Clear Conscience (Estelle)

[imported_Terran Starek]

As he made his way back into the main Living Quarters of the Academy, a sense of calm came over the Jedi. It was the first time in some time that he had felt this way, and he attributed it soley to his time spent with Sejah. He needed to be with his friend, and even more, he needed to know that Sejah had forgiven him. Though it would take time to heal the wounds--both the body and the spirit--they would mend, and he could count on it.

Time to find his Master.

Coming to Estelle's room, he knocked gently on the door a couple of times. He hoped she was there, as she had given him instructions to see her after he'd spoken with Sejah. His aura was a bit brighter and the load on his mind a bit lighter now, and he was sure she would be able to sense the change.

Glancing around the hallway, he noticed that the female wing of the Order was much different than the male. It had a little more decoration to it, as well as a homey feel. Moreover, it smelled leagues better than the male wing. It was nice. Though Terran was a very clean person in general, some of the others let their hygene slip at times.

He stretched is shoulders and waited for his new Master to answer.

[Estelle Russard]

The door opened, and Estelle stood before her newest padawan, fresh faced and a soft smile touching her lips. Her hair fell loosely to her shoulders and she looked casual and relaxed in a white tank and baggy jogging pants.

"Hello Terran"

A simple greeting which did not justify the wealth of unspoken understanding that exchanged between them as Terran's eyes met her own.

A weight had lifted off him since his meeting with Sejah. He did not have to tell her that he had been in the company of his Nehanite friend. The care so lately that had drawn his features had eased considerably and his shoulders did not seem so beset with burden as before.

Estelle stepped back a pace, affording an invitation for Terran to come in.

"Ive just made some tea"

[imported_Terran Starek]

"Well, then I should help you get rid of it," he said with a smile entering into Estelle's room. He'd never visited the room before, and he felt a slight bit of uncomfort come over him. He always had this feeling in new places--it was genetic, he thought. It took him a tad bit of time to warm up to something new. It was a Conrad family trait--a Gais mindset. Resist change, don't try anything new. He'd been breaking himself of it slowly since he'd joined the Order.

"It smells very good, Master," Terran spoke, awkwardly shadowing her movements as he was trying to acclimate himself to the new locale. He scanned the room, picking up details on its features. He was observant, a bookworm, and he'd begun to make all the details of the place out in his head for his personal, mental reference library.

"How have you been? Even though it's only been a day or two, but I should definitely like to know." He'd had two previous Masters before Estelle--Verse Dawnstrider and Marcus Elessar. Though both were very strong Jedi Masters--and Marcus was wise, to boot--he never shared the relationship he'd always envisioned with them. Verse abandonned him after a few months of training, and Marcus led such a mysterious existence that Terran could never keep up. He wanted to really know Estelle--to be her padawan, her friend. He wanted her to mentor him, he wanted to have that relationship with her that he had never had.

Thus, he genuinely cared to talk with her about all things peronal.

[Estelle Russard]

"I've been well" she busied with cups and saucers, setting them out on the counter, placing sugar and milk beside them for Terran to help himself.

She poured a little of the steeped leaves tea into the first cup - it was a deep red/brown color, perfect. She filled both cups 3/4 full.

"But I have been thinking of you a lot. You and Sejah" she said. "Lets sit over here"

Her style was easy and comfortable. It was always awkward, the initial stages, in getting to know the person you were training. There was always a certain 'testing of the waters' in regards to personality and approach. But Estelle felt none of this with Terran. With him, she felt no strangeness at all. Perhaps it was because he had been around the Order a while, had some previous training. But she considered it more likely that they were just closer in personality type and, for her part, she found connecting came easily. Estelle felt instinctively that Terran and herself would not take long to forge a close and strong relationship together.

She sat across from him, a small oval table made of azure glass between them. Set in its center was a small bowl with clear water and petite lavender flowers floating in it for ornamental effect.

"How is Sejah doing? His injuries are healing?"

[imported_Terran Starek]

"He is good," Terran said, after preparing his tea the way he liked it. A little bit of sugar and a splash of milk. He took a long drink, the liquid soothing his dry mouth and coated his throat plesantly as it was swallowed. He sat back a bit, feeling a little more comfortable. It was something about Estelle--her calm, inviting, receptive style. It made it easier to let go of his hesitations.

