Rant(Updated 12/5/03)

[Zatania Duvall]

Alright, I have to blow off some steam without hurting someone irl so this is the best way to do it. I tend to be too nice to say anything to anyone about whats really bothering me in real life, but I have no trouble saying it online(which sucks cuz I get stepped on all the time irl where it matters most).

Anyways, I just moved as most of you know. When I moved here, my friend kept telling me how much things would change cuz I grew up a "Cinderella" kind of life. I always had to do the cleaning and everything while my brother sat on his butt and did nothing.

Well that was a lie. Now she ends up telling me I'm lazy and throwing out everything common sense. It's agreed that whoever cooks doesnt do the dishes right? Well thats bullcrap here. I end up having to do them and I cook almost every night. I love cooking but it's got to the point where I dread cooking sometimes. I once dreamed of becoming a chef but now I don't want to anymore cuz it's a chore.

She blames me for everything that happens thats dirty when she's a pig herself. She eats a LOT and doesnt care if it's something I paid for and specifically said was mine(like the simple pleasures of ice cream or candy. I wouldn't deny her healthy food I paid for, but my junk food is mine demmit).

Right now there are tons of dishes in the sink because she didnt do a lot of her own. She's telling me thatt they're mine and since I have a day off that I should do them. Some of them are mine only because I cooked last night, but not all of them are mine. The majority isnt. Heck, I have been trying to refrain from eating as much so I could avoid doing so many dishes.

The floor got filthy last night because of her stupid fish tank. When she was trying to "clean" the filter, she got these little black pieces of carbon all over the place. I wasn't about to clean up her crap so I told her why the floor was dirty. Thats the only reason why she cleaned that.

Her stupid cat(and I love cats but this one is the devil) has broke a ton of my things so I requested that she and my bf keep the door shut to the bedroom. Neither of them do so and now a lot of my things are broken or missing. Stupid cat.

Plus she doesn't pay that much for groceries. Sure she doesnt get as many hours at work as I do, but it's only fair if she'd at least make up for it by cleaning. I hate having to spend MY days off from my full time schedule to clean up after her and her stupid cat.

I'd move out, but its an expensive town and I'd never make it on my own. I'm seriously considering asking my bf if he'd like to move out. I'm at the point where I dont care what happens to my former friend because she lied to me to get me to move down here. I feel so used.

This place is such a dump too. We pay $690 a month for a roof that leaks and noisy foreign neighbors that are creepy. And it's a one bedroom apartment so it's far too small for three people.

Living on your own sucks. Anybody who's still a minor, cling to your parents for a little longer... enjoy being nutured now cuz life sucks.

End rant. Thanks for listening to me gripe.

[Tear]

Smack her.

Sounds like she grew up kinda spoiled having people clean up after her most of the time and she just expects it now. Or maybe it was the other way around she had to clean up all the time and now that no one is forcing her to clean she doesnt..

OR..shes just lazy..then refer to the "smack her".

Best bet i could suggest is try sitting down and establishing some rules write them down and stick them on the fridge. Tell her your serious about it and that if things keep up your going to be force to move out.

[Charley]

Begin looking for another roommate

[Zatania Duvall]

I tried and even my bf isn't on my side with this sadly(and I dont see why). I do his dishes sometimes cuz I don't mind doing it for him once in a while cuz I love him. But other people can kiss my butt cuz I dont have to clean up after them.

This has been going on for a few months now and it has me totally stressed out and depressed. I'm supposed to be on medication for my depression, but I just can't afford it. So this stress is magnifyed ten times than it would be for a normal person.

Like I said, though, I'm too nice so smacking her is out of the question. I have felt like it, but I can't bring myself to do it. She's going to be gone for two weeks this Christmas and I'm looking forward to it a lot cuz I dont have to listen to her complaining constantly about stuff that doesnt matter. I'd give anything if my problems revolved around homework and anime instead of what I have to put up with.


Begin looking for another roommate

I dont know too many people here to trust living with them. I moved away more than 1000 miles. But I think my bf and I might be able to handle moving out on our own, but I havent talked to him about it. I think he might feel too guilty about just leaving the lazy little cry baby all by herself.

[Tear]

Hrm...I dunno what to say that might help you other then what charley said..

Try to not let it stress you out though. I know it can be bad at times but its only one lil span of time in your life and evetually youll have moved on and itll just be a memory.

