The Land of the Lost

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Rain pelted against the window in torrents, it was a nasty day out there in the vast city of Coruscant. Jedi Padawan, Quay'Na Rakai stared out the curtained window at its ongoing fury from her father's condo.

She'd been here for a week, trying to disappear. It was dangerous for her out there, Sanis Prent had nearly gotten her the last time she was out and she had been doing some serious thinking.

She had a serious problem to deal with and it wasn't just Sanis. It was her...her anger, irritability and her frustration. A true Jedi wasn't allowed to have these feelings, so time and time again, she would push them away.

A real Jedi is boring, don't go looking for trouble... How many times had that gone over and over in her head? Many, too many.

A crack of thunder boomed bringing her back from her thoughts. Her father was gone off to work, Yaz was now living in the Temple and Sene? Well, who knew where he was, he seemed to have disappeared completely out of her life. It seemed he was here and gone like a whirlwind, in and out of her life. Poof, just like that.

Quay'Na sighed slightly as a new thought came about. You seem to let go of your heart much too easily... It was something Ira had spoken to her in a dream or something, she still wasn't so sure.

Now, she had to focus on something other than a man, it was her life and only she was the one to live it. Whether her actions were reckless or whatever, she had come down to a decision and needed one last person to give her some needed advice. A Jedi with a neutral standing, one who wouldn't persuade her to a certain direction, like her own master.

Helenias Evenstar.

This Jedi had helped the Padawan out during an assault with Sanis and she owed the woman her life as well as a few others that had taken a big part.

But, for some strange reason, Quay'Na felt like she could talk to the Jedi Knight, moreso than Morgan. Perhaps, it was because Helenias was a female and it reminded her of her long talks with her former Master Ira. She didn't know and it really didn't matter, soon the Jedi Knight would be here and she could possibly explain her future plans and get some advice along the way.

So, for now Quay'Na continued to look out the window and see the universe for what it really was. Complicated.

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Is this the building?"

I looked out the rain streaked window as the speeder I was in circled from the main traffic lane to the upper landing platform. Dwayne Hicks, my bodyguard also leaned over.

"Yeah.. yeah that's it, Madam Senator. You still think this is a good idea?"

Looking about, I saw the lead speeder and also the tail, filled with guards. "I'd have thought it a much better idea to let me go on my own, quietly. I can handle myself, Hicks"

"That you can and it wasn't my idea. 'Hawk is getting paranoid after that last assasination attempt. The bounty on you has cleared 2 million and he thinks the scum are going to line up to take a shot"

"At death. Hicks, you know the reason that the bounty is that high, is that no one is game to take a shot for less. Even pregnant, I'm more than a match for the scum out there. I really wish James would back off, really I can manage. Just because I'm getting fat doesn't mean I'm useless. Now, do you mind, lean on something else"

"Oh, sorry" he said. I sighed - to even come out here was a stand up argument with General Tohmahawk. I hated this baby sitting and I wished that the General would just leave me alone. If it was anyone else, I would have smacked them one. Frankly, I was a sitting target in this speeder, I would have rather been on the ground. Well, if Tohmahawk thought I was coming back this way, he had another thing coming. Hicks I could accept, mainly because I knew just how good in a fight the unassuming corporal really was.

Others? No way.

A moment later, we had landed and I put my hood of my rain cloak up. The door opened and I was out, almost like I was running from an invasion shuttle, diving for cover. Hicks followed close, the other two speeders circled. Two other silent troops from my speeder ran ahead, opening the door. I darted in, slipped a bit, then came to a stop, with some relief shaking the hood down. The two who got to the doors first stepped into line behind Hicks and much to my quiet amazement, I caught the small hand signal he made to them.

Redliners??? Tohmahawk sent two Redliners with Hicks for this?

The secret super troops of SecCorps was what Redline was about. Hicks was their officer, beings without real rank or even records, armed to the teeth and trained to a plateau the NRSF didnt even do. I knew about Redline, because Tohamahawk had intended I lead it, but that was before pregnancy. Somehow, I knew that was my loss. Maybe after the baby was born.....

No, there was never going to be "after the baby". Whether I liked it or not, life was going to change. Aggggh.

Getting back to the purpose at hand, I checked the floor we were on, then moved to the turbolift. The four of us waited in silence until the doors opened and we could step through. The doors closed.

"Excuse me Senator". The speaker was male, big and had a voice like a rasp biting metal, "But I wished to say it is a privledge to meet you finally, if you dont mind. Your still a legend with those whose served with you"

Heh? "Your name soldier?"

