Our Last Days As Children

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She'd always hovered on the far periphery during the classes spent in Abarai Loki's saber lessons. She hung back always, never volunteering as other padawans did. She always did her best to be as invisible as possible. It wasn't necessarily because she didn't want to spar, but more because she simply didn't wish to place herself in front of others. Was she afraid of rejection? No... she'd already become well acquainted with the feeling since coming here. Though, things had begun to change. Slowly, but they were changing.

She'd been given so much to consider and think on, and the looming 'decision' that she had to make swung over her, coming closer with every pass. It was constant, and she knew that a choice would have to be made. It didn't make her any less frustrated over the notion though. She wasn't old enough to even begin thinking about resolution. To begin thinking of the rest of her life.


Perhaps that was what brought her to the sparring ring now?

It was not the normal time for sparring lessons, and so the area was mostly empty. A few padawans milled about, but they mostly talked among themselves and what they would've done if it'd been them in the ring. It seemed like so much standard fare, and the young Lupine ignored it all.

She was really only here for one person, anyway.

Though, she couldn't help a slight flushing that caused her ears to redden. Even as she didn't see him yet, the girl wasn't so sure he had ever truly forgiven her.

Which was why she'd come with at least a small bit of insurance.

Grasped in one hand, she held a small bag. Inside had been tucked a plastic container of thick shaak and tuber stew, a wrapped slice of garlic toast, and a small cup of freshly picked periberries. It was one of the better meals that the mess hall had put out, to be honest. It was simple and filling, and gave her at least something to try and mend fences with.

She stood at the edge of the main sparring ring, suddenly unsure of where to go next. She bit her lip, and let out a long, low breath.

[Abarai Loki]

When the first sparring ring was made, an inch-deep trench in the dirt, it stood in the long shadow of the Whaladon. As the outpost expanded in size and numbers, the all-important sparring ring was relocated away from the shade, where it multiplied. Now the padawans dueled on hot white hobs of sun-baked duracrete and, for the first time in his tenure of lightsaber instruction, he had been forced to terminate his lesson on account of a Trandoshan with cooked feet. A sheen of freshly-wiped sweat coated the back of his hand; having grown up on Maridun, he wasn't normally bothered by the heat, but as the afternoon marched towards the evening, the sun remained stubborn and high. A gentle breeze provided a fleeting reprieve but on it was carried something far more interesting.

It was as he packed away the last of the training sabers that he noticed it, a smell with the power to chase away his disappointment. He turned, and his heart sank to see Teagan s'Ilancy where he had hoped to find a kindly service droid from the canteen. In what world would that ever happen? Suddenly aware of his own stabbing hunger, it was with some reluctance that he approached his one-time tormentor, who looked quite out-of-place standing ringside like that.

"Teagan s'Ilancy, the lesson is over. If you wish to fight, be punctual."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She idly kicked at a small pebble, looking down to the ground as he walked toward her. His usage of her full name sounded strange, but it was also something that she was becoming used to. The older she'd gotten, the fewer instances that the pet name her mother had given her was spoken. The young Lupine frowned, then looked back up to Loki.

"I didn't come here to fight."

She rarely ever did anyway; the notion of it made her uneasy.

"I just... "

Gods but he looked just like an impatient storm rolling in, closing the distance between them. She didn't step back though, and held her ground firmly.

"I wanted to talk to you."

It sounded out of place and bizarre, considering that the times he did speak he never really afforded anyone a chance to respond. At least, her rare interactions with him made it seem as such. Even during the... incident... aboard the Whaladon, he'd seemed so prickly.

Forging ahead though, the girl was loathe to retreat. She'd come this far, after all. She hefted the bag up, holding it out between them as a peace offering.

"I brought you lunch."

[Abarai Loki]

A "What?" was taking shape on his tongue, but he held it in. The distance closed between them with a tentative step. He was watching her carefully; the expression on Teagan's face was solemn, fearful, perhaps, and possibly sad. Emotions were difficult and, in this case, deceiving - he remembered only too well the extent of Teagan's acting talents. Whatever mask she wore, it melted into something resembling sincerity, if only for a moment. Had he hesitated? Had she seen?

The bag was promptly taken. It smelled incredible. First, a cautionary glance to validate its contents - he also remembered the glitter bombs: easy to wash from the skin, difficult to cleanse from the soul - and then, at last, he relaxed.

