Questions (Master Figrin D'An)

[Helenias Evenstar]

It was a nice day outside - too tempting for me to be cooped up in the medic bay or my room. Even if paperwork needed to be done, things done for the Senate, Jedi duties even - I just had to take some time out.

Hopefully, the note I left with Jedi Master Figrin D'An would have reached him. I didn't really know the Master, knew of his reputation and heard him speak, but never spoke directly to him. Today, I would change that.

The little baby inside me, now at mid term, kicked out at my stomach. Just recently I had began to notice it's tiny movements, the realisation of that first movement bringing real emphasis to the pregnancy. Even some excitement, because the little one seemed more real. Of course, I had been able to sesnse it for some three months and knew it was most likely a daughter. The Force ran strongly on the female side of my family, only very rarely in the males.

And more likely a daughter, given the race of your father dont have any Force senitives at all, apart from one. Oh, how I wish he knew.

Today wasn't all for a social chat. I had questions to ask, for rather oddly I had abilities that had awoken just after I knew I was pregnant. What did that mean?

[Figrin D'an]

The small note had been cyptic, offering little information beyond a time and place for a meeting. To Figrin, though, there seemed to be an odd sense of urgency about it. The fact that Helenias Evenstar, the Senator and Jedi Knight, wanted to speak to him was intriguing enough. The discrete manner in which the request was made only added to the mystery.

As he emerged into the open daylight, Figrin looked about and quickly spotted Helenias, looking over a small pond on the outer fringes of the Jedi grounds. Figrin had never been close with the Senator, even though they occassionaly crossed paths on days the Senate was in session. There was a mutual respect between the two, but he knew little of her true personality.

He approached from her left, making sure she would see him in the periphery of her vision. He bowed slightly as a greeting.

"You wished to speak with me, Madam Senator?," he inquired, maintain a sense of formality until he determined the tone of the conversation.

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Oh, knock the formal stuff off, I really dont want to deal with it here as well as the Senate" I said, smiling slightly, genuinely pleased Figrin had arrived.

"What I need to speak to you is personal, anyway. It is, to explain, to do with something odd. I dont know if you are aware, I'm not unfit and carrying a few extra kilos, I'm 4 and a half months pregnant. I tried to leave the Jedi, not thinking I could cope with motherhood and being a Jedi, but Navaria convinced me otherwise. The reason however I wished to speak to you is that with the pregnancy, I seem to have gotten stronger than I thought I was and defensive capabilities have awoken. My mind can repel attacks and I can absorb energy, to reflect or dissapate. Why is that? I thought a Jedi knew what they could do from the outset"

[Figrin D'an]

The Jedi Master rubbed his beard, a habit indicating that he was rumaging through his library of mental knowledge in search of a possible answer.

"Indeed," he replied, "that is an unusual development."

There was so much that was unknown about Jedi pregnancy. Jedi having children was often frowned upon in the days of the Old Republic, and there wasn't anything particularly striking that Figrin could recall about it in the Archives. Although, it was hardly a subject he had looked into extensively.

"Generally, most Jedi realize their strengths in certain aspects of the Force early on, then spend the rest of their lives working to hone and perfect those strengths. Rarely do new natural abilities emerge, especially in adult Jedi."

"It is not unheard of, though," he added after a brief pause.

"When did you first notice these new abilities?", Figrin asked.

[Helenias Evenstar]

"When I got into a fight with a half dozen Sith Masters" I replied. "Not long after I realised something was changed and I could sense the beginnings of my child forming. It was a foolish thing to do, but I can't allow a Sith to just kill unchallenged. Be that as it may, I was hit with energy - by reflex I caught it, then sent it back in the direction it came from. Then I was mentally attacked. I found I could shield myself much better than I thought possible."

"Is this awoken because of the protection I feel for my child? Am I going to lose these abilities once the child is born? Or is it possible, the power the child has adds to mine in times of need?"

[Figrin D'an]

"It's difficult to say, I'm afraid," he responded honestly. "It's possible that your pregnancy has triggered some kind of latent ability. It could be that your body and your subconscious mind is allowing you to tap into power that you didn't know you had."

Figrin wasn't exactly sure if the response had truely satisfied her questions. Although, beneath the surface, she seemed to be looking more for advice than for an explanation.

"Motherhood brings qualities in women that are still somewhat mysterious. Sure, medicine can attribute it to changing hormones and the like, but there seems to be more to it than that, especially to the mother herself. As a Jedi, carry a child that will likely have great Force potential, your ties to the Living Force have probably become very strong. Protection of your own well-being, and that of your child, has become of paramount importance to you. As a result, your defensive abilities are much more powerful that before."

