Letting go...(Xazor)

[River Kincaid]

It had only been a couple days, since River Kincaid had been taken on as Jedi Knight Xazor Elessar's Padawan. He had been very honored to be accepted by her and that the Order had accepted his family as well.

But, still with the acceptance of the Order, the true pain of his losses haunted him. River could barely sleep without seeing the tragic end of his wife, Angelina. Over and over again. At times, he felt strickened with guilt because of it.

But, he also remembered through teachings of his father that guilt could be turned into anger and anger was part of the Darkside. A place where he would not go, so he would release those feelings time and time again.

This time was no different, as he awakened in the perils of night. When would it end? After all, River had overcome so many things from his past, banishment from his clan, a marriage that was sought as a sacrilege and children who were ridiculed as being abominations.

Life had been rough for the Kincaid's from the start, but they always found a way to go on, but River wasn't so sure now.

Angelina, his beloved wife was gone. It was she who had inspired him so and now he often wondered if he had it in him to keep going. He needed to talk about things, get them out of his mind and hope that in return he could gain some kind of solace, in his time of need.

River's children were safe with a Jedi nursemaid, Cami, who had come to his quarters and now he awaited his Jedi Mistress, Xazor.

He didn't like to disturb her at such a late hour, but felt he hadn't a choice in the matter.

River had chosen a garden at the end of his corridor for Xazor to meet him, the peacefulness of it calmed him as he looked out to the ongoing lights of Coruscant and waited.

[Xazor Elessar]

From the time she had received his message, it had not taken Xazor long to find River. There he sat in the dim lights of the flourishing garden at the end of a desolate hall. His slightly bent figure rested upon a small bench in the center of the greenery, but it was not that which stood out in her mind. No -- it was a surge of emotion, a wave of energy through the Force, that got her attention immediatly. His heart was heavy as was his mind, and he was carrying a great weight upon his shoulders.

His life was difficult already, and now he took on the task of being a Jedi.

Stepping forward, the woman pulled her flowing white robes closer to her body as she was chilled from the night air. Her blonde hair hung at waist length and the silver coins woven into the many braids clanged together softly. "River -- I'm here." She spoke softly, her words more of a comfort than a notice. Moving over to him quickly, the young woman sat down beside him and placed a gentle hand upon his shoulder. "I got your message and came as soon as I could. Please, speak your mind freely and trust me -- I'm only here to help you." She said softly.

[River Kincaid]

"I feel my life is draining from me, Master." River began off-handedly, his emotions sinking deeper than his words. "I've come here to gain the knowledge to become a Jedi, but I am empty and at a loss. Angelina's death haunts me over and over, it won't let me go. Just as it won't let Hunter go."

He stood and paced around, his mind was beginning to race. "That child should have never seen what she did and it silently kills me inside to know that she witnessed such a horrible death to the very person that gave her life. How many more hardships must these children go through?"

Guilt and grief edged into his mind as he paced a few more times and then came to a halt and looked at his Master. "It was me, I caused all this pain and agony for them! It is because of me that I hold an empty void within..." His voice cracked with agony.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor winced slightly as he spoke. She could feel his pain -- she knew he had been through a tremendous amount in his life, there was no doubting that. As River stood and began to pace, the Jedi Knight rose with him and stood right in his path, forcing the young man to halt.

The Garou gently placed a hand upon his shoulder and squeezed it gently, allowing calming waves of Force energy to flow through her arm and into his body. "You are not to blame for this, River." She paused a moment and shook her head, a smile lightly dancing upon her lips. "The Force works in mysterious ways -- and though you may see these times as complete and utter rot, in the future, you'll look back on them and see them as a turning point in your life."

She squeezed his shoulder once again and smiled gently, though she was still quite concerned for the state he was in. "Come, sit with me and do not worry about anything right now. Just speak your mind and heart to me -- trust me, for I am not only your Master, I am also your friend. You would not have come to me unless you had hope for the future." Xazor smiled gently as she lead him back to the bench and sat down, tugging at his arm to bring him to sit beside her.