"Thank- thank you, padawan." He braved a longer look inside the bag and found himself fighting off a powerful desire to faceplant into the first edible thing, but instead, he surfaced, his face creased with confusion, "Why?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She'd seen the hesitation, and knew without a shred of a doubt why. Didn't make things any easier, that was for sure. But, it did give her a hesitation of her own. He was watching her like a hawk, looking for some sort of ruse. Surely he wasn't concerned that she'd steal his lightsaber again... ? The absurdity of it all made her almost smile. Both cautious of one another, but for two entirely different reasons. It was very nearly a laughable situation... except that Teagan was certain that Abarai Loki didn't even know how to laugh. It wouldn't surprise her at all if he didn't.

As he took the bag, inspecting its' contents, she had to bite her tongue before blurting out a reassurance that no, she'd not booby-trapped the food. She did however wince at being called 'padawan'. It just didn't sit well, and her ears ticked back in a minute sign of mild aggravation.

And then the 'why' came. She wasn't really surprised. She'd made it a point to not be around him, even going so far as to outright avoid him at most opportunities.

When his cyan eyes tilted back up to meet her own, she made a helpless face, punctuated by a shrug.

"Well, I figured... I mean... "

Best to start somewhere she supposed, and Teagan let out a pent-up sigh as she stuffed her hands into the front pockets of her grey trousers.

"I owe you an apology."

[Abarai Loki]

The words sent an electric charge from his ears to the balls of his feet, paralysing him to the spot. It was a feeling that had, en route, upended his stomach and knotted his intestines, making it for the best that he hadn't yet actually eaten. The dread took shape in his mind's eye: a lost training saber, a broken droid, a crashed ship, a nexu in the dorms, and a forest on fire - the possibilities were limitless where Tak was involved.

He stiffened, and fixed her with a steely gaze, "What have you done?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She blinked in surprise at the question that sounded more like an accusation. Her features knitted even though she supposed that she shouldn't been shocked.

"Well, um,"

Teagan cast a hinting look to his belt, where his saber was clipped. There were still times that she could taste the sharp metallic tang. She gestured to it.

"You know, that."

The floodgates seemed to open then as she kept going.

"And taping it in the concussion missile tube with the thumbtacks and zip-needles and stinkbomb, and the glitter, and the name-calling, and... and... "

She was pretty sure there was more, but she seemed to stall out.

Still he stared at her, and finally Teagan lifted both hands out into to the air between them, making unintelligible signs with her fingers while repeating her apology - this time enunciating each syllable and going slower so she could be sure that he'd understand.

"I'm. Sorry."

[Abarai Loki]

"Ah." He understood, and it sounded like someone had just stepped on his foot. "Yes. Well. That was a long time ago. I had quite forgotten. Barely worth mentioning."

If his thoughts could've vocalised themselves, they would have sounded like the desperate screeching of brakes prior to an ugly collision. Of all his shameful memories, the one he would most like to forget was the indignity of losing his lightsaber to a couple of relentless demon children and the sordid depths to which he had to stoop in order to retrieve it. When Teagan recounted the details, including things he had willfully erased from his memory, it was a bit like reliving the shame of it all over again. Perhaps it was a new and more sophisticated form of torture she had devised.

He cleared his throat, and said, "Very well, then. Apology accepted."

And, to his horror, he saw himself extending his hand. He didn't shake hands! What was he doing!?

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

As if on instinct she reached out to accept his offered hand. It really was something that - despite her upbringing - happened without thought. There was no premeditation involved, and as surprised as Loki's own face was, her features mirrored his almost exactly. How was it that this gesture was so universal as to be understood by everyone?!

And with that notion, the young Lupine realized with a sudden jolt that this was the first time she'd done such a thing. Oh, she'd held hands before; her mother's, Zem's, Wyl's... but a handshake? This was completely new territory, and she grasped Abarai Loki's hand with a strange grip. It felt... weird.

To say the least, his hands were... soft...

Dama's hands had always seemed rough and calloused, and Zem's even more so. But Loki's hands... his palm and finger pads seemed so smooth, and Teagan found herself enraptured. She clutched his hand in an unrelenting grip, her eyes fixed to their joined grasp, and slowly she looked up, crystal blue meeting brilliant cyan.

The tone in her voice reflected her surprise.

"You hands are so soft... "

[Abarai Loki]

Loki recoiled, scandalised. Soft was not a word with which he wanted any association; it was a diseased word, and probably contageous. He inspected his hand with impatience before skewering Teagan with a scolding look.