"Apone, Madam. 135th. and just like Mr Hicks here, we will let you do the fighting if you wish. We heard what you did to the last lot of assassins"

Hicks was hardly hiding his grin and frankly, either was I. "Thank you Apone. Redline, right?"

That cut the grin from Hicks. "Yes Madam. Though, I was not aware that our little squad is known"

"It's not. Ah, our floor. This way Gentlemen"

Ignoring Hicks, I turned and exited the elevator, reading the room numbers. Going to the right door, I knocked as the two troops spread out, covering the hall while Hicks stayed one meter away. While I thought this was legit, Tohamahawk had thought that the note I had gotten from this Padawan could have been forged and this was a trap.

The sense I got from the other side of the door said I was right. I waved an all-clear and waited for the Padawan to answer my knock.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

The knock shook the Padawan out of her daydream. Quay'Na walked over to the door and straightened her Padawan attire before she opened it and greeted the Senator with a bow.

"Senator Evenstar, I'm glad you could make it on such short notice. I can imagine your schedule is busy, so I am honored." The Padawan said as she stepped back. "Please, come in."

[Helenias Evenstar]

I glanced about as I came in. Everything was tidy, in order and rather (seemingly) expensive. Hicks came just inside the door and closed it. Still looking about, I undid the clasp that held my rain cloak in place, slipped it off and with a practiced unsighted toss, threw it at Hicks to catch, which he did perfectly. Underneath I was wearing a blue dress that hid my pregnancy somewhat. However, on my shoulder was a strap, which I slipped off, throwing the connencted Assault Gun to Hicks, who caught that just as well as the cloak. I had a shoulder holster with a rail gun, plus a wrist strap where my sabre now was - belts were not something I could wear anymore.

"There's a 2 million credit bounty out for me, not because I'm that wanted, but because assassins seem to have an unfortunate habit of dying near me" I explained. "Hard to get the scum excited enough to try for me unless it's that high. Plus, old habits die hard. I used to be an Imperial Royal Guard, many years ago. I'd carry my Pike, but that's too hard to hide"

I finished looking around, now satisfied there was nothing hidden of concern.

"And please, while I'm here drop the Senator tag. Helenias will do. Now. You wanted to speak to me?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Yes, I did. Would you like to have a seat?" Quay'Na asked as she led her into the main sitting area.

Quay'Na remained standing as she began. "I need some advice. Advice that I cannot get from my Master. I'm at a loss, so to speak...and I'm seriously considering leaving the Order."

Quay'Na continued. "I feel like I don't quite fit in there anymore. Ever since the Vega VanDerveld incident...I've changed and I can't seem to find that person I was before it ever happened. Before I felt strong and confident on who I was and where I was going."

Quay'Na paced around a few times and then stopped and looked at her. "I...I feel too much...anger and...frustration to continue this path." She looked down for a moment. "I despise the darkside and everything that has to do with it, but I can't dismiss these feelings either..."

The Padawan shook her head. "I don't know what to do, Helenias. I know for sure that I don't belong to the Darkside, but I feel I don't entirely belong to the Lightside either...I'm kinda in a gray area...and very confused."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"You sound like my daughter, Xazor"

I had not sat down, for instead I was waiting for a chance to get a drink from a wine bottle I had seen. Oh, so what if pregnant women aren't supposed to drink - was anyone game enough to stop me? The bottle had been previously uncorked, which made opening it easy. Two glasses and a few seconds later I could take a sip. The other glass I handed over.

"You also sound like the type of person one of the famed Jedi would have loved. He was called Turbogeek and he thought much like you. He was angry and impatient, but he still became one of the greatest Jedi Masters we have had. He would have loved you as a Padawan. I dont think like the Jedi norm either. You see, your not alone in this. Many Jedi have these issues some time along the line."

I looked at the other woman from over the edge of my glass.

"Why me however? I'm not a noted Jedi in the Order, why do you ask of... "

I saw her. She was facing down a raging Marcus, blasting aside anything in his path. She was calm and controlled as she implored him to stop. He glanced at her, then took off in a different direction...

"Who was that?" a voice said later

"I dont know"

"She had courage to do that....."

I blinked. A vision that had been. In the ways that a Jedi could have insight, I saw something. A connection.

"... or maybe you should be asking me. You faced a man down once in a shopping center. He was doing things with the Force you had no idea could be done, he was frightening and despite the fear you should have had, you faced him off and asked him to stop"

The wine touched my lips. I knew I had her interest now.