"His injuries are. . .well, they're getting better." He blushed a little, considering they were his fault. "But it was a very good time together. We talked quite a bit, and even planned a trip to my home planet." This brought a smile out of him as he thought about the journey.

"I think spending some time in nature will do wonders for us," he said, his confidence in this fact very genuine. He took another sip of his tea and paused for a moment. It was time to really speak with his Master--that was her purpose. Though he was a seasoned padawan, he desperately wanted that connection. Now was as good of a chance as any.

"You know, the most important thing though," he stumbled a bit, opening up his emotions to her. "The most important thing was his forgiveness. I mean, I needed it. If he never wanted to see me again, I would understand--I would abide like a good friend. But I needed him to release me from my shame." He spoke the feelings of his heart, and he figured she'd understand.

[Estelle Russard]

She nodded her understanding as she let Terran express himself.

"It was a brave thing you did, going to see him. I know that you have felt the burden of your actions and unfortunate choices. It showed in your eyes and the lines in your face. But also in your aura - it was like a fracture in your being that was as tangible as any physical break or injury."

She stirred her tea with a small spoon while she spoke.

"I am very glad you went to see him, Terran. And that Sejah gave his forgiveness. It was as needful for him to do so, as it was for you to receive it. Wronging somebody requires making ammends, but being wronged by someone also needs its own healing. You did a good thing for Sejah, every bit as much as for yoursef, by facing him."

She smiled, proud of him.

"You are again on the road to strength. You must move on now. Go forward. What happened is in the past, and you must not allow the darkside to use it against you. And believe me, it will try. That is it's nature, to never forgive - to hold past failures ever against us. The darkside holds no grace for human shortcomings.

You will never forget what happened, I know this. But in time, you will learn to let it go and realise that the experience has value simply by what you have learnt from it, and what you become because - and inspite of - it"

Estelle knew the hurt may never completely go away, the self-criminations Terran would always feel. But he must be stronger than these things. Embrace them and eventually rise above them. Only time would reveal if he could.

She sipped from her small teacup.

"So, a trip back home - that sounds like a wonderful idea"

[imported_Terran Starek]

Terran listened intently as she spoke. She spoke as if she knew something about an experience like this, or perhaps she had endured a difficult trial similiar to his own. Or, of course, she could simply be speaking with the wisdom of her rank and training. Terran didn't know which it was or, for that matter, he didn't care. He was just happy to know that she understood and that he could take something away from the experience.

"I understand, Master," he said after she had finished, the words sinking in. Of course, he would do his best to erase all the memories from his mind. But she had put it plainly--he would never be able to. It was something he was going to have to deal with. Luckily, he would be able to use her insight and her strength when facing the trials that laid ahead for him.

"Well, the funny thing is, Sejah has never seen the outdoors," Terran continued, responding to Master Russard's comment. "Gais is beautiful--if you haven't visited it, I should like to take you sometime. It's a true blue and green planet--deep forests and big oceans. The grass grows higher than Naboo; the suns burns brightly in the Southern Quarter; and the snow piles higher than some of the trees in the Northeast. The season's are beautiful." He paused realizing he was talking her ear off.

"I think we'll venture into the woods for some camping." He rocked back for a second, thinking. "You know, people draw from the Force in many different ways. When I am in nature, I am free. I can hear the trees and the wind. I can feel the Force." He blushed. "I wonder sometimes if I'm just crazy."

[Estelle Russard]

"Your homeworld sounds wonderful. I would like very much to visit Gais some time.

It seems reasonable to me that you would feel "free," as you say, when you are enjoying Gais' natural beauty. You are a person that knows how to be quieted and appreciate the things around him. It is probably an inborn affinity being a son of such a planet. It will serve you well as a Jedi.

My home is very rural back on Tr' Nuva and I know that its rustic and simple way of life have had a great effect on my personality and the way I look at things."

She smiled self-depracatingly.