"These are the hands of a warrior who understands the importance of a good moisturiser."

It was at that moment he realised there was nothing of value to be gained from the conversation. Instead, he followed his stomach and indulged in a second glance at Teagan's peace offering. Before he tucked in, however, he spared her a thought.

"Have you eaten?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She stared at him, wide eyed, as he pulled away to give his hand a once-over. It wasn't the reaction she was expecting, that was for sure. Was what she'd said so bad? She'd not thought that it was, but with him, the young Lupine was never quite sure. Her brow knit and she gave a slight wince as he spoke of... moisturizer?? What in the galaxy was that?! Suddenly self-conscious, Teagan looked down at her own palms, her mind racing.

But, his next words did well enough to pull her from her confusion.

"Oh, yeah. I've already eaten."

She braved an appreciative smile.

"But thank you," a gesture was given to the bag, "... it's all yours."

Again her hands went into her pockets. Best to get on with things.

"I wanted to ask you about, well, about being a Jedi."

[Abarai Loki]

Beside the empty sparring ring, Loki lowered himself onto his knees and disgorged the bag of its contents. The cup of berries was set aside in favour of the stew, and the garlic toast was unwrapped like a Life Day present; he tore off a corner and used it to slop up the thick steaming stew. Teagan had almost been forgotten, and it wasn't until he noticed a pointed suffing of feet between mouthfuls that he regarded her again. Gone was the discomfort of their previous exchange; in its place was a warmth in his belly that had earned the little Lupine a veritable fortune in patience.

"You want to know about the Jedi way?" he said, sizing up his next bite, "This is a day of firsts."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

His enthusiasm for the food she'd brought was not lost on her. There'd been many days that the desire for something to eat overshadowed any other thoughts and outside distractions, and Teagan simply moved to sit beside him. It was strange to see him like this; actually enjoying something outside of yelling at padawans and just generally being disagreeable. It was good to know that he had another channel to tune to; even if it was an often unused one. Also good to know, was that food seemed to be a way to tone him down, even if it was just a small bit.

"Well, not so much the 'way', exactly."

She bit her lip, leaning back a small bit as her arms went behind her at an angle to keep her propped upright.

"I mean, how old were you when you decided you wanted to do... " she shifted her weight to allow one arm to come around and out, gesturing at the expanse before them.

"... all of this?"

[Abarai Loki]

Surfacing from his feast-for-one, Loki followed Teagan's hand, and studied their surroundings with a furrowed brow. It dawned him that she was referring not to Ossus specifically, but the people who inhabited it. Indeed, Ossus had never been on his agenda, much like the ragtag Wheel before it - both just sort of happened. Much like the free meal before him. It was the stew that held his attention while he contemplated the question, and contemplated the fact that, the longer he took to answer, the longer he had to wait to eat. His stomach would be better served if he were forthcoming in his responses, he decided.

"A curious question," he began, indulging in a cheeky periberry, "The decision was not mine to make. It was a duty assigned to me by my master."

Then he remembered her previous remark about being a Jedi, and he looked at her with fresh curiosity, "You are ready to make this duty your own?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

"Gods no," came out before she had the presence of mind to stop herself.

"I mean-" and now on to once more salvaging her intent. "I just think- "

She watched as he chewed the periberry, the way his jaw moved to crush the small fruit between his teeth. She didn't exactly wince, but she certainly made a worried face as her imagination ran wild with visions of herself as the berry, being mashed up, chewed into a pulp, and then spit out to land in a saliva-drenched gooey puddle on the dusty ground. All courtesy of Abarai Loki. For as little as she'd thought of him all those years back, he now very much intimidated her.

She looked away.

"It's just that it's a big decision. I'm too young to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life."

And before he could say anything, she went on, again her mouth moving faster than her brain. Though this time, she looked at him with a sideways look, addressing his admission of the decision made for him.

"It doesn't seem fair, such a big choice being made for you, and you're not allowed to have a say in it."

[Abarai Loki]

"Fairness," Loki scoffed, "A selfish conceit."

