Broken Sword I

[Gav Mortis]

<CENTER>The Black and Blue Bloods</CENTER>


"That's it, Garrett!" Gav declared victoriously, his voice boomed and echoed throughout the silent library. The keeper of the archives evidently lacked the courage to reprimand the eccentric pair and Gav imagined it had something to do with his friend's skyscraper qualities.

"That's what we're looking for!"

Garrett was wearing a looking which screamed: 'I am wholly uninterested in your demented babblings, shut up you idiot!'

"What I'm looking for then. Fine. But guess what--"

He stood and sauntered around the table to Garrett was towering above him, rather forebodingly at that but somehow Gav missed it and simply smiled and placed his hands (just about) on Garrett's cheeks. He pinched them and shook his head from side to side and chanted.

"--You're going to help me! You're going to help me! You're going to help me!"

[Garrett Blade]

"Alrighty then. Alrighty then. Alrighty then!", came the reply from a frustrated Garrett. He violently turned and pulled his face away from Gav's pinching fingers.

After the incident on Halo Station, Garrett had found himself having to re-learn a great many things. He was also re-experiencing a great many things. Old memories had begun to resurface. For the most part, he couldn't remember too many occasions when his cheeks had been violated in such a manner. But he did know that every time it had happened, he was irritated to no end. This frustration often turned to satisfaction following great wrath being administered by Garrett unto the person commiting the violation of the sixth best set of cheeks in the galaxy. But wrath would not follow this particular violation, due to two reasons. Firstly, Garrett no longer owned a red hot poker, and secondly, it'd be a little harsh given that one of his best friends was the one doing the violating.

"I'll help you. But there are a few conditions to be met."

Gav gave him the "Here we go again" look, but the behemoth didn't notice. He was too busy concentrating on thinking up the conditions that would make this ordeal more bearable and somewhat meaningful for himself.

"Rule number 1: No pinching of the cheeks."

Gav gave a smile that indicated he was waiting for such a condition.

"Rule number 5: I drive! It's only right that we should have the bestest be the one doing the driving and all that."

He paused. That was about it. All that thinking, for two conditions. Surely there was more to it than that.

"That'll do me."

Evidently not. He plonked hmself down in a rather comfy, grand-backed, leather chair with armrests the size of his own. "So where will this act of me helping you take us?"

He looked around briefly. The stone walls and stone floor made the room look more like a septic wine cellar than some ancient archive.

"And why the bloody hell are we down here!?"

[Gav Mortis]

Gav threw himself into a chair in such a manner that by the time his rear was rested, so were his feet, on the table. He gave a moment to check his hands and after a tutt, blew a cloud of dust into the air.

"It is rather filthy, isn't it?" He admitted with dissatisfaction. "Nevertheless, we got what I came here for--"

"Which is?"

"The location."

"Of what?"

"The artifact."

"Which artifact?"

"The artifact!"

"What?"

"And let's just say our little adventure will take us somehwere I'm sure you will fit in." Gav stifled a laugh, there were few places Garrett could fit in with any degree of easy, quite literally. Gav looked up excitedly and his hands opened before him for emphasis. "It's posh!"

[Garrett Blade]

Garrett threw a confused look Gav's way and mimmicked his hand gesture. "Whats all this?", referring to his hands opening out before him.

"Never mind that right now. What I want to know is..."

He looked around at the other people in the room. It was large enough to warrant a private conversation, and nobody was paying particular attention to the rather odd couple on the central table.

"...What's in it for me?". His eyes narrowed at the thought of mischief and mayhem, and the administration of great wrath. But that final thought quickly dissipated at the thought of the long-lost red-hot poker.

[Gav Mortis]

Gav looked at his hands then promptly let them rest on his chair, happy that the topic of his hand gestures was not pursued. he then heaved a heavy sigh and rolled his eyes.

"What? Isn't my good company enough to warrant your undivided attention and assitance?"

Time passed.

