Loklorien s'Ilancy
Feb 18th, 2004, 03:24:45 AM
The Great Roach War
Being that I am now an unwilling Texas inhabitant, I have come to expect many things. Bad drivers, biting cold (even snow) one day and then scorching heat the next, insane women who think they must get dolled up just to go get gas, the inability to buy alcohol in some stores because even though my ID says very clearly that I am 23 years old, I am apparently only 17 in Texas, buy a six-pack of Milwaukee’s Best and get a job to go with it (see Charley? The Beast is good for something!), have my car pushed across a Wal-Mart parking lot by a truck 3 times it’s size, met guys who make better looking women than I do, and many other happenings. I thought I had experienced it all, until 3 weeks after I moved into my apartment.
SKIRMISH #1: The First Offensive
About 3 weeks after moving to Dallas, I had the pleasure of entertaining Zasz, Silus, and Terran Starek for a few days in my wonderfully under-furnished home. As it happened, the night before Zasz arrived, Terran, myself, Silus, and Taylor went to the grocery store to get beer, and because my car is so s’Il-sized, Silus and Taylor decided to walk back to my apartment – it wasn’t a long walk, and as it was, no one in their right mind would think to mug two men, 6 foot 3, 200+ lbs each, so I didn’t really worry too much. So. Terran and I got back to my apartment, unloaded the beer, and then proceeded to watch Family Guy on my computer.
Ten minutes into it, I happened to look to my right, and lo and behold, one of the biggest cockroaches I’ve ever seen in my life swaggered across the living room floor as if he owned the place. Of course I pointed this out to Terran, and as any gentleman would do, he swiftly grabbed his shoe - his very BIG shoe. We then began to chase it around the room for a period of three minutes until, Terran, finally able to get a clear shot, swung with a strength I’ve never seen a man use in a single swing. He hit the beast full-on. Unfortunately, the thing must have had shoe repellant on, because as the shoe was lifted away, it looked up at the both of us, beady little cockroach eyes conveying a single message very clearly – “Well what the hell was THAT for??”
What followed was nothing less than mayhem, and after five more hits with the shoe, Terran finally succeeded in vanquishing his foe. We took it outside then, dumping it in the cigarette-butt bucket outside. By now, I can safely say that its carcass is buried beneath 7 feet of cigarette butts (not all of them are mine, thank you).
SKIRMISH #2: 1st Bathroom Assault
Approximately 2 weeks ago I thought I was doing pretty good for myself. I run a pretty clean ship, and despise garbage in just about any form. My apartment therefore, is pretty spotless (except for the spot on my carpet where Zasz’s route 44 Dr. Pepper lost its bottom as he picked it up). So you can imagine my surprise when I walked into my bathroom one night, turned on the light, and found myself staring down yet another vile creature. The look I got from this one was quite accusatory, as if I’d walked in on it as it was relieving itself. I yelled at it, of course, trying to show that I held no fear within a single bone of my body whatsoever, then charged. The monster fled (I think it was my fingernails that scared it), utilizing the perimeter of the bathroom to evade my foot (yes, it had a shoe on it. I’m not stupid). Once around and back again we went, myself uttering every battle-cry I could think of while still trying to be relatively mindful of the neighbors. The roach had to have been terrified, for it made a fatal error as we reached the point from where we’d begun – it ran out into the open. Now. This soldier was larger than the first, and much faster, leading me to believe that the vermin are creating mutants to fight this war. No Matter. I’m still heavier than it – by 4 lbs. And so down went my shoe…
And the creature POPPED. It literally popped – I could feel it through the shoe and into my bones. In the aftermath of this event, there was no denying it – my foe was becoming not only braver (having such gall as to use MY restroom), but smarter too - as was evident by the mutant-like qualities of the creature that had trouble fitting down the toilet.
SKIRMISH #3: 2nd Bathroom Assault
Like any other night, tonight was supposed to be spent doing relatively nothing. All of that changed though, as when I walked into my bathroom and turned on the light, yet ANOTHER incestuous monster was found – this one using my shower. It was trying to figure out how to turn the knobs to start the water, and thus hadn’t noticed my unexpected entrance, and subsequent silent exit.
My first thought was to call for reinforcements, so I IM’ed Charley in the hopes that he could come over and help me combat this thing – he said “no way”. I knew at that point that I was on my own, and left to my own devices, I came to the conclusion that not all of the swords that I collect absolutely had to be JUST wall decorations. I opted for the finely crafted curved dagger that my mother purchased for me many years ago. Dagger clutched in a two-fisted, white-knuckled grip, I tiptoed my way back into the bathroom. This is MY house – I wasn’t about to let it be annexed by these infidels.
It still was focused on trying to coax water from the tub faucet, and so it was apparent that I had the upper hand. What followed next was a pursuit from one end of the tub to the other, my blade deflected many times over. It dawned on me then, that since this thing was so intent on taking a shower, I’d certainly oblige it, and turning on the hot water, herded the beast towards the front of the tub. I can still hear his screams of agony, and believe me when I say that I took satisfaction from them. I brandished my dagger just like a triumphant warlord, knowing that victory was mine.
But, I know that the war isn’t over yet. I can only wait for the next time one of those horrid minions come crawling out for a fight. And when they do, I’ll be ready for them.
