Great War Quotes

[TieFighterPilot181st]

The purpose of this thread is to post war wuotes that you find interesting, funny, moving, tragic or all of the above. War related jokes are also good too.

No bastard ever one a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his
George S. Patton

"Goddam it, you'll never get the Purple Heart hiding in a foxhole! Follow me!"
- Captain Henry P. "Jim" Crowe (Guadalcanal, January 13, 1943)

"Casualties many; Percentage of dead not known; Combat efficiency; we are winning."
- Colonel David M. Shoup (Tarawa, November 21, 1943)

"All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us... they can't get away this time."
- Lieutenant General Lewis B."Chesty" Puller (when surrounded by 8 enemy divisions)

"There is one great thing that you men will all be able to say after this war is over and you are home once again. You may be thankful that twenty years from now when you are sitting by the fireplace with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what you did in the great World War II, you WON'T have to cough, shift him to the other knee and say, "Well, your Granddaddy shoveled shit in Louisiana." No, Sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say, "Son, your Granddaddy rode with the Great Third Army and a Son-of-a-Goddamned-Bitch named Georgie Patton!"
- General George S. Patton, Jr (addressing to his troops before Operation Overlord, June 5, 1944)

"Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few."
- Prime Minister Winston Churchill (about the Royal Air Force)

"We shall defend our island whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. We shall never surrender and even if, which I do not for the moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, will carry on the struggle until in God's good time the New World with all its power and might, sets forth to the liberation and rescue of the Old."
- Prime Minister Winston Churchill (after the fall of France)

"I like a man who grins when he fights."
- Prime Minister Winston Churchill

When another Marine dies to St. Peter will tell, one marine reporting for duty sir, I've served my time in hell
USMC during World War II

[Christopher Munro]

"Today the guns are silent; a great tragedy has ended. We have felt the bitterness of defeat, and the exhultation of triumph, and from both we have learned there can be no going back. We must move forward, to preserve in peace what we have won in war."


Sort of an "end of the war" quote. Dunno who said it originally, but Admiral Ross said it in the series Finale on Deep Space Nine.

[Jacen Parami]

Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges.

- "In war, the rules fall silent." Its a DS9 ep title, in Latin. It also sounds cool. :D

[Travis North]

"If your helmet deflects a bullet don't take it off to look at the mark." - Me upon watching Saving Private Ryan: Beach Scene

"If your get shot at. Shoot back." - Me again playing JKA

"Piss in your hanky men and cover your face with it." - Some Canadian CO when gas was used in the trenches.

[Tear]

...At a prewar diplomatic conference, the Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop "sniffed" to Eden and Churchill that if there was another war, the Italians would be on Germany's side!
To which Churchill supposedly replied: "that seems only fair, we had them last time!"...


Pearl Harbour Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"
.... Said to be one of the last radio transmissions received from the Marines on Wake Island before it fell to the Japanese, 1941.

[Lion El' Jonson]

"We're not retreating, men...we're advancing in the other direction."
~Anonymous~

"When presented with an opportunity like this, men, there are only two choices: to die fleeing, or to die fighting. I don't know about you, but I'd sure as hell prefer to not die looking like a Frenchman."
~Anonymous~

"If shrapnel is stuck in your body, remove it with your hands. If you do not have any hands, use your teeth."
~An excerpt taken from a standard-issue field dressing guide, with the last sentence added by its owner~

"The best tank terrain is that without anti-tank weapons."
~Russian military doctrine~

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
~Albert Einstein~

When told that many of his forces had been surrounded, General Patton replied "Excellent. We can attack in any direction."
~General George Patton, 3rd Army~

[TieFighterPilot181st]

Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without an accordian. All you're doing is leaving a bunch of noisy useless garbage behind.
-anonymous-

"Why do the French have trees on the side of their roads? Because the Germans like to march in the shade"
-anonymous-

"How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris. No one knows, its never been tried."

"Why is it good to be French. Because you can surrender at the beginning of the war and the US will win it for you."
-anonymous-

Field Marshal Erwin Rommel tells Herman Goering that the British re slaughtering his tanks in the desert with American made 40mm aircraft cannon shells. Goering replies, "Nonsense the only things Americans can make are refrigerators and razor blades."
Rommel replies, "Well we could do with some of those razor blades."

"Hold on boys we're luring them into 40mm range."
crewman aboard a escort carrier in the Pacific when his force of 6 carriers and 4 destroyer escorts is under attack from many Japanese cruisers and battleships.