It was an attitude he encountered often amongst padawans, and younglings, and even some of the knights: a rampant individualism that was at odds with a Jedi's oath to serve and protect. People like Halajiin Rabeak, whose egos were fattened by an exaggerated sense of self-worth, who failed to recognise the simple fact that the needs of the many outstripped the needs of the few. Loki's recruitment into the Jedi ranks, such as it was, had been an act of defiance in the face of annihilation, and every day he drew breath stood as a testament to that defiance. However, Teagan's remark gave him pause for thought, for it marked the first time in his life he considered what might have been, had he been given a choice. As he turned over the staggering ramifications of a few simple words, his face hardened.

"When I was born, the Jedi were an endangered species. It fell to my master to pass on his knowledge; to preserve the Jedi legacy for a new generation. He made the choice for me."

He gave a firm nod, "It was the right choice."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

Teagan fixed him with a pointed look then, lips pursed in a look that conveyed every ounce of the scoffing tone he himself had previously taken.

"Whether it was right or not, you'll never really know."

Looking away then, she leaned forward slightly, a finger going out to draw designs in the sand between her legs.

"'Sides. No one can make the right choice for you," her fingertip drew a halfmoon, then lazily continued on to create a swirl.

"Only you can."

[Abarai Loki]

"Do not presume to know my mind, Teagan s'Ilancy."

Bothered by her idle speculation, Loki tore off another piece of garlic toast and stabbed at his stew with it. She spoke of his becoming a Jedi as some sort of lost opportunity. What nonsense. He grunted at the absurdity of it, even as he chewed. And then, once that homely warmth hit his stomach again, his enthusiasm for debate renewed.

"Being a Jedi means the pursuit of pefection in both body and mind. It means being the best." He turned to her in earnest, "What self-respecting person wouldn't want to be the best they can be?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

Teagan scowled at his rebuke, but it was an expression sent to the dirt and the designs that she was drawing. She'd half expected him to gather up his meal and tromp off, but to her surprise Loki stayed where he was. Even more so, he spoke up once again. And when he looked at her, the girl couldn't help looking back, their eyes locking. At first she thought that he'd been intent on intimidating her, but looking deeper it became obvious that he was in fact heartfelt in his question.

"Well, I dunno."

Her eyes went back to the swirls and patterns in the sand.

"I think any person would want to the the best they can be, and that it's not just something that only Jedi can be. I mean, a pilot is always trying to be the best pilot they can be, and an artist is always trying to be true to themselves and make the best art that touches people."

She swiped the palm of her hand over her work, wiping it away to a flat surface.

"Even that sandwich guy, his sandwiches are so good, because he's... well, he's kind of crazy I think, but he's always trying to be the best sandwich maker in the galaxy."

[Abarai Loki]

"I am going to pretend for a moment that you have not just drawn a comparison between a Jedi Knight and the sandwich guy."

He returned to his food to give the dust a moment to settle following Teagan's torrent of nonsense. It was a line of reasoning that warranted not a second thought. Sometimes he wondered if people just said these things to upset him. The sandwich guy, indeed. No, he thought as he ate, he would not rise to it. Nothing of any value could be gained from such an exchange. It seemed that Teagan s'Ilancy was determined to spend the rest of her days being wholly unremarkable; she was an anomaly, a lost cause. All that was left was for them to part ways on amicable terms and be done with it.

When his words came, they came in a flurry of disbelief:

"Are you seriously trying to imply there is as much worth in dedicating your life to the service of justice and peace as there is in the pursuit of the perfect sandwich?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

"Have you ever had one of his sandwiches?" The response came swiftly, and with a touch of forcefulness.

She thought on his question more though, and while she could understand his words, she also knew that, for her, it wasn't so black and white. It wasn't such a stark difference.

"A sandwich isn't a lightsaber, I know." Words spoken with a healthy amount of exasperation. "But the person is the same. It doesn't matter what they do as long as they try to be the best in whatever they do."

There seemed to be such a divide between herself and Loki, and Teagan was becoming increasingly convinced that they'd never see eye to eye. Frustrating, but she supposed that was how things went. She watched him eat, her features a strange mixture of aloofness and curiosity. For as rough as Abarai Loki was, she couldn't deny that he was satisfied with the way things had mostly turned out. The thought of it only made her frown. Venting a sigh, she dusted her hands off on her trousers.

"I get that being a Jedi is serious business for you. And that's great and all, but not everyone is you."

The thank gods didn't even have to be said.

[Abarai Loki]

"In truth, very few can be me."

