Loss of Self (Open)

[Sin Vamel]

Tonight, the bar was having a quiet night, not too many seemed interested in downing a few or socializing. The weather was bleak but this place retained it's atmosphere regardless; it was warm and the lighting was nice. The bartender would occassionally grunt in distaste and switch channels on the holoprojector - currently everyone, and by everyone I mean no more than eight people, had to enjoy coverage of last years Pod Racing Grand Prix.

"Hey Bourbon, I missed that - when did they say the next one is starting?" I shouted out casually. I doubt Bourbon is the bartender's real name but it's the one he answers to here; he is a burly man if a little saggy around the gut. He places a glass on the counter behind him and throws a new washrag over his large shoulder. Apparently, the next tournament starts in just over one week, hence the coverage I guess, not that I care but it's good to talk, or so they say.

A jet of smoke blends into the rest of the pale blue haze about my head as I exhale and sigh. A slow night indeed.

[Estelle Russard]

Estelle entered the bar, her face showing some concern, her general appearance a harried one.

As she briskly made her way further into the Bar, she spared a breif nod and a "hello, how are you" for the familiar bartender.

She was a Jedi on a mission and did not have time to chit-chat or watch enthralled at the noisy pod-races. She could take time for that after. She needed to find the book first.

The Jedi crossed to the booth she had sat in earlier that evening. She had stopped in from a shopping trip and ate at the bar, rather than go home to her empty apartment and cook dinner. Which would probably have consisted of a grilled cheese sandwich. She would happily have a month of grilled cheese sandwiches if she could only find the book.

She ducked, and then crouched completely to look under the table of the booth, which thankfully was empty of patrons and Estelle didn't have to look through limbs. But that was where her luck ended. The volume was not there.

She stood, and stomped her foot in annoyance at her own carelessness. It had been a gift from Kazaar. The book itself was of no monetary value - short poems from an obscure writer - but its sentimental value was inestimable. Aurelias was not exactly the poetic type, but he had given her this because he knew she would enjoy it. She treasured it because it was from him, and given from his heart.

It was so very annoying!

She crouched again, crawling right under the table this time and feeling along the seat edges in the dark with her hand. Nothing.

Once more, she got to her feet and looked around the bar feeling momentarily helpless. Think, Estelle. Think

[Sin Vamel]

"Hey lady, you look like you're about to fall to pieces quicker than a second-hand R2 Unit. Anything I can do to help?"

The opportunity was there and I had to take it; there was an attractive young woman standing a few yards away and she looked like she was could do with some assistance. Now I'm probably not the best person to play Good Samaritan and I was definately no Knight in Shining Armour but I knew a catch of the day when I saw one. I maintain my usual air of mellow confidence, it's always worked in the past, and give her my best "How you doin?" smile. At least I've got her attention.

"I don't know what you're looking for but I'm sure stamping your feet isn't going to make the lost item materi-- mater-- appear from thin air." With a hand hidden beneath the table, I slide the book into my bag, open on the seat next to me. My smile doesn't falter, not for a second. "Come and sit with me, I could do with the company."

[Estelle Russard]

Chewing on the end of her thumb wouldn't help the volume appear either, but Estelle was quite unaware that she had even brought it up to her mouth.

She obediently sat beside Sin, not really aware she was doing that either..her mind was off on the miriad of other possibilities of how she may have misplaced the book through her day..

"No" she shook her head, firm in her belief that she had left it here, in the bar. Finally, really focusing on the fellow beside her who was flashing her a sunny smile, she pulled her mind to the present.

"Im sorry, who did you say you were?"

[Sin Vamel]

An airhead. This should be interesting. I couldn't help but laugh.

"You sure don't make it easy on those who want speak to you." I inform the woman through a chuckle. Popping the stim between my lips I extend my hand and mumble through the corner of my mouth not obstructed by a cigarrette.

"The name's Sin. Pleased to meet ya"

[Estelle Russard]

"Me too. To meet you. Pleased, that is."

She sighed and then paused for a breath. Then began again while shaking his hand.

"My name is Estelle and Im pleased to meet you, Sin. I'm not normally this much of an airhead.." co-incidentally using Sin's very thought. "I've lost something important to me and Im afraid Im quite distracted by it.. You haven't seen a book laying around..poety book...have you?"

