No Charley, what did you REALLY think of Master & Commander?

[Charley]

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING COCKTEASE ON FILM!

I'm fairly convinced that the only way a movie can rip you off any harder is if they make a Batman sequel and instead of Batman, its actually Captain Planet.

BTW, thanks for the environmentalist dogma every 3 lines. After 10 minutes, I wanted to jump in the movie, draw a blunderbuss and fucking murder Doctor Stephen properly!

LOL I'M COOL LIKE DARWIN OMG LETS GO TO THE GALAPAGOS AND SEE ANIMALS, OMG CAPTAIN CROWE WHY U WANNA FIGHT NAPOLEON R U RACIST MAN DON'T H8 LETS GO PUT IGUANAS IN A CAGE SO THE KING CAN STICK HIS SCEPTER IN MY POOPER IN A CEREMONIAL CONGRATULATION FOR WASTING THE RESOURCES OF THE HMS FUCK-YOU AND NOT TOTALLY EXPLODING THE FRENCH-AMERICAN SUPERSHIP.

Sorry, did I give too much of the plot. Yeah, that's about it.

Interesting they don't show this fascinating animal scavenger hunt in the previews. Very interesting. The audiences would be glued to the edge of their seat while Doctor Steven goes galavanting about with Pippin the Hobbit in order to find the mysterious flightless Cormorant. HOW GRIPPING! OH THE EXCITEMENT!

MUCH BETTER THAN ACTION! IF YOU DON'T LOVE NATURE, YOU MUST BE AN EVIL CORPORATION.

So what does the environmentalist propaganda have to do with anything? It serves for one tiny scene in which Captain Crowe derives cunning inspiration in a fight that while impressive to look at, doesn't solve a fucking thing. Why not? Because you think the movie is over, and then something happens, and then WHAM! They slam the door in your face and roll the credits.

What?

Thats right, there is no ending at all. Captain Crowe and his sissy band of teenage sycophants sail after the French vessel, who presumably have risen up and killed the other brits who boarded her. I'm really not sure what happened, because this important tidbit seemed to have been left on the cutting room floor.

So that actually makes this movie worse than The Time Machine, which I thought was a monumental shitpile on film for flubbing an ending. Master of Commander fucks up the ending, but on top of that, has a mediocre movie at best running before it.

Here's the scoop. Don't pay to see this. Catch it in a year on HBO or whatever. Enjoy the witty dialogue, british humor, strategy, and action. Ignore the rest. Mute the TV when Doctor Stephen Faggypants starts preaching a la Darwin, and go make a sandwich or something.

I want Dr. Stephen to fight Jar Jar, Jake Lloyd Anakin, the Two-headed announcer, Neo, everybody who made the Shipping News. and Arwen in hell, in a tub of acid, with hand grenades, battling to the death. I hate him that much.

He ruined a Crowe movie, which is kinda like a bit of ice sinking the Titanic. Unbelievable.

[Master Yoghurt]

Whoa! Thanks for the warning! I will avoid this movie <img src=http://www.thegjo.com/smileys/run.gif>

[imported_Terran Starek]

Yeah, no kiddin! I was phsyched, too! I figure, if Charley's dissin Crowe, there's gotta be a dang good reason to do it! :)

[Dasquian Belargic]

Ha, I knew this would suck. My spider sense was on overload, and for once it didn't fail me :smokin

[Charley]

Originally posted by Terran Starek
Yeah, no kiddin! I was phsyched, too! I figure, if Charley's dissin Crowe, there's gotta be a dang good reason to do it! :)

Considering that every single one of his previous movies have been fantastic, this is a shocker. I didn't know he was capable of making bad movies.

[Morgan Evanar]

Damn, thats a panning. I was interested but I wouldn't go to see preachy environmentalism in the 1800s.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

:uhoh

My boyfriend wants to see it. I want to see Looney Toons. But then, I think he's still convinced about the "Crowe movies cannot be horrid."

[Ryla Relvinian]

He'll learn. They allll learn, in time. ;) I didn't really want to see this to begin with, but now I really don't.

[Morgan Evanar]

You have Crowe fanboy above saying it ate ass.

[JMK]

Here's what made my Master & Commander experience a good one:

I guessed at the number of unpopped kernels that were at the bottom of my bag. But along the way I had a lot of inner monologue on what defined an 'unpopped kernel'. Was a partially popped kernel considered edible as a real piece of popcorn, or because it didn't become a real fully popped kernel could I count it as one of those derelict unpopped bastards. I finally came to the conclusion that if I could crunch it without chipping a tooth, it was edible and did NOT count toward the final tally of unpopped kernels.

See how boring that was? Master and Commander is about that boring. Possibly even more boring.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

....


that's pretty bad. :lol

[Charley]

I went to see it with a hot girl. That's the only salvation I had.

[JMK]

That usually makes most things tolerable at the least.

[Kitty McQuade]

I saw Kill Bill twice intead.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

Master and Commander stunk. It had great possibility, but all in all, stank. Saw it for $3, glad I didn't see it for $8.

[AmazonBabe]

I saw it shortly after it came out only because my husband wanted to go see it.

Personally I had no interest in seeing it, and frankly, I was so bored by it, I probably won't ever see it again, even when it's on the free waves.