"...Once I shed my country-bumpkinish ways, that is"

[imported_Terran Starek]

"You! Country-bumpkin?" Terran laughed with a surprised look on his face. "That, I wouldn't have guessed! Honestly I still don't believe it!" She was so smooth in her movements and had a quiet elegance about her that Terran never would have suspected her with small beginnings. In fact, he would have pegged her as royalty. Granted, she was a grounded, respectful royalty, but that's what she seemed like.

Sometimes, even Terran Starek misread people.

"I was raised on a farm as well. We raised horses for both war and domestic causes." He thought of the stables and the acres of green pasture. He thought of the old well from which he would fetch water for his parents. He remembered his horse--Renai--that his parents still kept today, though the beast was growing weary with age.

"There's something about it, Master Russard. It's just peaceful. It's the Force in its most basic work. There is no darkside lurking in the trees of Gais--only strength."

[Estelle Russard]

If she wasn't mistaken, Estelle felt Terran may be a little homesick.

Perhaps it was the thought that soon he would once again be in a place he loved, where things were familiar and simple and comprehendable. He had, afterall, been through a tough few months.

Estelle felt that way every now and then. Since coming to the Order, the longing to see her home and her family had eased over time - good friends and seeing herself grow as a Jedi had seen to that. But still, there was no denying that a persons home, their roots, was always a special place, and something that called to them now and then.

"Its nice to hear you speak so fondly of Gais, Terran. I know how it feels to treasure a life that is made of honest hard-working people. My father works the dairy farm, my mom and elder brother and his family, too. I have a younger brother...he is around Loki Ahmrah's age...who would like to follow me to Coruscant. But not as a Jedi - he wants to be a fighter pilot in the New Republic. Maybe he will one day. He has all the swagger all the great pilots seem to have.." Her voice trailed off as she thought of her family, a far off, sad type of smile touching her eyes.

She sighed audibly and then looked again to Terran.

"Do you have family back home? Bothers, sisters?"

[imported_Terran Starek]

"Yes, actually, I do." Terran cleared his throught and continued. "I have one brother--though I didn't actually know it until this last year. When I was younger, I was taken from my family, and so I didn't really get to know him until know." He remembered their first meeting and thought about how happy he'd been to know that he had a sibling. However much he disagreed with the other's lifestyle, he loved his brother nonetheless.

"His name is Jeran Conrad--Conrad the birth name and the name of my family." He thought she might have questions now about his name change. "Having been taken at a young age, I lost most all of my identity. I had to regain it, and I was given the name I carry now for the new life I lead." He hoped she didn't find that weird.

"That's exciting that your brother wishes to join the New Republic," he said, taking another drink of his tea. "Jeran is. . .well, he's of a different breed. He's a vigilante, really. Like the blood that flows through my family, he was blessed with the ability to weild the Force. He just chooses to walk his own path." Terran never fully approved of his 'destroy all evil, take no prisoners' attitude, but he was happy that his brother's saber fought against the darkside.

[Estelle Russard]

Another vigilante. Another Jedi who shook off the bridle of accountability. This seemed to be increasingly common and this disturbed Estelle.

But she refrained from saying so just now. That would be a topic of discussion for some other time.

"I am glad you got to know of your brother, and meet him.
It is good to have family, and for them to know we love them. You never know when that may make a difference in their lives."

She brought her feet up onto the couch, crossing them and making herself comfortable.

"Who took you? When you were a boy. What happened, if you feel you can tell me, that is"

[imported_Terran Starek]

"I don't mind sharing it with you," Terran spoke. He felt that without a full understanding and trust in Estelle, they wouldn't be able to develop the relationship he wanted out of their training. If he didn't trust her enough to let her into his life, let her know him, than why would he trust her when they were in brutal combat or worse? He wanted to develop a strong trust. There was no better time to start than now.

"I was taken from my home by the Sith. There was a sect of Sith who prided themselves in conquering whatever--or whoever--they could. Gais is an easy target--low technology level, only one starport, and an overall quiet and modest culture. They rampaged through the land, destroying many of the quiet villages and communities in the middle lattitude of the Northern Hemisphere, where my home village was located." He remembered the history of his planet with a heavy heart, even though he was too young to understand it at the time.

