Duty, Honor and the Force...(Closed)

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Eight months ago, she returned. Eight months ago, she had said good-bye to a Master that she had loved as a mother.

Eight months seemed like a lifetime...so many things had happened since then. Some far worse than others. Some petty.
Many friends she had gained in those eight months and a few enemies along the way. But, one thing remained amongst it all...memories.

It was unexplainable, the dire need to be there.
In that room, that very room.

Quay'Na Rakai slid the key card into the locking mechanism, it clicked. The door slid open and she stood very still staring into the darkened quarters, the quarters she had shared with her late Master; Ira Valko.

With a deep breath, she walked in and flipped on the lights with her left hand. It was vacant still and the Padawan wondered if anyone would ever live in it again. Since she'd moved out, it had been freshly painted and recarpeted. To remove all the burn marks of her holo-projector incident.

Quay's thoughts wondered to that day, watching Master Sage come flying through the open door, lightsabre's in both hands ready to defend off any evil that had perpatrated her room...only to find a holo-projector and table she had lightsabered in two herself. That was the night, they actually got to know each other and he offered her a room in his quarters...so long ago that was. So, caring and generous. She missed him dearly, he still hadn't returned from wherever he went.

Within Sages' absence, many things had occured, many bad things. Things that she didn't want to think about, things that the Padawan didnt' care to remember. Things that she had forced herself to push aside to try and bring her back to a normal healthy way of life. Even now, as she was now under the charge of her newest master, Morgan Evanar, she felt somewhat preoccupied.

It had been hard and it still showed it's scars from time to time in her actions.

A Jedi's essence grows within the Force.

Your focus determines your reality.

Quay'Na smiled slightly as she remembered the two most recited passages Master Ira had ever told her.

My Focus. Did she even have a focus anymore? Quay'Na had been pondering on this thought for the past few days.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na closed the door behind her and walked around the quarters. Nearly every inch of the small apartment-type room, gave her a new memory. She and Ira studying, talking of the Force, talking about animals...

"I've not forgotten about you, Quay'Na." A clear voice stated from behind her.

Quay'Na jumped at the voice she knew so well. She turned and there stood her late master, illuminated in a strange light blue glow. Her eyes widened as she stared at her. This wasn't possible, or was it? "M..m...Master?" She finally was able to choke out.

The older woman nodded. "Yes, Quay'Na. It's me." She replied gently with a soft smile. "I've come back to talk with you. It seems, that you've somewhat lost you're way, Quay'Na."

Quay'Na closed her eyes and shook her head. Great, as if I don't have enough on my mind. Now, I'm hallucinating and hearing voices. Voices of dead people! Though, it did sound just like Master Ira.

"No, this is not possible, you're not really here and I'm going insane. The truth is revealed." Quay'Na said exasperatedly as she opened her eyes to the blue illumination of her late Master again.

The Padawan decided to humor herself and play along with the idea. She agreed, "yes, I admit I've gotten lost along the way."

The Padawan nodded. "But, I'm trying to find my way back, Master. I Just don't know if that is possible. I've changed so much."

"Anything is possible, Quay'Na or I wouldn't be here. Change is a good thing, even for you. But, it seems to me that you've taken this change a bit further than you should. I've been watching over you and I've seen some of the things that you've done. Mistakes you've made, but I'm not here to lecture on your mistakes, I'm here to help you work past them so that you may go on."

Quay'Na was at a loss momentarily, but something in the Force allowed her to accept Ira's enitity. She felt suddenly ashamed and looked down.

"No, no shame." Ira corrected as she looked at her former apprentice. "I am not ashamed of you in the least, we've all made mistakes and we all must learn from them. I was included, I've not always made the right choices, but it's all a way of learning. You, take too many things to heart and I should've seen that in the living."

"When you were my master, I didn't have choices quite like I do now. Things are different, Master." Quay'Na answered gently.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I can't argue with you there and I blame myself on a lot of your problems."

Quay'Na was confused. "I don't understand. Why would you feel to blame on my problems?"

"Because, it was I who sheltered you in the wilderness to allow you to grow and flourish in your talant. I should have kept you here and allowed you to grow socially within the Temple."

"But, I loved being out in the field with you. I wouldn't have changed it for the world."

"Perhaps so, but because of that you've become a far too trusting person with those outside the Order and..." Ira paused for a moment. "You seem to like to give your heart away much too easily."

Ouch, that hurt...

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I only reveal the truth as I see it, Padawan. I've never lied to you and I'm not about to start now. Fact of the matter, that is part of the reason why I'm here."

Quay'Na raised an eyebrow. "You're here to discuss my relationships?" Now, she knew she was hallucinating. Quay'Na laughed. "Oh, come on....like as if there was anything else to do. I did my training religiouly until Master Sage skipped town. And then some, I kept up with my exercise and studies. You can only do that for so long. I was in those Achives for days at a time from the time it opened until it closed and..."

"...and taking pills." Ira finished.

That stopped Quay'Na in her tracks. She was quiet for a few moments afterwards, trying to think of a response. "Okay, so I screwed up. I thought we weren't going to talk about my mistakes.'

"To a point we have too, so you'll realize it's time to let them go. You dwell on your mistakes far too often."

"No, I don't." Quay'Na told her pointedly.

The dead master paid little attention to her former apprentice's comment. "It's all a vicious cycle that has pulled you in, Quay'Na. Your will is strong, but your pain and agony can be stronger and that can lead you to anger just asfast as hate can. Sometimes, faster. Quay, it's time to get off this emotional rollercoaster you're on."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I hadn't realized I was on one." Quay'Na told her as she walked over to the window and looked out. The evening was upon her. "Ok, I admit, Vega was a wrong move, but it wasn't when I was in the middle of it. God, I loved that guy, he...I htought he really cared about me. I really did." She looked at the blue hue of her former master. "Can you blame me? I never had a man look at me like that before, I was...taken away by it."

"I understand, Quay'Na and no, I don't blame you. I blame myself again for that. I am sorry, truly I am. But, it is time for me to help you again. Give you that inner lift that you've been yearning for." Ira spoke gently.

"I don't know how you can help me now, Master. Because of Vega I've touched the Darkside and it's something that dwells in me. Not in a way that I'd want to touch it again, but the failure that I held behind it. The feelings that I failed you, Sage and all my friends. It haunts me."

"That is so understandable, Quay'Na. Do you think that you're the only one who has ever felt the Darkside and not felt that failure? No, you're not and even with that, it's all a learning process. I see great things to come your way, you must follow your heart at all times and I don't mean in just your male relationships, I mean with everything you come up against."

Quay'Na was silent for a few moments. "I suppose you're not going to give me any details on that?"

Ira smiled gently. "No, I'm not here for that. I'm here to help you along, even though you may feel you can't go another step. I know differently."