"You met The Lost Jedi Master. There is no question he is the greatest of us all. Do you know of the legends of The Lost Jedi?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Xazor...the mother of Valanya, the child Quay'Na had adored...

The Padawan had taken the wineglass and sipped it sparingly as she listened intently to the Jedi Knight. It wasn't until she mentioned the mall incident that Quay'Na stared at her for a second in disbelief.

She nodded as she remembered it a while back. The man whom she had tried to trip, yes it was coming back now.

"I remember," she said softly. "I had gone after him until Master Dasquian stopped me. He even talked to me for a second and warned me to leave...but I couldn't."

She shook the thought from her head and repeated quietly. "The Lost Jedi Master..." The interest was more than Quay could possibly stand. "No, I've not heard of the legends...please, I'd like to know more."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"You did a brave but foolish thing. Even Sith Masters rightly fear him. There are powers in this Galaxy you just do not fight head on. The Lost Jedi is one of them"

Now, where to begin this...

"Over the millenia that the Force has been known, there have been many factions and ways found to use The Force. The way of the Jedi is just one of many and who knows, ours may not be right. We do know the there is the Dark Side and the Dark Arts, which lead to destruction. There have been Force witches and warlords, adepts and Invigorators. Plus thousands and thousands of Jedi. But in all of that, there have only been 20 who have become Lost. A Lost Jedi is a Jedi Master who renounces their vows and their position in the Order. These Jedi have always been powerful, clear thinkers and always, the decision to leave has been grevious. As far as I know, there has not been one Lost Jedi whose loss hasn't meant turmoil and strife. The last known was Count Dooku, who directly provoked and lead the Separtists in the Clone Wars. Look what that did to the Galaxy and it lead to Palpatine and The Great Darkness"

"Twenty beings. A true Lost Jedi can be the best and the worst - Their power is no longer controlled by the Jedi code, they are free to do as they see fit and most have. Think on this - 25,000 years, only twenty Lost"

I wondered what she was thinking now. I took another sip of wine, before continuing my discourse.

"About 5 years ago, a Jedi named Darth Turbogeek was killed. That death lead to a series of events that lead to another Jedi, Marcus Q'Dunn to question the way of the Jedi. He saw that there were threats and evil that the Jedi were not able to deal with. He erased himself from existance and left the Order. He is likely to be the best that has lived since the Empire, in fact he was alive during the Empire and saw it first hand. Yes, that is right. He became the 21st to become Lost. Xazor Elessar followed him, my daughter. I wish it was not forced on her as it has been, but it has. That is the summary of Marcus Q'Dunn, whom you have now met. But, if you wish to look for him, don't search under that name, it was always false. Nor ask other Jedi, they know not what is the truth. Only I and I think Master Yoghurt do. Does that answer your question?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na was silent for a moment, pondering on all that she was just told. "Perhaps, that is where I belong as well, Helenias. I want to follow the right path, but I don't feel that it's with the Jedi anymore. How do I find them and what is the Master's name so that I may address him correctly?"

Quay'Na felt some kind of new pull now, a new direction had been shown to her, if she could only find them now. But, what if he didn't accept her? It was a chance she'd have to take.

[Helenias Evenstar]

"You don't find them. They find you"

I fixed Quay with a stare that could have flattened a krayt dragon.

"And, to put it bluntly, I know they wont take Jedi from GJO without a lot of convincing. The Master does not do what he does to draw strength from the Order he helped set up! His way is dangerous and skirts where few Jedi would dare tread. Do you have the strength to follow? Do you have the skill? The will?"

I paused, taking another sip of the wine.

"Nice vintage. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. I could have joined them, he asked. I dont regret my decision, even if it came with a great deal of personal pain. The Lost Jedi Master you see, is named Marcus Elessar"

I let that one sink in. She should be able to work out that Marcus was more than just another Jedi to me. After all, I did name Xazor as a daughter of mine, even if it was not by blood.

"No, Quay'Na Rakai" I finished quietly, "You wont find Marcus. Even I can't and I've been looking for months. He won't take you as you are into The Lost. But if you really are set for this path and for all the risk it entails, I can help you"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na didn't falter. "I believe I have that strength, Helenias along with the will and I can learn the skill with the right master. I want this path and I am willing to take the risks for it, even if those risks result in my death. I would see no other way. I ask your help, Helenias Evenstar. As I would ask no other."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"The strength you have is yet to be seen. The Lost's Master won't listen to your words, but he will watch your actions. Your every move, your thoughts. Your actions, he would say, define who you really are"

Again, a sip of the wine. really, it was pretty good.

