Self-Destruction...(1 Darksider and Open)

[Quay'Na Rakai]

IT'S A SIN



When I look back upon my life
It's always with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin
Everything I've ever done
Everything I ever do
Every place I've ever been
Everywhere I'm going to
It's a sin

At school they taught me how to be
So pure in thought and word and deed
They didn't quite succeed
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a sin
It's a sin

Father, forgive me, I tried not to do it
Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
Whatever you taught me, I didn't believe it
Father, you fought me, 'cause I didn't care
And I still don't understand

So I look back upon my life
Forever with a sense of shame
I've always been the one to blame
For everything I long to do
No matter when or where or who
Has one thing in common, too

It’s a sin...


It seemed to Quay'Na Rakai her path had become quite wayward. She never regretted leaving the GJO or becoming a Padawan under the Lost Master, Marcus Elessar.

She was free to pretty much do as she chose and her training sessions had slowed down a bit, since little Arwen came into the picture.

But, that was more than alright for the young Padawan, especially since she was four and a half month pregnant. Things were pretty much out in the open now, everyone around her knew of her condition. She wasn't hiding it anymore.

The only thing she didn't discuss was the father, he was gone and out of her life for good. Brent Yagher rated everything from a jerk to a frelling bastitch to Quay. That was all that would ever be said.

This particular morning, she decided to help out at Dexter's, near her master if she needed her and lending a helping hand.

"More coffee, Sir?" She asked with a smile.

"Sure, Miss." The older spacer smiled back and gave her his cup.

Quay poured the coffee and took his order. She hung the order on one of Dexter's order clips and heard the front door chime, signalling a new customer. She turned to see Cordell Le'Kray, her dad step up to the counter.

"Hey, Dad." Quay greeted him with a smile.

"Order up, Quay!" Dexter's voice bellowed from the kitchen.

"Be right back." She told him as she went to get the order and delivered it. When she returned, she poured him some coffee and noticed some mail in his hand. "If those are all bills, I don't want them."

"Well, one here isn't. But, I think you really should look at it." Cordell nodded and handed it to her. "It's on the top."

Quay'Na took the pile and looked at it. "Dad, I told you I don't want anything from him...he's a..." She stopped herself.

"Quay, I don't know what happened between you and Brent. But, people do change and maybe that is what he wants to do. He is the father of your child, you should at least see what he has to say."

"As far as I'm concerned, this child doesn't have a father. Just a donor and besides that, I don't really want to know what he has to say. I'm sure it's nothing good. I'm just thanking God, he doesn't know I'm working here."

"I wouldn't tell him that." Cordell nodded.

"Good," Quay looked pleased. "Now, what can I get for you?"

"Same as always."

"Alright, one Dex Special coming up." She grabbed her mail and walked back into the kitchen, her two sabre's hidden beneath the apron she was wearing. "My dad wants your Dex Special." She told the huge cook at the grill.

"Coming up, Quay." Dexter smiled.

The Padawan placed the mail on the counter to take upstairs later, but the top letter caught her eye again. Visions of the night she conceived this child tore at her mind. She gasped slightly and leaned against the wall for support. Regaining her sight, she looked over at Dex, he hadn't noticed a thing.

Quay'Na grabbed the letter and went into the fresher. She stood there for a few moments, wondering what he could possibly have to say after that horrible night. Yeah, he had too much to drink, but he knew what he was doing even if it had been a joke. He drugged her drink and refused to take no for an answer.

With a deep breath, she opened it and read it:

Quay’Na,

It’s been too long since I’ve shared myself with you...a whole lifetime has passed you by and you never even knew it. I guess, we just want different things in life and we have different goals.

Looking back, I still can’t believe I was granted those few hours alone with you. It was like nothing else mattered, the world was ours for those few moments together.

I think parts of my heart have already set up defenses against you, so I won’t let you in. I do care for you, but I believe one can only love with ALL their heart and not just some of it...

I'm sure I will be able to love someone whole-heartedly. But a battered heart makes a poor conductor of this feeling... it is until I am completely healed that the word love could even be credible and possible to say... for maybe someone I’m still journeying to meet...