[River Kincaid]

River pulled his mind away from the haunting memories as he sat beside his Master. With a deep breath, he calmed his racing heart and focused on anything, but Angelina.

"My children are who I worry about the most." He told her, his strong Falycin accent began to bleed though. "Ry-Obi pretends to be strong, like me..but I feel his pain and as much as I try to help him. He pulls even further away. This was not my hopes for coming here, Master. I had come here gain your knowledge and to pull my family back together where they may feel a sense of peace. A sense of being...but, I have not felt that here lately."

River looked away as a single tear was shed.

Why is this so hard?

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor could sense his confusion and in this distraught state, she knew it would be easy for that confusion to turn into other things such as fear and hatred -- things of the Darkside. This concerned her even more than his past situations did. Sighing internally, the Knight sat and listened, not wishing to give him falso hope, nor give advice that was not needed.

She was silent and gave her heart to hear his.

It was then that she heard his thoughts and knew what he was going through. "Things were not meant to be easy. If they were, this life would not hold the title of 'difficult'." She chuckled lightly and smiled, though he looked away. Through the Force she could sense a solitary tear fall from his eye. Oh how she recalled the times in her life where she could have used a friend's shoulder to cry on.

"My life has not been all fun and games either." She began and her voice grew a bit distant in tone. Her eyes looked away and she turned her head to look off into the Coruscant night. "The darkness that faced you and haunts you still -- it once faced me and tortured me as well." She paused and glanced over at her Padawan with a sad smile upon her face. "I was not always this way, River. I caused so much pain and destruction long ago. I -- I was once a Sith Knight." She spoke softly, allowing the words to come directly from her heart. Xazor hoped that by telling her tale, he would soon realize that there was indeed hope to be held for his future -- for not everything that began in the dark ended up that way.

[River Kincaid]

A Sith knight? She had once been a Sith Knight? That was hard for River to believe. But he did believe her, not just because she was his Master, but he could see it in her eyes when he looked at her.

Xazor's eyes held the same compassion that Angelina's had and he suddenly felt calm again, somewhat at peace.

She had taught him for a couple of days and dregging up these horrible feeling in front of her, hurt. Yeah, it hurt and he wasn't afraid to show it, things that he had fought so hard against in the past couple of weeks. He could hold them in no longer.

"I must seem really weak to you right now." He said softly as he he looked down, tears began to well up in his eyes. "I know that I'm not the only one with pain and bad memories...but they seem so overbearing right now. Before, I had Angelina, she was my rock and I was hers, together we could do anything and we did. Now, that she's gone..." He couldn't finish.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor sighed to herself as he continued talking. She knew that he realized how much pain everyone felt in their lives -- but to him, at this moment, his was greater than all of that. Xazor understood -- she knew exactly how her Padawan felt. "River -- nothing is weak about one who allows their feelings to escape in a way that is peaceful, like this. Weak is when you become angry and you use that anger to give you false power, and then you hurt others. Misery loves company, yes?" She questioned, knowing that in so many situations, this had been her -- she had used her pain to bring pain to others so that they felt like her.

As River continued, the woman could feel his tears and knew that they were not the last. More would come and he would have to expect that. As soon as he stopped speaking, Xazor nearly finished his sentence instantly. "You feel like you can't carry on without her." She said softly. Her head lowered and her eyes shut and she nodded. "I too have felt this pain, my friend." The Knight spoke the truth -- she had lost several people she loved, but one person stood out in her mind. Thanatos. He had been someone who was there for her when she was hurting. He had been a sort of rock for some time -- and then, she watched him die and she could do nothing about it. "I've lost loved ones, but not just family -- I've lost two lovers in my life." She said softly, but he had no idea that one did not even die. Terran.

