Her past catches up (Open)

[Neyasha]

internal enhancements reporting: status, Partial Failure

identified variables detected....
Excess fluids located in the ocular region: uncontrollable

Overactive memory recall systems: uncontrollable

Memory systems involved in unauthorized access of other sensor organs: uncontrollable

Threat sensory systems responding sporadically when no threat is detected: uncontrollable

Internal Hormone levels at abnormal levels: uncontrollable

Other unknown variables may be present

Recommendations: Perform shut down on faulty system. Reset all systems to default. Subject should report to the lab for further....


Her modified medical scanner reports its results to her, both verbally and written on the screen, but for a change she hardly noticed any thing but the insane ramblings of the device.

Neyasha's eyes filled with tears, her pillow on her bed drenched, and her nerves at their wits end, the speaker of her Medical scanner doesn't have a chance as her dagger penetrates it, pinning it to the floor.

Her mind is flooded with the horrors of her life. The death of her husband and son being the most prominent in her mind, and for the first since her modifications as a child, she was crying, and she doesn't know how to stop. Neyasha knew that her emotion suppression systems were breaking down, but knowing the facts on what was happening did not help her ready herself for the power that she faced when the system finally failed.

Thankfully, Valora was with her ship Audrie, and was not here to see this.

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei Wu Wei was having another busy day. Today's agenda: catching up on Padawans' progress. He had just come back from the mission with Kyle, and had not seen hide nor hair of Hina. So, before he went on, he decided to check in on Neyasha.

"I've not seen her since Talzen was arrested," he said to himself.

The Jedi Knight strode up to his Padawan's door. "Hello? Is anyone home?" He said this for Valora's amusement. He had not seen her in a while either.

Wei knocked again and stood back to wait.

[Neyasha]

Neyasha hears the first knock, only moments after stabbing her Medical Scanner but does not respond, the horrors of her past, the things she had done, were finaly hitting with the force of a superlaser. Currently consumed by her greef, and regret for her actions, Neyasha remains on her bed crying.

After the second knock Neyasha snaps. She flings her remaining Dagger at the control panel for her room's comm unit, next to the door, penetrating the console and the wall behind it so that the tip of her dagger can be seen by Wei on the other side of the wall, sparking and sputtering with energy of the live wires a witch they cut.

Neyasha also calls to the door, the sound of sadness and pain in her voice, Nothing like her normal monotone emotionless sound. "GO AWAY! *Crying* I WANT TO BE ALONE!"

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei jumped back with surprise at the sight of the dagger and cringed at the sound of his Padawan's voice.

"Neyasha. What's wrong?" He called through the door.

Wei had guessed that her emotions had somehow resurfaced in her. She hadn't had any sort of experience with them in a long time. No doubt she had completely forgotten how to handle them.

"No need to throw things. Now let's talk all this out, ok? Can we talk about what's bothering you?"

[Neyasha]

Neyasha gets off her bed and starts pacing in her room. The sadness in her voice is quickly replaced with self anger, though the tone of Pain remains.

"WHAT'S WRONG! WHAT'S WRONG!! Like you really need to ask that! I've seen it in your eyes! I've seen it in everybody's eyes! I'm a freek! I'm a monster! Trying to justify my actions through logic and statistics! Obsolving myself of all guilt for my actions, just because I was given orders! Sasha is the only one that has said it to my face, That I am nothing but a heartless killer that should be shot like the animal I am! I know you all beleave it, though she only said it!"

Neyasha falls to her knees in the middle of the room balling her eyes out again, her face in her hands, Crying.

"Just go away!...*Crying*... Just leave... Or kill me... Please..."

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei shook his head. "I won't do either. Neyasha, you are not a freak. You are a person, just like me. And yes, you have done some regrettable things. But there are several here at the Order that have acted similarly to you. Here exist former Darksiders who have burned villages, stolen from people, murdered women and even children. And they did it for fun. But I know that you did not."

The Knight would have entered the room, but he was afraid to try to force the door. The sudden movements and loud noises might make Neyasha worse. So instead he risked getting right up next to it, despite being impaled through the wall like had almost happened with the lock.

"Neyasha, why are you so hard on yourself? You have been forgiven all that."

