Silent Shattering....(Closed)

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Continued from here. (http://www.swforums.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=31523)



How she got back to her quarters, Quay'na didn't know. Her entire body was numb with grief and disappointment. For the first time she was glad that her Master was away, her emotional state would only bring questions.

Questions, she didn't intend on answering. Tears silently slid down her cheeks, she knew what her life had become.

Disgraceful. Vile. And so many other terrible words.

There weren't many options for her now and she knew deep down what she had to do. It was time to end all her pain, her sorrow...her disgrace towards the Order. No one would understand. All her friends she had let down. Her Master, she had lied too...the drugs.

It would be better this way to just let everything go. She had allowed herself to become angry and felt the coldness and hatred of the Darkside. A place where she had vowed never to touch, yet she did today. Another failure.

She was no Jedi, Daiquiri was right, she didn't belong here. She belonged nowhere, the very place where her actions were to take her.

With a deep breath, she sat down on the couch and took Sage's datapad. She began with a message:

Sage,

I've finally come to realize that the Order is not my place, I have no place. None that I deserve. I've lied to you and I'm deeply sorry. You deserve a better Padawan, one that has it in them to become a Jedi. I do not and I've just come to realize it. My life is so messed up and there is no way to fix things, I'm sorry. I have failed you in the worst way, by the time you receive this letter, I'll be one with the Force. There is no turning back for me, my life is over....

Quay'Na Rakai

With tears in her eyes, she placed the datapad on the coffee table, where Sage would find it. Her mind was screaming in agony.

Silently, she walked to her room and grabbed her bottle of stimulants that she had hidden in a drawer. With a deep sigh, she took one last look at her room before she exited it and went to the kitchen. She had learned where everything was in Sage's kitchen and opened a bottom cabinet.

One bottle of Naboo red wine sat there in the back, with shakey hands she pulled it out. It was brand new.

She stared at it for a long moment, with tears streaming down her cheeks. Quay'Na turned and grabbed her robe, she stuck the pill bottle in her pocket and hid the wine within the folds of fabric of her robes. With one last glance of the apartment, she once called home, she turned and exited...not bothering to close the door.

The cooridors were vaguely empty as Quay'Na walked along quickly, hoping not to pass anyone she knew. She made her way to the hover pad, a place where she could see the city that carried on for miles.

This was it, the time had come as she took off the lids to the wine and the pills and dumped a handfull of pills into her hand and threw the rest aside.

Quay'Na stared at the pills and started to shake, something inside was begging her not to do it. "Stop!" She yelled. "I'm not a Jedi! I'm not worthy of the title!"

At that moment, she tilted her head back and took in the pills, then swallowed them down with a gulp of wine. She nearly choked, but managed to get them down. Now, all she had to do was wait...

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali had been walking down the corridor towards her quarters, when the vision hit her. Everything disappeared before her and Quay'Na Rakai came into her view. It was so 'real' it was startling and made her head hurt. She saw Quay'Na on the hover pad, immensely devastated with wine and bottle of pills. She watched in horror as Quay swallowed a handful of pills down with the wine...

"Noo!" she screamed as the vision came to an abrupt end leaving her in the corridor with several others staring at her as if she were some lunatic. But. she paid not attention. Quay'Na needed her friends!

She began running down the corridor and commed her Master. "Master! Master! Please get to the hover pad! Quay'Na's committing suicide!! Hurry, before it's too late!! She may have already taken the pills!! I'm on my way!!"

She prayed they wouldn't be too late and informed Mylia of the same. "Contact anyone you know that cares about Quay'Na at all! She needs us!!"

[Dasquian Belargic]

Dasquian arrived onto the scene first, being already quite near where Quay’Na was. He saw her, distraught as before. Her back was turned, but he could feel the emotion ebbing out of her – all that pain and grief and hurting, and now fear.

“Quay’Na!” Dasquian’s voice was stern as he called out, reaching her and turning her by grabbing one shoulder. He fixed her with a stare.

“This isn’t right. He must come to the med-bay. Immeadiately.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na looked at him through tear-stained eyes and shook her head. "It doesn't matter, Master Dasquian. I don't deserve to live anymore....too much has happened..." Her voice seemed very far away to her as her emotions were on a downslide. Crashing at the end of a bleak tunnel, with no way out.