"Fine. If you come with me I'll make you a weapon. A really big one!" His hands flew up into the air once more and he extended his arms outwards to help explain for it really would be a big weapon. Then Gav's eyes narrowed with suspicion. "No pokers!"

[Garrett Blade]

"Alrighty then. If you promise to construct me a weapon of titanic proportions, with which I can administer great wrath, I shall aid you in your quest for your mysterious artifact that you still haven't told me about! Do we have an accord?"

The two friends shake hands. Garrett then wipes his hand on the dusty table. he then wipes his now-dusty hand on his dark brown coat.

"So whats the plan?"

A very short amount of time passes.

"So thats your plan, is it?"

[Gav Mortis]

"That's it. Simple enough so come on. Let's do it!" Gav was up on his feet and scooped up the glass of wine he'd decided he take with him to the library. After all why not?

"Try the wine?" Gav said quietly to the director of the archives, she stirred in her seat and looked up from her terminal, her eyes were cold and resistant. Old bat. Gav hissed. "Try the wine!"

She bolted upright in her chair and quickly took the glass from him with her trembling hand. She sipped under Gav's watchful eye then offered his drink back to him.

"Ah! You like it? Have it! It's yours; something to remember me by, my dear." Gav took her wrinkly, pale hand and planted a gentle kiss on it then snapped up straight and turned to Garrett who was faffing around over at the table. "Get a move on, will you! Can you get out of the chair alright? Come on!"

[Garrett Blade]

They were standing outside the palace gates. It was quite odd, at least to Garrett. The city was surrounded by walls and gates. Yet inside was another set of buildings, surrounded by walls and gates. How fruitless. It was quite medieval in design. It even had its own moat - long dried up - running around it. The bridge was still in good nick, providing great wrath was not administered. The two sith made their way along the bridge and over to the main entrance. The doors were tall and grand, beautifully decorated and well-preserved considering the buildings age. Garrett pranced along with his arms dancing flimsily on either side of his skyhigh frame.

"I've never been a bridge-person, me. They should have a boat to get you over. Boats are great."

He looked over the side of the bridge, down to the cracked, dried up floor of the old moat. The cracks in the ancient ground had now become breeding grounds for vast weed colonies and other wild plants and vegetation.

"Maybe not, eh!"

Gav motioned to knock.

"Ahhh, erm..."

The smaller man stopped and turned to his larger companion.

"...What was the plan again?"

[Gav Mortis]

"We're professional entertainers remember?" Gav put his hand up to Garrett's mouth before he said another word. "No, we're not clowns and that's the end of it!"

Thud. Thud. Thud.

"Krast! That really hurts!" He nursed his throbbing hand while Garrett rang the bell. Gav scowled but his sour features suddenly brightened up s the large metal door parted at the centre and slid open silently.

"Hey hey hey there!" He flung his arms out and bared his teeth to maximum effect. "I'm Garrett C. Strange-Things, entertainer extraordinaire and this is my colleague..."

[Garrett Blade]

He flashed an unimpressed facial expression at Gav before speaking.

"Smelly Gav with the Gimpy Leg at your service."

He smiled with satisfaction. That ought to teach the little pipsqueak.

"I'm am proud to announce that I am the greatest jester this side of insanity."

Now would be the perfect time to take out the red hot poker. Instead, he leapt into the air in a fabulous backflip, landing on one leg whilst simultaneously bending down with his free leg up in the air behind him. He then performed a pirouette before standing upright to give a bow-curtesy hybrid.. He then looked up from his five-foot high view and smiled into the darkness behind the door.

"Ta-daaaaaaa!"

[Gav Mortis]

And with a thud the large double doors closed. The Sith stood in silence.

"It looks like they didn't take us seriously, Garrett." Gav turned on his heel and charged off in a huff mumbling something about a pirouette being too much. Garrett followed until gav suddenly dropped down from the bridge and plummeted into the empty moat.

"You take the wall and I'll see you inside!" He called up and trudged through bone dry soil until he arrived at the base of the fortified walls. There was a large opening, it was an old sewege vessel now no longer in use. Bars stopped anyone from using it to get inside.

