Humility (Xazor Elessar)

[imported_Terran Starek]

She'd gotten his message. He just knew. It wasn't that she'd responded or called back. He just knew. She'd be here. His hands sweated a bit as he thought about her, wondering how she would recieve him. It had been quite some time since he'd seen her, and by now he was not feeling capable of predicting her mood. The last time they'd been together had been. . .well, less than pleasant. That was a good enough explanation.

It was the same biogarden they'd visited when he'd proposed to her for the second time. They had decided, on that night, that they would be married. She'd looked stunning, and he remembered the picnic like it happened just yesterday. He smiled to himself at this thought, though he knew that it would not last. It could not last. Things had changed, and though they had taken a turn for the worst, he knew that they could meet again.

Afterall, it was his fault. He had been the one who lost control, the one who overacted and lashed out. It wasn't her fault. Love could do strange things to people, and this time was no exception. The word didn't seem to be a part of his vocabulary any longer, though his thoughts and feelings stirred when he thought about her.

He stopped at a small bench at the mouth of a small grove of trees. It was a pretty little cove--the same cove they'd been in before--and he pulled off his boots to let his feet soak into the green grass of the soft, cool earth. Time to wait, his stomach in knots. She would surely sense his nervousness upon approach--there was little they could hide from one and other. Things had changed, but a bond like that never dissppears, he thought.

He began to go over the things he wanted to say to her in his head. Although, his first thought was just to see her. Just to reach out and touch her. He'd heard so many terrible things--that she had become a fugitive, that she had lost her morals--that he just needed to see her. He didn't believe she was changed. He expected to see the same glow from her sparkling eyes that he always remembered.

Time to wait, the worst part of it all.

[Xazor Elessar]

Of course she had received the message. Sitting there in Dexter's Diner, the young woman's eyes scanned over the sender's name several times before she sighed and and shut down her holo-pad. How he still had her number after all this time boggled Xazor. Surly, she thought, he would have rid his mind of everything tied to her. "Why does he want to see me now?" She questioned herself, and immediatly thoughts of the Council attempting to keep tabs on her popped into her mind. Somehow, though, she had a feeling that this was different and not at all a selfish act. "He said he needed to see me, he wouldn't lie." The Garou concluded and so, just days after the letter had arrived, the young woman was off to meet up with a figure of her past.

It had not taken her long until she was now just standing feet away from him. He, though unable to spot her, knew she was there. It was just the same as she, though unable to see directly inside of him, knew he was utterly nervous and perhaps even a bit afraid. Looking down at the green grass beneath her feet, Xazor shook her head as she wondered what would become of this meeting. It was no time to worry anymore, though. She was here and she would face him. Her golden braids were bound together at the back of her head with a piece of black rope and the silver coins woven into them hung loosly in and out of the pony tail. The robes that flowed around her and plumed in the breeze were of a scarlet red tone which flattered her figure beautifully. She had not changed, as everyone had predicted. Many things inside of her had, but for the most part, she was the same Jedi Knight she had been when she had left the Order. The thing that had remained unchanged and intact the most, though, were her eyes.

As the Garou woman approached Terran, her cyan blue eyes came to rest upon his face. They possessed a glowing look that echoed a happy smile that she only hinted at upon her lips. Folding her hands upon the weapons belt at her waste, Xazor walked toward him until she stopped, now but three feet away. Nothing was said and for a moment, she simply stared in disbelief that he was here -- alone -- and he had come feeling nervous and distraught. Their deep bond again told her that they had much in common and she need not worry about his reaction, for it would be much the same as her own. Looking at his face again made Xazor's heart jump and just as it did, she nearly fell forward into his arms which seemed to outstretch to her automatically, at least, in her mind. Her own arms wrapped tightly around Terran's neck and she pressed her face into his shoulder, holding him close like she had done so long ago. How she had missed this and longed for this every day and every night she was away from him. Only time would tell, though, what would truly become of this new ruiniting.

[imported_Terran Starek]

Initially, Terran found himself surprised that the Garou fell into his arms. Afterall, he'd come here half wondering if she'd even show up. Thinking about how he behaved was all he had to do to feel the feeling of shame rise in his stomach. Right now, though, it seemed that all was forgotten, as she held him tightly, her arms and hands slightly trembling. Perhaps out of fear? Perhaps out of hope? Perhaps because they had not touched in so long. It took him a few seconds to gather his thoughts before his action was obvious.