In the mean time..id scan the newspapers and keep my ears open about people looking for roomates and the like..never know the perfect situation might fall onto your lap.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

If your boyfriend isn't on your side then you need to look for a new roommate and a new boyfriend.

[Charley]

Originally posted by Lilaena De'Ville
If your boyfriend isn't on your side then you need to look for a new roommate and a new boyfriend.

So you're one of those "MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY" type of girlfriends?

Good grief.

Moving away from him also, maybe. I think its a death-wish for couples to live together anyway.

But breaking up because he disagrees with you? Isn't that a bit authoritarian. You're going to lose any quality partner you find who has a spine and speaks his mind.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

Okay okay, so that was a bit harsh. In her situation though, with all the stress and stuff, you think that a guy who loved you would help clean up and do some of the dishes too.

[Zatania Duvall]

At points I have felt like leaving him but I'm not going to dump him for silly reasons. The only way I'd ever dump him is if he cheated on me.

But yeah, I would like him to help clean once in a while. But I was stupid and told him I'd handle it for him a while back when I was still totally head over heels first fallen in love. >.<

[Charley]

Have you taken time to address your changing situation with him.

Don't rely on him to intuitively pick up on your unsaid wishes. I can't stand girls who do that. We're straightforward. Talk to us, draw a picture, or put it in writing. Don't sigh and and tell us nothing's wrong, and then cry one night for no reason.

[Zatania Duvall]

I've told him several times. Heck I even asked him to do the dishes one night and he acted like he didn't hear me.

[Pierce Tondry]

In general, I don't feel personal rants are something that belong in the General OOC forum, ergo my remarks here will be brief and this will be my only post in this thread, barring something unforeseen and major developing. If anything I say strikes you, feel free to holler at me via PM or AIM.

I read into your remarks that you have trouble asserting yourself directly. That seems to be the cause of a lot of your problems, and I personally think several of the problems you mentioned could have been prevented if you'd been more wary.

As a temporary measure, I would suggest a clear division of responsibility- keep your own clothes in a pile and don't wash any of hers, clean dishes you use immediately after using them, divvy the fridge into two sides, yours and hers, and so on.


Living on your own sucks. Anybody who's still a minor, cling to your parents for a little longer... enjoy being nutured now cuz life sucks.

Don't knock living on your own because your situation is bad right now. I am having major problems with my father at the moment, in large part because I do still live at home.


At points I have felt like leaving him but I'm not going to dump him for silly reasons. The only way I'd ever dump him is if he cheated on me.

Diverging personality traits are not silly reasons to end a relationship. Ideally whoever you are with should hold important most of the same things you do. Clearly, cleanliness is important to you and if this situation is not resolved to your satisfaction, you will likely end up with a string of preventable arguments down the road that could end the relationship later rather than sooner.

[Daiquiri Van-Derveld]

If hes not on your side, dump him! Trust me, I know whats its like living with a man who doesnt know the meaning of the word loyalty and will screw you over at the drop of a hat for the rest of his family.

If hes not standing with you now, he wont in the future. To the curb!!

And lose the friend.

[Charley]

I'm sorry, but what fairy tale world do you live in where couples always agree? Thats ridiculous to ask for and demand.

[Ceres Duvall]

Originally posted by Agent Charley
I'm sorry, but what fairy tale world do you live in where couples always agree? Thats ridiculous to ask for and demand.

I do agree on that with you but there is a point where there are too many differences. I'm beginning to wonder if thats the case with us but I'd rather let things ride out until I'm sure about this. I'd hate to make a mistake.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

There's a difference between the fairytale of couples always agreeing, and couples who are on each other's side. If I can't count on a guy to be in my corner and back me up when (and if Zatania is telling the truth this is the case) I'm clearly being wronged by someone else, then when *is* he going to back me up?

[Daiquiri Van-Derveld]

You said it, LD! Couples disagree and thats just how it is but if he wont even back her up on her wishes - keeping her bedroom door shut so her possessions wont get broken - then when will he?

And shes worried that he'll feel bad for the roommate?? Please! Lose them both!

[Hart]

Just talk to her at a random moment about it. Not when you're pissed at one another about something, or you want something. How about a night out at a restaurant and set up some ground rules. It shouldn't just be assumed she knows about the "whoever cooks doesn't need to do the dishes"-rule.