Brent

Quay stared at this. Her heart pounding, but not of losing someone, it pounded in anger and dismay!!

"How dare you! You bastitch!" She crumpled up the letter and ripped off her apron. She had to leave, right now! She had to get out of here! Quay wanted to destroy something and she didn't care what, but not here. The Padawan tore out of the 'fresher and out the back door, not realizing she dropped the letter in the process.

Quay'Na's anger was finally being released and she was on a rampage.

[Choir Aztaroth]

On leave now wasn't the same as free time had been, not by a long shot. Then, as now, it had been a choice, but the restrictions had entered a whole new level.

For example. Then, the only restrictions she had had were (a) her foster parents' curfew, and (b) available cash. For the last month, however, these had been supplanted by a curse of obedience and by her revenge.

Namely, pregnancy.

The mentalist was sixteen years old - very, very young to have her particular abilities. Most, or so she'd heard, spent a long time developing mental discipline to the point where they could bridge minds through the Force. As a more or less intentional side effect of her curse, she could achieve basic mentalic feats with a fraction of that discipline. It gave her one more thing to deal with.

Sometimes she wondered if Olra'en had meant that more as an asset to his brother, or as a spiteful inconvenience to her. Had Choir Aztaroth been given the choice, she would have asked - no, demanded - tangible powers. Telekinesis, or energy channeling. Even enhanced skill with a lightsaber. All right, so he had given her the step-up. That was practically useless.

So she could invade dreams, and influence weak minds, and cause physical pain psychologically, and defend her own psyche against influence or direct onslaught. That was effectively nothing, not even against weaklings like Master Baracc or his other apprentices.

CURSE HIM!!!

Choir approached a small diner. Her stomach was rumbling; some ribenes, maybe, would go down well. Yes...

The albino Zeltron opened the door and automatically scanned the premesis. No-one offered an immediate threat, or a promise of any fun, so she simply took a seat. She meant to order, but somehow or other it slipped her mind and several long moments elapsed before she remembered and approached the serving window.

"Ehh...have you any ribenes?" Her voice was heavily accented - Francais being her native tongue - but comprehensible.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na didn't make it any further than the end of the alley and stopped. She took in a deep breath and let it out. This was exactly what Brent had wanted. He wanted to upset her, to tick her off and she had let him.

She shook her head. "Not this time, Brent. But, you will pay for this one day, I guarentee it."

Quay turned and made her way back to the diner and walked back in the back door.

Dex looked at her when she returned. "I thought you were taking off for good."

She shook her head and walked over the sink and washed her hands. "No, I just...needed some air. Sorry."

"Your father's order is almost ready and I believe another customer has arrived."

"Thanks," she told him and put on a new apron and headed towards the dining room.

"Oh, Quay, you may want to put this away. I didn't read it, but I know it's what upset you." He threw her the crumpled up letter. "If that boy comes around here...let's just hope he doesn't." Dex bellowed a laugh and gave her a wink.

Quay couldn't help but smile. Dex was like family to her now and she knew deep down he aways would be.

The Lost Padawan grabbed a menu and met the young girl at the order station. "Ribenes?" Quay didn't quite understand what she was a trying to order. "Ribs? We have Barbequed Bantha ribs." She offered and showed her a menu.

[Choir Aztaroth]

"Ehh...it iz close. I will take them, with the tomo-spice if you have it. How much owe I you?"

Practiced eyes had noted the minute deformations in the apron; this 'waitress' was armed. Choir felt for Conflagration's antique hilt through the fabric of her padded coat, masking the motion by pulling the garment tighter, something she'd meant to do anyways - Coruscant was colder than Varunda Nine. As a Varundana native, she was used to a slightly rougher side of life than could be expected on most civilized worlds, and a month as part of Alghieri's organization hadn't helped that in the slightest. There was no harm in being cautious.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Umm, I believe we have tomo-spice." Quay looked at the menu. "It's four credits and would you like a drink with that? I can bring it to your table." She answered with a light smile.

The Padawan sensed something familiar about this girl.