"Might I ask whom you believe is the right Master? I looked you up in the database and you have one already. Why would you wish to change, and whom would you change to?"

I had the feeling I could see the answer to part of that coming from a parsec away.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I will show him my actions, he can gain access to my thoughts, and watch my moves. I believe that the right master is the Master of the Lost." She answered without a second thought and then nodded. "Yes, I have a master, Morgan Evanar. But, we don't seem to click. There is something there that separates us from truly connecting as Master and Padawan. The bond that is usually evident, just....isn't there. I don't know why, he took me on and I accepted."

Leaving Morgan wasn't going to be intentional, it was something that just had to be whether or not, Marcus Elesser took her on as his Padawan or not.

"I would like to change to Master Elesser, if he would be willing to take me on. I would not fail him." And she wouldn't, for Marcus Elesser was the last chance she'd have. If she couldn't make it as a Lost, she might as well give herself up to Sanis Prent and be done with it.

[Helenias Evenstar]

Interesting. She had made her mind up to leave the Jedi some time ago, it would appear. So, what would this mean?

"The first thing you will need to do is to find him, I think" I stated. "Right now, Xazor is a very, very wanted woman for reasons that rankle me. Marcus has her in hiding and I don't think that he will like strange women trying to find out where he is. Not without a character reference. One thing I know he wants from students is patience. You can prove you have that by waiting by me. I know that if he can, he will see me"

I looked at the ceiling, sighing mentally. Then back at Quay.

"You could be waiting a while. The last I saw or heard from him was the night I became pregnant"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na nodded. "Very well, Helenais. I will wait with you. I will be patient, it's all I have left now."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Is that so, now? Are you sure this is all that is left? Waiting? Who knows, you might find what I have to offer to be even more compelling and you stay in the Jedi. I am very good with Foresight, but yet I have to say that the future is more uncertain than many realise. Always in motion it is. Always changing. You are also the host today, should you not be sitting as well?"

Very direct and single minded. I expected her to veer even slightly with some of my words, yet she doggedly continues with what she wants and does not change.

I think I could get to like this one, I thought.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"The Lost is my destiny. I know that now, it feels rightfully where I belong. I've not had that feeling for a long time." Quay'Na answered. Now, if only Marcus would show up someday soon and accept her. But, for now she would keep to her word and stay beside Helenias, waiting patiently.

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Is that your feelings, now? So sure are you when five minutes ago you had not heard of the Lost? Do you always make your mind up so fast?"

Was she a lost sister or something?

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Not always, but when you spoke of the Lost something within me knew that was where I belonged. I can't really explain it. It's my first instinct that is pushing me on and usually when that happens I don't question it. I just do it and it's hardly ever led me astray."

She looked at the Jedi. "You know a lot about the Lost, do you believe that I belong among them, from your point of view?"

[Helenias Evenstar]

"I dont really know - I would rather that they had not existed at all. I do know that even if I am very well suited to them, I will not go down that path. I will not deny it, I will show you another way to be a Jedi - one where reality exists"

I glanced at the smirking Hicks. Yeah, Tohmahawk would have loved to hear me say that.

"I have been around a lot of this Galaxy in my nearly 100 years" I continued, turning my attention back to Quay, "And I have fought many wars and done much. About five years ago, I made Galactic headlines. If you knewe what that event was, you would understand why I dont think or act like the normal Jedi. I am a warrior, a fighter. Even now, as I am, Mr Hicks would stand no chance in combat against me"

"That's right Miss" Hicks confirmed. "Madam Cross here could beat up our butts good. She's about the only Jedi most of us grunts got any respect for. She blew the crap outta the Jedi Temple.... errr..."

"THANK You Hicks" I snapped. "That was need to know only"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Had you not brought up the Lost, I would've probably left the Order anyway. I meant what I said, when I knew that it wasn't the place for me anymore." She shrugged. "I know I don't belong there and it would only be a matter of time before I truly left. I don't think anything can hold me there now, no disrespect intended."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"You have not explained why to my true satisfaction yet, but I will do as I said I would. Until we find The Lost Master, I will guide you. And as I said, a Jedi whom knows what reality really is. Cant hope to do anything by wishful thinking"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I base my standards on reality, Helenias." SHe leaned against the arm of the sofa and crossed her arms. "For years, I've lived by the way of the Jedi Council, allowing them to make decisions for me. Going by their word because they are wise, I never questioned anything of them. Until now, if I were to truly be a Jedi, aren't we supposed to make our own decisions, good or bad? Isn't that what living is all about, learning from ones mistakes or good judgment?"