[Sin Vamel]

Now it's decision time. If I keep the book she may be enticed to stay and look around for it with me or she may go off looking for it elsewhere and if I give it to her she may thank me and either sit with me afterwards for a chat or get up and leave once she'd obtained that for which she'd been looking. I look at her and decide it's best to keep her waiting for now, I doubt she'd want to sit with me once I gave her the book. Besides, I don't even know what poetry is, I can play it dumb. Sin, you're a genius!

"Poetry?" I repeat in a way which suggests I know what she's talking about. With a frown, I shake my head. "Sorry, ain't seen nothing like that around here. What you reading books for anyway? Nothing like a good datapad."

Fishing into my jacket, I toss a datapad down on the table and nod at it proudly. Possibly my most prized possession, next to my blasters of course, and I never let it out of my sight. It comes in handy, I could make notes when I needed or download data onto it from computer terminals or even use it to transmit brief messages to business associates. If I had friends, I'd use it to send messages to them too but then again, all the people I know have little use for a datapad. I point my glowing stim at the little piece of technology, beaming.

"You want to get yourself one of those, Estelle. Top of the range gear, you know. What's with having a book!?"

[Estelle Russard]

"I do have a datapad" she said agreeably, "but I guess a book holds a certain enjoyment for me that a technical readout screen fails to provide. Its a little hard to explain." but she went on to try. "Sometimes I curl up on the couch, and in the quiet of my room, I can be taken away to another place - far from the badness and dispair that sometimes crowds in from the galaxy around us - to a place that is gentle, refined and full of grace."

She realised she must sound a prune.

"But not all books are poetry of course. It doesn't have to be poetry."

At this time, the barman asked if she would like anything to drink. The night was waring on, and she didn't know where else to look for the book. Perhaps back at her apartment at the Order..She hadn't looked that thorough there as she was certain the Bar was where she'd lost it. She would head home next. But a cup of tea to see her off would be a good plan.

"A tea would be nice, thanks"

She returned to speaking to Sin once more hoping to make up for some of her ill manners of earlier.

"What do you do Sin? Do you work around here?"

[Sin Vamel]

"Nah, I don't work around here. I do live here though." I answerd honestly before sucking on my cigarette and glancing back at the large holo-screen across the room. More pod racing. Suddenly, I half-choke on the smoke in my throat as it dawns on me that I'd forgotten to mention what had happened to me yesterday. "Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I was accepted at the Jedi Order yesterday so it looks like I'm gonna be a Jedi now."

At this I sit up straight with an air of importance and authority, recovering some of my lost dignity from coughing up a lungs worth of smoke. All I have to offer Estelle at the moment is some company and a smile; she will get her book back later but right now it's the key to her attention and I can't give up my advantage now. That would make me look stupid.

"So I got this whole new future ahead of me, I guess." I muse off-handedly and catch Estelle's eye and continue the discussion in a vain attempt to drown that feeling I have in my stomach; it feels a bit like guilt but it can't be. No way.

"What about you? What's a girl like you doing hanging around here?" I look around and laugh a little. "I mean you're too pretty to be a waitress or a Jedi."

[Estelle Russard]

The lift of one eyebrow embodied her question of "you're not trying to flirt with me, are you?" and the smile that tugged at the corner of her mouth showed she'd answered it herself.

"I am a Jedi of the Order, yes" she said. "You will find that prettiness has very little to do with the Code of a Jedi." Her tone remained light. " But charm...well that will help you a great deal" she grinned.

Waving a little of the smoke that had drifted over to her, she then stirred into the cup of tea that the barkeep had just placed infront of her, one healthy spoonful of sugar.

"I am happy to hear that you will be studying at the Academy. How is it that you found your way to us?"

[Sin Vamel]

Right now, my cheeks were tingling and I could feel the pink burning of embarrassment on my face; I hate that about me, I must be the only gangster who blushes. At least I don't light up like a tomato but a little pink is too much pink so I look down and take some time to return my datapad to my pocket to hide my face as best I can. That feels better.

"Well, it's a little difficult--" I begin awkwardly, sharing my lifestory isn't something I class as easy particularly when half of what I'm about to tell her is a lie. But at least I'm only a half liar.

"I've came to the Order to start afresh." I say and sigh, taking a long pause before going on. "You see, a new life as a Jedi will guarantee that I don't fall back into my old habits and can help people, like myself, to turn over a new leaf and turn away from the lives they currently lead."