[Dasquian Belargic]

“Quay, I know you are upset, but this is not the way to deal with it… please come with me before any real damage is done.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Tears flowed from her. "I can't...I've failed everyone around me and I've done things that are not the way of the Jedi. Things that, I can't take back...." She looked down and let the wine bottle slip from her hand, letting it crash on the pavement.

[Dasquian Belargic]

“Quay,” he steadied her, holding her shoulders with both hands.

“We all do things we regret, but what makes us good people is that we learn from these mistakes and go on to grow and become better for it.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"But, I've committed a sin...and...I felt the darkside today." More tears fell. "Daiquiri was right, I'm no Jedi...."

[Dasquian Belargic]

“She was right; you are not a Jedi – not yet! You have so much ahead of you, Quay. We all face hurdles in training and in life. Please don’t fall and give up at this one. I foresee you will one day be a great Jedi.”

He sighed, a pleading look in his eyes.

“Don’t do this for me or the others, do it for yourself. You’re better than this.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na could begin to feel the effects of the drugs and alcohol as her thoughts began to pick up on the possibilities that just maybe she wasn't the failure that she had thought herself to be.

Dasquian's words had hit a new realm for. She nodded at him. "I want to be a good Jedi....but I fear...it's too late..." Her words began to slur.

[Dasquian Belargic]

“It’s not too late, Quay.”

But it might be if we don’t get to the med-bay soon, he thought.

“Come on, we have to get you to a doctor quickly.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na finally nodded as she took a step forward. "I'm ready to go..." Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion and her mind didn't seem to want comprehend it.

[Dasquian Belargic]

Dasquian took her hand and lead her in off of the pad through the halls. He was trying to move as quickly as possible, but Quay was acting sluggishly.

“Almost there, Quay, almost,” he reassured her, as he felt some of her fear dwindling away. Either she was confident that she hadn’t taken enough to finish herself off, or she was too drugged to care.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

With every step it got harder, it almost seemed as if her legs were being weighted down. Her mind felt nothing and Dasquian's voice seemed to echo in her head.

"...Wha..." She tried to mumble as she saw the ground come up to greet her and then darkness.

[Dasquian Belargic]

Dasquian stumbled and managed to catch Quay as she fell. He struggled a moment to lift her – she felt like a dead weight – before eventually carrying on walking with the Padawan draped, limp, in his arms.

“Don’t give up on us, Quay.”

He wobbled into the med bay and was rushed to instantly by some medics who set the Padawan down onto a bed. He was silently praying to the Force that he hadn’t been too late, or taken to long to convince her. It would have been such a terrible thing to loose her; he didn’t even want to think about it.

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali suddenly ran in. "Master! I went by her quarters and found this!" She handed him Sage's datapad. "It was on the way and her door was open! Oh, Force were we too late?" She was nearly out of breathe as she spoke.

[Dasquian Belargic]

“I don’t know,” Dasquian sighed.

“She fainted on the way here,” he added, watching as the doctors got to trying to help her. Dasquian didn’t know what they were going to do, but hoped it would work.

[imported_Jacali Danner]

"Why has she done this, Master? I've not talked to her in a while, she always seemed to be on the go. Mylia and I have both tried to reach out to her, but she just passed us by, so we quit trying." She felt bad for saying so.

[Dasquian Belargic]

“She has been very distressed about the death of her friend,” Dasquian replied quietly.

“She says that she has acted upon the darkside, no doubt due to her loss.”

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali stared at him as she ran a hand through her hair. "The darkside." Jacali whispered, oh she felt bad now. "Oh, Master, perhaps, we should've tried harder. I feel terrible."

[Dasquian Belargic]

“It’s difficult to know how to act around those who have experienced a loss,” Dasquian explained.

“I didn’t want to be too pushy or too distant with her. I thought it would be best to allow her to come to terms with it herself. I suppose I was wrong.”

[imported_Jacali Danner]

The young Padawan looked at him sadly. "I wish, there was something we could do. Just to let her know we're here for her. What about her Master?"

[Lady Mylia]

When Mylia got word of Quay'Na she tried to contact as many people as possible. Everyone she could think of that was close to Quay. After getting ahold of them she ran to the med bay, where Jacali had informed her they would be. She was breathless by the time that she reached Jacali and Dasquian. "I'm not late am I?"