"An army is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights as a team.
This individuality stuff is a bunch of bullshit."
- General George Patton Jr

"Infantry must move forward to close with the enemy. It must shoot in order to move…. To halt under fire is folly. To halt under fire and not fire back is suicide. Officers must set the example"
- General George Patton Jr

Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way.
- General George Patton Jr

May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won't.
- General George Patton

"You're never beaten until you admit it."
- General George S. Patton, Jr

"Fixed fortifications are monuments to the stupidity of man."
- General George Patton Jr

"Nuts"
General McAullifle' reply to the German call for surrender when the 101st was completely surrounded in Bastogne

[Jyanis Scorpion]

"Why four great powers should fight over Serbia no fellow can understand."
- John Burns, working class member of Britain's Liberal government, July 27, 1914

"My center gives way, my right is pushed back, situation excellent, I am attacking."
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch, French Army, he supposedly said this during the Battle of the Marne

"What our sword has won in half a year our sword must guard for half a century."
- Field Marshal Helmuth von Moltke, commander German Army, after the German Victory in the 1870 Franco-Prussian War. (In looking at the causes of a war one generally goes back to the previous war.)

"A generation that has taken a beating is always followed by a generation that deals one."
- Prince Otto von Bismarck, German Chancellor, 1870

"I am fed up with war and the clamor for war and with the perennial armaments. It is high time that the great nations calmed down again and occupied themselves with peaceful pursuits, or there will be an explosion which no one desires and which will be to the detriment of all."
- German Chancellor Theobald von Bethmann-Hollweg, June 1913

"The Canadians played a part of such distinction that thenceforward they were marked out as storm troops; for the remainder of the way they were brought along to head the assault in one great battle after another. Whenever the Germans found the Canadian Corps coming into the line they prepared for the worst."
- former British Prime Minister David Lloyd George

"The politicians, who once stated that war was too complex to be left to the generals, now act as though peace were too complex to be left to themselves."
- Pierre Trudeau, former Canadian prime minister






Just a Common Soldier
by A. Lawrence Vaincourt
(from his 1991 book: Rhymes and Reflections)

He was getting old and paunchy and his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion, telling stories of the past,
Of a war that he had fought in and the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies; they were heroes, every one.

And tho' sometimes, to his neighbors, his tales became a joke,
All his Legion buddies listened, for they knew whereof he spoke.
But we'll hear his tales no longer for old Bill has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer, for a soldier died today.

He will not be mourned by many, just his children and his wife,
For he lived an ordinary and quite uneventful life.
Held a job and raised a family, quietly going his own way,
And the world won't note his passing, though a soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth, their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing and proclaim that they were great.
Papers tell their whole life stories, from the time that they were young,
But the passing of a soldier goes unnoticed and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution to the welfare of our land
A guy who breaks his promises and cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow who, in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his Country and offers up his life?

A politician's stipend and the style in which he lives
Are sometimes disproportionate to the service that he gives.
While the ordinary soldier, who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal and perhaps, a pension small.

It's so easy to forget them for it was so long ago
That the old Bills of our Country went to battle, but we know
It was not the politicians, with their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom that our Country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger, with your enemies at hand,
Would you want a politician with his ever-shifting stand?
Or would you prefer a soldier, who has sworn to defend
His home, his kin and Country and would fight until the end?

He was just a common soldier and his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us we may need his like again.
For when countries are in conflict, then we find the soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles that the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor while he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage at the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simple headline in a paper that would say,
Our Country is in mourning, for a soldier died today.

[Alex]

Bloody yanks - always showing up late for every war.
- Fowler, Chicken Run

[TieFighterPilot181st]

"One good hard kick and the whole rotten mess will come down."
-Adolf Hitler speaking of the USSR prior to the Nazi invasion-

and then of course one of Star Wars greatest quotes
"Its a trap."
-Admiral Ackbar at the Battle of Endor-

[Marcus Telcontar]

Mum and Dad and Denny saw the passing out parade at Puckapunyal
(1t was long march from cadets).
The sixth battalion was the next to tour and It was me who drew the card.
We did Canungra and Shoalwater before we left.

Chorus I:
And Townsville lined the footpath as we marched down to the quay.
This clipping from the paper shows us young and strong and clean.
And there's me in my slouch hat with my SLR and greens.
God help me, I was only nineteen.