She's looking at me with the same look of confusion as Wei and my roommate. And now a little irritated at my own discomfort, I light up a freshly rolled stim.

"I was a criminal, okay?" I say shortly, shoving the stim between my lips and speaking out of the corner of my mouth. "It's a long story. What's your excuse?"

[Estelle Russard]

"Its ok" she says, leaning forward and using a conspiratorially low voice, "..one of my best friends is a criminal."

She then sits back, returning to the propriatory space between them.

"That is a noble ideal-wanting to help people."

Though the statement sounded a tad sarcastic, Sin realised that it was not meant to be in any way. "It is much the same reasons I came. I wanted my life to count" she turned her clear bright eyes on him, "To make a difference. Its easy to be a bad person, to take the road that is self-serving. The life of a Jedi takes great courage" she finished, unwittingly driving in the conviction like a knife to Vamels chest, "you should be very proud of the choice you have made."

[Sin Vamel]

There's that nasty feeling in my stomach again. At each of Estelle's words I grew less patient and happy in her company, it was almost like she was trying to exorcise any remaining bit of outlaw left in me by taking me for a ride on the old guilt wagon. Well it wasn't going to work; it takes more than sugary words and a pretty face to twist my arm. I answer her nonetheless, got to live up to this Jedi image after all.

"Yeah, I know. And I am. It's a little unnerving though, on this side of the tracks I mean but I'm lucky to have run into some great people, really friendly. In the world I grew up in, there was nothing like that and I didn't really know any different until yesterday." Speaking in my off-handed, casual way, I can't help but think how well I am changing the subject and making good conversation at the same time. This place must be having a good influence on me.

"So you say one of your friends is an outlaw?" I ask with interest, leaning forward in the same conspiratorial manner as Estelle had done before. I smile, happy to be closer to Estelle; she smells sweet. "I bet you must've met all kinds of characters then. And I bet none of them were friendly either, right?"

[Estelle Russard]

"Quite the contary" Estelle answered truthfully, "some of the worst criminals were very friendly and congenial. Wonderful manners."

Her minds eye summoned Kimiiki Crei, the albino crime lord who not once, but twice, almost killed Estelle and Kazaar - and did so all the while keeping a magnanimous manner about himself. She shuddered at the horrid memory.

"But it isnt long before their true nature's surface."

The memory brought a solemn mood to the Jedi Knight. It reminded her once more of Aurelias and how special he was to her. And the loss of the book chafed once again.

Trying to shake the disappointed feeling off, she pulled her cup toward her. Sighing a little, the tea had gone cold without her taking even a sip.

Turning to Sin, she apologised.

"Im sorry - Im terrible company. I should take myself off home."

[Sin Vamel]

"No, wait! Please stay!" I blurt out suddenly, louder than I had expected too and with a tad too much enthusiasm. I'd came out of my seat a little and extended my hand, gesturing for her to remain seated. The urgency in my voice turned my stomach, I'd never sounded so desperate; what's happening to me here? I shake my head and came to my senses, sitting down once again. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like such an idiot then. It just happens sometimes when--"

"Anyway!" I quickly recover from my waffling, trying to right myself in spite of the pink in my cheeks. I smile in an attempt to recover a shred of confidence. "What I mean is you're wrong; I really like your company and I don't want you to go. Stay, the next tea is on me."

I wink at her in that conspiratorial manner and call over to Bourbon and order another tea for Estelle, smiling. "I'd like to know more about you."

[Estelle Russard]

The outburst startled her a little, and she blinked at him while he recovered himself to calm again. She marveled as he still managed to finish up with her back on the chair and him smiling and winking at her, a fresh cup of tea on the way.

She will have to watch this one, she mused, smiling inwardly. He was very likeable, in that illogical head-spinning kind of way, but something about him tugged at her. She sensed a conflict within him. But then...didn't everyone have conflict? Not many that passed into the haven of the GJO arrived unscathed or unabused by the galaxy they wished to better.

By his own admission, Sin had lead a wayward life of crime - that alone brought with it all kinds of baggage. Perhaps thats all it was. His new lifechoice would take a lot of getting used to. It would take time for him to find his way. As it had for her.