[Neyasha]

Neyasha atempts to say in her noramal tone, but fails miserably

"The consept of Fun was not programed into my memory, and Thus I had no... no... Capability to seek it."

Neyasha gets up and walks to the door, and prys it open with her hands. Tears still dripping from her face.

"You have forgiven me, because you never met me untill I came to the order! How can a person that skinned her own MOTHER ALIVE, ever be forgiven! How could a person that kill a bus load of children be forgiven, and then walk through the dead taking the head of all that lie there! How can I be forgiven! there familes will never! Why should you!"

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei shrugged. "Why not? You've shown remorse for your actions, and ever since you came to the Order you've been diligently following the path of the Jedi. You've shown remarkable change since you've arrived."

He smiled. "What's done is done. All you can do now is remember your past, accept it and move on. Would your death make anything better? If I killed you right now, would it bring any of those people back to life?"

Wei paused, staring his Padawan full in the face. "No. It wouldn't. It would make things worse, because there would be a little girl without a mother. I won't be making any orphans today."

Poor Valora. Evidently she was not around. Good thing, he thought. Valora definitely didn't need to see her mother in this state.

[Neyasha]

Neyasha gets a look of shock on her face, staggers back a few steps, and colapses to her knees again, bursting into tears again.

"Valora...*crying*.... I'm so sorry Valora! I should be with you! Not passing you off to Audrie every time I'm having troubles! I'm sorry Valora for all the pain you have gone through, just because I failed to protect you from Talzen. I'm sorry I failed you!"

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei's face became stern, but his tone was still calm. "Neyasha, you have not failed your daughter. It is good that she not be here for this. This is something that you need to work out apart from her. Now, let's begin."

It was time for the most important lesson Neyasha would ever recieve in her time as a Padawan.

"Our greatest enemies are often times not those around us, but the demons within us. Our emotions are normal. They are a part of who we are. But we cannot let them rule us. Running away with our emotions is a quick way to blaze a path to the Darkside.

Until now you have had no needed to deal with your emotions because the alterations made to you did that for you. Now you do not have the aid of those things anymore, and must learn to deal with your emotions constructively."

The teacher gently led his student back into the room and stood in the doorway.

"Thowing things," he said slowly as he pulled the sai out of the wall, "is no way to cope with grief and anger. Now, take a seat."

Wei Wu Wei pulled a hankerchief from his pocket and handed it to Neyasha. "Dry your eyes and blow your nose. Take deep, slow breaths. Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth."

[Neyasha]

Neyasha takes the hankerchier from Wei, and trys to follow Wei's instructions, but finds herself bursting out in to tears again, and again. After ten trys she does manage to stop crying, though it is clear that it would not take much to get her to start crying, or throwing things again.

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei nodded. "Very good." He gave her an encouraging smile.

"Now then. Keep breathing slow and steady."

He did the things he told her to do, being an example and working with her, rather than give the appearance that he was making her calm down.

"See there? Crying is a healthy thing, yes. But not until we are calm can we begin the long process of healing."

The teacher softened his facial expression and spoke more gently. He gave her a few more moments to get a firmer grip on herself before he began to work out her emotions to something less extreme.

[Neyasha]

Neyasha keeps trying to calm herself further, but the more she trys the more frustrated she get at the fact it is not working. After a few moments Neyasha says in an almost begging tone,

"Wouldn't it be easer if I just repaired my emotion suppression systems? With the proper equipment I could repair them in an hour."

[Wei Wu Wei]

"No. That will not be happening. Without your emotions you cannot empathize with people. Knowing how a person feels is one of the best ways to help them. How can you do that when you are not able to feel emotions yourself?"

Wei sat on the floor and motioned for Neyasha to join him on the floor. "We cannot turn our emotions on and off like a light switch, or go from one to the other like shifting gears in a speeder. All things take time to be able to deal with them effectively. And we have time right now. Take a seat."

[Neyasha]

Neyasha Sits with Wei, and says with obvous distress in her voice.

"but.... But, what if I could modify the enhancment so that at least it could act like a buffer. Make it so that... that I can still feel them, and learn to understand them without them bringing me to my knees. I...I can't deal with them like this! There.... There just to powerful!"

