Lonely...(Fig)

[Ka' el Darcverse]

Ka' el sat meditating on the lessons he had learned this day, as was his custom since being being taken a Padawan by the fabled Jedi Master Figrin D'an. He did this so that each day he would see how he had grown, how his strengths and weaknesses compaired and what he could do to further himself the next day. It made him an excellent student; Master D'an continually commented on the progress the young padawan made, but it made him a very solitary individual. Most of his social interactions were via training exercises and even then most times he practiced alone. It was a lonely life and tonight of all nights he was starting to realize that.

A solitary tear streamed down his face. The boy had no friends, he had not gone out of his way to make them, but he had not made an attempt to dissuade people. Part of it was his character, he believed in a strict interpretation of the Jedi code. His emotions were always internalized, so as to never show a sign of weakness before those who opposed the values and morals of the New Republic and the Jedi. Because of this the smile he often showed as a young learner and the practical jokester that he had once been didn't really show to other people. He was torn, on one hand there was duty and honor, the life blood of a Jedi. On the other hand was a young man who died a little more on the inside each day, a slave to his own sense of duty.

He looked for his communicator, the streams of tears poured down his face. Though his room was quite spartan, he often had trouble finding his communicator partially because of the rare instances he actually used it. He sorted through his dirty laundry for the day and found it in one of his pockets. Picking it up and unfolding it he pressed a few buttons. He was calling the closest thing to a friend he had: his master.

Please pick-up master...

[Figrin D'an]

Figrin had just sat down and stretched out on his couch, and was getting ready to read and have a cup of tea when the his moble comm unit beeped.

Without interruption, he reached behind his head to the end table and tapped the comm unit, still focused on he book.

"Yes?," he said, only half attentive.

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"M-master D' an?" His voice cracked as he spoke. There was desperation in it. A tiredness, tired of fighting his emotions, tired of fighting temptation, the sound of a young man at the breaking point.

"Master D'an are you there?"

[Figrin D'an]

Figrin's eyes narrowed in curiosity. He could barely make out the voice at first, and as it spoke again, he could distinctly tell that it was hesitant and emotional.

"Yes, this is Master D'an," he replied, still confused himself. "I'm here. Is that you, Ka' el?"

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"I'm sorry master... I didn't mean to call you so late..." He was fumbling with what he wanted to say. He didn't really know himself. He just was lonely, tired of having no one to talk to when he was having trouble with matters of the Force.

"It's just that well I don't know how to put this..." He felt so weak. All his training, his practice, it was falling apart. His emotions were controlling him. He was angry that no one wanted to be his friend. Angry that he was he thought he was alone in this world.

"I'm having some troubles master and I don't know who else to turn to..."

[Figrin D'an]

Confusion turned to concern as he heard Ka' el speak, and in a way he had never heard the young man speak before. There was an overflow of emotion on the other end of the comm that Figrin couldn't have expected.

"Ka' el, where are you?," he asked quickly yet calmly. "What's wrong?"

He sat up and set aside his book, the troubled voice of his padawan now his sole focus.

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"I'm in my quarters. I just don't understand why..." He stopped, a sob could be heard muffled from the other end of the comm.

"I can't hold it in anymore..."

[Figrin D'an]

"What?," he asked. "What is it that you can't hold in?"

Even though full-fledged Jedi were able to control their emotions to a very high degree, breakdowns were not uncommon among those still in training. The stress caused by the intense focus and devotion to learning the Jedi arts was not easy to handle, especially for younger students. Ka' el wasn't really young, though... he was a full padawan, and much closer to Knighthood than not. Figrin had never seen or heard anything near this level of emotional letting from him, either.

"Ka' el," he said reassuringly, "whatever it is, you can tell me... you need to tell me."

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"I don't know what it is master, I just can't control my emotions. I'm just so ANGRY!" He growled the last bit and a crash could be heard through the comm link, then a whimper.

