Returned (Council)

[imported_Terran Starek]

His feet heavy, his jaw aching, and his head spinning with exhaustion, Terran Starek climbed the large steps to the entrance of the Greater Jedi Order. His cloack was matted togeteher and dry with mud about as much as his hair was. Instead of sweeping across the ground like usual, it drug stiffly across the ground. He looked a tab bit skinnier, considering he hadn't eaten much for a few days. Physically, he found himself feeling sickly and small, exhibiting a very strong lack of energy as he trudged up the steps.

He wanted his bed.

Garbage hollows, old boxes, broken awnings--that had been his bed for the past few days. Rain and creatures were barely kept out as he survived on nothing more than simple shelter. His back ached and his head more--he just wanted to lie down. He wanted to sleep for days. He felt as though he needed it, feeling a great inner cleansing that left him completely exhausted inside. Marcus had cleaned him, so to speak. He had felt a small whiff, nearly, of the taint of the Darkside. It had touched him and been inside of him in a way he never could have anticipated. Though things had gone terribly wrong, the Force had not forsaken its servant. Through Marcus' help, he was able to return to his senses.

The process was not without a price, however. Though it as good that he had been restored, he knew that he would face reprimand from The Order. He expected it, and he welcomed it. His actions had been unexcusable and it was no secret that he had seen better days. Surely, the Council would wish to investigate him. He didn't know how or exactly what would happen, but he hoped for the best. He needed help before he could advance any further in his training.

Reaching the entrance, he trudged in, flashing the receptionist a weak smile. Within seconds of his entrance, he could feel some tension in the air. He didn't know what it was, but he could sense it. It was his gift to sense, and that was his strongpoint. Without delay, he spotted the source of the tension.

"Jedi Padawan Terran Starek," two New Republic Special Forces soldiers addressed him, only one speaking. "Sir, we need you to come with us immediately." They spoke politely, but their voices were heavy and stern.

"Surely. If you'll allow me to retire to my room for a few moments, I will give you my full attent--"

"I'm sorry, sir, but our orders were to escort you to the Council immediately upon your return to the premises." The soldiers were slightly more stern this time.

"Of course," Terran answered, taking a deep breath. He had no bag nor possesions, so the process was made speedier as a result.

"Are you carrying a weapon, sir?" The second guard spoke up, his voice less confident than the last.

"No, no I'm not." Terran raised his arms to allow the officers to pat him down. They found a few tools on his belt--Jedi equipment--but no weapons.

"Thank you, sir. Come with us." The officers took a side of Terran and walked him quickly and quietly towards the Council's chambers. The padawan felt embarrassed, but such was his price. He had acted accordingly, thus he would face the penalties/humiliations of one with such immature behavior. It was the truth of the matter.

Finally, after what seemed like much longer than he had ever taken to get there, they reached the doors to the Council's chambers. The guards passed security and the doors were opened upon the assembled Council. Terran slightly winced, his embarassment and nervousness setting in. He had no idea what was to happen to him, and he felt a great surgence of shame pour over him. He had been so foolish, especially before such great men and women. Men and women that he truly respected. Those that he looked up to, learned from, and loved, even. His family mentors.

"Terran Starek," said one of the guards before both of the NRSF soldiers retreated, the great doors shutting behind them. Terran stood before the Council, his eyes towards the floor in his own shame.

[Ryla Relvinian]

There was a silence in the room that held the weight of all our unanswered questions. It hung like an imperceptible fog in the room, and though many of us here knew Terran as colleagues, and some even as friends, we all were silent.

I perceived, in this silent moment, that he felt utterly and terribly embarrassed, and for a moment, I did pity him. Blocking it out was the best course of action for the moment: Embarrassment was not repentance.

"Padawan Starek." I spoke, trying to catch his eye. "Welcome back. I believe we are all waiting to hear your explanation of the events which perpetuated your recent departure."

[imported_Terran Starek]

OOC: Please excuse my late reply. School and work escalated into a frenzy the past week.