[Dae Jinn]

Put a lock on your door if you don't want the cat getting in and breaking your things. You can put your non-fridge food in there too (especially snacks!)
Sit your room-mate (and your BF and who-ever else lives there) and make up some house rules. My sister lived in a house with 5-6 other students, and they all had to pitch in with the chores.
If someone doesn't do their share of the work, charge them $5. And, don't be afraid to say something when stuff is bothering you.

[Daiquiri Van-Derveld]

I tend to be 'reactionary' about things that really rub me the wrong way....and this is one of them :(

Both Hart and Dae, Tear and Charley offered good advice and you should listen. Rules definitely have to be made and you must stick to your guns on them! Good luck :)

[Dan the Man]

I'm just more apt to be frank on things and maybe I butt heads with people (including my significant others) more often.

Its the jerk in me :)

[Figrin D'an]

Originally posted by Hart
Just talk to her at a random moment about it. Not when you're pissed at one another about something, or you want something. How about a night out at a restaurant and set up some ground rules. It shouldn't just be assumed she knows about the "whoever cooks doesn't need to do the dishes"-rule.


Originally posted by Dae Jinn
Sit your room-mate (and your BF and who-ever else lives there) and make up some house rules. My sister lived in a house with 5-6 other students, and they all had to pitch in with the chores.



These are essentially what I would recommend. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same built-in "chore code" that some of us do. It's vital that, whenever you move in with someone, even if it's your best friend, you establish basic ground rules. I did this all throughout college, and it worked well. It's tougher to do this once a bad precident has been set, because no one likes to admit they're wrong in such situations and be forced to break out of a cycle of laziness. But, it will have to be done if you are to salvage the situation.

Start simple... request that your friend clean up after her pets and keep them out of your room. They are her's, afterall, and are therefore her responsibility. Tell your friend and your boyfriend that you need help handling meal preparation and cleaning. If need be, set up a chart with household chores that you can display in the kitchen, with rotating jobs for things like cooking, dish washing, laundry, general cleaning, etc. Give them an opportunity to contribute under this structured system, in which jobs are clearly labeled and spelled out. If, after a trial period, this doesn't appear to be working, then it's time to employ a "look out for yourself" policy. Cook for yourself, do your own dishes, keep your own area clean, separate you stuff from theirs, and let them completely fend for themselves for a while. If they question you about it, be straight forward about your reasoning... that because they didn't see fit to do their chores, you've decided that it's only fair that each person handle their own self-sustaining tasks. It's likely that they'll get the message, and they'll be more willing to help out once they realize how tedious and time consuming it can be to handle all those jobs individually, day in and day out.

You have to be committed to these ideas for them to work, though. If you waver at all, or start to pick up the slack for either of them, things will just regress back to the status quo. It ultimately comes down to communication, and determining to what type of communication both your boyfriend and your friend will respond.

[Zorah Densen]

Rotating is a wonderful idea, Figrin. I have my daughters rotate in their main weekly chores: One week for kitchen duty and the following week is cleaning their bathroom and for both every week, they are responsible for their bedrooms and for putting away laundry :)

[Charley]

^^^^
We do that at my fraternity. Each room is responsible for cleaning the kitchen top-to-bottom two weeks a semester. Has to be done by Friday at 6 PM, or disciplinary action can be taken, including fining each member up to $35.

Suprisingly effective :cool

[Master Yoghurt]

Do what Figrin said. If that does not work, and they won't listen to reason, its time to enter demonstration/boicot/capitalist bastard mode. Refuse to wash their dishes, unless they are willing to toss in some :5bux's. Learning to say 'no' is a very good thing. Don't cook their food, just make your own food. Once they start to get hungry, watch them run to the groceries and juggle some kitchen utensils real quick.. :evil

[Joe Littrell]

3 people in a one Bedroom? Did I read that right? Wow and I thought door rooms where cramped...

I don't know your parents situation and it's not really any of my business, but unless they are abusive why move out? If the situations is just because you and your parents have had a disagreement, swallow your pride and go back home. Most parents would be thrilled and it would show them a maturity of realizing that your too young to be out on your own.

Again I don't know your whole situation, age, parents background and what not.

As for the boyfriend. There is a difference between having a spine and being a mooch. I have a spine, GF says lets go see "Down with Love" I say "You're as mad as a hatter woman, we're watching the Terminator Marathon" That's having a spine.