"I was identified for my connection to the Force--something I had never even known about. But one particular man sensed it and brought it out in me. His name was Kama." Terran uttered the name with a level of hesitation for the memories it awoke in him. He remembered his time there decently well, but he wasn't sure if he felt like going into the details right now. He'd been open, but the memories and facts of his past began to bring emotion up in his throat. He was sure that Estelle could tell. He didn't feel like going through it again.

"A lot of my childhood/teenage years there, I don't really remember." It wasn't a bold-faced lie, but it wasn't the truth. "It's hard to bring all of the memories up. Eventually, I got away and ended up here. I just always knew I wasn't built like the rest of the people there. I just didn't believe in all of their anger and I couldn't understand it." He rubbed his head and eyes.

"This Order was a true sanction to me." He smiled at her. "There was a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I committed myself to the life of the Jedi. But what about you, Master? What brought you here?" He changed the subject with genuine curiosity.

[Estelle Russard]

She wanted to reach across, touch his hand to let him know she understood that it was emotional for him to recount his past, but she didn't want him to feel more awkward than perhaps he already was.

Instead, Estelle settled for a reassuring look into his eyes and a ripple of extension via the force to his spirit that was equivalent to a physical comforting hand on his arm.

"You have been through alot. More than most"

She did not mention Xazor, but that was yet another of his difficult times that she was aware Terran had experienced. His altercation with Sejah, his childhood, the Sith -- even his brother's way of life -- all these were things that were a part of who Terran was, and could effect his judgement and decision making in the future. They were trials by fire in many respects and through them all, Terran knew for certain one true thing.

"Yet you know without reserve that it is the way of the Jedi that is your destiny. And you bend your will to that end."

She looked at him intently now.

"That is your strength Terran. Despite past circumstances, or past choices, even past failures - in the end you are determined to follow truth. The darkside cannot stand against that"

She relaxed her gaze once again.

"For myself - I wanted my life to count, to matter. I wanted to make a difference and not just remain content to a simple life that had been mapped out for me through expectations of my parents. As commendable a rural life is - the galaxy in turmoil would not miss one farmer's daughter, but it would miss a Jedi who did not walk her destiny."

[imported_Terran Starek]

Terran listened with strong eyes as Estelle spoke about his strength. It caused many emotions to flutter inside of him--embarassment, appreciation, but most of all, pride. He was not overly prideful, nor was he egotistical. It was simply that he had a sense of pride for the fact that he could remain in pursuit of something just and noble, despite the hardships he faced so close to him.

Estelle saw his strengths and praised him for them, something he had never really recieved. It gave him an intense feeling that he was doing something right--that all of his work to be a better person was for something. It made him proud to be who he was. Proud for the first time in a very, very long time.

"Master Russard, I believe it's safe to say that the Galaxy would be very much incomplete if you hadn't left the farm," he said with a smile. "At least, many people in it sure would." He took another long draw from his tea. He genuinely enjoyed his time with Estelle and felt more and more comfortable in her presence everyday.

"So I was thinking, not to be pushy with anything, but when Sejah and I return from our vacation, perhaps you and I would be able to do some traveling of our own?" His request was polite and like that of a child asking his parents.

[Estelle Russard]

"I am sure that will be very much a possibility, Terran"

Estelle didn't elaborate, but Terran sensed that her reply was more than just a generic response.

"How long do you think your trip with Sejah will keep you from Coruscant?"

It was more than simple curiosity that prompted her question, though she showed no anxious expectation in her tone.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"Not too long. We've planned a four day getaway, so with travel, I'd say about 6 or so days. We're leaving tomorrow morning, so I could be back in a week's time." Terran paused for a moment. "Or, for that matter, I can reschedule. I want to be around for training, and I'm on your schedule, Master." He laid his head back with a chuckle.

"You should see Sejah with waders on!" Terran laughed a bit as he spoke. "There's no hole for his tail, so he has to tuck it into his pants. It's hilarious!" The padawan was obviously in a much better mood since last they met as he busted out with laughter at the thought of his friend in fishing gear. The hat, the shirt, but most of all the waders--that was the best.

"I think we'll have a great time. In fact, I know we will. I'm just hoping for a smooth trip." He cleared his throat. "You know what I was thinking about? I was thinking that, of all my Masters that I've spent training time with, none of them has ever bothered to sit me down and ask me about my family. I really appreciate it." He smiled warmly.