"Alright - I'll stay and hopefully have more success with the tea. And try not to bore you with my life story. Is there anything in particular you'd like to know?"

[Sin Vamel]

Success, I tell myself with satisfaction ingrained into my face. Behind me, my seat becomes suddenly much more comfortable as I ease back into it with my recovered confidence. Enjoying the company of an attractive lady was always quite an ego boost and you would be a fool to a) neglect the opportunity for such an ego boost and b) especially when the lady is this attractive. I just can't help myself.

"Oh, you know, the usual." I answer nonchalantly with a casual wave of my hand, praying that it wasn't too limp wristed a wave. Was it? No, it wasn't. Phew. "Where do you come from? Where did you grow up? Are you single? Are you busy tonight?"

I allow each question to roll off easily and with each one the smile on my face grows until I'm staring at Estelle wearing my cheekiest smile. Maybe she'll laugh at me or maybe she'll run away; but heck, was she worth it.

[Estelle Russard]

Estelle's mind skipped with each successive question that Sin shot her, unable to fully formulate an answer before being pressed to discard that train of thought and pick up a new one as the questions kept coming.

By the time it clicked to mind that he was back to flirting - if he'd ever really veered from that endeavour - she was reduced to blinking and smiling with her mouth working open, forming half-constructed replies.

All she could do was laugh, anything else would just be a jumble.

His smile and happy mood were infectious.

"You really are working hard to cheer me up aren't you"

[Sin Vamel]

"Well, there's just something about that smile." I begin with an amused smirk, pointing at her face with the lit stim between my fingers. Then I quickly plant it in my teeth once more, grinning. Then I suck on the glowing cigarette and after a slight exhale, I continue.

"You should do it more often." I laugh a little, more relaxed than before in Estelle's comapny and completely forgetting about her book dilemma, I lean back comfortably in my seat with a sigh. All the while, I keep my eyes fixed on the Jedi, relishing her attractiveness and studying every character trait with insatiable curiosity.

"So shameless flirtation aside--" Right now, I'm finding it difficult to not beam with pride at my use of big words, perhaps Estelle's intelligence is rubbing off on me or something. "Let's get back to the basics. Where are you from?"

[Estelle Russard]

"Tr' Nuva - you heard of it?"


She sipped her tea, while Sin looked back at her with a vagueness that suggested he hadn't. So she went on to explain.

"Its sort of a back-water planet. Rural, lots of farming. Kind of a red dot on a roadmap type place. Im a farm-girl at heart, but I found the great ambition of being some farmer's wife and the mother of a passell of children did not exactly excite me. Im afraid I grew quite idealistic and left home to join the Order.

I have never looked back" she ended simply.

"I think I found my true path in life. Guess that sounds a little cliche to you" she said, feeling suddenly self-conscious under Sin's gaze.

[Sin Vamel]

"No, I don't think it sounds cliché at all, Estelle." I reply almost soothinigly and with a seriousness uncharacteristic of myself, then I break into a smile and add teasingly: "I'd say it sounds more goofy than cliché."

Then catching Estelle's look, I sit back in my chair and raise my open hands defensively, my amusedixed. "Sorry! Sorry! Just kidding."

A brief laugh then I add, quite naturally, "And you shouldn't ever look back. You're too special to be just another farm-girl."

Silenced with sudden realisation at what I said, I hold back the blushing and after clearing my throat, add quickly, "You know, being able to use the Force and all. So what do you think of the Jedi life? How's it been so far?"

[Estelle Russard]

"Thankyou" she said quietly, looking quite candidly at Sin as the blush came into his face and he quickly moved on to the next topic. When Sin let the swagger and cocky banter that he seemed so comfortable in, slip on occasion, Estelle glimpsed his natural and uncontrived charm. She thought how easy he was to like.

"The Jedi life has been all that I expected, and nothing I expected" she said. "I have experienced some very hard things, harder than I would have ever known or done back on Tr' Nuva. But I am becoming the person I wanted to be and I am proud of that. It is rewarding and satisfying. And...." she slowed, self-conscious, ".....I'm being kind of preachy...Sorry - curse of the Jedi zenness in me, I guess" she tried to joke it off.

Ahrg.

She sipped her tea.

"Anyway, short answer - I am happy to be here."

Another sip.

"What brings you to Yog's tonight? Are you meeting someone?"