[imported_Kanji]

Kanji peered around the door seconds after Mylia, a cookie stuck firm in his snout and his jedi uniform's pockets bulging with more. "What'ssss happened, why issss Ma'am Quay ssssleeping sssso?!"

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali looked at Kanji and Mylia. "We dont' know anything yet, guys." Her attention went to Kanji for a moment. "Quay'Na...tried to...commit suicide, Kanji." Her voice trembled.

[imported_Kanji]

Kanji's eyes widened, "Ssssh... sssshe tried? Then sssshe issss alright... right?" His voice seemed to crack mid-sentence, before returning to the hissing muscial tone.

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali shook her head with a concerned look. "We don't know. All we can do is pray to the Force, she'll be okay."

[Jakob Burton]

Jake drifted for quite some time, way into unconsciousness. He could hear or see nothing from the outside world......all that was there was the darkness.....

And the eyes, those red, hellish eyes, constantly looking down upon him, pressing him, telling him what to do. It was easy at first to deny it, but it became increasingly harder. The more he shifted and got better at it, the stronger it became. It was constantly beckoning to him.

"Come. Walk with me....Join me....Walk....my....paaath."

The voice was quiet now, but it still held power....like power from beyond the grave, beyond the living side of the Force, beyond the Light......

Where only darkness resided......

But as encompassing as the abyssmal black was, a light was shining....what was that light? Jake couldn't identify it, but he could get closer. And as he spectrally closed in, he could see her.......

....Q.....

Jake shot up from his bed immediately, drenched in cold sweat. He should shower, but Quay'Na needed him NOW, not LATER. He shot up from his bed, snatched his pants, a t-shirt, and boots from the floor, running as he changed. More than half-way down the darkened hallway, he was finished and running at a breakneck pace. It was a pace athletic coaches and sprinters would and could only dream about......his primal urge was helping him, making him shift slightly, strengthening his arms, his legs, his body as a whole. His eyes seemed a bit wild, feral even, but they also seemed a bit dead, as if they were devoid of life. The glimmer had died, but it was because he was totally phased out, completely in tune with Q.....

Take a right....

He almost slid off of his feet, turning as sudden and as fast as he did. His palms hit the floor and sprung him, propelling him even faster down the bland hallways. He was almost there...

....Almost there....

The doors seemed not to exist as he hit them full on, nearly knocking the old-styled doors from their hinges. He was in the med-bay, and there way Quay'Na, lying there on a bed, looking terrible, much worse than he looked, his hair unkempt and messy, his eyes regaining some warmth, depth, and sadness all in one instant. His skin was pale, and he looked at Dasquian. Jake's voice was much deeper, and his looks more feral than usual.

"Please don't tell me.......that she's......she's....."

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia looked to Jake. "We don't know anything yet. We are all just waiting to hear." She went over to Jacali and grabbed her hand. Praying silently for their hurting friend.

[Dasquian Belargic]

Dasquian looked to the obviously distress Garou. Some people dealt with crisis better than others. He remained silent, simply contemplating his thoughts.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

OOC: Well, our Doctor guy is not working, so I'll just have to post him through Quay...

IC:

Dr. Radnor walked out a while later and looked over the array of worried faces then walked over to Dasquian. "Sir, are you the one that brought in Miss Rakai? If so, you got her in here in just the right time, she's going to make it."

[Dasquian Belargic]

“Thank the Force,” Dasquian breathed a sigh of relief.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

The doctor nodded, "I'm having her blood recyled to strain out the poisons and we'll have her in a room shortly. It'll be a while until she wakes up. I have done some tests on her and we've found strains of the stimulates in her sytem that have been there for quite a while that show her to be in more of...an addictive state. The recycling will help with that as well."

[Dasquian Belargic]

“Recycling?”

That didn’t sound pleasant. Dasquian sighed, and looked around realizing that he’d been in the med-ward quite often recently.

“You’re the doctor, you know best,” he conceded, “… would you like us all to leave?”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"No, that's not necessary. But, when you go into see her, please keep it down to only one or two people at the most." He answered as he looked at the group that had slowly been getting bigger. "When she does awaken, I'm not sure what her mental state will be and too many people in with her might be a bit overwhelming. I need to get back to my patient, Sir." He concluded as he turned and walked back into the next room.