It was then that the woman felt her own tears stinging at the back of her lids. She did not fight them, though, and they rolled down her cheeks. Looking over at River, the woman smiled once again, though it seemed an odd time to do so. "I've moved on, though. As hard as it seemed at the time, and as difficult as the memories are to deal with -- I know that I serve a greater purpose and those things were just stepping stones to where I am now. They were the tools that molded me, and though it was painful at times, I've come to be a wonderful sculpture. Of course, I am still being molded -- and you are as well, but in time, we will look at ourselves in the mirror and realize that we would not have changed a thing in our past." She said softly, realizing for the first time that she had learned a great lesson, and now lived by it.

[River Kincaid]

River took what his Master said to heart. He wiped at his eyes and reached beneath his tunic and pulled out a small stone on a chain.

Courage. It read.

He understood now, what lay ahead of him. Pain and agony may await him at first, but further down the road would be happiness and joy.

But, what it would take to venture down that road was courage.

The Padawan stared at the stone for a moment and broke down. He leaned over and held his head in his hands, forgot about what was around him or who and wept.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor watched as her Padawan collapsed in tears. He wept for so many things, as she herself had done at times. She could feel his thoughts racing and with each painful one came more tears. Moving over slightly and shifting her weight, the Jedi Knight wrapped her arms around River and pulled him in close to her. "I'll be here for you, my friend. I will be your shoulder to cry on until your heart can mend." She whispered in his ear as she gently began to rock back and forth.

It was a moment of realization for the young woman. So many years ago, this had been her in the arms of her Master. Now she was holding one of her own Padawans, attempting to comfort him. "Everything will work itself out in the end, River. It always does. The Force watches out for its own and you are a chosen one." She smiled gently and continued rocking him in the manner that a mother rocks her child. Someday he would realize that the pain he had experienced had occured when he was being shaped the most.

[River Kincaid]

River had no idea how long he'd wept, but his Master was there and took it all. Emotion after emotion he let go, let it flow out from him with his tears..until finally there was nothing left.

His mourning had been a long time coming, this had been the first time he had let out his feelings of despair and he doubted it would be the last. But, it would be easier now.

Life would go on.

With a calming breath, he held on dearly to what Xazor had told him. Everything would work itself out. The Force watches out for it's own... He didn't want her to let go, he felt at peace in her arms. But, he would have to find that peace on his own, now. For his sake and the sake of his children.

"Thank you, Master." He said as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "I can finally see the light again. That dark place that I had seen for the past couple of days has finally lifted itself from me."

[Xazor Elessar]

The Jedi Knight felt a sense of relief in the air -- a sense of calm and peace surrounding River. She smiled at this and nodded when he spoke. "Anytime, young one." She smiled to herself and embraced him once again, perhaps taking comfort in the strength he held as well. After several moments, the woman released him and sat back slightly.

"Not only am I your Master, but I am also your friend. Anytime you need me, whether it be in the middle of the night or the middle of the day, I am here." She grinned and looked out over Coruscant. It was beautiful this night and it too seemed serene for the most part. "Ya know -- I am a bit hungry. Would you like to join me for a midnight snack, of sorts?" She laughed slightly at the thought, but knew that it would be a good way to cheer everyone up, even with burdens such as River's riding upon his shoulders.

[River Kincaid]

He hadn't thought about it, until she mentioned it. "Yeah, I'm a bit hungry as well, Master. Where do you suggest we go?"
River's mind was once again beginning to clear and for the first time since leaving Falycin, he felt better.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled to herself and knew just the place. "I want to take you to meet a friend of mine." She concluded and rose from her seat, reaching out a hand to River so he could stand with ease.

"Just come with me. Not only does great food await us there, but something I think I can share with you." She was speaking about The Lost Jedi. This was something she did not speak of to her Padawans, but he was different.

He had to know everything about her and they had to keep open communication. This was the only way to do it -- and so, they would go and meet Dex, the owner of Dexter's Diner, their destination.

[River Kincaid]

River stood as a faint smile touched his lips. Where were they going? He wondered, but didn't ask.