When he spoke, Loki could very well have been addressing his bowl of shaak and tuber stew, for all the attention he gave his companion. Slowly, he turned his spoon, as if in doing so he could unearth some nugget of wisdom previously denied to him. She didn't understand. He was a Jedi - a Jedi! - everything he had he gave to this way of life; to fight evil, to defend the innocent. It was important. The responsibility stood like a monument upon his shoulders. How easily she shrugged it off.

"Look around you, Teagan. This is Ossus, the last bastion of the Jedi Order. You are surrounded by men, women, and children who have committed themselves to a life of discipline and servitude. Good people who have clawed their way back from the brink of annihilation to fight for those that cannot fight for themselves. If you can stand on this earth and remain ambivalent about what we do, then perhaps you already know the answer to your question."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

"I'm not being ambivalent."

The denial was firm, surprising even herself. Not necessarily on the defensive, Teagan found herself examining not only the choice that she now faced, but the one that had been made for him. It still seemed to be such a monumental decision to her, but it was one that she was taking seriously all the same. After all, this was the direction of the rest of her life that she was trying to divine. It was not something that she could, in good conscious, take lightly.

Picking up a handful of sand, she opened her fingers ever so slightly to allow a small stream of grains to slip out steadily, back to the ground.

"I learned about the second pillar, knowledge, a few weeks ago. And how every one here is encouraged to know and learn all they can. If those 'good people that clawed their way back' did so so that we could learn, wouldn't it be unfair to their efforts if we didn't? I mean, wouldn't it make sense to know everything I can before making my decision? If I decide one way or the other without knowing all there is to know about the path I choose... it just seems to me that it'd be- " she hesitated, unsure of the right word to use. Another moment later, and she finished.

"- dishonorable."

The sand slowed to a bare trickle.

"People Like Master Sol, and Master Serena, and Master Zem... it would be wrong to do that to their beliefs."

A sideways look was sent to Loki then, as she watched him take another bite of his stew.

"You didn't have the chance to make your choice, but I do. And I'm not going to discredit them by not knowing all that I can before making my decision."

[Abarai Loki]

"You misunderstand."

Done with his late lunch, Loki turned to face Teagan and provide her with his full attention. When their eyes met, he saw the defiance light like a fire, ready to purge his judgements. There was intelligence, too. It gave her gaze an edge. Buried deep inside of this little girl, there was a warrior of ferocious potential. It was in her blood. It was in her eyes. A stranger's eyes: the eyes of her father. Only one key ingredient was missing.

"Knowledge? Knowledge is nothing. The will is everything."

His hand fell to his belly, "You can feel it burning like a fire here."

He pointed at his head, "It cuts like a blade here."

And then, he stood. "And you will never know if you're ready to become a Jedi. You have to feel it. It has to mean something. Being a Jedi is not a job, it is a whole new way of life that you must be ready to commit to for your entire life. Do you think a little fact-finding is going to help you come to terms with that?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

"A decision like this is huge, and I can't listen to just one half of me."

He stood, but she remained sitting, craning her neck upward to look at him.

"So go ahead," she looked away, not exactly scowling, but certainly not with a joyous expression, either. It was then that she too rose to her feet. "Make fun of me and my 'little fact-finding'. Tell me all about how it's not worth doing and how I have to feel my way through everything involved with being a Jedi."

Teagan breathed in deeply, bringing in the crisp, fresh air around her. It was a strange mixture of so many scents that she'd come to identify with the Jedi. Sweat, freshly cut lumber, the acrid stink of wielded metal, even the dirt had a particular odor. But, mixed in were the loveliest of smells; flowers, freshly cooked food, and the raw wild. It permeated everything, mingling together to form a strange, many-headed beast that held depth and complexity. Her eyes didn't narrow, but they did hold a stalwart and determined gleam in them as she looked back to Loki. Gone was the cautious girl that'd initially come to him.

"But, I'll tell you what I do feel right now. I feel that if I just run headlong into something on just the strength of 'will', I'll most definitely fail. There's nothing wrong with knowledge; it's just as important as anything else around here."

[Abarai Loki]

"You are contemplating a life of extraordinary hardship and sacrifice. I do not mock you."

The words trickled out slowly, said in the practiced manner of someone used to having to explain themselves. Loki's thoughts matched his speech: deliberate, plain, slow. When it came to the Jedi, he was given to speaking first from the heart, and the heart was inclined to rush. He had to really think about what Teagan was saying if he was going to reach her.