[imported_Kanji]

Kanji exhaled deeply, relaxing back at the good news. His heart had been beating like a punk-rocker's drum set as the doctor came forth, but with the good news came relaxation. "That issss very good newsss," He whispered, mainly to himself as he recited a small prayer mentally.

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali looked at Mylia with a tear in her eye, "she's gonna be okay. She's gonna be okay!" She hugged her friend.

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia returned Jacali's embrace. "I know, I know." Mylia said as a tear dripped down her cheek as well.

[Dr. Hayden Radnor]

It wasn't twenty minutes later, Dr. Radnor appeared again. "We've got her in a room, please if you would all come with me." He led them through the large metal doors and down a long cooridor. "We've decided to put her in a room with an observation room attached, so your group may see her through the windows at all times. But, still only two at a time in her room." He warned as he opened a door and showed them in. A large curtain was closed along one of the walls. The room was set up in the style of a waiting room. With couches, chairs and tables, vending machines and a small kitchenette.

Dr. Radnor waited until all Quay'Na's friends were in the room and closed the door.

"I need to warn you, Miss Rakai is hooked up to a couple of machines. The one machine is the blood recycler, she has a tube in her right arm that is taking the blood from her body and straight to the machine, where it is removing the toxins. Then, it is sending it back through to her body in her left. The machine will be making some clicking and whirling noises so don't be alarmed. I've also got her hooked up to a couple of IV's and oxygen." With all that said, Dr. Radnor opened up the curtain.

An unconscious and rather pale Quay'Na lay there in a bed, covered up with both her arms showing. The tubes that the doctor had spoke of were all existant and doing there magic.

"I'll leave you all now and please remember only one or two at a time and there are no speakers or hidden mics in that room or this one, so say what you need to say. She may hear your words from time to time. If anyone else shows up front, we'll direct them here." With that, he nodded and exited the room, closing door.

[Jakob Burton]

Jake looked outward, beyond the pane, to poor, pale Quay'Na. Why her? She was so in control, so in tune with herself, and now this......it was all because of Vega.....Anger wanted to well up inside him, but he calmed himself, keeping his mind and focus fixed on Quay'Na. She would need him to be calm and collected, not a mess like this. He needed to be strong for her, at a time when she couldn't be. He sat in a lone chair, by himself. His head was in his hands, and he rubbed his temples, to relax himself, but not to a point of sleep......the voice was the last thing he needed "to hear" at this point in time.....

[Dasquian Belargic]

“Jakob,”

Dasquian stood over the Garou Padawan.

“Don’t worry. She will be well soon.”

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Why was it when someone was getting better, that they still looked so bad? Jacali pondered on this thought for a little bit as she looked at her friend through the glass. She looked so lifeless and they had come so close to losing her, it was scary. With a deep sigh, wondered what more she could possibly do to to help Quay'Na.

Jacali looked at Jake, he was taking it hard and she wished there was more she could do to help him as well, but she doubted any of her words would help.

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia stood looking through the glass as poor Quay. A single tear dripped down her cheek. Poor Poor Quay. She wished there was more she could to for Quay. She looked around the room at all th gloomy faces, she wishes there was more she could do for her friends as well. She sighed deeply and turned back towards Quay.

[Pierce Tondry]

The door to the observation room opened, and Pierce stepped through. Catching sight of Quay'Na made him pause, but then he continued on into the room, letting the doorknob slip from his fingertips.

There was a soft click and the door was closed, leaving Pierce looking at Quay'Na's friends. "I got word that another Jedi was in the medical ward," he said quietly. "So I came to check and found out it was Quay. What happened?"

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia looked up to Pierce with sad eyes. "She tried to..." She paused for a moment. "...commit suicide." She choked on the last part of her statement.

[Pierce Tondry]

Pierce's brows furrowed in concern. "Why?"

[Sejah Haversh]

The clank of padded metal and the scuffing of slippered feet slowly grew neared,a nd eventually Sejah appeared from around the corner. He was dressed in a hospital gown covered with aburgundy terrycloth robe, and a set of metal bracers ran up both his legs and arms as he leaned heavily on a walking frame. His coma had kept him out of things for nearly a month, and only recently had he woken. Being already in the med-bay himself, the injured mongoose made his way over as fast as he could when he learned that Quay'Na was there.