"It hurts master.." If Ka' el was in his right mind and could hear what he was saying he would have bowed his head in shame. He had never had an outburst, even as a young padawan. His control over his emotions had always been so steady.

"No one cares... I have no friends...I'M BEING HELD BACK!," His jumbled ramblings became more random as his emotions hit him harder. Each time he tried to fight back one emotion another would rush in just as hard.

[Figrin D'an]

"Ka' el, you must calm yourself," he answered. "I know it's hard to control your emotions all of the time. But just spoutings things at random isn't going to help. I need to know what is bothering you. I can help you, but you must help me to understand what is happening."

This was potentially more serious than the Jedi Master had initially considered.

"Remember your mental training, Ka' el," he said calmly. "Focus on a positive memory... something good that you remember... and use it pull yourself away from the confusion and the frustration. Then tell me what triggered all of this."

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"Good what is good?" Ka' el roared back.

"I train, I fight, I train, I fight..." Ka' el's voice cracked and more crashing could be heard.

"And what comes of it? What honor is mine? What Glory? Where are the friends I should have made, where are the comrades who will stand by my side?"

Ka' el then cried; "I have no one who loves me..."

[Figrin D'an]

It was becoming more clear as Ka' el vented his feelings. He felt incomplete because he thought he was unloved, that there was no one who could share in his successes, his failures... everything about his life.


"Ka' el, listen to me," he said firmly, yet not without compassion. "Stay in your room. I'll be there in a few minutes."


Figrin threw on his Jedi cloak, though it looked a bit out of place over his casual, non-Jedi garb. He didn't give it any thought, though, as he headed out the door.

[Ka' el Darcverse]

Ka' el slammed the comm link down destroying it in one move. Suddenly the Force surged through him, all his furniture and belongings lifted up off the ground and spun violently out-of-control

Then as soon as it started it ended.

His belongings crashed to the ground and he fell down, curling into a ball. He buried his head between his knees and he cried.

[Figrin D'an]

Figrin arrived at Ka' el's door and quickly tapped the door chime. There was no immediate response, and the Jedi tapped the chime again. Still, the padawan did not answer or open the door.

Without hesitation, he used the security panel to override the door locks with his personal access code. The door slide open, and Figrin stepped just inside the room.

The lights were off, but the scene was still clear. It looked like a torrential wind had whipped through the young man's quarters, toppling and throwing about everything in it's path. Books, clothing, and personal belongings were everywhere, some just laying in awkward locations, other items were broken. Ka' el was nowhere in immediate sight. The padawan's presence could clearly be felt, but it wasn't quite... normal

"Ka' el?," Figrin called. "Ka' el? Where are you?"

After a few short moments of looking amid the mess, he found his student curled up in a corner, staring at nothing, eyes red from crying. The Jedi Master knelt down near him.

"Ka' el... what happened?," he asked gently. "What caused you to lose control like that?"

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"I... I just don't know," the boy meekly replied. He felt his master's arm on his shoulder.

"I was just meditating ---"

A flash of light passed over his eyes. He saw himself standing alone, being abandoned by those whom called themselves friends. All around him death and chaos and he was the cause. It made him feel powerful, like he could do whatever he wanted. It was the darkside calling to him.

"Please Master, make these feelings go away."

[Figrin D'an]

Figrin winced at the moment Ka 'el had his waking vision. He saw part of it telepathically, and it was so powerful, the Jedi Master felt it in his own mind.

"That image..." he said, "I've never felt that kind of darkness from you before."

"Ka' el," he continued, recovering from the shock, "I can help you through this... I can teach you to control these feelings and visions. But you have to help me understand what could have caused this."

He sighed, then got to his feet. He extended his arm and open hand to his padawan, who was still crouched on the floor.

"Come on," Figrin said gently, "let's go for a walk. I think we could both use some fresh air."

[Ka' el Darcverse]

Ka' el raised his hand to Figrin and allowed him to pull him up. He wiped the tears from his face with the sleeve of his left arm. His breathing was labored and his eyes stung from the tears. He coughed and cleared his throat.