"Nor do I encourage you to rush into your Jedi training. Quite the contrary, in fact. It seems like you are trying to convince yourself it is the right choice for you. And, while I consider becoming a Jedi the greatest of personal endeavours, I concede it is a path very few can walk."

His shoulders sunk under the weight of heavy sigh.

"You remind me very much of your friend, Wyl."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

The mention of Wyl elicited an almost immediate reaction, as Teagan snapped her head away, looking at a far off building still being constructed. It wasn't surprising, she supposed, that he had come to such a conclusion.

"Yeah well," her hands stuffed themselves into her pockets, and she let out a long breath. And very suddenly, she felt the words that she'd had on her mind suddenly whisked away into nothingness. What she'd intended to say evaporated, and the girl pursed her lips.

"It is what it is," she finally settled on. Which, all things considered, was incredibly unsatisfactory. It wasn't a worthwhile answer, even she knew that. But, even just the mention of Wyl was enough to bring back vibrant memories of happier times, and her features fell into a scowl. It wasn't Loki's fault, she knew that much. It was just the curse of changing times.

A sigh, and she finally offered what she hoped would be a better answer.

"Things don't always turn out how you think they will."

[Abarai Loki]

Loki studied Teagan's disjointed response with curious narrowed eyes. Though she hadn't really told him anything, her reaction spoke volumes. Evidently, he'd hit a nerve.

"Indeed." His own reply was equally non-committal, although in his case, that was deliberate. In his experience, things rarely worked out the way he'd planned, but he wasn't about to bear his soul to a padawan in such an unprofessional and manipulative way. If Teagan was going to open up, she could do it on her own terms.

"I spoke to him before he left." He allowed the confession to slip out as casually as possible, while he focused his gaze on the crown of mighty kingwoods overlooking the valley. "Like you, he had doubts about his future with the Jedi Order. I agreed with him."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

Teagan looked to the ground then, digging the toe of her left boot into the soft sand. She didn't say anything for a short while, contemplating Loki's words in silence. And though she knew that it was the farthest thing from the truth, she couldn't help but wonder just a little bit if this was some form of him getting back at the two youngsters who'd so thoroughly terrorized him aboard the Whaladon. She knew that wasn't the case, but sometimes she had to wonder if there were ties, however thin, that would always go back to that day. It was like a little smidgen of doubt in her mind; ludicrous yes, but there all the same.

"I don't really know what you want me to say to that. I mean, do you want me to be mad at you about it?"

She thought a moment, then shrugged. "Ok yeah, maybe I'm a little upset, since you aren't exactly Captain Tactful."

She let her eyes travel up then, and following his own gaze, stared at the far off line of kingwoods.

"You didn't make the decision for him though, he made that by himself. I miss him every day, but it was his choice to leave."

Didn't make it any harder to say. She'd had to let go of so many things in her life, and not once had she ever considered having to let go of Wyl Staedtler.

"I'd rather him happy elsewhere, than miserable here."

[Abarai Loki]

"Then we are in agreement."

It was perhaps not the reply Teagan had expected; Loki himself was a little surprised that he had conceded to such sentiment, but, on reflection, he found his companion's words rang true. There was no worth in forcing someone to do something they didn't want to do: as an exercise, it was beneficial to no-one and almost certainly doomed to fail. Losing Wyl meant one less mediocre Jed. And, while they needed the numbers, it could not be at the expense of morale.

"My doubts about Wyl's Jedi prospects were no greater than my doubts about yours. You overestimate my influence if you think I had a hand in his departure. Indeed, had I told Wyl Staedtler that I didn't think he had the makings of a Jedi, he would've spent the rest of his life proving me wrong."

He gave a grunt and folded his arms.

"What I asked of him was simple, and it is a question I put to you, Teagan s'Ilancy: what is important to you?"

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She looked from the trees to him, blinking as she thought of his question. In truth it was an easy one to answer, but speaking of what she wanted had been so often, as of late, a rare thing. The two things that she most wanted were the two things that she had wondered if she would ever have again. She felt like a leaf, tossed about in the wind and pulled every way but the way that she most desired.

"I... " she made a pained face, unable to hold his gaze as her own was sent back to the kingwoods.

"Having a family, and a home."

Two things that she had had once, only to have each one ripped away and left like open wounds. Her memories these days were like the worst of phantoms, her dreams at night like the worst of tortures.