My gf cooking me dinner, doing the dishes buying me food without me even offering to help in any of the above even after being asked = mooch

Here again I don't know you're entire situation (a prerequisite for good advice) but if you want stabs in the dark by perfect strangers that's my two cents

[Zatania Duvall]

We share the room, so thats why the door doesnt stay shut. I'm beginning to think I should plot the cat's kidnapping or murder. Flush it down the toilet like my mom did my fish..

I'm not too young to be out on my own. I'm 20 in December, and I haven't been going to college so I'd feel like a mooch if I went home to mom. Plus she doesnt have the room. My brother still lives with her and my older sister is going to be with her for a few months with the baby cuz her husband is overseas in Iraq, They're in a two bedroom apartment.

The main reason I dont want to leave is because of my job. I actually like it and if I up and leave I'll never get a good job like it again. I'll get stuck working at McDonalds or Wendy's again cuz there isn't one of my stores up there in NY.

Also, my mom keeps telling me to move back up and live in the apartments near my other sister who I totally detest more than my room mate. She's annoying and would constantly come over everyday to see me. Plus even more annoying is the childhood enemy of mine that married my cousin lives there. With something like that hanging over my head, my mom's lucky if I even visit. Thats one good way to chase me away. Living conditions then would be worse cuz those apartments are gross.

I tried to start not making dinner for them last night, but when I got home, the door was locked so I couldn't make dinner period. By time they got home I had to go to bed, I'd been locked out for hours and I have to go to work in a little while so I woke up really early to get ready. They'd gone out to eat so threatening not to make dinner last night would have been pointless.

It really irritated me that they went without me. They claimed that they went to my work to find me, but I wasnt there. Duh, cuz I was home right? Any good person would have went home to see. I dont know how dumb they could have been to think I actually had a key cuz my bf has it. We share it cuz the stupid office wont give us another unless we pay for it. In a way it kind of makes me think something's going on.

[Daiquiri Van-Derveld]

Pay for a key for yourself...it cant be that expensive. And your last statement is the same thing I was thinking....sorry.

[Dae Jinn]

I'm sorry, but get the hell out of there! right now! Start looking into finding someplace else, because that is just retarded.
I really don't know you that well (but you seem like a very nice person), but no-one deserves to be treated like that ever.

I'm sure they have low-income housing or someplace that can help you, like the YWCA or something. When I first moved out, I lived in the low-rent apartments that they (YWCA) run where I used to live, and it was nice (as in, clean, furnished, and safe). I just hope you gave your BF and roomie a good talking to when they got back. :\

[Ileya Simone]

I totally agree w/ Dae Jinn on this. GET OUT! It just seems like things will only get worse, especially three people to one bedroom. You deserve better. Way better!

*huggles*

[Ryla Relvinian]

And if you can't get out, then please learn to stand up for yourself.

I mean that in the best possible way.

You live in a toxic situation, with toxic, needy people living with you who have absolutely no regard for your feelings, wants and needs... hell, even for your rights as a person. (And yes, I am including your boyfriend in this mix.) Stand up for yourself, tell people what you feel when they do things to you. Phrase it like this:

"Roomate, when you leave your dishes for me to do, I feel used. I want you to take responsibility for your things, and I will take responsibility for mine."

Don't make it accusatory, but honestly, don't be afraid to say that something that someone is doing is exasperating your depression. This is not the best that life has to offer, and if you honestly can't move out, or can't find another place, then stand up for yourself. I mean, worst case senario, they don't change. At least the power is in your hands and not them. Best case, they are so annoyed by you that they leave. Voila! Problem solved! :)

Remember: Nobody can take advantage of you without your consent.

[Dae Jinn]

Originally posted by Ryla Relvinian
And if you can't get out, then please learn to stand up for yourself.

I mean that in the best possible way.

You live in a toxic situation, with toxic, needy people living with you who have absolutely no regard for your feelings, wants and needs... hell, even for your rights as a person. (And yes, I am including your boyfriend in this mix.) Stand up for yourself, tell people what you feel when they do things to you. Phrase it like this:

"Roomate, when you leave your dishes for me to do, I feel used. I want you to take responsibility for your things, and I will take responsibility for mine."

Don't make it accusatory, but honestly, don't be afraid to say that something that someone is doing is exasperating your depression. This is not the best that life has to offer, and if you honestly can't move out, or can't find another place, then stand up for yourself. I mean, worst case senario, they don't change. At least the power is in your hands and not them. Best case, they are so annoyed by you that they leave. Voila! Problem solved! :)

Remember: Nobody can take advantage of you without your consent.