Speaking in a slightly stumbling voice, he asked, "I heard she was here. Will she be... okay?"

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali sighed as she held the datapad that was to be found by Quay'Na's master, Sage. She walked over and handed it to Pierce. "This is the message she left for her master, Pierce." She told him quietly. "And she'd been really upset about a good friend's passing the other night. That's about all we know." She looked at the brown mongoose that just hobbled in. "She's going to be okay, it'll just take some time, that's all. She's out of danger."

[Dasquian Belargic]

Dasquian nodded to both Pierce and Sejah, smiling at seeing the latter up and about again.

“Got there just in time, I think.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Death was upon her, it’s cold breath and jagged claws reached out to grasp her soul. It’s darkness blanketed her and burned her body with a fury that she could barely fathom.

Quay'Na fought it’s hellish rage with every ounce of mental strength she could muster.

But, it fed on that strength and taunted her with it’s burning.
When the burning finally subsided, it left her exhausted and at a loss as she teetered between the chasm of life and death.

As her body yearned for death, her mind strived further into the vast balance of life. With death would come a release from all the pain that she had suffered.

The pain of her past, the pain of her future, the pain she had now.
The young Padawan had willed herself to live the life she had, even when death had been only a step away. Death could’ve been so easy, so many times and yet she earned her right to live.

And now, death was a heartbeat away and she was tired. She was ready to give into death and accept her fate without fear.
But, then a mental flash of Dasquian entered her hellish nightmare, calming it with his pleading eyes.

Don't give up on us, Quay.

His gentle voice had been enough to give her the strength she needed, the strength to stay...if she could.

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia peered through the window at Quay. She looked up slowly to the others. "I would like to go in with Quay soon. Who wants to go first?" She looked back to Quay. "Only two at a time."

[Pierce Tondry]

The hand holding the note slowly fell to Pierce's side. "I'm not so sure," he said slowly. "I think I should go talk to her when she wakes up. Alone."

He scanned the room at Quay'Na's friends, his own eyes reflecting a mix of understanding and concern. Though his instincts told him he had insight into her situation, each person in this room had bonded with Quay at some point and Pierce could not ignore that. "If you don't mind, that is."

[imported_Kanji]

Kanji glanced up from the looking glass, "I do not mind, Ssssir, but I do think it would be alright for me to sssstay behind this glassssss while sssshe awakes?" He pondered the question silently, his eyes moving back to the glass and Quay as he crouched to a sit.

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali nodded towards Pierce as well. "I don't mind, I just want her to get better." She slumped onto one of the nearby couches and sighed deeply.

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia shrugged. "Go ahead, I don't mind either." Mylia continued looking through the glass at Quay. She sighed and looked back to Pierce.

[Jakob Burton]

Jake looks at Dasquian.

"Yeah, I know. She's a toughie. I just haven't been sleeping lately, that's all."

Jake noted that no one was going into the room when she woke up. Being the kind of person he is, an individual of straight and direct paths, one who does things and starts trends, Jake jumped up from his seat and silently left the room. Once in the hallway, he reached for the panel to Quay'Na's room and opened it, seeing her in her condition. Grabbing the chair next to her bed, he spun it backwards soundlessly, sitting in it and leaning his chin on his hands, just staring at her. His next words were whispered, close to silent.

"Yeah, a real tough cookie."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

A couple of hours later, Quay'Na let out a soft moan as she slowly moved her head.

[Jakob Burton]

Jake smiled, getting out of the chair and leaning forward, into her point of vision, but giving her space, so as not to crowd her.

"Q? You awake?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

She heard his voice echo in her head as the dark blanket slowly began to lift. Her sensing abilities began to errupt slowly, she felt Jake's presence. Then, she heard some kind of strange clicking and whirling noise.

Her eyes didn't seem to want to open quite yet as she let out another soft groan. Besides, that her head hurt really bad.

"Jake..." her voice softly mumbled, her mouth was dry and it was hard to speak.

[Jakob Burton]

Jake grabbed from the bedside table a tall glass of water, and held it so she could see it.

"God, you had me worried.....here, this might help a little."