"A walk sounds good."

Ka' el followed his master out of his quarters and walked along side him. His head hanging in shame.

"I don't understand why this happened, I was just meditating..."

[Figrin D'an]

"We can't always predict when powerful visions like that will come," Figrin counseled. "Sometimes they appear when we least expect them, or when we are not prepared for them, or when we are at our most vulnerable. The Force does not always allow us to immediately understand why we see what we do. We must determine that for ourselves."

"But know that we all have our struggles... our own personal demons that we must exercise on the path to becoming a Jedi," he continued. "If you tell me about your meditations, and about your recent thoughts, it may provide us a clue to what is behind what you saw."

They continued to walk, leaving the buildings of the Jedi Complex and wandering into the large expanse that was the Jedi Gardens.

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"I was simply meditating on what I had learned and experienced today. When my emotions started yo-yo-ing, I don't know why."

Ka' el looked up at his master, a look of absolute shame on his face. His eyes still red. He was afraind that his master would not think him worthy of being a Jedi.

[Figrin D'an]

"What had you been thinking about prior to your meditations?" Figrin questioned. "Is there something that has been on your mind lately?"

Ka' el seemed hesistent to respond, so they continued to walk for a bit. Figrin thought back to the comm call his padawan had first made to him, and considered what Ka' el had said in those brief moments of broken conversation.

"You said something over the comm about not having friends... about being held back," Figrin commented. "I know you said that under emotional duress, but I'm curious to know if there is anything to those statements."

He didn't look at his student, choosing only to observe the padawans reactions indirectly.

[Ka' el Darcverse]

Ka' el blushed at his master repeating the words he had said under duress.

"I don't think I'm being held back master..." he left the question of no friends unanswered intentionally. There was a part of him that didn't believe he had friends. Perhaps it was this part of him that had triggered his episode, but he wouldn't do it, he wouldn't accept this as the reason.

"As I was meditating images of the people I had met within the Order flooded my mind. I don't konw why though."

[Figrin D'an]

The Jedi Master had a feeling, just from his student's tone, that Ka' el wasn't telling him everything. There was something to those heated comments made over the comm, and now admitted that his vision contained images of everyone he has known within the Order would seem to reinforce that sentiment. Figrin chose not to push the issue at the moment, however. There were other ways to determine with some certainty exactly what the padawan was feeling.

"So, your meditation led you to see other Jedi, the people in the Order whom you know," Figrin summarized. "What happened after that?"

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"I was ascending to take the trials and they tried to stop me, saying that I was not deserving." Ka' el shook a bit and stammered.

"They st-stepped in front of me and said they would not allow me to take the trials. That I was too weak to be a Jedi. They taunted me, mocked me, the very people that were supposed to be my friends and it made me angry. So angry that I drew my saber and I struck each one of them down. I killed them until there were no more left to stand against me." His eyes filled with tears and he lowered his head again.

"And it felt good master, I felt strong, stronger than anyone else. But now that it is over I just feel shame."

[Figrin D'an]

"I... see," was all the Jedi Master could say at first.

He considered his approach to this carefully. The Dark Side had a way of feeding off of visions of this type in ways that were far more subtle than merely anger and hatred. Avoiding it was not the solution, but neither was forcing the padawan to face it directly. Sublty of his own was what Figrin needed to employ.

"Well," he said matter-of-factly, "I certainly don't think you are too weak to be a Jedi. You have much potential, some of which you have unlocked, some which remains to be discovered. And I very much believe the other masters feel as I do."

"Feeling powerful, feeling strong... these aren't necessarily bad things, Ka' el," Figrin counseled. "A Jedi must trust in his abilities to succeed in the tasks they are given, and, at times, his very survival may depend upon that self-trust. The danger comes in crossing the line from confidence to arrogance. A confident Jedi is a successful Jedi. An arrogant Jedi is a vessel for the Dark Side to corrupt."

He reached out an put a comforting hand on his padawan's shoulder.

"Your time will come to take the trials, and when you do, you will have the support of the entire Order."