"Of course, Master Relvnian." Terran nodded in compliance as the rest of the Council's eyes fell upon him. He was in the spotlight, and that wasn't a place he was generally comfortable. Especially in a place with so many others that he looked up to. It wasn't a good spotlight, and he found himself nervous at the thought of explaining everything. It wasn't because he couldn't remember certain details or because he couldn't recount the entire truth. Rather, it was because thinking about his behavior made him sick. It filled him with shame and a sense of immaturity he had not felt since when he first arrived here, some time ago.

Despite his emotion, he had to suck it up. He had no choice. His behavior required explanation, and the body before him would get it. He was under their command, and it was time he fessed up to the truth.

"Well, I-I-I guess I should s-s-start with Xazor," he said, stumbling over his words. Nonetheless, he began. Slowly, and with as much detail as he could, he recounted the past few weeks as he was told. He started with he and Xazor's first argument (http://216.73.105.30/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=28530). She had hinted that their relationship was failing, and that it was his duty to 'rethink' his love for her. Puzzled, he tried to rationalize it with meditation and thought, but he could find no clues through the Force. Still, he was determined to salvage it, for he cared for her so much. However, Xazor had made her decision. When they met again, she told him that the relationship was over. (http://216.73.105.30/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=28670). Devastated, he noticed a change inside of him. He felt more bitter. He felt apathetic. He wanted to blame someone else, something else.

Confiding in his closest friend, Sejah, he took on a very suspicious, dark rationalization (http://216.73.105.30/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=29117) of the facts at hand, coming to the conclusion that Dasquian and Xazor were cheating together behind his back. Without any proof, he found his emotions taking over. He was convinced by anger and jealousy, as well as a sense of rejection, that there was a plot behind all this to hurt him. So, he stormed off to find Dasquian. He found the two together (http://216.73.105.30/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=29157) and quickly dove into the situation, his anger and his emotion flaring into an unsupressable storm of rage. The situation didn't go well, as Terran even threatened to take up arms against a fellow Jedi. However, some wisdom remained inside of him as he found enough peace to leave. Nonetheless, he was livid.

He sought the council of Master Navaria Tarkin (http://216.73.105.30/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30313) who, probably sensing his anger and his inability to rationalize, was unable to calm him as he decided to leave. Finally, with too much weight and too much pressure on his shoulders, he decided that a vacation away from the Order would be necessary to clear his mind. On his way out, however, he was intercepted by Sejah. (http://216.73.105.30/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30792). The unstable Terran lashed out against his friend, who inisted that he stay and calm down, and a brawl insued. The twq fought, the battle escelating to lightsabers, and eventually, Sejah broke Terran's jaw. When Sejah came closer to help Terran up, the enraged Terran percieved it as a threat, screaming into the mongoose's mind and sending him into a comma. Thinking that he had killed his friend, Terran fled in fear of his life.

Living for a few days on the streets of Coruscant, the Jedi was lonely and confused. Finally, with expert tracking skill, his Master, Marcus Elessar, found him. (http://216.73.105.30/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=31069) In the way that only a Master can do, he made Terran understand the truth behind the whole matter: he had been afflicted by the temptations of the darkside. Then, he made his way back to the Order.

"Here I stand today," he said, his voice soft and a bit rough having recounted so much story. "I realize now what happened. I was foolish. My emotions clouded my judgements and did not allow me to see what was happening behind the scenes. I was blinded by my own selfish feelings that I did not even notice the presence of the Dark side." He looked down, very ashamed at his inability to percieve and his failure to exhibit behavior becoming of a true Jedi. He had worked so hard to train, studied to much to learn, and traveled so much to give him the experience of a Jedi Knight. Yet, with this show of an inability to keep his wits about him, it was plain to him that he had failed the Council.

[Wei Wu Wei]

"Well," Wei said, straightening up in his chair. "Why were you not able to percieve the Darkside?"

Wei had heard the story, and paid the Padawan rapt attention throughout his rather long story, but Wei had a purpose for this question.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"I have thought about it much," Terran said, clearly downtrodden and frusterated with the situation. "I have meditated some--not enough--and spoken with my Master. I think the root of the problem comes in my inability to control my emotions." He took a deep breath, electing to further explain himself.