He waited for an indication of whether or not she wanted him to hold the water for her.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

She didn't quite understand what he was saying as her eyes finally opened, she was so groggy. She only saw Jake for a mere second, before darkness swallowed her up again.

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali had been standing near the window when she noticed Quay'Na's movement. "She's moving!" She cried.

[Pierce Tondry]

"I'll be back," Pierce said quietly. He stood from the chair he'd been straddling and went into Quay'Na's ward, leaving everyone else remaining in the anteroom.

It was the second hospital visit Pierce had made in as many weeks. Remind me not to get put in here, he thought to himself. All it ever does is depress the hell out of people.

Indeed, looking at Quay'Na was depressing. The first time they'd met in that exercise room back at the Academy, she had been very vibrant and full of life. Now she was yet another face for death to smile at him through.

Pierce gently brushed the hair back from Quay'Na's brow. "You awake in there?" he asked softly.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na was on the edge of consciousness, she heard his voice echo through her. Pierce. She knew his voice and fought to bring herself back, back to the living...

She groaned again and winced at the headache she had. "Pierce..." she spoke in nearly a whisper as she slowly opened her eyes. It was him, as her eyes focused and brought him into view.

[Pierce Tondry]

"Hey," Pierce said, giving Quay'Na a few seconds to adjust to her surroundings. "How you feeling?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na's mind was still quite foggy as she looked at him. "I...I...what happened...where am I?" She looked at him blankly and then it came to her. "Oh, God..."

[Pierce Tondry]

"Remembering the whole suicide thing, I'm guessing," Pierce chuckled. Then his face became quietly serious. "Why, Quay?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

A look of shame overcame her and she shook her head. "Oh, Peirce...I've...I've done some terrible things..." Her eys brimmed with tears.

"Things that are....unforgiveable." Silent tears fell down her cheeks.

[Pierce Tondry]

"Are they really?" Pierce frowned sternly. "Or do you just not want to bother with earning forgiveness?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I don't deserve forgiveness...I've commited a sin." She didn't look at him, she couldn't. "I've committed adultry..." She sighed deeply. "...with a ....darksider.." The words brought on a fresh new falling of tears.

[Pierce Tondry]

"Mmhm," Pierce said. "Let me guess how it went- you encountered them completely by chance. A few days later, they're back in your life. You don't understand why, really, but you get swept up in the way things go. It's a whirlwind of fun and excitement as you get to meet this new person who seems like everything you've ever wanted."

"But somewhere along the line, you realize there are things about this person that don't fit the picture in your head. And they do things that aren't right, but they're not really wrong either. So you keep their secrets, thinking these little pieces don't really indicate anything darker or deeper. While you're turning a blind eye to them, the pile of pieces grows."

"And then one day the puzzle pieces assemble themselves into a completely different picture, and you wonder how you could have missed it. It occurs to you that you've made a mess of everything. And you want to end it for yourself so you can stop the pain."

"But what you've forgotten is that the same people who were counting on you all along to do the right thing are still counting on you now. Do you really think killing yourself is going to fulfill the commitments you've made, Quay'Na?"

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"It didn't matter then, Pierce. I was handling it and I didn't know that he was married." She shook her head. "It was all like a dream, a fairy tale....but it ended when he was killed and I saw it happen like nightmare...." Her sentence trailed off as her mind replayed the night Vega was killed. "I watched him...die.."

Her face was expressionless as more tears slipped down her cheeks. "Suicide was just a needed relief to end the pain I felt... I knew no one would understand...how could they?" But, in a way, she felt he did understand.

[Pierce Tondry]

"You take anti-depressents to relieve pain, not your own life," Pierce countered. "The reason people wouldn't understand is because your line of thinking isn't logical. Not once did I ever think suicide was the answer, and I still don't."

The implications of Pierce's statement hung in the sudden silence.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

It took a few moments before Quay'Na could answer. "You don't understand...his wife came to me. She taunted me...invited me to his frelling wake!" Quay'Na stopped and put her head in her hands and willed herself not to cry. This hurt so bad, still.

Once under control again, she looked at him through tear-stained eyes. "I felt the darkside that day, Pierce. And in doing so, it claimed to be another failure." She looked down at her lap and looked athte tubes in her arms. "I've failed everyone...all my friends...Sage....the Order..."