He smiled, reassuring his fellow Jedi.

"Another sign of how powerful a mother's love can be?," he remarked rhetorically.

[Helenias Evenstar]

"I'm not carrying this child to term because of love" I stated. "It came about because I could not control myself in passion. There si not much love I feel for this accident, but as that may be, I will make sure the child lives. My beliefs do not permit me to do otherwise."

"But somehow" I considered, "That is indeed changing. The child becomes more real to me with every movement. I wonder a lot about what I must do in the years to come. I dont think I am ready, but there is no choice. I dont want to be a mother, but now, I must. So what you say about the Living Force is true for me - there is no way I will allow it to be harmed"

Now here was what I was really after.

"Now that I have these defensive capabilities, I dont want to lose them. Master, I am not noted for being a adept fo the Force, I am by nature a warrior. This knowing I have hope of doing more as a Jedi does brings me a measure of joy. I dont want to lose it"

[Figrin D'an]

There was a sense of longing to her words that Figrin could not help but to focus upon, causing him to become more than concerned. The desire to maintain her new abilities seemed to be foremost in her mind, and while it would be only natural to ponder the future would hold for such an unusual occurance, singular focus had a way of crossing the very blurred line into obsession.

Despite his gut reaction, he formulated an honest reply.

"I'm afraid that only time will tell if your newly awoken power will remain or fade," he said frankly. "For all of our knowledge of the Force, there are still aspects that we cannot fathom. The triggering of latent Force ability is one of those aspects. The only way to further explore what is happening to you would be a mind probe. But, I would reccommend that while you are pregnant. Your child would be part of the telepathic link, and there's no telling how the baby might react."

Wanting to turn to what, in his eyes, was a more pressing matter, Figrin delicately posed a question that had been floating about in the back of his mind since her comment about "hoping to do more as a Jedi."

"Do you..." he paused, searching for the proper wording, "... feel that your life as a Jedi is... well... not all that it could be?"

[Helenias Evenstar]

"It would not be wise to attempt a mind probe" I said after some thought. "I was conditioned to resist them in my days as a Imperial Guard and added to what I have now, I don't see it being a prudent move"

"How could I not want to do more as a Jedi?" I added. "I dont speak of this to others, but you know whom I am betroved to. You, I believe are one of the few who knows what my relationship to Master Elessar is. I came here because I wanted to follow in his footsteps. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is that the only thing I can do well is see the future? Oh, I could beat you into a red smear right now, but that's not being a Jedi, is it? I dont like being compared to him and found wanting, even if I know well almost all of us would fare unfavouribly if compared to him"

"But more than that Figrin, I want him to be proud of me. I want to be the best Jedi I can be and I feel that there is just so much more that I could obtain and do if I just knew how! I want to be able to train my child one day. I want.... to be a Jedi Knight, not in name because of my reputation and what I've done in the past, but in truth"

"It may be that I am not thinking straight, because of the hormone inbalances and the changes I feel inside, but I do wish to be better than I am. I know there is more than what I have, even if I could defeat all in battle. Being a Senator and now, a expectant mother shows me just how much more. I'd have asked him and told him these things, except I have not seen or heard of Marcus for many months. He doesn't even know I'm pregnant"

And I think I'm going to wet myself if the baby kicks me in the bladder again

[Figrin D'an]

The Jedi Master nodded. He understood her desires and her fears. Despite the perception that Jedi were supposed to have complete emotional control, reality dictated otherwise. They had the same desires and concerns as any other mortal being. They mearly had become adept at shielded such things behind the concepts of duty and service.

"A Jedi striving to be better is only natural. We each have thought as such at more than one time in our lives. We just have to be sure that desire is fueled by the right reasons."

Figrin took a deep breath through his nose, taking in the fresh air and the mild scent eminating from a nearby flowerbed. It allowed him a moment to compose his thoughts. On matters of the heart and of companionship, he was hardly an authority. All he could do was be honest and open with his opinions and advice, and hope that it would help Helenias with her internal struggles.

"I know you feel you have failings as a Jedi," he said frankly, but not without a sense of understanding. "And I know the recent months have been difficult for you. A mind of lesser will would have been crushed by the weight of what you have had to endure. The very fact that you have endured is a testament to what you have the ability to become. It all began when you made a choice. A choice to remain here with us, rather than leave the Order and your life as a Jedi. You took the first step towards bettering yourself in that moment."