[Choir Aztaroth]

"I will - ehh, I would like this. Merci."

Choir bowed her head slightly and passed four small coins across the counter. Each had a worth slightly above that of a standard Republic cred; she hoped that would stave off any inconveniences that might result from the less-common currency.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Good selection. I'll go get your drink, go ahead and have a seat."

Quay wrote down the order and clipped it up. "Order of Bantha ribs, Dex."

"Getting it, Quay." Came the answer.

On her way to the young girls table, it came to her. She was pregnant, she could feel it through the Force.

"Here ya go, from one mother to another." Quay'Na smiled and pressed her hand against her abdomen, clearly able to see a bulge. She sat the girls drink down. "I hope you don't mind, I felt it through the Force. You're not from around here, are you?"

[Choir Aztaroth]

"I am on lev. Mat-urrr-nitty lev. Home is far."

Choir cocked her head.

"You Forcewielder? Jedi?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I'm a Forcewielder, yes. But, I quit the GJO a while back, I can't seem to live by their rules. And not that I really want too anymore. I have a better life on the outside and I prefer it that way. What about you? You're obviously a user of the Force, where do you stand in the realm of things, if you don't mind me asking."

[Choir Aztaroth]

"Darksider," she replied, matter-of-fact, taking a sip of her drink. "I am a Darksider. I kill things. I'm part of a gang.

"And I am cursed."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I see," Quay nodded. "Don't worry, it doesn't matter to me if you are a Darksider. I am actually pretty good friends with one as long as he doesn't try to kill me and I don't try to kill him, we're happy." Quay was getting off the subject.

"Why is it that you're cursed?"

[Choir Aztaroth]

Choir smiled mirthlessly, the expression twisting her sixteen-year-old features in a manner quite unpleasent.

"I tried to use a Sith Knight's brother as a hostage against a gangster. Not the brightest move ever, n'est-ce pas?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"N'est-ce pas? I'm sorry, I don't understand. But, I can see where that might land some trouble. I take it, that this Sith Knight isn't happy, is he hunting you?"

[Choir Aztaroth]

"He doesn't need to." Choir slurped back the remainder of the drink. "He cursed me.

"I have to obey him and the gangster, un-cawn-disshonalley. Unconditionally. It's in my mind now."

One hand slipped down the seam of the jacket to her stomach.

"The baby is my revenge, yes?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Did they force this? Quay couldn't take her eyes off the young girl, she was so young.

Her own mind went back to Brent and the drugging and how he forced himself on her. Quay shook her head. "I'm so sorry. You should never have to go through something like that."

[Choir Aztaroth]

"I, ah..." Choir's eyes were wide. "I use grammar wrong? Ehh...the baby is my revenge. Yes, that is how it should be. The baby is my revenge. They made me give up free agency, eh...self control, self motivation. Freedom, yes. Freedom of choice.

"So I picked this as a retaliation. When the Sith was asleep, he was not the great mentalist. I was, and he think it was a dream, yes?" She smiled wolfishly. "He find out who was better at taking freedom of choice in eight months, yes?

"I love my baby, but my baby is also a weapon."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay nodded and smiled. "You are gutsy, I must hand you that. I'm sure in eight months your child will give them something to think about, young one. I'm Quay, by the way and..."

"Quay orders up!!" A loud voice boomed from the kitchen.

The Padawan winced. "Be right back." She stood and hurriedly got her dad's order and gave him some more coffee with it.

"Found a new friend?" He asked.

"Possibly, I'm always on the lookout for new friends, you know me." She smiled and quickly did another round of coffee and drinks.

"Ribs up!"

"Excellent!" Quay smiled as she grabbed the young girls order and made her way back to the table. "Here ya go." She said as she sat the order in front of her and gave her the bottle of tomo-spice.

Quay'Na took a seat across from her. "As I said earlier, my name is Quay and if you ever want to talk I'd be more than happy to give you my comm number." She offered.

[Choir Aztaroth]

"Thank you, Quay."