Crash! Not anymore.

[Garrett Blade]

Garrett stood in disbelief as he looked at the wall. The bricks were huge; the size of a small dwelling (maybe not that big!) and the wall itself must have been at least twenty feet high.

"Take the wall, indeed!"

He shook his head at Gav's stupid suggestion and decided it would be much better to scale the wall to the top and traverse the rooftops of the palace to search for a way inside. And as luck would have it, there was a ladder that ran down to the dried-up moat and up to the roof. It was much better than treading through sewage.

"Poor Gav."

[Gav Mortis]

"Dren."

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Gav shone his glowtorch further into the putrid sewage duct, he was crouched but luckily didn't have to crawl. He wouldn't have crawled and instead sung.

"The road is long and the lights are bright. Just 'cos you've lived here all your life doesn't make it alright. And the golden mile is la la hmm--"

He couldn't remember all the words but it was a good song so he hummed the rest. This passed the time through the filthy duct until he was able to find a way out.

[Garrett Blade]

Meanwhile, on the rooftops, Garrett was stuck in a rut.

"Bloody guards!"

The roof was littered with them. Luckily, there were plenty of places to hide. The top of the building was typical of a medieval castle - numerous ledges leading up to other rooves, with windows and doors leading to various rooms and so on. It wasn't too difficult to evade the patrolling palace guards, but being nine feet tall wa\sn't much of an advantage in cases like these.

"That little twerp! This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better."

He quickly ducked below a window ledge, practically having to lie down on the gravelled rooftop, as a maid flung the windows open and began beating an old rug. The dust and muck showered Garrett. He scrunched up his face whilst cursing Gav under his breath.

[Gav Mortis]

"Come on! Get a move on you! Is that barley soup ready yet? You'd better have got started on that treacle tart!" Gav barked as he marched through the kitchen filled with countless cooks labouring over steaming pots and sizzling pans. The Sith had donned a tall white hat, a matching overall and a shiny badge which read: Head Chef.

"What are you lookin' at? Get to work!" He growled at one of the waiters who'd just entered and shot him a puzzled look. Naturally, none of these people knew who he was except that it seemed that he was their boss which pleased him to no end. He'd almost made it to the other side of the kitchen when an enormous knife whizzed past his ear and embedded itself into a chopping board hung against the wall.

There was another whistling and Gav siezed a large spatchelor and turned to deflect the second knife. At the other end of the room stood a semi-naked chef, he looked irate and clearly knew his way around the kitchen. The rest of the kitchen staff looked on in horror as their real boss expertly wielded a butcher's carving knife and a mighty meat cleaver. The boisterous chef, coimplete with bright red cheeks and bushy moustache hefted his weight around with alarming grace; it turns out he's ex-special forces!

"Just a minute!" Gav held aloft his index finger to call for a cease-fire, the angry chef halted just in front of him. Gav smiled. "You should try the soup first!"

He then snatched up a ladel from a bubbling pot and gave his confrontor a face full of hot barley soup and after slapping his red face with the spatchelor a few times, Gav ran for it.

[Garrett Blade]

"Open up! We know you're in here! There's no use hiding!"

The guards in the corridor were all pointing their broadswords at the door, which Garrett was pressing all his weight against should they attempt to break it down. A quick re-cap:

After about the fifth rug, Garrett was extremely annoyed, not to mention as black as death and twice as ugly. In a fit of rage, he slapped the maid across her face and told her to bugger off. She immediately screamed at the top of her voice and ran away from the window and out the door. She then called for any nearby guards to assist her. Thats when Garrett jumped through the window, locked it, piled several pieces of furniture in front of it, and ran to the door for a quick glimpse outside. He was just in time to see a group of guards turn the corner with haste and charge at him. He then promptly closed and locked the door. And here he was.

"Err...go away. There's nobody here!"

"Open up, taffer! We'll end you quick, we promise!"

"Sorry, I'm busy. I'm doin' my hair..."