From Vung Tau riding Chinooks to the dust at Nui Dat,
I'd been in and out of choppers now for months.
But we made our tents a home. V.B. and pinups on the lockers,
And an Asian orange sunset through the scrub.

Chorus 2:
And can you tell me, doctor, why I still can't get to sleep?
And night time's just a jungle dark and a barking M.16?
And what's this rash that comes and goes, can you tell me what it means?
God help me, I was only nineteen.

A four week operation, when each step can mean your last one
On two legs: it was a war within yourself.
But you wouldn't let your mates down 'til they had you dusted off,
So you closed your eyes and thought about something else.

Chorus 3:
Then someone yelled out "Contact"', and the bloke behind me swore.
We hooked in there for hours, then a God almighty roar.
Frankie kicked a mine the day that mankind kicked the moon.
God help me, he was going home in June.

1 can still see Frankie, drinking tinnies in the Grand Hotel
On a thirty-six hour rec. leave in Vung Tau.
And I can still hear Frankie, lying screaming in the jungle.
'Till the morphine came and killed the bloody row

Chorus 4:
And the Anzac legends didn't mention mud and blood and tears.
And stories that my father told me never seemed quite real
I caught some pieces In my back that I didn't even feel.
God help me, I was only nineteen.

Chorus 5:
And can you tell me, doctor, why I still can't get to sleep?
And why the Channel Seven chopper chills me to my feet?
And what's this rash that comes and goes, can you tell me what it means?
God help me, I was only nineteen.




Now when I was a young man I carried me pack
And I lived the free life of the rover.
From the Murray's green basin to the dusty outback,
Well, I waltzed my Matilda all over.
Then in 1915, my country said, "Son,
It's time you stop ramblin', there's work to be done."
So they gave me a tin hat, and they gave me a gun,
And they marched me away to the war.

And the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As the ship pulled away from the quay,
And amidst all the cheers, the flag waving, and tears,
We sailed off for Gallipoli.

And how well I remember that terrible day,
How our blood stained the sand and the water;
And of how in that hell that they call Suvla Bay
We were butchered like lambs at the slaughter.
Johnny Turk, he was waitin', he primed himself well;
He showered us with bullets, and he rained us with shell --
And in five minutes flat, he'd blown us all to hell,
Nearly blew us right back to Australia.

But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
When we stopped to bury our slain,
Well, we buried ours, and the Turks buried theirs,
Then we started all over again.

And those that were left, well, we tried to survive
In that mad world of blood, death and fire.
And for ten weary weeks I kept myself alive
Though around me the corpses piled higher.
Then a big Turkish shell knocked me arse over head,
And when I woke up in me hospital bed
And saw what it had done, well, I wished I was dead --
Never knew there was worse things than dying.

For I'll go no more "Waltzing Matilda,"
All around the green bush far and free --
To hump tents and pegs, a man needs both legs,
No more "Waltzing Matilda" for me.

So they gathered the crippled, the wounded, the maimed,
And they shipped us back home to Australia.
The armless, the legless, the blind, the insane,
Those proud wounded heroes of Suvla.
And as our ship sailed into Circular Quay,
I looked at the place where me legs used to be,
And thanked Christ there was nobody waiting for me,
To grieve, to mourn and to pity.

But the band played "Waltzing Matilda,"
As they carried us down the gangway,
But nobody cheered, they just stood and stared,
Then they turned all their faces away.

And so now every April, I sit on my porch
And I watch the parade pass before me.
And I see my old comrades, how proudly they march,
Reviving old dreams of past glory,
And the old men march slowly, all bones stiff and sore,
They're tired old heroes from a forgotten war
And the young people ask "What are they marching for?"
And I ask meself the same question.

But the band plays "Waltzing Matilda,"
And the old men still answer the call,
But as year follows year, more old men disappear
Someday, no one will march there at all.

Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda.
Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda with me?
And their ghosts may be heard as they march by the billabong,
Who'll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me?