He threw his own arms tightly around her, drawing her against him as he held her with every inch of his heart.

Several minutes passed, maybe ten or fifteen, he didn't know. The entire time, the two had just sat together, in each other's arms, like times he could remember. Good times, good memories in his head that touched him. Memories that had soft lighting and happy faces and peaceful connotations. Not the memories of Sejah and Xazor and Dasquian that he had recreated not so long ago. Not dark, troubled ones. Right now, nothing could trouble him, as he found peace in her arms.

Finally, like clockwork, the two broke the embrace, sitting next to each other closely on the bench. Every emotion--every planned word--that Terran had come here with was down the drain. He could think of nothing but to touch her, to smell her, to be near her again. His eyes pierced her own--beautiful, deep eyes that he had become lost in so many times before. Again, he was taken.

"Xazor," he spoke so softly, it was barely audible. She heard him, as he could tell. "I'm. . .I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for what I did. It. . .It wasn't me." He turned away for a moment, a bit ashamed. She knew precisely what he was talking about, and he felt the memories coming back as he held back much emotion.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor shook her head as Terran began to speak. The sound of her name upon his voice was reassuring and welcome. As the words came out, the Jedi Knight turned and gently placed her hands upon his cheeks and brought her thumbs to slowly run over his lips, closing them as they did. "Shhhh..." She whispered in a tone that reflected the quality of a mother. The woman smiled as a few tears fell down her cheeks and she looked into Terran's eyes.

"I know it wasn't you. It wasn't me either. We didn't think and we hurt each other. I hurt you so badly. I hurt you, I hurt Dasquian. Sure, I have had my share of pain. Dasquian hurt me to what extent, I cannot even express. But you..." She paused and smiled as their eyes locked and stayed focused on one another. "You never did anything to me, Terran. I betrayed your trust and I stabbed you right in the heart. I caused you so much pain. So much."

Sighing, Xazor looked down as more tears began to form in her eyes. Her hands trembled slightly, but it was apparent to Terran. Gasping for a bit of air, the young woman shook her head as she thought of everything they had gone through. Guilt played with her conscience daily and she felt sick when she thought of everything that had happened between them. "I ruined our future. Now, I'm sure you'll never even trust me ever again. I ruined our happy lives. I -- I ruined our plans -- for a wedding and -- a family." Now she was shaking and tears were rolling down her cheeks. Filled with great emotion, Xazor dropped her hands and covered her own face to hide the shame from Terran.

"I love you -- so much, Terran. I dream about you still. I think of you laying beside me as I go to sleep and I dream about you wrapping your arms around me in the dark of the night. I dream about you kissing me as we awake in our own warm little cottage with a few kids running around on the wooden floors in their bare feet. I think about these things! I think about them all the time. And now, I've ruined everything and I'll never have that. We'll never have that." She paused and let out a deep sigh before sniffling through the tears once again. "I'll never have...you and I hate myself for it."

[imported_Terran Starek]

He pulled her head close to his own, their foreheads locking as his eyes stuck with her own. Her tears fell hard, squeezed out of her eyes with great emotion and greif. But the Jedi's eyes--despite their emotion--were strong. They were caring, deep, and hopeful. She could see the depth of his support, and his hand, which groped through her hair and gripped the back of her head softly, was warm to her touch. He picked up her scent each time he inhaled, smelling her. . .tasting her. . .

It was so hard to do, every ounce of tension and pressure on him as he kept his eyes locked on her own. It was so hard to remember why he came--to tell her that he cared and that he loved her, but that it could never be; to tell her that he was a Jedi of the Jedi Code, and that his emotion contradicted every belief for which he stood; to tell her that despite the fact that he wanted to marry her, to run away to Eden and live out the rest of their lives in the greenest green pastures to grace the Galaxy, to father her children, to write books about passion and trust, to sleep next to her, listening to her breathing for eternity--to tell her he could not, was the most difficult thing Terran Starek had ever faced.

And under the pressure, he collapsed.

"You will forever have my heart," he uttered as quickly as he could under his breath before his lips met hers, tasting the saltiness of her tears as he kissed her deeply, breathing in every second of the exchange. He kissed her fiercely, his breathing harder as his skin probed hers. Several moments passed by before the kiss was released, the two taking in deep breaths as they embraced again, passion tearing apart logic.