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"I understand that master. I admit I get antsy about the trials at times with myself, but I know that the council and yourself have more than enough ability to know when I'm ready."

Ka' el seemed to straighten out a bit, getting the spring in his step that was usually there as he spoke with his master.

"I have the utmost confidence in every Knight and Master in this order master, it isn't doubts about peoples abilities or intentions that I think are bothering me. Its just that well..."

Ka' el was so ashamed of what he wanted to say. He didn't want to admit that he was lonely that he didn't really no anybody here. He wanted to crawl in a hole.

"I just, well, I, um, how do I put this?"

[Figrin D'an]

"Whatever it is you need to say, Ka' el, you can tell me," Figrin offered in an almost fatherly manner. "I know that the rigors of Jedi training aren't easy. I went thought it myself."

"I only want to help you," he said, with a smile.

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"It just feels like I don't have any friends."

Ka' el replied. It was a matter of fact and he was tired of holding back.

"Its like I've been here all my life and no one knows me."

[Figrin D'an]

"I suppose you have always been one to focus on your training," Figrin said softly. "With all your zeal to become the best Jedi you possibly can, it can be easy to allow too many other important aspects of life to pass."

He understood Ka' el's frustration. In some ways, Figrin had gone through the same feelings of isolation in his own youth, just under slightly different circumstances.

"You shouldn't feel that you are alone, by any means," the Jedi Master continued. "There are others who are going through the same rigors you are, and still others who have been through them before. You have a lot in common with many people here, Ka' el. You simply have to let them see you as Ka' el Darcverse the person, instead of always being Ka' el Darcverse the Jedi. It is possible to be both, especially around those whom can best relate to you."

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"But the code master..." Ka' el interjected.

"It says to have no emotion, for any emotion can lead toward the darkside. The history books teach of Anakin Skywalker's fall because of his inability to control his emotions. Would not letting myself feel for someone open the door?"

[Figrin D'an]

"The Code is an aide, a perfection that can remind us and guide us on our journey as Jedi," Figrin responded calmly. "But we are not perfect beings, Ka' el. We are not capable of removing emotion from ourselves. We can, however, learn to control our emotions and use them in positive ways. Emotion is not an evil thing. It is how we use emotion in response to the universe around us that determines if we follow the path of light, or if we fall into darkness."

"Caring for others is part of being a Jedi. Among our many roles, we are protectors, preserving life and guarding against those who would harm the innocent. To feel things for others is normal. Acting on those feelings appropriately is what matters."

[Ka' el Darcverse]

"So tempering one's emotions with reason is the key?"

Ka' el thought for a moment.

"What of a righteous anger master?" He looked at him.

"To act because you know that what one is doing is wrong, is there not some anger involved in this and should I allow this anger to fuel me?"

[Figrin D'an]

"Righteous anger is still, at it's core, anger," Figrin responded. "It can be just as dangerous as other powerful emotions, like hatred or fear. It is a matter of learning control over one's emotions. When we act against those doing wrong, we do it because the greater good is served if we do. We may feel sparks of emotion inside of us when we see wrong being done to others, but it is our self discipline and learned control that prevents those sparks from becoming raging infernos."

He contined the analogy. "Sparks happen all the time, in each of us. We can manage and control the sparks. It is the inferno that can burn beyond our abilities to contain. It becomes important to not let the sparks burn too hot."

"You must find the balance within yourself, and determine how much of a fire you can sustain within your realm of control. It is different for everyone, and as such, has no simple answer."

[Ka' el Darcverse]

Ka' el nodded his head and then stopped. He realized his fear and anger had resided, he felt safe again.

"I understand master," Ka' el replied with a bit more confidence than he had before.

"Master thank you," the young man reached out and wrapped his arms around Master D'an giving him a hug.

"You don't understand how much this helped me master."

[Figrin D'an]

The hug caught him completely off guard.

"Um... well, I'm glad you are alright now," was all he could manage, laughing while he talked.