[Pierce Tondry]

"You're not the first."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na's body felt numb again. "I'm a fool...how could I ever imagine that someone like Vega...could ever love me?" Her voice was distant.

[Pierce Tondry]

"Because that's exactly what you were doing- imagining. It happens to everyone." Pierce paused. "It happened to me."

[Dasquian Belargic]

Dasquian couldn’t hear what was being inside, but he stood watching never the less, just to make sure Quay was still alright.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na just stared at him. "Wh-what did you say?"

[Pierce Tondry]

"The whole 'falling in love with a Dark Jedi' thing," Pierce said, swirling a hand around in the air. "It happened to me. And I'm still here."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Yeah, I see you, but you're so much stronger than I am. I mucked up everything and by the time I tried to do something about it, I was in too deep. I started taking stimulants to make up for the sleep I was missing. My training started going downhill and for the life of me...I was lost..."

[Pierce Tondry]

Pierce frowned sternly at Quay'Na again. "Stronger only means I got in more over my head. I hid the knowledge that I was married for years- years, Quay, not weeks- from the Jedi, from my superior officers in the NRI, from my squadmates who depend on me to make choices with their lives. And during those years my wife killed people, people who might have been saved if I had done what was truly right."

Pierce put a hand to his forehead, as though it somehow might ease the recollection. "And do you know how it all blew up in my face? I learned she didn't trust me. My own wife not trusting me. We had a child together, and she didn't trust me."

Pierce laughed, bitterly, mockingly. "I felt so used at that point. So wrung out and thrown away- I'd hid her whereabouts because I thought I loved her and look where it got me. Do you know that everytime my son thinks about his mother, he gets this ache in his tiny little heart that I can't fix? Do you know how that kills me inside?"

"Stimulants. Lost sleep, missed training-" Pierce cut himself off with a headshake and a sigh. "Quay, you got off easy. Don't try and throw your life away over this again. You've got too much to live for."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

QuayNa looked at him, her heart was heavy. "I'm sorry, Pierce. I felt no other way to go at that moment. I guess, I felt that one less problemed Padawan would ease everyone's mind. In my eyes, I had hit rock bottom and there was no way out for me."

Her eyes teared again. "I felt..I didn't have a choice. But after hearing what you went through..."

[Pierce Tondry]

"There's always choices, Quay," Pierce said heavily. "You just gotta go for the right ones from the start. You can't take the path paved only with good intentions because it ends up in hell."

He reached out and gave Quay'Na's hand a squeeze. "But you made it through alive, and you can take strength from what you've endured. That's the important thing."

Pierce looked backward at the people still in the waiting room. "You've got other visitors," he said. "And I can't stay. Just don't forget to make better choices than suicide this time."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I will, I promise." She squeezed his hand back. "Thanks for the talk, Pierce. It gives me a lot to think about from now on. I'm sorry I let you don't, it won't happen again." She gave him the best smile she could muster, but it wasn't much. "It's good to know that someone cares."

[Pierce Tondry]

"Just take care of yourself, Quay," Pierce said. "That's all we ask."

Giving her hand a final pat, Pierce turned and re-entered the waiting room. "I think it'd be good for her to get some visitors," he said to the assembled. "I've said my piece- you guys go on in."

And Pierce left.

[Faith Lerf]

delete

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia had been watching through the window. She stomach in knots. After a few silent moments after Pierce left, Mylia spoke up. "I'd like to go now, if no one else minds."

[imported_Jacali Danner]

Jacali looked at her. "I don't mind, go ahead."

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia looked around the room, waiting for others answers.

[Dasquian Belargic]

Dasquian gave a small nod.

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia nodded and walked out of the room, closing the door gently behind her. She entered Quay's room, very slowly. "Hello Quay." She whispered as she made her way to Quay's bed. She tried to smile as best she could.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay smiled weakly at her. "Hey, I guess I have some big time apologing for."

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia shook her head. "You don't have to apologize for anything. Just promise me you will get better, that's all I ask."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I'm going to do my best, Mylia. I'm so sorry for worrying everyone, I guess I lost all perception of everything around me. I won't do that again." Quay'Na sighed. "I felt like I had failed everyone and it wouldn't matter if I was gone. I see differently now."