"You will forever hold the key to everything that I am. I love only one--that is you, Xazor. That is you--the only woman in my life." His own eyes teared up slightly as he spoke, the reality of his words setting in. He held her hand tightly, remembering every word she had just spoken, and how each one had cut him deeply to feel her pain.

"There could not, is not, and will never be another. The Force created me for you, and you for me. I am sure of it." His eyes were fiery, with conviction and passion. But, they softened, as his focus turned away. Though he did love her, his reasons remained strong, and he knew what he had to do.

"But you must understand, my love. I have things to tell you, things to say. I forgive everything that happened, and I want it behind us. I trust you with all that I have. You must promise me one thing: as I have forgiven you of everything and as I trust you, you must forgive everything I am about to tell you, and you must trust me--from here on out. You must do this for me." His eyes were completely serious, and his tone gentle and loving.

[Xazor Elessar]

"And you'll have my heart -- you always have and you always will. I love you so much, Terran. I love you." But she was hushed as he continued speaking. His words were everything she had so longed to hear and her eyes teared and the small crystal droplets fell down her warm cheeks. Guilt swept over her, but she knew that despite the secrets she was keeping from him at the moment, that he forgave her and would always forgive her. He loved her, afterall. "You're the only one for me, Terran. We were made for one another -- we were. I love you and I need you. I need you so much." She whispered but was quieted once again.

He went on about forgiveness and, without hesitation, the Knight nodded and agreed. "Of course -- I forgive you for everything, whatever happened and whatever you'll tell me." She paused and noticed the defined seriousness in his eyes. This, whatever it was, was either going to be aweful -- or something unexpected. Still hopeful, though, the Knight listened intently, urging him to continue. "Whatever you have to say could not make me love you less. You're mine -- forever, and I am yours. Please, my love -- my heart and soul -- tell me what you must. I trust you, I promise. I'll do whatever you want -- whatever it is." She whispered and kissed him gently before pulling away and waiting for his words, the words that could potentially change the course of their future forever.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"Xazor, this--us--can't happen right now," he said, his voice soft and his eyes saddened. Holding her hands close to his chest, they were hard words to utter. But he had to. He knew the truth. He remembered the fight with Sejah, the pain, the lonliness, and he knew that untill he could garuntee that he would absolutely not lose control of himself again, he couldn't put others at risk. Not Xazor, not anyone.

"I need time, my love. I must have time to learn what happened inside of me and why it happened. I must have the proper guidance to discover what weakness triggered me, and I must learn to prevent it and to control it." He could feel her hands tighten around his own. He could see the emotion in her eyes, and he could feel her desperation. It was not the news she wanted to hear--he knew she'd rather him come home to her tonight.

"It is not you, my sweet Xazor, it isn't you." He reassured her, his hand coming up to caress her cheeks. "You're so beautiful--the way the light hits your eyes out here." He smiled. "The flowers seem to strain to look upon you, their very stems bowing down." The backs of his fingers stroked the length of her soft, soft skin, sensing a bit of heat in them as she blushed slightly. She was so cute when she blushed.

"Please, grant me this, and I promise that we will see the rest of our days together." His lips came nearer to her as he spoke. They gently brushed her cheeks and her ears as his face neared her own. He whispered, only the breeze louder than his words:

"I love you, and I cannot live without you."

[Xazor Elessar]

"And I can't live without you, so I would rather end my life." She breathed out in exasperation. It was evident that the Knight was completely distraught over the entire situation. She was sorry she had ever caused him any amount of pain, because in the end, the joke was on her. She had lost the love of her life, yet he was telling her now that he wanted to be with her.

He just couldn't.

It wasn't fair and she shook her head. "There -- there must be some way." The tears began to flow once again as she moved closer to Terran and rested her forehead against his. "We could do this! In secret, see one another until -- until we can be together, Terran!" She smiled, but could see his hesitation. There had to be some way, if he was telling her that he loved her.

"Is -- isn't there some way if there is love? Isn't there? Terran? There has to be!" She cried out as her heart felt as though pieces of it were being ripped and torn away with each word they exchanged. "I trust you, I know you need this -- but I need you. I need you in order for me to live, to go on. I can't -- I can't keep living this way!"