Quay'Na looked away for a moment. "I feel as if I've been given a freedom here and finally a choice that I can make, on my own. If I am worthy of it." She looked Helenias in the eye. "I will not fail you, Helenias. But, what my words can't tell you, my actions will."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"That's an interesting point of view about the Jedi" I said. "Since when is wisdom solely for the Jedi? Since when are they the sole arbitars of right and wrong? Ahhh, but I'm a renegade within the Jedi, I dont do what the Council would want and I have the strength to defy them if I so saw fit. I'll never be a Jedi Master I think. Not that it'll keep me away at night, I'd rather do what I know is right than follow a group of beings who sit in a high tower, not knowing what life is really like. Look at me Quay, I defied the rules about relationships the Jedi would keep and the proof grows inside me. And do you know what the Jedi archives have to say on a Jedi bearing a child? Nothing! Not a thing! Some wisdom the Jedi have about the most important thing a woman can do. Sometimes I think Marcus is right, too right in what he thought of the Jedi"

"Tell me, do you love someone, Quay? Have you ever known what it's like to have someone's love in return?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

The Padawan nodded her head. "Yes, I love someone, dearly and he loves me in return. But, it's also a relationship that is not discussed openly with many. A few of my friends know of it that's all. Our relationship in the beginning was like everyone else, but soon things changed and as much as I tried to deny him, I could not. My heart wouldn't allow me that, it was too late."

Quay'Na sighed as she walked over to the window and looked out through the curtains, it was still raining. She stayed silent for a few moments before she turned and looked at her new master. "You see....I've fallen in love with...a vampire."

[Helenias Evenstar]

I gagged and had a coughing fit, such was my surprise.

"A .. what?" I asked, incredulous after recovering. "A vampire?!? Oh come now, he must be having you on, real vampires don't exist. The closest I have ever heard was there was an exotic disease that worked somewhat like the legends. How can something like a vampire exist?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na was serious, "it's true. They do exist....not that I've ever run into any other than Anthony. But, you see...he wasn't one when I first met him, he was just like you and I. He had warmth to his skin and his breath...but now since he's changed into an immortal. His skin is cold, his breath is cold and it's something I've just gotten used to. I turned my back on him because when he told me, I felt I couldn't love him because of what he'd become. I was wrong...my heart just wouldn't allow me to let go of him." Quay'Na sighed as she looked at her master, she wasn't for sure if she believed her or not. It sounded crazy, but she wasn't crazy...she was in love.

[Helenias Evenstar]

A vampire. Someone was suffering a delusion here and I knew it wasn't me. Sane people knew no one could be immortal or live as Undead.

I decided to file this one under "allow through to the keeper". What would it gain to argue and dispute for now?

"Allright" I said, changing topic, "This is how I work. I dont start training - you tell me what you want to know and you show you really want to know. You do that, I'll show and teach. I dont like wasting time. I have another Padawan, her name is Faith Lerf. Maybe you can meet her and arrange to learn together. Would that suit?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Thank God, finally someone who can teach me something that I want to know....

Quay'Na nodded. "Ok, there is plenty that I want to know that Master Evanar couldn't teach me. I suppose the first thing is telekinesis, I can barely move anything. If I were to hold that wineglass you have in mid-air, it would end up on you in a few seconds. The only think I can do in that area is Force boost and I think it's because its quick and I don't even know if you consider those in the same area."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Very well" I replied. "The best place for you to this is to come to my office early tomorrow morning, before I get appoints coming"

I sighed.

"In many ways, I will be jealous of the freedom you will have. At least you don't get pointless meetings with cretins with The Lost. There was what looked liked a gang war a month ago - well it was, but it was set off by The Lost. Whomever survived was cleaned up. Sometimes I wish dealing with Senator scum was that straightforward"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

The Padawan nodded. "Very well, I shall be there and I would like to meet this Faith Lerf, it would probably be a good idea."

Quay'Na paused as she felt a strange pang of guilt. "Even if I am with the Lost, Master Evenstar. I won't ever forget what you've done for me or what you'll teach me while I wait. I feel very lucky. And I won't let you down."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"You better not let me down. I'll kick your backside from here to Endor if you do"

Smiling a bit, I got up.

"Very well then, tomorrow in my office. I shall be expecting you there. Good day to you"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I'll be there," Quay'Na answered and bowed. "Thank you, Master Evenstar."

She watched as the Jedi Knight left, and felt a pang of relief that her life might just be headed in a new direction. If she could in fact make it into the Lost, the fogginess within her might just clear and she would be able to find the true meaning of who she was.