Judge it (RL)

[spada]

Hey I made a poem and want people's opinions;

My Fear
My jaw is locked,
My face is red,
My brain is fried
Enough said.

Its the feeling you give me,
Whenever you glance,
My heart skips a beat,
I'm stuck in a trance.

My heart says 'go talk'
My mind says 'dont risk it'
This tug of war game
I cant seem to fix it.

Its the feeling you give me,
Whenever you glance,
My heart skips a beat,
I'm stuck in a trance.

[Dan the Man]

I need some context to judge this.

Are you wanting to compare it to Robert Frost, or "There once was a woman from Nantucket"?

Also, how old are you?

[spada]

well im 15 and just wrote this about someone i like.

[Dan the Man]

I see.

Well its pretty average I guess.

[imported_Ambrose Braeden]

I think that it is pretty good for a 15 year old. No offense to anyone.

[spada]

i added another verse;

I want to be near you,
Want you to see
How much that you mean,
You mean so much to me.

[Mu Satach]

If you're going for a structured poem form you've got a good begining you can develop into a nice couplet (http://www.uni.edu/~gotera/CraftOfPoetry/couplet.html).

Try reading it out loud several times to yourself so you can hear the words and the rhythm they make, sometimes you can start hearing other words that can develop into a nice rhythm you can play with...

Here's a couplet I like:

Interview by Dorothy Parker

The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints.
So far, I have had no complaints.

[Loki Ahmrah]

The best piece of advice I can offer is forget about trying to make your poetry rhyme. This will help you focus on more important aspects of poetry like content, colour and depth; think outside the box and write onto the paper whatever comes into your head first then make something of it.

Rhyming poetry is overrated anyway.* So far it's average.

Edit: *Unless there is content. Go read the Songs of Innocence and of Experience by William Blake. It's the finest poetry I've ever read.

[imported_Marcus]

Meh, I hate poetry, full stop. Something between eyes and brain makes a poem look like a dictonary put through a blender. Cant write em, cant understand them.

[Razielle Shadana]

I'm a big softie for Byron. He tended to rhyme, so I'll give you a better than average rank. ;) For a first try anyways.

My personal fav: She walks in Beauty
Lord George Gordon Byron





-swoon-

[Figrin D'an]

Originally posted by Loki Ahmrah
The best piece of advice I can offer is forget about trying to make your poetry rhyme. This will help you focus on more important aspects of poetry like content, colour and depth; think outside the box and write onto the paper whatever comes into your head first then make something of it.

Rhyming poetry is overrated anyway.




Agreed. Get your thoughts on paper first. Do a stream of consciousness thing if you have to. Then mold it into something more structured. The biggest problem I used to have when writing poetry for a school assignment or the like was that I worried too much about the conventions of formal poetry and not enough about what I actually wanted to say. If some wordsmithing means that you lose the rhyming scheme, but it gives the work more body and improves how the message is conveyed, do it. It'll be worth it.

[Threepio]

I really don't think the poem is all that bad, Master Spada, but then, no one ever wants a droid's opinion.

It brings to mind the ancient love ballads of the early Mon Calamari, full of emotion and also feeling.