Hey, Uh, You Can Ask Me Questions, If You Want

[Ben Merasska]

So... fire away! Uh, wait, I don't like that turn of phrase...

Shoot!

Nope.

Let me have it?

Aw, hells, just ask me some questions.

[Charley]

What does Ben think of his friends? The ones he parts ways with? He has a lot of people who care about him a lot but he's so determined to be on his own way.

[Ben Merasska]

So, let me think.

Let's start with Lyanie, right? So, she's nice. Oldest friend I got, I think. Real cheerful-like. I liked that she was so open. When she was down, she was down, and when she was up, she was up. Sure it's more complex than that, but when you got down to it, Lyanie was simple without being simple. For someone like me, feather in the wind and all, didn't know what I was, or who I was, Lyanie was a person I could want to emulate without it being like a crush or gooey. Now, though I don't know her. She's grown roots, and she might be the same Lyanie, but I'm not the same Ben Merasska, and I'm not sure I want Lyanie to get to know me as I am now.

Can't talk about Lyanie without Cirr. Wonder if they're hitched now? He was making moon-eyes at her something fierce last I saw. Cirr's a stand-up guy. But he's never been without roots of some kind. He's had his old friend, Samus, and then he lost him a while back in something I don't ask about. Cirr was independent though. His own guy. Still is, I guess, but he's Alliance through and through too, so there's that. I suppose he feels like he's looking out for me, but it's hard to look out for a guy whose number's been up for damn near ten years. I trusted him I guess, though we've never been really close. But those starkiller missiles... I suppose it's just me, but I can't reconcile using the same damn tactics as the Empire to overthrow them. The Alliance was out to save the galaxy, right? And in the end, like everything else, they took what they could get, and now act all justified because they got the ability to wipe out billions of people. Ain't as bad as the Empire, but given what happened to Alderaan... and Cirr's just unlucky I guess, because now he's the Alliance to me. A good guy, but what he's capable of scares me.

Suppose I should bring up Kiera. You know she was my third and last girl? Even now I think about her back end and I... ahem. Kiera's Corellian. Like, Corellian. She embodies what I think of when I think of Corellia. A bit ignorant of some things? Sure. But she doesn't form any judgments she won't change. Well, she didn't when I last knew her. She loved, lived, and believed the Empire was something the galaxy was better off without, because who the hell was going to tell her that she couldn't do something because they knew better? She was free, and I crushed on her hard. Couldn't have been more surprised to end up with her. Couldn't have been less surprised when it ended. She's not behind me now, but I think it'd be better if she was just a memory for me.

Ned. You know, Ned's something of a mystery to me. Too bad I'm not the curious type anymore. But when you've been through with someone what I've been through with her... I feel safer with her, though on edge a bit too, because I know sooner or later she'll either get herself killed looking out for me, or she'll realize I ain't changing for the better and move on like any sane person would. She doesn't ask questions, though she wants to. I don't feel like sharing, so I don't ask her questions. It'll be hard on her, when my luck finally runs out, and it will. But she's stronger than me, in lots of ways I don't really feel like talking about now.

Have I missed anyone? Cap'n Henning? I haven't thought of him for a while. But he's the last guy I'd felt comfortable-like with, you know? Like he knew a bit of what I was going through. He didn't ask questions I couldn't answer. And he was a right good guy. Independent, wary of the Alliance, knew the galaxy wasn't all bad, but trying to save it from itself was a proposition that just begged for trouble.

Chaz... I miss her. She surprised me real good with that confession she knew what it was like. She just dealt with it different. Have to admit, I had a bit of the moon-eyes for her for a bit after that. But she went off, did her own thing, and I went off, did mine. Would be nice to know she's all right though.

Oh shit. Mama Taa. She's be offended I didn't put her first. Truth be told, I owe her the most I owe anyone anything. But I feel like she kinda superimposed her man on me after losing him on that iceball hell of a planet. What did I do? I didn't do anything, really. I lived. Gave her some things to do, did my best to keep him alive, because that crash was supposed to kill me. She cares about me, and I care something fierce about her too. She's given me so much and what have I done with it? Jack shit. We've become a bit more distant of late, and that's a shame, but I suppose she's really like a step mother now. I'll send her a gift every now and again. Maybe a note telling her something big she could use to make more money that me an' Ned have dug up. Last time I sent her money to pay off the Albatross, she sent it back with a strongly worded letter telling me where I could put it. Made me laugh.