"I've known Marcus for many years now," Figrin continued, "long enough to know where his thoughts lie even when he does not speak them openly. Even when he is troubled by concerns of galactic proportion, he thinks about you. He cares for you deeply, and I know that he wants you be happy and safe above all else."

"Like so much in our lives, it becomes a matter of choice," the Jedi Master said as he folded his hands behind his back and stood to his full height. "The choice of how you handle being a mother is before you, as is how you choose to be better Jedi. When you are ready, you will have help. The first step is yours to take, however, just as it was when you stood in front of the Council."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"I know" I said softly. "I've made many first steps in my life. To begin has never scared me. I made a pledge to be a Jedi and I hold to that. I've thought this over master Figrin and if I was going to give up, I would never have asked you to meet me. I owe it to myself. I owe it to others. And... owh, I'm going to sit down. This damn baby kicked my bladder again"

There was a bench nearby. Thank God.

"This really has been a time of learning for me. I know I've failed with Sejah and Tondry, but I know why. I know why Marcus does as he doesn, but I know it's not for me. I know there is ability locked in me. I know that while I am troubled... I can be happy here. I can make a difference. I can find acceptance even if this nice Temple is in some ways the fault of my actions against you. That is something I have found amazing - no one holds a grudge. You Jedi really can be amazing. Some of you suck, but others... really are beings to truly admire"

[Figrin D'an]

Figrin shook his head, smiled and chuckled under his breath.

"Well," he said, hardly containing his laughter at her comment, "it's good to know that we've done something to impress you in the time you've been here."

He took a moment to regain his composure, then sat down next to Helenias.

"Even though there is that strange irony to you being here with us, there isn't a Jedi among us whom would wish it any differently. Your past is your past. You are a Jedi, you will always have a home among us. And you will always be able to seek help from your Jedi brothers and sisters."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"That is good to know, even if your laughing at my discomfort"

On a whim, I poked my tongue out, playfully. At least I still had some sense of humour. But even then, I still could turn serious, which I now did.

"Even if I don't see eye to eye with other Jedi, Master. I've learned so much, but I still disagree with some of the code. I just can't see how it can work in reality. It's nice to have ideals, but ideals count for nothing in dark and deadly places like I've been. It seems to me we Jedi like to live in an tower, above and beyond all others. Even now, even as a senator with all the privledges and trappings, I prefer to walk in the alleys and valleys, to remind myself what life is really like for most the Galaxy. In some ways, that's where I truly belong. I know that what is right is not always what is legal and the single minded pursuit of law can cause suffering and pain for innocents"

Did he know what I was alluding to? The question that I had pondered - why had Tondry arrested Xazor? Why was he hell bent on a vendetta against his ex-wife? Why had he gone and totally <smallfont color=#98271E>-Censored-</smallfont>ed up years of hard work and patient nudging, to bring De'ville to the Jedi?

"Why, when something is right, will others choose law and damn the consequences? I don't get it"

[Figrin D'an]

"Such is never an easy question to answer," he replied candidly. "One's personal experiences will tend to shape one's opinions on the line between doing good by the law, and doing good by a personal moral compass."

"For you," he continued, "your life and experiences have taught you that only you can truely determine what is right, and that you must trust your instincts. No matter how much you learn or adapt to life as a Jedi, that part of you will never change. It's part of who you are."

"For me...," he paused, allowing his thoughts to coalesce and considering the proper wording, "I see the Code as an ultimate goal existing in a perfect universe. No Jedi has ever achieved the completeness that it personifies, and no Jedi ever will. No Jedi ever can, because it's not possible. Reality, as you said, won't allow it. But that doesn't mean that the Code should be ignored or discredited. Rather, it's something for which we can still strive, and something that can serve as a guideline. Our ideals... our beliefs... shape who we are. Whether we follow a written code or the laws of a society or our own personal perception of right and wrong, it is still important to have those ideals to travel with us throughout our lives."


The Jedi Master sighed a little, pondering the tone with which Helenias had spoken.

"I have a suspicion that there is more to your words than mearly philosophical musings. Do you wish to talk about it?"

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Maybe later" I replied. "Yes.... maybe later"

I paused for moment.

"For now, you give me much to think about. But there is something that I think I should say - if the Jedi code is the ultimate goal, it's a cold, emotionless one. The Galaxy isn't black and white. It would be nice if it was, but..... it's not. Maybe that's my past experience speaking. All I can strive for is to live in peace and security with the ones I love. Have you ever experienced love, Master D'An?"