To regain my Spirit...(Dasquian)

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali Danner took a place on the ground, she was tired. Exhausted even, after a long workout in the training grounds. Now, she needed a calmness around her that only the gardens could bring.

The brace on her leg, still somewhat disturbed her, but she tried to look past it. Kelt was still constantly on her mind, but she tried to overlook that as well. The young Padawan was still missing something and for the life of her couldn't quite figure it out.

After a few moments in quite meditation, she realized...she wasn't happy with everything that was around her. Her aura was missing everything that Jacali had once been. Her carefree, loving, happy-go-lucky self had disappated and she wanted that back . But no one could just command it back at the drop of a hat or could they?

With a deep breath, Jacali closed her eyes and touched the Force, she called out to the one person she could always count on to be there for her when she needed him. Her master, Dasquian.

Master, can we talk? I'm in the main garden...

[Dasquian Belargic]

No sooner than Jacali had asked, Dasquian arrived. He strode down into the garden, ducking beneath fronds and leaves to where the Padawan was sitting. With a bow of his head in greeting, the Knight sat down and asked:

"What would you like to talk about, Jacali?" As he studied her, he could feel some discomfort within her. His empathy skills were still being honed, however, so he could not determine the source of this unease.

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali nodded a greeting towards him as he entered. It was good to see him especially on such a short notice.

"Master, I thank you for arriving so soon and I hope I've not disturbed you from anything."

She sighed. "I'm...I'm not the same person I was, Master, before the accident. I know that there was a time when I told you that I would do anything to save a life and I did."

Jacali touched the brace on her leg. "But now...I don't know if I could again. Do the same thing...and I am ashamed to say that. It's not that I wouldn't ever not do it again, because I'm sure if I were in the same state of mind that I was in when it happened, there would be no doubt. But, I've lost that part of me, Master and I don't know how to get that back. How does one get past that? I want to be that person I was before."

[Dasquian Belargic]

Dasquian nodded and took a short while to think of what he would say to this.

"I feel as though this is a time for you to learn a lesson in the ways of the Jedi, Jacali. Every species in the galaxy has one thing in common, and that is their own personal motivation for self preservation. It is a feeling with which we are all born. We must survive, conserve our own life, so that we may continue to procreate and support our species, kin and peers.

For you to feel as though you would be wary of putting your life at risk again, after having such an experience as the one you endured, is hardly surprising. There is an old saying that does, once bitten, twice shy – or something to that tune. We learn through trial and error, as you have done. Your mind tells you that you should be wary of further instances such as these.

You must understand, however, that if we were to shy away like this every time something bad happened, we would never live. Not every encounter you have will be a bad one. As you grow stronger, so you will be more able to ensure that a similar outcome does not transpire again. You may feel as though being selfless is impossible, but I am sure of this – when the time comes, there will be no question in your mind as to what is the right thing to do."

[imported_Jacali Danner]

"I want to do the right thing, Master, I truly do. I want to be the Jedi I set out to be so many months ago. I've learned so much, I'm just a bit weary of how my mind will react to something similiar or if my heart will just kick in and take over. My heart is what was reacting that day, my mind just kinda stepped aside. I didn't even have to think about it, it was just a split second decision. But, I'm leary that, that split second decision may be caught up if my mind doesn't step aside so to say."

She bit her lip for a second. "I want to be a good Jedi and do the right thing, but in a way...I feel I've lost my spirit and no one seems to understand what I'm saying."

[Dasquian Belargic]

"Answer me this, then – can you still feel the Force?"

[imported_Jacali Danner]

"Yes...yes, Master. I can..." She understood then, or at least she thought she did. "I think, I understand what you're saying, Master. The Force in a way, is kinda like my spirit and as long as I can feel that...I've not really lost anything?"

[Dasquian Belargic]

"The Force is your spirit – yes, so long as you can feel it, you are as whole as you ever were."

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Her spirit had never left her. That was more than a welcoming thought. Her heart lightened knowing this.

I'm still whole.

What silly thoughts she had when all she really needed was someone to show her that she hadn't really lost anything, but her pride.

"I understand now, Master. I am still that person that I thought had left me. I guess, I'm just not thinking very clear right now. I just get so frustrated sometimes and all the thoughts that I can make it past this, kinda fall apart." She blew out a sigh.

"Kelt is another situation entirely that has me questioning myself constantly."

[Dasquian Belargic]

Dasquian quirked a brow, "Kelt? What do you mean by that?"

[imported_Jacali Danner]

"About a month ago, I slipped and told him that I loved him." She answered, not looking at her master. "I've known that for quite some time. But I never said anything, because I figured he'd run. Much to my own surprise, he told me the same that he loved me too..." Jacali's voice trailed off and she sighed.

She was silent for a few moments. "But, now it seems he's lost that feeling and deep down I think I know why...." She looked at her brace as sadness filled her heart. "I don't think he sees me as who I am anymore, I think all he sees is this brace and that hurts, Master. As much as I try to ignore it, I can't. So, I've begun working out more and more to get rid of it and nothing is helping. I'm not going to be rid of it, it's here to stay. And I've lost Kelt because ot it." She pursed her lips together.

"I can only imagine how pathetic I must sound." She looked at Dasquian, her eyes watery. "You're the first person I've talk to about this and I'm not really sure what to do. Kelt doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore and I think that hurts the most."

[Dasquian Belargic]

"I am sure these new obstacles that have been pitted against you have nothing to do with Kelt's apprehension. I imagine he simply feels cautious towards allowing himself to become immersed in something like this… it is a potentially dangerous area for a Jedi to venture into, and in the days of the Orders foundations it was actually forbidden for Jedi to love. Perhaps Kelt feels as though to embrace these feelings is to go against the way of the Jedi."

Dasquian knew that in the past Kelt had suffered loses and thought that perhaps one reason why he was reluctant was that he did not want to have to feel the same loss and grief again.

[imported_Jacali Danner]

The Padawan sighed deeply at hearing the words of her master. She trusted his guidance and would never question it. "Perhaps, it is time for me to move on then." That, she knew would be easier said than done.

Jacali had fallen hard for the Jedi Knight and just walking away would be very hard.