[TieFighterPilot181st]

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris
under a German flag."
--- David Letterman

Don't fire until you can see the whites of their eyes. - Major Devereux (the battle of Wake Island, 1941)

Among the men who fought on Iwo Jima, uncommon valor was a common virtue. - Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz (March 16, 1945)

[Kieran Devaneaux]

"The grim fact is that we prepare for war like precocious giants, and for peace like retarded pygmies."
-Canadian Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson


"As much as Canadians would like to ignore the fact, the role of a soldier is to kill as efficiently as possible with the resources available once he is ordered to do so by his government. There are many sidelines to his profession that make us all warm and fuzzy...But they are all subordinate to one overriding responsibility, and that is to kill on demand."
-Major General Lewis MacKenzie (Ret.), Canadian Army

[Travis North]

"I bent my Wookie." - Ralph, the Simpsons

"For every TIE fighter you shoot down, a thousand more will take its place." - Baron Soontir Fel

"Your generic TIE grunt is just plain suicidal. And the TIE defender jockey is bloodthirsty. But the TIE interceptor pilot, he's suicidal and bloodthirsty. When you see a squad of those maniacs flying your way, you'd better hope your hyperdrive is operational." - Kyle Katarn

"Imperial High Command decided that defender pilots would only be selected from TIE interceptor pilots who had flow at least twenty combat missions and survived. We're either the best pilots in the Imperial Fleet or the luckiest." - Rexler Brath

[Christopher Munro]

"Shooting out ground troops in a Starfighter is like shaving with a lightsaber. Sure, it'll do the job, but if you aren't careful, you'll have a nasty mess to clean up by the end."
- Me (Based on a Wedge Antilles quote, which I mis-remembered ages ago)

"You have attacked a friendly craft!"
- Emkay, X-Wing Alliance (speaking to me...on a regular basis. :D)

"This may not look real to you on paper, but they are pure evil. If given the chance, they would destroy us, or enslave us all." (or something along those lines)
- Daniel Jackson, speaking about the Goa'uld (SG-1, Lost City)

"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll catch his own. Give a man a grenade, and he'll get it done faster."
- Dr Sczewyk (my Chemistry teacher).

[Travis North]

"On the ground, in the air, war is never fair." - Me

"Beans, beans, beans. Bueautif beans, wonderful beans, magical beans. Beans, beans, beans. Nothing but beans." Jerry Lewis singing "The Navy Gets the Gravy But the Army Gets the Beans." in the movie At War With the Army

[TieFighterPilot181st]

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
--Sir Winston Churchill

What's the use of sending a $2 million missile into a $10 tent to hit a camel in the butt?
--George W. Bush

General Douglas MacArthur
It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it.

Kosovar
You know the real meaning of PEACE only if you have been through the war.

"If men make war in slavish obedience to rules, they will fail."
- Ulysses S. Grant

Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men.
- General George Patton Jr

"If the Americans come, they will fight the Mother of all Battles and we shall prevail."
Saddam Hussein 1990 before Desert Storm


"Semper Fidelis"
(Always Faithful)"
US Marines

"Take me to the Brig. I want to see the "real Marines". "
Major General Chesty Puller, USMC - while on a Battalion inspection.

US Military Code of Conduct
Article I

I am an American, fighting in the forces which guard my country and our way of life. I am prepared to give my life in their defense.

Article II

I will never surrender of my own free will. If in command, I will never surrender the members of my command while they still have the means to resist.

Article III

If I am captured I will continue to resist by all means available. I will make every effort to escape and to aid others to escape. I will accept neither parole nor special favors from the enemy.

Article IV

If I become a prisoner of war, I will keep faith with my fellow prisoners. I will give no information or take part in any action which might be harmful to my comrades. If I am senior, I will take command. If not, I will obey the lawful orders of those appointed over me and will back them up in every way.

Article V

When questioned, should I become a prisoner of war, I am required to give name, rank, service number, and date of birth. I will evade answering further questions to the utmost of my ability. I will make no oral or written statements disloyal to my country and its allies or harmful to their cause.

Article VI

I will never forget that I am an American, fighting for freedom, responsible for my actions, and dedicated to the principles which made my country free. I will trust in my God and in the United States of America.

"I never knew what to do with a paper except to put it in a side pocket or
pass it to a clerk who understood it better than I did"
- General Ulysses S. Grant, about paperwork and administration

As far as Saddam Hussein being a great military strategist, he is neither a
strategist, nor is he schooled in the operational art, nor is he a
tactician, nor is he a general, nor is he a soldier. Other than that he's a
great military man-I want you to know that."
-General H. Norman Schwarzkopf 1991

"In war there is no second prize for the runner-up."
-General Omar N. Bradley ,U.S. Army, 1950

"A piece of paper makes you an officer, a radio makes you a commander."
- General Omar N. Bradley

"The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis."
- from a post-war debriefing of a German General