The guards then proceeded to charge into the door, hoping that they would be able to budge the lock as well as Garretts tremendous weight. But this gave the gormless giant an idea. He quickly unlocked the door in between rams and moved to one side of the door, still holding it shut with his superior strength. He timed it just right, opening the door at precisely the right moment. The guards charged straight past him and collided with the furniture up against the window. Garrett stepped in front of the door, his shadow falling upon the guards as they gazed up at his silhouetted form.

"Lovely to have met you. Ta-ta!", he said, simultaneously removing his stupid-looking hat and bowing. He then bolting out the door and down the corridor.

[Gav Mortis]

"Blade! Blade!" Gav cried as he burst through a set of large wooden doors and fell onto a thick, red rug; he'd had to charge at the door to break it open. Quickly he scampered to his feet and glanced back at his aggressors; six guards led by the frightful, knife-wielding semi-naked chef. Blasters were fired and Gav kicked a door shut just in time. Then the other and took a spear from a decorative display of a shield and two crossed swords propped on the wall. He laced the the weapon through the door handles, that would stall then for a minute and readjusting his chef's hat darted up the staircase.

"Blade!" He cried again. "This isn't the palace! This is the guest house, you idiot! Aaargh!"

Diving to the ground at the top of the stairs, he heard the large wooden doors ricochette from the opposite wall from whence they'd been blown off their hinges. Twice as many guards now charged forth with the semi-naked chef already halfway up the stairs. Gav resisted the urge to use either the Force or his hidden lightsaber and instead, leapt to his feet and attacked the chef.

"Knife!" He ordered, his arm tight around the now blue-faced chef's throat and into his open hand he was presented with the enormous meat cleaver and still using the chef's body for protection from the blaster bolts, he hurled the knife at the chandelier hung high above the gathered soldiers. The great mass of glass and bronze came crashing down upon four of the twelve armed gaurds. All it took was a quick kick to the rear and the semi-naked chef was sent crashing into three approaching guards and the four started rolling unceremoniously down the stairs bowling over the rest of Gav's pursuers. And again, Gav was running.

"Blaaade!"

[Garrett Blade]

"Here I come to save the -- Aaargh!"

He burst through a side door, only to collide with a group of soldiers stuck inside a chandelier. The enlightened guards fell on one side and began rolling down the stairs. But already he could hear the sound of hurried footsteps. After composing himself he looked through the door from which he had just emerged and spied the guards from before arrive at the bottom of a set of stairs. Only now they had exchanged their blades for blasters. He slammed the door shut, trying to think of something. He noticed that the red rug was nailed to the floor at the top of the stairs. With his physical prowess he tore the rug apart at one section and held it tight.

Suddenly, the door burst open and the soldiers ran out. Unfortunately for them, but fortunate for Garrett, they failed to stop at the rug and tripped, stumbled forward, and floundered over the banister. Garrett sent them a rude hand gesture before turning to Gav...

"You called me an idiot!"

[Gav Mortis]

"Yes, I did, didn't I?" Gav mused happily. Then reassured his partner in crime. "Only a little idiot though!"

Still wielding his spatchelor and dressed as the Head Chef, Gav ran off down the corridoor opposite where Garrett had just made his dramatic entrance. The palace would be alerted to the intrusion so they would have to lie low for a while but they'd have to escape first. The wheels in his head were working overtime and Gav suddenly skidded to a halt, turned on his heel and pointed his cooking implement threateningly at Blade.

"Quick! Bring a guard with you! There isn't much time!" And with that he turned and dissappeared inside one of the bedrooms along the corridoor, keeping his proud hat on his head all the way.

[Garrett Blade]

He mumbled something about red hot pokers whilst dragging one of the unconscious guards behind him, holding onto his feet - the guards, not his own!

"What are we doing in here!?"

[Gav Mortis]

"Just swallow your pride will you?" Gav hissed through his helmet. The blaster he held was prodding Garrett squarely in the back. The binders around his hands clinked in time with his funeral procession walk, the bedroom door closed behind them, leaving the unconcious guard to have some peace in his chef costume. Gav could hear Garrett's mumbling and poked him with the blaster barrel.