But, ever so slowly she had begun to heal, whether she realized it or not. Even though her mother was still worlds away, she at least had her brother and Master Vymes.

Teagan reached up then, to wipe away an offending tear as she brushed away her confession, knowing that it was not up to Loki's stringent expectations.

"It's stupid, I know."

[Abarai Loki]

"It is important to have a sense of belonging." The words rolled from him like a shrug, "The Jedi are my family. Ossus is my home."

He could only spare Teagan a fleeting glance. Tears were private and indecent, like so many dreams - nothing but shame and discomfort would come from their acknowledgement. In truth, he wasn't sure how to deal with a crying person: some people smothered them with hugs, others patted and stroked them like domestic animals, while others held hands and made ridiculous cooing noises. As a rule, Loki wasn't big on physical contact that didn't involve bloodshed. Instead, he sought to bridge the gulf between them by means other than touching, and that meant finding common ground.

"But it wasn't always that way." He started strong enough, but proceeded tentatively, careful with his words: "I had a brother once; a grandfather, too. In finding the Jedi, I was fortunate. Had I not, I would have been resigned to roaming the galaxy indefinitely; without a home, without a purpose; rootless. Deep roots are vital for growth, Teagan s'Ilancy. Moreso than even shaak and tuber stew."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She wiped the small bit of liquid on her pants, and with a long, forced breath, calmed her nerves. With a small bit of inner scolding, Teagan shifted her weight.

"You can just call me Teagan, you know," she mumbled. It felt a little bit awkward every time he spoke her full name.

Still though, his words of having a brother strangely enough hit a chord, and the girl - now thankfully devoid of any further tears - looked at him in curiosity. This new knowledge resonated so strongly with her for reasons both obvious and not. Her brow knit in thought, as she tried to imagine what a sibling of Loki's might look like, and how alike the two would've been.

"What was he like; your brother, I mean."

[Abarai Loki]

"Roku was three years my senior, and was as much a rival as he was my brother. He was passionate, confident, strong; he loved to win."

It had been a long time since he had mentioned his brother. The potency of his name conjured vivid pictures of ancient memories: what Roku lacked in height, he compensated in size; in battle, he was ferocious, but always quick to smile; blond, handsome, and bold; Loki had pitied and envied him in equal measure. There was so much he could never say.

"I suspect my brother would have been very popular here on Ossus. For whatever it's worth."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She listened intently, still at a bit of a loss, but her attention was held fast with each word he spoke. Roku. Roku and Loki. She said the two names over and over in her mind. Loki spoke succinctly, and he was - as always - to the point. But, he was also truthful with what he spoke, and his words seemed to carry as equal an amount of honesty as they did bluntness. She digested every word, mulling over in her mind the traits that Loki had mentioned. Each one seemed exactly the sort of attitude that the Jedi here espoused, and what they asked of their students and younglings. Yes, if he was as Loki said he was, then he would've fit in very well here.

She kept her eyes on the line of trees so far off, watching their tops sway gently in a wind that had grown up. From a distance, it looked like such a gentle motion. She knew however, that it was a much different appearance up close. She could see the great crashing of limbs against one another, the slapping of leaves as they collided; a tiny sound by itself, but when multiplied by thousands it was like a great swell, a wave that crashed to the sand. Below, in the valley, the wind that rocked the kingwoods so far above had only begun to manifest itself in a slight breeze. It wouldn't be long however, until the breeze became an almost unbearable wind. It'd happened often enough that she was usually the first one to find her way indoors. During the last bout of windy weather, some of the padawans had pulled out an old parachute, letting it unfurl in the gusty afternoon and being dragged about the main thoroughfare of the settlement. They had been smiling, laughing, and having such a time that the rope burns they each had inevitable gone to the infirmary for had been but a bare afterthought.

Snapping back to the present, Teagan sent a sideways look to Loki.

"What happened to him?"

[Abarai Loki]

"He was killed by a powerful warrior, a Jedi who had fallen to wickedness. He fought bravely. It was-"

A good death? Was that what he was about to say? There was a time when he truly believed that, and the words came easily, but, when he thought about the last time he saw his brother, with a stump for a leg and a smoking hole in his chest, he couldn't find anything good to say about it. Instead, he plucked his lightsaber from his hip and turned it over in his hands. Ornate symbols were etched down the length of the metal in columns. It was not aurabesh, nor was it the secret tongue of the noble houses of Alderaan, as he had been led to believe. To him, the language was as clear as day, and yet he had no idea of its origin. He ran a finger over the symbols for Teagan to see.