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for
- Unknown

"The Iraqi forces are conducting the Mother of all Retreats."
Dick Cheney
February 27, 1991

"We have crushed the whole force which dared to venture there. They were on the runway at Saddam International Airport. That force was crushed"
Iraqi Information Minister, as US tanks are seen moving around the airport in the background

"Come on you sons of bitches! Do you want to live forever?"
Gunnery Sergeant Dan Daly, 4 june 1918

I have not yet begun to fight."
- Captain John Paul Jones (aboard the Bon Homme Richard)

[Telan Desaria]

" The only difference between bravery and insanity is a matter of perspective."
- My Grandfather, Generalleutnant Kurt von Chill
Commanding Officer against the Canadians in the Low Countries

" Moderation in war is imecility."
- Admiral Lord Sir John Fischer

" To have good soldiers, a nation must always be at war. To have great soldiers, I nation must always be victorious."
- Napolean Bonaparte, Emperor of France

" We have War when at least one of the parties to a conflict wants something more than it wants Peace."
- Jeane J. Kirkpatrick

" War is the usual condition of Europe."
- General A.G.K. Kuropatkin, Before the Battle of Mukden, 1905

" War is...a trinity of violence, chance, and reason."
- General von Clausewitz, Chief of the General Staff

" Without war, there can be no shape or appreciation of peace."
- Baron M. F. W. von Meillen during his speach upon graduation form the Fahenjunkerschule***

" When the Americans came through, my city was raped, pillaged, and plundered. Only when the British came was order restored. No one their anthem is Rule Britannia the the former is the latter's drinking song!"
- Baroness Helen Elizabet Wilhelmina von Grookett, 1945 - the Occupation of Saarbruchen(((

***This is me***

((( - my Grandmother (Oma)

[Telan Desaria]

Why are the streets in Paris lined with trees?
- Because we Germans like to march in the shade

A Polish soldier is in the woods. To his left, a screaming German Soldat, Mauser in hand. To his right, a charging Russian nrodniyu, AK-47 blazing. Who does he shoot first?
- The German - business before pleasure

How did the Germans conquer Poland?
- We marched in backwards and they thought we were retreating.

Why are the wheel-bases on German Army trucks so high?
- So the snow won't stop us next time.

[TieFighterPilot181st]

The last time the French asked for "more proof" it came marching into Paris under the German flag.

What does the Maginot Line translate into in english: speed bump.

2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.


In wartime truth is so precious that she should always be attended to by a bodyguard of lies
-Winston Churchill-


"I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant, and fill him with a terrible resolve"
Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto

[Travis North]

S'Il's Comic (http://dotnet.sw-fans.net/archdisp.php?id=12). Just 'cause.

Belgium- The English's trip wire, and France's back door.
- I just made that up. It holds truth though.

"There was a War? Well I guess we must have been to stoned to see it." - Some Comic's impression of 'Forrest Drunk'.

[TieFighterPilot181st]

Here's some funny military related stuff i found on the 'net.

1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When they're ready.
b. When you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
116. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
117. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
118. Mine fields are not neutral.
119. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
120. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
121. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
122. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.
123. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.
124. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
125. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
126. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
127. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
128. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring,
he has fallen back too far.
129. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
130. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.
131. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
132. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
133. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't.
134. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
135. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
136. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
137 When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be to long
138 Smart bombs have bad days too.
139 Uncrating and assembly instructions are always inside the crate.
140 If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict.
141 If you enter the CO's Presence with an idea, you will leave his Presence with the CO's idea.


The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building".
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.


We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.

If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding.

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.

If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.

If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified

If you are interested in joining the U S Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Army!

[TieFighterPilot181st]

Dear China,

We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.

We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan...since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's.

We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.)

In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan.

Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon.

Sincerely,

The People of the United States of America


One of the serious problems in planning the fight against American doctrine, is that the Americans do not read their manuals, nor do they feel any obligation to follow their doctrine...
- From a Soviet Junior Lt's Notebook

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing"
- Edmund Burke (1729-1797), British statesman and philosopher

"Veni, vidi, vici."
(I came, I saw, I conquered)
- Julius Caesar, Roman emperor (100BC-44BC)

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR
COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Teleran Balades]

"If you kill one man, you're a murderer. If you kill 10, men you're a monstor. If you kill 100, men you're a hero. If you kill 1000 men, you're a conqueror."

- I don't remember


I think this perfectly depicts the human race's hypocritical outlook on death/war.