"I felt so taken by my despair and by my own emotions that I gave up the ability to percieve the events around me from a clear mind. Without clarity, there is not truth. I have come to realize this."

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei nodded as he listened. "Why can't you control your emotions?"

[imported_Terran Starek]

"In general, I am very calm and controlled." He thought, rationalizing a response to Master Wei before making his reply vocal. "I have practiced the art of keeping logic and reason before emotion at all times and consider myself skilled at maintaining my control." The next part was the real rationalization. The first was a preface to his usual behavior--the next would be his reasoning for losing it in this situation.

"I think that the answer to my inability to control my emotions lies in the principle that I had yet to be tested with something I was so vested in. When faced with a stressful situation, of which I have no real connection to or no vested interest in, I find it easy to control the way I conduct myself. Emotion plays no role in my decision. When someone is victimized by a criminal, it is my duty to negotiate a response. Though I feel called to act, I do not feel personally connected to the action I take. It is my duty as a Jedi and as a servant of the Lightside of the Force.

"However, in this case, I found myself particularly vested in a certain goal. I loved Xazor very much and our relationship was one based on a mutual love for each other. When it came to my attention that she did not feel that same connection anymore, I was very hurt because I was quite connected to her. I felt angry at her and percieved that she chose to hurt me. I grew angry and jealous of the relationship she had with Dasquian. I became selfish, by attempting to blame away the problem. I felt this way because I had a very personal connection to the situation.

I loved her, and my deep feelings in that love were out of my control. I find myself blaming love for its intensity and for its unweildy nature. I'm not sure if I am being clear here, Master Wei, but I am trying."

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei nodded. "I get the idea. At least you understand where your deficiencies lie. And that's a good start to improvment."

Wei pushed up his glasses and leaned back in his chair, indicating that he had no more to say.

[Ryla Relvinian]

"But in all of these things you have told us, the decision to act was always your own. Love led you to a path, but it was your choice to walk it."

I knew personally that love made people do strange things, but this was different. It was not my place to question his love, for that was not the issue at hand. Rather, it was my duty to question his motives, and what he presumed them to be.

"Padawan Starek, Do you really believe that it was love, only love, that caused you to act out in anger and hate?"

[imported_Terran Starek]

"No," he shook his head, physically affimirming what he said. "No. It was not love alone. I cannot blame something else--a feeling, no less--for my own actions. I made the decisions I made, whether in emotion or not. For that, I am fully responsible. It was jealousy, it was love, and it was a sense of fear that caused me to do what I did.

But I did what I did. That, I cannot change. I felt like I had been given the short end of the stick. I felt as though I deserved an explanation. I felt like everyone owed me something. I was foolish. I did not heed the warnings of the Force and the warnings of my Master. I did not reason in the climax of the illogical."

[Wei Wu Wei]

Wei nodded. "One of the first things that you must understand is that in this life you lead as a Jedi, you will perform a number of good deeds for other people. Some will thank you, some people will hate you, and others will act as though you were never there. In short, nobody owes you anything."

Wei leaned forward and propped his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands together. "It is my firm belief, Terran, that we Jedi are here to help the people that cannot pay us back. Until you are able to enter into any relationship with the knowledge and acceptance that you will be unappreciated for the good that you do, and that you could get hurt and taken advantage of, then you will not be able to shake off your Darkside tendencies. And it will take time. Perhaps later you and I can meet to talk more about this. I have a story from my own experiences that I think you might be able to learn from."

[imported_Terran Starek]

"I would like that very much, Master Wei." Terran replied quietly as he listened to the Jedi Master speak. "After all this has happened, I find myself very cautious and suspicious of romantic relationships. I'm not sure how I feel about a relationship in my life right now--not until I understand exactly what they mean, Masters." He was much more clam than when he had previously entered the Council's chambers. They had that effect on him.

"I was hoping to spend some time in the Order's Archives as well as a few other notable libraries reading on the Jedi's writings of love and relationships. I think that the thoughts of Ancient Jedi Scholars and the teachings of my Masters here--" he referred to the Council "--will aid me in remedying this problem."