[imported_Terran Starek]

Her tears were like cannonballs against the hard wall of his heart; her sobs battering rams tearing at every brick of the barricade around his emotions he had built with logical reasoning and contemplation. His defenses could not hold up against her attack--the proof of true love. The power of love dismantling logic so fluidly and easily that it had always defied logic.

"There must be a way," he said, in agreeance with Xazor, who clung to him tightly. "We will find a way, my love. I will not allow anything to hold us apart." He kissed her forehead firmly, holding her head against his chest in silence. He could feel her arms around him tighten with the strength of their love, and he could not deny it.

"I will take leave from the Order--once every month--to seek you out. We can meet at some location, some spaceport or somewhere heavily populated." She turned her face up to meet his gaze with her own stunning eyes.

"We can travel to Gias or Eden and spend the weekend together. We'll see each other enough to keep ourselves sustained." He brushed her cheek with his hand, a soft smile on his lips. "Until. . .until we can figure something else out."

[Xazor Elessar]

"Once a month?" Xazor's frown remained on her lips, but she knew it was better than not seeing him at all. It would have to do, just as he said, until they could make other arrangements. "Thank you -- thank you my love -- my life." She trembled as the words poured forth with emotion once again.

It made no sense to the Knight that love had to be logical. It made no sense to her that there had to be anything but the love. They were meant to be, so what was wrong with them being together? "And in between, we'll write to one another -- and talk through the comm." She reassured herself more than Terran that they would be in constant contact in between visits.

"You are my everything and if once a month is all, it will do -- it will do." The woman whispered before her lips met Terran's. She kissed him deeply and took in the moment, reflecting how it had been in the past, when they were together. "What are we to do? What are we, Terran? We held a deep committment to one another once -- we were to be married!" Again, tears fell down her cheeks as she thought of everything they had lost, wondering if they would eve regain it.

"Do we have forever, my love? I give you my life, my soul! I love you!" Xazor pleaded, wondering if Terran felt the same as she -- wondering if he would ever feel the same again.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"We do have forever," Terran replied, another smile on his lips. He slowly brushed her face with the back of his hands like he had always done. She snuggled up to him and, though she probably wasn't extremely happy about their 'separation,' he could tell that she was still comfortable and pleased with being with him now.

"We have forever because of the Force, my love." He had always been interested in theology and she knew it, and he chuckled a bit. She was an intelligent women--part of what attracted him to her--but she wasn't always up for debating philosophy and she poked him in the ribs for bringing up the stuff. "I meant it, babe--I love you and that will last forever."

"But you mentioned marriage. . ." he paused for a few seconds for emphasis and could tell that she wasn't drawing another breath as she listened intently. She rolled her head up to face his, looking him straight in the eyes. "Xazor, you know that you own me--my heart and my soul. Nothing could change that." He kissed her forehead.

"Give me some time to complete my initial training, and some day. . ." He could tell she was excited as her eyes lit up. "I can think of nothing better than to settle down with you, Xazor Elessar. You and I to grow old together." He smiled softly as he ran his fingers through her soft hair.

[Xazor Elessar]

All of this was fully wonderful and exciting to the Knight. As Terran spoke of forever, she knew that he was right -- no matter how much their views differed. Gaia told her that they would be together forever, but the Force told Terran that. Xazor was interested in hearing more about these things, but right now was not the time. If he was truly intent on being with her forever, then they had the rest of their lives for her to ask questions.

As he spoke of marriage, the Knight held her breath, wondering if he had changed his mind in their separation. It would have crushed her heart if he told her that it would not work -- or it would not work for a long time, but his words were optimistic and they brought a smile to her face once again. She breathed easily as tears stung at her eyelids. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close, thinking of the wonderful news.

"I'm sorry I gave you my ring back -- I'm sorry about everything that happened. I was confused and lost. I love you, though. I love you with every fiber of my being and I would love nothing more than to be with you forever, to grow old with you as you say. I would love nothing more than to be your wife and have our own family and a house -- it would be perfect, Terran, my love. It would be perfect."

Xazor paused in thought and sighed to herself, thinking of what he had said before this though. He needed to complete his initial training, first. "You need to become a Knight, is that what you mean?" This could take years and if they could only see eachother once a month for years, that would be torture, but she was willing to do that for him. "I'll be here for you, waiting for that day -- no matter how long it takes."