That was as far as courtesy went. Choir was suddenly very, very hungry, and the ribs looked great. A few minutes later, the plate was empty, and a very satiated young Darksider was wiping her lips with a serviette.

Now that dinner was over and done with, she had other matters to deal with. Casting about for Quay's Force signature, Choir bridged their minds and spoke telepathically, using images and emotions to supplement her insufficient Basic. However piecemeal, though, the gist was plain.

Know you of the mind, Quay who was once a Jedi? Know you how to change minds? Could you remove my curse?

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Many thoughts went through the Lost Padwans mind. Quay heard the young darksiders voice in her head.

I'll help you in anyway, I can. She answered back silently.

[Choir Aztaroth]

Have you experience in the mind altering? An almost bubbly undercurrent of hope flashed through the telepathic link, betraying Choir for what she was: exceptionally immature. A classic teen.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

The Padawan sighed. Unfortunately, I can't help you in removing your curse. If you were an animal, I'd have no problem. But, mentalism isn't my strong point. I'm sorry.

She felt bad for the young girl and there was really not alot she could do.

[Choir Aztaroth]

Were there others you have known who so could do? Ehhh... The sigh carried clearly over the linkage. Do you know of anythi-anyone who could?

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Hmmm...I'm not sure. I will question those I do know that wield the Force. I can give you that much....umm, I don't know your name... Quay smiled gently.

[Saadya Khalil-Na'Mir]

He entered the small diner, many looked when he arrived. His desert garb always stood out like a sore thumb, but Saadya Khalil-Na'Mir did not care.

He was a Prince from Sha'Karr, a dry dusty system that was now owned by the Mul'De'Nir, an elite group of warriors who hated House Khalil-Na'Mir.

One day, he would return to that dusty place and regain his throne. But, not today.

Right now he was hungry and this place was as good as anywhere.

Saadya was tall and rugged, his desert garb making him look that much more intimidating. He was darkly tanned with a strange array of tatoos across his cheeks and forehead. His well-trimmed goutee and long, dark hair gave a promoted a dark affliction to his essence.

Saadya was not evil, he was a warrior who fought for his family name and he was making an attempt to rebuild his life and what he had lost.

Another man entered behind him, a Royal Guardian to the desert Prince. "Here, m'lord?" He asked as he looked around cautiously.

"Yes, here." Saadya answered and took a window seat, two more guards stood outside and he knew another was at the back entrance.
He removed his sword and placed it beside him under the table in easy reaching distance, not to mention he had an array of daggars on him as well.

The guardian that had followed him in took another booth seat behind the prince.

[Choir Aztaroth]

I am sorry. Some embarassment crept over the link. My name is Choir Aztaroth, Quay.

Are you sure your Jedi friends would like helping a Dar-

The albino's eyes blinked open hesitantly as the door opened and the link was shattered. She would have tried to reconnect, but the new arrivals distracted her for a few moments.

Sorry about that. There are new customers. They wear desert clothing- Varunda IX had its share of deserts -and have tattoos. One carries himself like he's in charge, the other one's a guard, and there are other guards outside. If they want trouble, they may be difficult to subdue.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay 'Na looked up and saw the new ones enter and nodded. "I'll keep an eye on them, Choir. Thanks for the input." Before she left, she looked at the young girl. "Why don't I wrap you up some ribs and you can eat them for supper tonight? My treat." She said as she stood and straightened her apron as she waited to see if Choir wanted the ribs.

[Choir Aztaroth]

"I-"

Ego warred with hunger. Her funds were limited...

"Thank you very much, Quay."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"It's my pleasure, Choir." She smiled and quickly walked back behind the counter. "I need a ribs to go, Dex!" She called.

"Getting it, Quay!" Came the happy reply.

With a menu and a glass of water, she walked over to the new guy.

"Hi, I'm Quay. I'll be your waitress. Is there anything else I can get you to drink, Sir?" She asked as she sat the glass of water down in front of him.

[Saadya Khalil-Na'Mir]

Saadya looked upon the young woman as she placed the water in front of her. "This is free?" He asked with a look of surprise. Water on Sha'Karr was one of the most precious things on the planet and yet here it was handed out freely.