EDIT:

Forgot someone, and I don't know if I can forgive myself for it. When I said Kiera was my last girl, I was telling the truth, but... there was almost another. Saricia. Now she was (is?) a real lady. It was almost like she was on a different universe than me, but shared mine at the same time. We got on well enough, though I'm pretty sure that my romantic-like feelings were one-sided. She's a Jedi though. Through and through. Jedi... well, they aren't bad people. But they all - and by all I mean Saricia too - unnerve me to all the Corellian hells. Jedi are fairy-tales. And I know the galaxy's a big place, and a lot of fairy-tales end up being true to at least some extent, but... I don't know. I do know for a while she was what kept me coming back to the Wheel while I was flying the Albatross. But one time, she wasn't there. I don't rightly know where she went, and I suppose it ain't my business at all. Sometimes I wonder though.

[Saarrreeaa Raurrssaatta]

Ben, when was the last time you were happy?

edit: haha forgot who I was signed in as

[Kale]

A million credits, tax-free, is anonymously deposited in your account. Once the panic wears off, what do you do?

[Ben Merasska]

Ben, when was the last time you were happy?

...Are you asking about the regular, run of the mill happy? Or really happy, bone-deep sorta contentment?

If it's the first one, I was out in the black, flying with no one to tell me where to go, or what to do. Yesterday, heh. Contentment? Just before... before the battle of Yavin. We'd got the place all settled, and instead of sleeping in the quarters, Kiera convinced me and Lyanie and a couple others to sleep out under the stars. Kiera and I shared a sleeping bag - her hands wandered - and we stoked the fire high and Lyanie talked about Dantooine and Kiera about Corellia and I talked about Alderaan. We compared family sizes (I won). And everyone was falling asleep, I was looking at the stars, and Kiera told me that it was nice.


A million credits, tax-free, is anonymously deposited in your account. Once the panic wears off, what do you do?

Panic wouldn't wear off. But I suppose if I wanted to get rid of the money before anyone could notice it (Government or otherwise), I suppose I could use a good fifty to a hundred thousand fixin' up Alderaan. She's not at all falling apart, but she's in need of some good upgrades. Shield generators and engines and sensory arrays would be boosted. Add one of those newfangled quad turrets I can slave to the sensors in the cock pit so I can fly and shoot at the same time. Enough back up parts for the ship that we'll never have to worry. Okay, that would bring me to probably one fifty.

Pay off the Albatross completely. That would take me to about three hundred.

Pay for Cirr and Lyanie to get a vacation. I dunno, to Dac or Carshoulis or maybe even Dantooine or something. Anything they need, done.

Pay to get Shuvin's folks out of slavery. Three fifty.

Buy stock in Mama Taa's company. Companies? Whatever.

Hide the rest. Maybe if I'm stupid, buy a couple light freighters hire some crews and start my own business. Merasska Freight and Transport. Start small time, stay small time. I can't think of much else to do with it.

[Charley]

Ben kinda had moon eyes for Lyanie before she bumped into Cirr in a maintenance tube. When did he find out about that, and how did that go down?

[Ben Merasska]

Whoa whoa whoa. Moon-eyes for Lyanie?

Well, I guess maybe I had a bit of a thing for Lyanie. But it wasn't all romantic or what have you. Actually, it was kinda unfair to her, because she was the first person I saw that I remembered from my rebel days. Lacking other options...

Still, it wasn't ever a big enough thing for me to actually think about until now. Lyanie was always more of sister to me than anything else.

Well, anyway, I first noticed Cirr looking at Lyanie back during a sit down me an' her had going on. On Knightfall, with Cap'n Henning. Booze, banter, and all that. Anyhow, maybe cause Lyanie was the only pretty girl at the table (sorry Cap'n! Couldn't resist!), he kept looking at her, and stories sorta let him know that they had themselves some things in common.

After we all dispersed from Knightfall, Lyanie stuck with the Wheel, and with Cirr there, I supposed they were hitting it off. Or at least she was hitting it off with someone. I guess it's obvious, but I'm not too good with keepin' up with people. It was obvious though when Lyanie hiked aboard that ship with Cirr. I didn't really learn about that until I showed up at the Wheel looking for 'em and found out they were gone. Even then, it wasn't until Cirr started trying to tow me in without even hailing me that I saw him again. That whole frozen Nehantite Jedi thing. And Lyanie was there, and they were looking at each other.

I didn't really process it then, given that Kiera was there shootin' lasers out her eyes, but I was happy and sad at the same time. Happy cause things were moving on without me, and sad for the same reason.