I really want to move out of this state :\
Being that I am now an unwilling Texas inhabitant, I have come to expect many things. Bad drivers, biting cold (even snow) one day and then scorching heat the next, insane women who think they must get dolled up just to go get gas, the inability to buy alcohol in some stores because even though my ID says very clearly that I am 23 years old, I am apparently only 17 in Texas, buy a six-pack of Milwaukee’s Best and get a job to go with it (see Charley? The Beast is good for something!), have my car pushed across a Wal-Mart parking lot by a truck 3 times it’s size, met guys who make better looking women than I do, and many other happenings. I thought I had experienced it all, until 3 weeks after I moved into my apartment.
SKIRMISH #1: The First Offensive
About 3 weeks after moving to Dallas, I had the pleasure of entertaining Zasz, Silus, and Terran Starek for a few days in my wonderfully under-furnished home. As it happened, the night before Zasz arrived, Terran, myself, Silus, and Taylor went to the grocery store to get beer, and because my car is so s’Il-sized, Silus and Taylor decided to walk back to my apartment – it wasn’t a long walk, and as it was, no one in their right mind would think to mug two men, 6 foot 3, 200+ lbs each, so I didn’t really worry too much. So. Terran and I got back to my apartment, unloaded the beer, and then proceeded to watch Family Guy on my computer.
Ten minutes into it, I happened to look to my right, and lo and behold, one of the biggest cockroaches I’ve ever seen in my life swaggered across the living room floor as if he owned the place. Of course I pointed this out to Terran, and as any gentleman would do, he swiftly grabbed his shoe - his very BIG shoe. We then began to chase it around the room for a period of three minutes until, Terran, finally able to get a clear shot, swung with a strength I’ve never seen a man use in a single swing. He hit the beast full-on. Unfortunately, the thing must have had shoe repellant on, because as the shoe was lifted away, it looked up at the both of us, beady little cockroach eyes conveying a single message very clearly – “Well what the hell was THAT for??”
What followed was nothing less than mayhem, and after five more hits with the shoe, Terran finally succeeded in vanquishing his foe. We took it outside then, dumping it in the cigarette-butt bucket outside. By now, I can safely say that its carcass is buried beneath 7 feet of cigarette butts (not all of them are mine, thank you).
SKIRMISH #2: 1st Bathroom Assault
Approximately 2 weeks ago I thought I was doing pretty good for myself. I run a pretty clean ship, and despise garbage in just about any form. My apartment therefore, is pretty spotless (except for the spot on my carpet where Zasz’s route 44 Dr. Pepper lost its bottom as he picked it up). So you can imagine my surprise when I walked into my bathroom one night, turned on the light, and found myself staring down yet another vile creature. The look I got from this one was quite accusatory, as if I’d walked in on it as it was relieving itself. I yelled at it, of course, trying to show that I held no fear within a single bone of my body whatsoever, then charged. The monster fled (I think it was my fingernails that scared it), utilizing the perimeter of the bathroom to evade my foot (yes, it had a shoe on it. I’m not stupid). Once around and back again we went, myself uttering every battle-cry I could think of while still trying to be relatively mindful of the neighbors. The roach had to have been terrified, for it made a fatal error as we reached the point from where we’d begun – it ran out into the open. Now. This soldier was larger than the first, and much faster, leading me to believe that the vermin are creating mutants to fight this war. No Matter. I’m still heavier than it – by 4 lbs. And so down went my shoe…
And the creature POPPED. It literally popped – I could feel it through the shoe and into my bones. In the aftermath of this event, there was no denying it – my foe was becoming not only braver (having such gall as to use MY restroom), but smarter too - as was evident by the mutant-like qualities of the creature that had trouble fitting down the toilet.
SKIRMISH #3: 2nd Bathroom Assault
Like any other night, tonight was supposed to be spent doing relatively nothing. All of that changed though, as when I walked into my bathroom and turned on the light, yet ANOTHER incestuous monster was found – this one using my shower. It was trying to figure out how to turn the knobs to start the water, and thus hadn’t noticed my unexpected entrance, and subsequent silent exit.
My first thought was to call for reinforcements, so I IM’ed Charley in the hopes that he could come over and help me combat this thing – he said “no way”. I knew at that point that I was on my own, and left to my own devices, I came to the conclusion that not all of the swords that I collect absolutely had to be JUST wall decorations. I opted for the finely crafted curved dagger that my mother purchased for me many years ago. Dagger clutched in a two-fisted, white-knuckled grip, I tiptoed my way back into the bathroom. This is MY house – I wasn’t about to let it be annexed by these infidels.
It still was focused on trying to coax water from the tub faucet, and so it was apparent that I had the upper hand. What followed next was a pursuit from one end of the tub to the other, my blade deflected many times over. It dawned on me then, that since this thing was so intent on taking a shower, I’d certainly oblige it, and turning on the hot water, herded the beast towards the front of the tub. I can still hear his screams of agony, and believe me when I say that I took satisfaction from them. I brandished my dagger just like a triumphant warlord, knowing that victory was mine.
But, I know that the war isn’t over yet. I can only wait for the next time one of those horrid minions come crawling out for a fight. And when they do, I’ll be ready for them.
I really want to move out of this state :\