[imported_Terran Starek]

"Thank you, Xazor." He spoke softly and genuinely as she made it clear that their bond was eternal and solid. He stroked her hair softly, allowing his hand to get caught in the thick braids as he always loved to do. For awhile longer, they remained in silence, their eyes locked in a quiet communication that was as strong as any words. It was that bond that held them together--always had, always would. After a few minutes, he leaned in close to her.

"About that ring," he said with a smile on his face as he then drew back, errecting his torso. drawing his robe away from his neck, he revealed his tunic to her. Reaching into the neck of his tunic, he drew a small chain out of it--a necklace. He was never one to wear necklaces, it just wasn't really part of his utilitarian nature. But the strange silver chain was surely there as her eyes could see it.

Reaching around the back of his neck, he unlatched the small clasp of the chain. Pulling it off of his neck, the rest of it was shown--a small, familiar ring hanging on the end of it. She recognized it immediately. It was the engagement ring he had given to her months ago. Though it had lost most of its shine by this time, it was still nearly as radiant as she rememberd it.

"When you gave this back to me, Xazor, I made a pledge." He began, as she could tell there was a slight quiver in his voice. Though this meeting had been a very emotional one as is, she could tell that the emotion wasn't over yet. "I pledged that no matter what, no matter what happened, I wouldn't let go of us, Xazor. I pledged that I wouldn't let go of us for anything in this galaxy."

"I put this ring on a chain and wore it around my neck so that your memory would always be close to my heart. I trained harder with this ring around my neck, so that it would feel the sweat and blood and tears of my toil, so that it would know what work went in to making a relationship real. It's not as pretty as it was, and it's not quite as lovely and pure--but that represents us, Xazor. We've persevered. We've fought through the hard times and we are here together, right now--right now. We're here together forever after many hardships."

"I love you, Xazor. If you would, if you would do me the honor. . .I want you to have it back." He grasped the necklace and ring in his hand, reaching it out to hers. His eyes were locked on her own, and a tear escaped them as he bore his heart and soul to her.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor could not believe everything that Terran was saying to her. She looked at him in disbelief as he pulled the silver chain from around his neck and revealed a secret that he had been keeping. There hanging from the chain was the engagement ring she once wore upon her finger. Her eyes widened as she looked upon it. Indeed, it had lost a bit of its shine, but it was still as beautiful as the day he had given it to her. The woman shook her head as tears formed within her eyes, stinging at her lids, and soon they fell.

He had worked so hard to keep them together, and somehow -- despite the distance and all of the hardships, they were together again. "I too have faced darkness and the hardships you speak of. I gave up everything after that day -- and left the Order, not only because of that, but because I needed to find myself. I have, Terran, and I knew that someday I would be with you again. My heart told me so." She paused a moment as the tears continued pouring from her eyes.

The moment was incredible, and the young woman had a hard time breathing as she listened to Terran, her love, speak. He stopped and then spoke the words that did it for Xazor. "I want you to have it back." The words clamped onto the Knight's heart as she looked down at the pretty little ring that Terran was offering her. In that ring was the symbol of more than just a marriage to be, but a life of hardships -- darkness -- that had been overcome. So many things had been sacrificed and pushed aside to reach the point they were at. Now he was offering her the solid promise of forever, something they already had -- but it was the ring that held the physical proof of this promise.

Xazor's hands trembled as she reached out to meet the ring. Grasping it in her palm, the young woman brought it to her face and wept into her hands. She could not believe that he had forgivin and forgotten everything so quickly -- and that he had been working to reach her once again. The Knight sobbed for several minutes as Terran reassured her by running his hand through her hair and slowly bringing it to her face. He lifted her chin up and she looked into his eyes. Of course, he was expecting some sign, some sort of answer. With a grin like never before, despite the tears, Xazor nodded feverishly.

"Yes! Yes, I would love to, Terran. I would love to." She held the ring out to him, hoping that he would take it and put it on her finger as he had once done. "And it would be an honor to me for you to put it on my finger, and accept my heart as you once did so long ago. Please...I love you so much..." The tears continued to fall but they were not born of sadness, but of joy. Pure joy that came from the Garou's heart radiated and made her glow. She felt complete and whole once again, all because of his love.