"Hey! Stop sulking!" He whispered as he lead Blade along to the stairs where they were met with startled looks from all the guards recovering below. They all raised their weapons.

"Don't fire! This one goes before the king but there's another one of these madmen on the loose still running around. Find him." He shouted, panting for air beneath the identity-disguising visor. Some ran off in search of Gav while the others kept the weapons fixed on Garrett should he try to escape. Two joined Gav in his escorting of the prisoner.

Outside it was dark, night had just set in and Gav, Garrett and the two guards were alone. They continued to walk until to the guards' suprise, Gav suddenly spoke.

"So what shall we do with these two?"

[Garrett Blade]

Garrett suddenly broke his binders and slung them to the floor. He then turned to face Gav and the two guards.

"I say we slap 'em in irons, poke 'em with blasters in the back for about ten minutes and then take their heads to the king on a silver platter."

The two guards looked at each other in horror as they realised the truth. But before they could bring their weapons to bear on the two intruders, Garrett grabbed their wrists holding the weapons and hoisted them into the air.

"Or alternatively, if we had a red-hot poker handy..."

[Gav Mortis]

One of the guards went for his sheathed sword. Gav saw it and suddenly Garrett was holding aloft in one hand a severed arm. There was no following cry of pain, only a thud as the guard's head rolled at the feet of his comrade. The decapitated body slumped to the ground lifelessly, fingers still wrapped tight around his sword.

"I wouldn't do anything...unneccessary, if I were you." Gav said to the living guard who was still restrained by Garrett's enormous hand. Gav laughed. "Unless you want to die by your own sword."

He looked to Garrett suddenly. "What to do. What to do."

[Garrett Blade]

Garrett had visions of the moat restored to its former glory, and the palace in flames, all the inhabitants of the city with their heads on sticks towering above the city walls, beasts from the wilds running rampant in the streets...

"Ohhh, you mean about him! Well we could tie him up and leave him somewhere. But there's the risk of him escaping and alerting the whole palace. How 'bout we knock him out. Nerve pinch!"

Garrett placed the guard down, pleased at his plan. He then grabbed hold of the guards neck at the back and squeezed gently.

Unfortunately for the guard, the fool doesn't know his own strength and accidentally broke his neck.

"Ooops!"

[Gav Mortis]

"Oh well." Gav sighed, throwing the sword down. He glanced around, then absent-mindedly made a hand gesture which sent the two corspes, limbs and swords into a dark corner of the court yard.

"Krast." He huffed and looked about their empty surroundings; at one end of the large, fortified courtyard was the door through which they had just entered and opposite it, on the other side, was the rear entrance to the palace. "Now what?"

A blank look. Then some narrowed eyes. Then the makings of a grin. A tap on Garrett's shoulder. A hand gesture and the corpses et al. returned to the centre of the courtyard. And finally a malicious smile.

"Mister Blade, do your thing. I'm going to try my luck with the windows and a distraction wouldn't go amiss."

With a wink, Gav darted off.

[Garrett Blade]

And like that, he was gone.

"A distraction. You're talking to a distracted mind here!". Garrett mumbled things to himself; the product of a long existence and dabbling too deep where one shouldn't. It took great willpower and caution to retain ones sanity when studying the forbidden necromantic arts - something Garrett failed to do. But then again, he never was one to be too cautious.

Garrett stood, with the corpses either side of him, and screamed. Not your basic little shriek. Nor your manly cry of terror. This was a full-blown, death-scene dying scream of eternal pain that people win awards for. And as he let out his banshee wail, his brace of breathless buddies staggered to their feet and took up their swords again. A second or two later the rear palace doors flung open and a severed head smacked the first guard right on his forehead, leaving a gory tattoo that resembled a small animal if you squinted to the point of blindness.

"One nil!"

As the horrified guard stood in silence with wide eyes, his comrades charged past him to confront the devilish infiltrator. Although to them, he might as well have been the Grim Reaper.

