising a family... I'd go so far as to say that we do what we do so that those more essential labors of life may carry on across the galaxy."

Life in Sanctuary One spun on below as if to illustrate the principle. The Jedi Enclave, once the hub of a tiny settlement, was fast becoming a side attraction in a bustling community of little towns. And that was as it should be. The Old Order spent too much time in its ivory towers, too far removed from the needy population at their very doorstep. That removal, Solomon was convinced, had been instrumental in their downfall.

"So why does the path of the Jedi appeal to you?"

[Xanatos Etanial]

Xanatos steepled his fingers, head bowing a bit. "I've never been a particularly religious man, sir." He sighed a bit, shoulders heavy with the weight of his actions. "But I believe in a balance." He locked eyes with him, "I have not led a honorable life, and I can be honest enough with myself to know that even when I've thought I was doing the right thing, I've followed the wrong path."

"You say that what the Jedi do, is done so that those other labors may flourish?" He nodded, "I agree fully with that idea. That is precisely why this path calls to me. I am a guilty man, and I can think of no labor more appropriate than to give myself to the act of bettering the rest of the galaxy. And if I'm being honest? I do see a bit of penance in such an act, as selfish as that may be. My soul needs set on a righteous course, Reverend."

[Rev Solomon]

Solomon nodded sagely. "You've given a good answer. Well-reasoned, sincere, from the heart. But if you mean to follow the path of the Jedi as penance for your sins, then it will destroy you, along with everyone you hope to save."

[Xanatos Etanial]

Xanatos felt the air leave his lungs before he could get a word out. Were there words he could actually offer to such a rebuke? He had been so certain this was the path, but this man before him. A Jedi Master, a religious teacher at that, had pulled the rug out from under him on both topics.

His eyes searched the ground as if sure that something was there that would give him an answer, he could feel consonants die on his lips as he tried to find something to say in response. He let a terse breath slip from his nostrils, lips tightening to keep any further mortally wounded sentence fragments from plummeting out.

"I guess I don't understand as much as I'd hoped." He felt an itch in his neck, that drive to find out what he had done wrong, he'd have to go back over every piece of study material he'd worked through. He'd missed something. He must have.

[Rev Solomon]

The reverend laid a firm hand on the young man's shoulder and smiled. "I speak as a man who has stood where you stand now. I know what it's like to feel that you must make things right. But there is nothing either of us can do, in our own power, to ease the burden of what we have done. Now, you can let that knowledge drag you down to despair. Or you can let it set you free. The old must pass away before all things are made new."

[Xanatos Etanial]

His brow wrinkled a bit. "That... that is a difficult task." He sighed knowingly, "...but I'll work on it." He offered a small smile back in reply, even as he felt the road before him lengthen with this new knowledge.

"Thank you, Master Solomon."