[Estelle Russard]

Estelle laughed easily at Terran's created image of Sejah, and it felt good to share a light moment, albeit at the Nehanites' expense. Somehow, Estelle knew Sejah would not mind.

"It sounds like you will go and have a good time - both you and Sejah. Dont' worry of things back here at the Order and dont hurry back. I wont expect you before a week. Then, on your return we can continue your training in earnest."

She grew more solemn now, the laughter fading finally.

"Im glad we could have this time to talk also. Each of us draw strength from different places, and that is what we try to pass on to those whom we are entrusted to train. You will do the same when you, too, are someones master. Those who taught you before me had perhaps different focus than I do - and you are fortunate to have a broader platform from which to take their wisdom from.

I have always held the belief that we are the sum of all the things that we have experienced and endured. Everyone contributes to the "whole" us. Friends, family - even foe - contribute to the very person who we are. They help shape us. Though we still have our own will, each of them has an impact to some degree on us.

I owe much of who I am to my family. And to my master, my friends, aquaintances. But, even strangers we pass on the street, - ever think how a beggar on a street corner or a hungry street urchin may elicit a sympathetic chord in your spirit, inspiring you to help? They all influence us in one way or another and we thereby react and act as a result of interaction with them all, no matter how small the exchange may be.

Family is very dear. I know their value. I beleive you do too, Terran. The way you spoke of your brother..I can see you love him. We are lucky, you and I, to have family we care about. Never mistake caring for a weakness."

[imported_Terran Starek]

Terran listened intently, his brow furrowing as he was in thought. Xazor used to think that was cute, when he was in thought--he pushed the memory out of his head as quickly as possible. It reminded him of a question to pose to his new Master.

"I understand, Master," he replied. "But I do have a question. Caring is not a weakness, and I agree. As a Jedi, I have always been compassionate towards those in need. It is a part of me--a part of my heart." He began to think of Xazor, and how things had happened between them.

"However, it seems that caring tends to sway a Jedi's opinion in critical situations. Namely. . ." he stuttered to say it, knowing that she fully recognized this had been a very recent problem in his life. "Namely love. I've done some reading--I've been to a few libraries now to locate texts on love in the life of a Jedi--and I still have yet to understand its place. Is it dangerous by nature, for a Jedi to love? Is it personal?" He paused again, his next statement something very troubling.

"Is it truly the nature of the Force to deny a Jedi the greatest of all human emotions in the pursuit of balance?" Terran had put much thought into these subjects, and he had his own opinions. But he wanted--needed--to hear the thoughts of Estelle. She was his master now, a teacher, a friend, and a mentor.

[Estelle Russard]

"Ah" a smile tugged at the corner of her lips, "the question of the Ages"

She set her teacup down on the table, having emptied it of its tea, and then sat back comfortably in the couch.

"I think that is one of the most grey areas that a Jedi must deal with. Oh, I know it has long been the practice that a Jedi must not love, but in the reality of life, that decree often calls for us to deny, as you so well put it, one of the greatest emotions that we have.

I, too, have thought hard on this question - wanting to avoid doing anything that would steer me away from my true path. And this is what I have settled on--" she paused, being sure to word her thoughts correctly.

"I think it all comes down to priorities. One can love, but must beware not to love too much. It must not be that it causes a Jedi to compromise what he or she knows to be the true way. And herein is the peril and, I think, why our preceding fathers thought it best to forbid it. As you know yourself, emotions are very powerful and can chase all good sense from a persons head. People find they do things they would never, ever imagine themselves doing, in the name of love." Terran shaded a little, though Estelle's comment was just a statement of fact, and not a slight against him. "A Jedi must be a Master of this emotion of love-- and very few are able to claim that strength without fault. It is a choice to allow oneself the luxury of that emotion - but it is also a gamble. Many will agree - it is best not to even enter into such a power struggle."

She finished, almost sadly.

"But I think many of us are too human not to try."