[Choir Aztaroth]

Typical desert-dweller. Choir would be inclined to look down on him were it not for the guards.

And if those rather plain clothes were an attempt at disguise - for he was definitely someone important - then someone had goofed.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Um, yeah it's free. You'll find it everywhere here, Sir." Quay tried not to seem rude at the guys oddness. But, shook the feeling away, alright so he wasn't from around here that much was very obvious and he definitely needed to be shown the ropes.

"Would you like anything else to drink while you look at your menu?"

[Saadya Khalil-Na'Mir]

"No, thank you. Water is fine." Saadya answered with a nod.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na nodded and walked back towards the counter when she heard Dex. "Ribs wrapped, Quay!" He dinged a small bell.

"Got it!" She called and grabbed up the box.

With a smile, she headed back towards Choir and sat down the box on the table. "Here ya go, Choir." Next she slide the money the girl had given her back across the table.

"The meals are on me, my friend. I think, you can use this elsewhere."

[Choir Aztaroth]

Pride almost won this time.

"Thank you, Quay," Choir said, bowing slightly. "Thank you very much indeed."

She stood, picking up the ribs, and after a moment, the money. Her jaw worked as if she wanted to say something, but instead she just nod-bowed again and headed for the door.

Pleased to meet you, Quay.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Pleased to meet you too, Choir. Come back soon and we'll talk some more. Quay was happy to have made a new friend, one that wasn't in the realm of her past ways.

It felt good to be out amongst the real living and not in some dorm just talking about it. That was how her life had been, she wasn't really living then.

It was all just kind of some steadfast hope that she would claim her way, but now she was here and learning real things about the real world and the people in it.

Quay walked over to the dark man again. "So, sir have you made a selection?"

[Yasmin Le'Kray]

Yasmin got ready as quickly as she could. Cordell had gotten in touch with her and asked her to meet him at Dexter's. Yasmin had only been a couple times, but still, seeing Cordell would be nice.

As she hailed a transport, she thought about Cordell, which made her think of her sister. Quay. She had not seen Quay a lot recently. She sighed as she stepped into the transport. She watched out the window as they flew through Corusant. Before she knew it they were there. She reached up and paid the driver and he left before she barely stepped out of the transport. She shook her head and laughed to herself. "Geesh, drivers these days." She continued to laugh slightly as she walked into Dexter's. She took a seat at the counter and looked around for Cordell and down at her chrono. Maybe she was early.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay had her back to the door as she heard the door open and close.

"I'll take the breakfast special number three, Miss."

Quay wrote it down, "how would you like your eggs and which kind of meat?"

"Over easy and bacon."

"Okay, I'll bring it out in a few." Quay'Na smiled as she turned around and saw the familiar bobbed brown hair. "Well, I'll be darned." She said as she came around the counter.

"How in the world did you..." she thought of her dad and shook her head. "Nevermind, I think I know."

Quay glanced around for her father. "Well, the culprit was here a bit ago, Yas. He must've gone to the 'fresher. It's been a while and it's time you knew about something if dad hadn't said anything." She stood back from the counter and the very visible lump of her growing child could definitely be seen. "Surprise, you're going to be an auntie."

[Yasmin Le'Kray]

Yasmin did not know what to say. She just let Quay talk. She was very surprised. More surprised than Quay seemed. And even more surprised when she found out she was going to be an Aunt. She mouth hung open for a couple seconds as she tried to regain some composure. "Quay. I don't know what to say. Congratulations!" She stood up and leaned over the counter to give her a hug. "It's so good to see you. I had no idea. Dad, he's sneaky."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Yes, he is. Thanks, sis it's good to know I have family support on this." She smiled as she returned the hug. "So, how've you been?"

Quay quickly turned in her order and walked back over to her sister to hear what had been happening in her life.

[Yasmin Le'Kray]

"Not much has been happening to me. Same old stuff. Work, mostly. What about with you? How long have you worked here?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Oh, a couple of months. Just to help out, ya know. Dex is a great guy to work with, he's really funny sometimes."