"Oh good. I'm so thrilled you heard me calling."

[Gav Mortis]

Gav shivered atop the wall surrounding the courtyard when Garrett released his blood-curdling scream. He grumbled. "Put's a chill in the bones that does, you strange, scary individual."

There were the sounds of footsteps heading his way, the guards on patrol on the palace walls were running to the source of the disturbance no doubt. Luckily Gav found a niche in the wall and slipped inside it and as the soldier charged past all it took was a kick and he was sent over the wall.

"Give me your keycard and I wont let you die." Gav said leaning over the wall, he held onto the guards arm while the other desperately fished about in his utility belt. He handed him a clearance card. As promised, Gav didn't kill him and instead hurled him back up onto the wall. With a crack his lightsaber hilt connected with the guard's skull and knocked him out cold.

"I hate being a man of my word."

[Garrett Blade]

The guards, who were still rushing into the courtyard, were now surrounding Garrett and his puppets. All of them were oblivious to Gav's existence right now. Their sole concern was getting rid of this sadistic magician.

"My! What big swords you have!"

Suddenly, the guards all lost their grip on ther weapons. The blades then seemed to float in the air before them and turn around to face their owners.

"Care to try your luck?"

The two walking corpses were still at Garretts flanks, with their broadswords poised towards the now defenceless guards.

Or perhaps not.

Every single swordless soldier reached behind themselves to grab their blaster rifles.

[Gav Mortis]

Suddenly, the artificial light which flooded the courtyard ceased to be and Garrett, his corpses and the soldiers were left in darkness.

[Garrett Blade]

A Force-aided jump led Garrett away from danger and up onto the wall. He crept over to the palace walls; aware that although the soldiers couldn't see anything, they could still hear as normal. After scaling the wall, he eventually came to a window overlooking the eastern quarter of the city. Gav was inside fiddling about with a control panel...

"You big show-off!"

Garrett shook his head in disapproval, then continued before his smaller companion had a chance to protest.

"How the hell am I supposed to get in there? This window's far too small!"

[Gav Mortis]

"No, it's not. You are too big." Gav replied, staring intently at the control console. "Wait there while I play about with this security panel."

After a minute or so of tapping keys and using the appropriate clearance cards, Gav suddenly chirped up: "Ah! There you go, I've opened a door on the other side of the building. You'll have to either go around or over to get to it."

Gav headed for the door, taking his two keycards with him. "I'll be on my way over there too, we need to find out where the most precious and valued of the king's posessions are kept. I'm betting that's where we'll find what we're after."

[Garrett Blade]

As Gav disappeared through the door Garrett readied himself for another climb. But he hesitated for a moment before changing his mind; remembering what happened the last time he used the roof. Instead, he opted for option B - going round.

After much faffing about with maids, gardeners and guards, Garrett arrived at the door. But to his dismay, it was closed.

"Oh for the love of all things insane..."

Just then, the door opened...

[Gav Mortis]

"Sorry, the door could only open one way." Came Gav's voice in apology, he popped his head around and looked up to meet Garrett's face, clearly unimpressed. "What? I was only glancing over that security panel, it was a simple thing to miss."

Once they were both inside, the first sound which greeted them was that of approaching footsteps, there were guards still on patrol, in fact since the alarm had been raised, there numbers had doubled. Gav quickly dived inside a storage cupboard and pulled out a palm-sized disk.

"Psst!" He motioned for Garrett to join him in the small, dark room. "Quick, get in! You'll fit inside just watch out for any obtrusive mops and broomsticks, you wouldn't them poking you anywhere....obtrusive."

With the click of a button the disk projected a holograph of the palace blueprints. He whispered. "This is where we are, now where do you think we should go first?"

[Garrett Blade]

"I'm thinking 'out of this cubbyhole!' might be a great place to start, before I stick you somewhere obtrusive!"

Garreett barged his way past the small door and exited the small hole. He looked left and right. Not a guard in sight.

"Now I ask you! What was the point of going in there if not to overly-use the word 'obtrusive'?!"