"Abarai Roku. And my master, our grandfather, Barabas Tosca." He gave the name a tap, and clipped the lightsaber back onto his belt, "They both died that day. This life is not without its share of sacrifice, Teagan. You understand this better than most."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

She looked down at the script that his finger ran over, as if noticing it for the first time. It was beautifully etched, the precise and intricate lines had been reverently applied. The care taken in bringing each name into its' own sense of immortality was easily apparent. She had seen her mother write once, with an old quillpen, and the reverence that had been given to such a simple action had been so immense. To permanently place on a lightsaber, the names of those closest to you... it rang true and sang a song so pure. The intent to honor those gone was not a sentiment lost to her, and while she'd yet to find her own place in this galaxy, let alone anyone to elevate to a position in her life that called for so personal an honor, she had borne witness to the action so many times.

He spoke of their deaths; it wasn't a detailed telling, but a succinct affair. It told her all that she needed to know without drawing anything out.

It was something that made her look at him in a new light. There was a similarity between them now, a standing of equal ground that she could approach him from. It was heartbreaking and hopeful all at once. The loss of his brother and grandfather touched that very same chord that had wailed in heartbreak when she'd been told her own father had died, only to be made worse by the underlying fact that what the man she had known as a loving and thoughtful parent was, was what the Jedi considered to be their most terrible of enemies.

Her eyes closed, and Teagan let out a long breath.

When she opened her eyes once more, she met his gaze. There was no pity, but a deeper understanding. Her next words weren't spoken as one showing sorrow merely on the surface, but rather it was an acknowledgement. From one person who'd had their family torn apart to another.

"I'm sorry."

[Abarai Loki]

There was a weight in her gaze that was worlds apart from the picture of youth before him. It was a feeling he knew all too well, he acknowledged it with a nod, "I'm sorry, too."

A chill wind rolled into the valley, whistling its familiar song. From behind the hills, grey clouds darkened the sky like the belly of some great Star Destroyer, closing in to unleash its terrible arsenal upon the earth. Sometimes, Ossus was a fickle bitch. Without a word, Loki and Teagan started in the direction of the dormitories. Every step in silence felt like an opportunity lost. He knew the words - they were his words; his mantra; his anchor when adrift; his light in the dark. Four simple words. And all he had to do was say them.

"Teagan, whether you choose to become a Jedi or not, the pain of loss is poison to a lonely heart. You are not alone."

[Teagan s'Ilancy]

Her thumbs hooked into the belt loops of her pants as they walked. The rolling, dark clouds above had done well to cool the valley below, and the promise of a future afternoon shower that they brought with them was welcomed. It was a chance to watch as the world around her washed away the troubles of the day. Or at least tried its' best to do so.

What Loki spoke of, and the assurance that he imparted to her, was heartening. Just hearing of his own tragedy had been enough to bolster her, and to tell her that she was not the only one who had felt such an acute and painful loss. And in that moment, she believed him. No; she was not alone. She was not the only one here on Ossus who had to bear the sting and ache that cut deeply and healed slowly. But, it did heal.

As they approached the dormitories, the young Lupine let out a long breath.

"That's good to know."

Turning her head only slightly, she gave him a tentative smile. Through the memories of her loss, and this new knowledge of his own, she felt that the best thing she could give him in return was just that; a smile. And slight though it was, it was there, and she looked at him with a new understanding.

"Thank you."

[Abarai Loki]

Over the course of their discussion, Loki had felt like an Orkellian cave slug, scrabbling about in the dark. When one avenue of approach became a dead end, he groped blindly for new words, in the hope that one of them would allow him to finally reach Teagan. Her smile was a light at the end of the tunnel, faint though it was; it was reassuring to know that all of his talking had not been in vain. His work was done. But, rather than take his leave, Loki hesiated. There was a niggling thought that lingered like a splinter under the skin. It felt like it mattered.

"One more thing."

His brow crumpled like the Gossam peaks. Around his feet, the first drops of rain speckled the soil. It was from here he had set off with Wyl Staedtler; on their journey, they talked with all the affability of a couple of ruttings stags. There had been no such hardship with his Lupine counterpart. She deserved to know the truth.

"Before he left, I asked Wyl: of all things, what was most important to him in life. He said it was you."

He offered Teagan a nod of the head, and departed.