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei shrugged. "And here we find the first obstacle to our progress. They say success comes in 'cans' and failure comes in 'can'ts.' First of all, you can maintain self-control without these so-called enhancements. I do it, your peers do it, your husband did it, and your daughter does it. Now the real issues is, do you think you can do it?"

Wei pushed up his glasses and brushed his hair out of his eyes. "Do you think you can do it?"

[Neyasha]

"If a person is sheltered from having to walk for the most of there life, their childhood at least, that person in their later years will not be able to walk. I... I'm like that person. All of you learnd how to control yourselves emotional as a child. I have them taken from me, and thus never had to learn to deal with them."

Neyasha takes a few deep breaths, not realising that her focusing on explaining her problem to we was also calming her.

"My system did not evolve inorder to accomidate My emotions, hence why I can not control my reactions to them."

[Wei Wu Wei]

"Well then we'll just have to help it along, now won't we? I won't have any excuses from you. You are an adult yes, but clearly your mind is still a child's. Growing old is not necessarily a sign of growing up."

The reprimand was a bit sharp, but it was also true. "Now, it will take some time, but you will learn. No more excuses. You say you are sad because of all the wrongs you've committed in your past. Those events are now long past, and you are no longer the cold-blooded assassin you were. We've already decided that suicide on your part would do more hurt than harm. So, is something constructive that we can do instead? What can we do to make everybody's lives easier, including your own?"

[Neyasha]

Neyasha starts crying, shaking her head.

"I... I... I don't know! This is all too much! I don't think I can do this! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION LIKE THIS! All these extra neural impulses! I can't control them! I can't think Straight!"

As Neyasha trys to take control of her functions as she normaly would, she seems to start to panic.

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei reached out and held her still. "First of all, let's take things one at a time. Stop yelling. Remember how we breathed real slow? In through our nose and out through our mouth? Do not try to take total command of yourself all at once. Just work on one thing at a time."

The Knight's paternal instincts kicked in, and he drew her close, holding his Padawan tightly against his chest. Wei decided to give up on helping her along any further. Neyasha was still deeply upset. so he left her to taking deep slow breaths and simply let her cry on his shoulder.

[Neyasha]

Neyasha goes back to the deep breathing, and after a few moments she starts to talk.

"I can't control myself. None of it. I'm getting so many mixed messages. I don't know that ones to listen to."

Neyasha wraps her arms around Wei, hugging him.

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei paused and listened. "Yes, there are rarely any clear choices, and even less often do we find everyone saying the same thing. But, with a bit of guidance and understanding, we can figure out which voices we are to hold above the others."

He patted her back gently. "Now, my child, tell me what these voices are telling you."

[Neyasha]

"Some are telling me to run and hide, others are telling me to Kill everything, others are telling me to go to the Jail and beat on Talzen, another is telling me that everything is going wrong, another is telling me that everybody hates me. thouse are just the loudest ones, I... I can't hear the others."

[Wei Wu Wei]

"Hmm."

Wei sat rocking his Padawan and rubbing her back to soothe her. His face contorted with a look of concentration as he tried to give her something she could use. "Well, I don't hate you," he said lamely.

It was probably of little comfort that Wei did not hate Neyasha. Honestly, nothing was going wrong with Neyasha at all. She was finally functioning normally. She was feeling. Only now she had to learn to cope.

"Neyasha, do not listen to those voices. Nothing has gone wrong. Running away will not help you and neither will killing everyone. Rather these things will add to your already great distress. It's ok to cry. And it's ok to feel shame and guilt and anger and sadness."

Wei paused a moment and shifted the woman in his arms. "But there are other feelings that I would like for you to experience. Relief, hope, happiness, peace. All these things are good. We will brush with the bad feelings once in a while. Sometimes it wil be only in small portions, and other times our feelings wil be great. But remember that everything goes in circles. People are born and die, the seasons move endlessly from spring to summer to autumn to winter, and back again to spring. In order to have a hill we must also have a valley. And so it is with our feelings. Though you feel bad right now, you will feel good again."

[Neyasha]

Neyasha Hugs Wei a little tighter.

"I know you don't hate me... but I guess... I'm not sure, But With having an almost perfect memory, looking back at what I've done, I guess I hate myself."

Neyasha takes a sharp breath as she trys to get a hold of herself.