^^^ Great advice.

[Tear]

:( Im not even sure what to say about this all the advice has been given. All you can do now is decide which advice to take..

But remember you dont live for others needs. You live for your own. Do what makes you happy not what you think will make others happy. Theres a path for everything in life some paths are just harder to see...im positive theres a way for you to move out on your own/ keep your job etc. You just gotta find it:)

and Wooo! December Birthday! Im turning 20 in December too:p on the 19th

[Master Yoghurt]

Good grief, those 2 sound more like they could be starring in the Ricky Lake Show by the minute. Going out on dinner without you having the appartment key was 1. really retarded and 2. inconciderate. Don't you guys have cell phones? And yes, I would also be wondering if something was going on.. o_O

[Zatania Duvall]

Yeah I have a cell phone but I forgot it in the apartment. ~.~ But they didnt even bother calling it anyways. I can tell if I missed any calls on it.

I've tried talking to them about it and it hasnt worked. So I'm just going to give them a taste of their own medicine by being verbally rude to them. Like my room mate was griping about "my dishes" again and I said "You know d*mn well those aren't mine. And I'll do MINE when I want to."

Lately I've been getting a lot of praise at work so thats helping me from getting so depressed. Might be getting a raise sometime after the holidays cuz they've been talking about making me a key holder. :D:D:D:D So this has my spirits up.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

Yay for being a keyholder! D'ya work in retail?

I echo Ryla's advice, I think what she said was pretty sound. We Saggitarius' have to stick together! My birthday is on the 6th (I'm going to be 24?? :eek).

[Ryla Relvinian]

And another thought, which I remembered at work today:

Buy a footlocker/chest/box that you can lock, and do so. Invest in a mini-fridge in your room, also locked. (yes, they make those) and, if possible, lock your own bedroom.

:)

[Sheyleigh Castille]

Er, don't resort to being verbally rude to them. 1. they aren't worth the wasted energy or breath necessary to do it and 2. Why stoop to their low level?

Plain and simple: Take care of yourself, those two can fend for themselves and get out when you can.

Oh yeah, find a new boy-toy :)

[Silus Xilarian]

I dont think shes stooping to their level by being rude, shes simply venting her frustrations toward deserving subjects.

Get out seems to be the best advice ive seen so far, given what ive read. The worst thing you can do is feel trapped. If you feel like your trapped in your current situation, its just going to be one more thing factoring into whatever grief and/or depression you've been through so far.

If I were in your situation, I would take time on my lunch break at work to look for a new place to stay. Its best not to do so in front of your roommate or boyfriend, because that will only give them opportunity to talk you out of it, so they can repeat the process all over again. In the meantime, just shrug them off whenever they give you crap. If your 'friend' complains that you havent cooked, simply tell her you stopped for food on the way home. If she complains about the dishes, a simple ok should stave her off nicely. If it doesnt, look at her, make direct eye contact and give a polite but firm 'ok'. If she hangs around any longer, theres a decent chance of an arguement ahead, which you should be more than prepared for.

After you've found a nice affordable place (this includes checking it out in person) Calmly tell them out of the blue that you're moving out. It should catch them nice and offguard, which is good for either walking out with a smile, or calmly working things out.

EDIT: The thing with your boyfriend acting like he didnt hear you is the oldest trick in the book, but its a trick a person wouldnt pull if they didnt think they could get away with it. Obviously hes pretty aware that you arent the confrontational type....Next time, either tap him on the shoulder, or get in front of him and make eye contact. If his reply is "ok" then come back with something like "Ok yeah, so get to it"

[Ceres Duvall]

Well, here's an update. I was about to break up with him when he got home from work but I just recieved an email from him. The coward broke up with me through an email. I'm more ticked off than sad because thats so wrong to do. You do it to the person's face for God sakes.

But the main reason I'm not sad is because I already found someone else. Which was why I was going to break up with him. Thanks for your advice everyone, I'm glad I won't be living miserably for the rest of my life. Once my new relationship has got serious I'll be moving out.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

:hug Good luck on getting on with the rest of your life! Hooray for new starts. :)

[ReaperFett]

Good for you!

[Ceres Duvall]

:hug Thankies. I'm going to listen to friends more often cuz I could have saved myself a lot of wasted time if I had listened in the first place. A lot of people warned me about him. >_<