Estelle watched Terran and wondered at what thoughts must be tumbling through his mind. She waited his reply, knowing he would speak from his heart.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"I agree," he responded, emotions bubbling inside of him along with his thoughts on the subject. Estelle had put it eloquently and quite truthfully, and Terran found her words to be insightful. Sadly, though, they were so true, and he found himself with new questions. Could he control his own priorities? Was it a gamble he could chance? Was it a luxury he could afford?

Would he ever be a master of his emotions?

"I think, by nature, it is a personal choice, considering the fact that love is such a personal emotion. No code can dictate how one can feel." He spoke with truth, but he held his own doubts about himself inside. "It's a logical progression: if you love someone or something, you wish to devote more of yourself, feeling more strongly attached to it. In doing so, you must devote less of your time to another thing. So, love does equal sacrifice. Your priorities dictate what you will sacrifice for this emotion, so the answer lies in knowing our priorities." He pondered the thought, rolling it around in his head.

"I guess some people, like you said, have difficulty handling that." His voice nearly exposed a hint of sadness, as though he was referring to his own fault. "Maybe it just takes time for some."

[Estelle Russard]

"And maybe, for some" she added quietly, "it is something to be avoided at all cost." Terran couldn't tell if she was speaking of him or of her own situation - or just further expounding on her own formulated idea. "When there is so much at stake, there is usually a great price to pay and personal desires must take second place to the calling of being a Jedi. "

She looked at him with honest eyes "but I believe, Terran, that you - and I - will know the right thing to do for each of us if that time ever comes."

She spoke with more confidence now, and made it clear that she expected this to be true for him, as much as for her. "Love may come calling, but Duty must always have the last word. Do you understand?"

[imported_Terran Starek]

"Yes, Master, I understand," Terran replied, his head nodding with the same sentiment. He took another sip of his tea and reflected on their conversation for the moment. "You know, not in some prideful manner, I believe you. I believe that I will know." He took a little comfort in that fact.

"You know, I think it would do me some good to put some time into training tonight," he said, his voice in a tone mostly geared for himself. He was thinking aloud. "I haven't swung a lightsaber since the. . .incident." He thought for a moment before continuing.

"Even then, I don't consider it any good to sit on my haunches and sulk. I must keep my training keen, and I would be doing a disservice to my duty and my Order to become weak in my training regiment." He said it with a sense of purpose that really gave him hope. Hope that things could become normal again.

[Estelle Russard]

"Excellent idea!"

Estelle all but leapt from the couch, unfolding herself and launching from where she sat with such a sudden burst that Terran clattered his teacup against the saucer in surprise.

"I'll just get my shoes on"

She was pleased that for all Terran had been through, he still had a strong sense of himself - that his confidence in his own judgement had not been completely shattered. She felt galvanised by his fortitude and suddenly felt very much in the mood to get physical.

She called back to him from inside her room, her voice muffled from her head being shoved deep inside her closet retreiving her shoes, "You have your saber with you...?"

[imported_Terran Starek]

He chuckled to himself at her energy, and he felt anxious to have the oppurtunity to get some physical training in with his new Master. He'd barely picked up his weapon, and when she asked if he had it on him, he realized suddenly that he had been so sworn away from it that he didn't actually carry it with him anymore.

"No, actually, I don't. I'll have to go get it." He stood up, returning the cup and saucer to the sink in good manners. "Shall I meet you somewhere to begin? Perhaps the training center or, for that matter, the courtyard?" He thought that the soft, pale moonlight and some fresh air might do them good. Dusk had overtaken the Coruscant sky, and he figured it would be a beautiful backdrop to a sparring session.

[Estelle Russard]

He was saying something, but being half engulfed by the contents hanging in her closet made hearing difficult. It was surprising the muffling quality of those woven Jedi robes.

"Uh---wha?"

Oh, there it was. One shoe had slipped behind the small shoe-rack and had been hiding from view. Estelle, upon spying it, snatched it up and backed out of the closet.

Terran had remained in the living room, and repeated what he had said, only this time raising his voice in volume, which he duly lowered mid-sentance as Estelle stepped up to her doorway.

She grinned at him, finding his manner funny.

"Ok - Ill be waiting you in the courtyard in twenty minutes."

Terran turned to leave.

"Be ware though - I may ambush you" she warned still smiling with amusement.