[Lady Mylia]

"I'm glad you learned a lesson from all this, but just know one thing, it would matter greatly is you were gone. You impact everyone around you for the better. Please, don't think you failed anyone." Mylia moved closer to Quay and reached out for her hand, she gave it a little squeeze.

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"Thank you, Mylia. Vega really screwed with my mind." She admitted. "I've done some pretty bad things and I've hurt an awful lot of people because of it."

[Jakob Burton]

OOC: Just to verify, 'cause life's been beatin' me bad, Jake is out of the room and back in the antechamber.

IC:

Jake sat, wondering what he was to say to Quay'Na. He had never been too good with words....his raising didn't require expressing one's self verbally often, unless it were grunts, groans, or screams of pain. He took a glass of water, drinking it slowly, feeling it liquidize his throat. He simply waited.

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia nodded. "I know you feel guilty, but you can't let that tear you down anymore. It's over, now focus on your recovery. That's all we ask from you."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

She couldn't help, but to feel guilty. It was just there. Quay'Na would try to push it aside, but it was hard, very hard. What had Vega done to her? Her heart and mind still ached and she wondered it that feeling would ever leave her as well.

"I will focus on my recovery, Mylia. It will just take me some time to get over Vega."

[Lady Mylia]

"That's understandable, I know how it can be." She smiled and squeezed Quay's hand again. "Well, I better share you now, there is a room full of people just waiting to see you." She bent down and gave Quay a hug. "Take Care."

[Quay'Na Rakai]

It felt good to be hugged. "I will, my friend. Thanks for being there for me. I'll never forget it."

[Lady Mylia]

Mylia smiled and winked. "I won't let you forget it..." She said as she stroud out of the room. She entered the waiting room and looked at the others. "Thanks guys."

[Dasquian Belargic]

Dasquian decided he would be the next to enter, and walked into the room Quay was in. He sat down in silence and smiled slightly.

“Hello.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na knew this was going to be hard, he saw her at her worst and regretted it deeply. "Hi, Master Belargic." Her voice was etched with sorrow and regret. "I guess, I have you to thank that I'm here."

[Dasquian Belargic]

“You have yourself to thank, Quay,” he replied with a small nod.

“Only you yourself could make the right decision.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"But, I wouldn't have made the same decision had you not shown up as you did. How did you know?"

[Dasquian Belargic]

“It wasn’t hard to feel all of that pain… you were like a beacon in the Force.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I guess I seem pretty stupid to you now..." Her voice trailed off as she looked away.

[Dasquian Belargic]

“Not in the slightest. We all have times of weakness. As I have said, what shows character is being able to get through them.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"So, many hurtful things were going through my mind. Things that I had done and I couldn't focus on anything but my failures. I've never felt so low in my life and I just wanted all that pain to go away. I let everyone down." She sighed as tears silently slid down her cheeks.

[Dasquian Belargic]

“The only person you let down, when you give in is yourself, Quay. You aren’t here to impress others; you are here to do what is right for you. I cannot stress this enough.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"It's so hard though. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions at once and if I don't keep trying to keep up...I'll fall behind and I'm not one for doing that. So, I just keep burying myself deeper and deeper and that is when I started on the stims." She sighed deeply and wiped her eyes.

"I never meant for things to go this far..."

[Dasquian Belargic]

“Our life is what we make of it. Don’t allow yourself to become bogged down on the negative. It’s not a rehearsal – you only get one chance, so you want to live it as best you can.”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

"I will, Masster Belargic..." Her words started to slur slightly as the exhaustion started to dwell on her.

"I'll...remember.....that...." Her voice was barely a whisper as her eyes slowly closed and her body relaxed.

[Dasquian Belargic]

“It looks like you need to get some rest,”

Dasquian saw the drowsiness in Quay’s eyes and glanced back to the others, through the panel window.

“I’ll tell them to come back later, shall I?”

[Quay'Na Rakai]

Quay'Na opened her eyes barely and nodded. "I could...use some sleep..." Her body felt so tired. "Thanks, Das...for saving...my life." Her eyes closed again.

[Dasquian Belargic]

The Jedi Knight smiled and whispered a quiet ‘sweet dreams’ before getting to his feet. He headed out to where the others were and nodded back towards where the Padawan dozed.

“She needs to rest for a while. Give it a few hours.”