"If this is what it is like to have feeling...I....I don't want them... They hurt too much... I can't stop the pain!... Please make it stop!"

[Wei Wu Wei]

"I cannot do that, I'm afraid," he said simply.

"Pain and suffering are what makes us human, Neyasha. Without pain and suffering we cannot experience love or joy."

Wei paused and considered his Padawan's words. "Do you honestly hate yourself?"

[Neyasha]

Neyasha pushes herself away from Wei and stands up, starting to pace back and forth in the room.

"YES! how can I like what they turned me into! They turned me into an organic droid! A droid built to kill! How could I like that! I didn't ask for any of this! I didn't want ant of this! I just wanted to be a normal kid! Just as long as I was not near my father! That basturd runed my life! HE Sold HIS OWN Daughter! He sold her so they could make her into ME! but because of Him That girl is dead! though the body lives on, SHe is Dead! I am nothing more than a tool fabricated to Kill! I know I've broken free from my creators, BUT I can never escape what they did to me! What they took form me! Why Should I like myself, when I can't change what they did to me!"

[Wei Wu Wei]

"No, I suppose you can't change a lot of that. But let me ask you something. Even though you hate yourself so much, do you still want the best for yourself?"

[Neyasha]

"No! I don't care what happens to me! As far as I'm conserned I should be getting 10 times the amount of suffering that I have caused in my life time! My life is nothing to me. Nothing at all. But it is everything to Valora. And I want only what is best for her."

Neyasha sits back down on the floor.

[Wei Wu Wei]

"Maybe some day you will grow to love yourself. But even if you never do reach that point, never forget that there are people who do love you, even if you do not feel the same way about yourself."

True, she did not care about herself, but she did care enough about her daughter to continue on with life. It was possibly one of the most selfless things he had ever heard come out of Neyasha's mouth. It was a bit over the top, but the idea was right.

"Never neglect yourself while taking care of your daughter. Keep yourself fed, clothed, and get plenty of sleep. Otherwise, you will soon find that you will not be able to take care of anybody if you have not taken care of yourself."

[Neyasha]

Neyasha looks up at Wei.

"Self preservation is something that was engrained into my brain as a child. I order to complete my Mission I must keep myself alive and as healthy as I could. I only wish I knew what my current mission was. My husband gave me the Mission to deal with Talzen, Since that was completed I don't know what I am to do. My mind needs orders. It neads somebody else to assign it a task to work towards. It brought me here so I could learn to fight Sith. But I've learned so much more than that."

Neyasha looks Wei in the eyes, With a slight look of happiness sparkling in her own, and a soft expresion on her face.

"Do you remember the first day we met? I was walking into the Living quarters looking for a room. You were hanging by your feet in the corner of a the hallway, Critisizing me about my many weapons, and lack of clothing. Even though you were acting that way, you were still acting like a good friend to a stranger, and you have been a good friend to me ever since. I'm glad that you've tollerated me over all this time. You've helped me feal like a person again. and I don't think I've ever thanked you for that. So I guess This is that thank you."

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei simply smiled. "It's what I do. It's what Jedi do. Me and you, we're supposed to help people. And we do it in any way we can. Your mission, Miss Neyasha, is to do everything in your ability to help people's lives improve. You might not who to help, or how to help right now, but keep your eyes open. You'll soon see plenty of opportunities coming your way."

He stood. "It's good to see you smiling."

That meant his work here was finsihed. "Use what you've learned here to help people. Everything you've learned from me, inside and outside of class can be used every single day. See if you can find the application. Are you going to be ok?"

[Neyasha]

"I think I will be fine for now, Though I don't really know for how long. Thank you for your help, your frendship, and the mission. Youve done alot for me, and I don't really know how to thank you."

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei shrugged. "Simply use what you learn. Ok, now that things are settled here, I'm going to go tend to some other things I have to do. If you need me, come find me, ok?"

[Neyasha]

Neyasha nods to Wei.

"I will if I need your help."

[Wei Wu Wei]

"Good."

Wei gave his Padawan another hug and took his leave of her. "Why don't you go spend some time with your daughter? I'm sure Valora is itching to spend some time with her mother," he said as he headed out the door.

[Neyasha]

Neyasha Noded to her master as she went to get up and go find her daughter.