"Very well, Master, lead the way." He told her and followed her from the garden.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor walked beside her Padawan and smiled at him, glad that both of them had been able to talk a little bit. "I hope you're feeling better." She said softly as they made their way out into the deep Coruscant night. They continued walking, passing groups of people now and again, and for the most part, were silent until Xazor broke it.

"Where I am taking you must remain a secret, okay? You're going to see another part of who I am today and I trust that you will keep this quiet, okay?" She questioned, knowing that River wouldn't say anything to anyone. Soon they were standing before a large establishment two stories tall. Above the door was a sign that read "Dexter's Diner" in neon lighting.

"We're here." She stated with a grin and pushed the door open with River following behind her. Suddenly a large being from behind the bar came around and eyed Xazor. He outstretched his four large arms and laughed. "Xazorrrr!!! He he he..." He laughed and stepped forward, leaning slightly to the left to peer around her. "Ah -- who's yer friend?" He questioned with a curious expression.

"Dex, this is one of my Padawans, River Kincaid. River -- this is a good friend of mine, Dexter." She said softly and moved over to reveal the young man behind her. "Maybe this was a bad idea." She thought to herself but pushed the worry away and instead, allowed room for the two men -- er, alien and man, to become aquainted.

[River Kincaid]

Dexter was definitely not a being that River had ever seen. But, he bowed a Jedi greeting with a smile. "Very nice to meet you, Dexter." He spoke genuinely.

Xazor wouldn't have to worry about him ever speaking any of her secrets, hopefully she would know that soon on her own. Trust meant a lot the River, his life had been based on it with Angelina. Now, he had to gain the trust of his master and he would do so with everything he held in him.

[Dexter]

Dexter grinned and extended one of his four hands to the Padawan. "He he he -- the pleasure isss all mine." He spoke through a deep laugh as he took River's hand. Dexter's handshake was strong and perhaps, a bit shocking, but the alien meant well.

"So what'll it be, Lady Xazor? He he he....I'll make it on the house tonight." He offered as he moved his arms in a move gesturing to the large establishment around them. Whatever Xazor and her Padawan wanted, he would be sure they had for not only was she his friend, but also a leader of the secret Jedi organization that he housed up stairs.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled to herself and bowed. "Thank you, Dex." She said softly and turned to River. "What would you like? He has everything under the suns!" She beamed.

[River Kincaid]

"What really sounds good?" River thought for a moment. "Steak and eggs. Over-easy with tobassco sause." It had been one his favorites, being from once a hunting clan.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled to herself and nodded to Dexter who put the order to memory. "I'll have my usual -- sauteed chicken breast with a large salad." She said softly and Dexter took the order back to the kitchen to prepare the food.

"Here's a good place to sit." The woman motioned to a table beside the window. Of course, it was dark out but the streets of Coruscant were still bustling and the lights from several nearby establishments lit up the area like daylight. "This, my friend, is my home away from home." She stated with a grin.

[River Kincaid]

"Very interesting place, Master." He said as he slid into the booth. It reminded him of an eatery in Ghan City on Falycin, one of the last places that he and his children ate before coming to the Temple.

"This city life will take some quite getting used to for I and the kids."

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor nodded and smiled. "I know what you mean. I come from a place completely different from Coruscant. It is full of wildlife -- it's natural and beautiful. The air is crisp and clean, the water cool and good to drink. The land is rich and is abundant in food of all sorts." She said softly, reminiscing about Eden.

"I like it here too, though." Shifting her weight slightly, the woman's eyes moved toward the door at the back of the bar, quite a ways away from their booth and behind River. "All things take getting used to." The Knight spoke, seeming to not be talking about getting used to Coruscant anymore.

Her gaze shifted to River's face once again and she sighed. "What if I told you that there is a lot more to me than what I've told you? That -- there is so much more to me than meets the eye?" Xazor questioned, hoping that this was a good place to begin explaining what she wished to tell him. Hopefully he'd understand.

[River Kincaid]

River sat back slightly. "I think, we all have our secrets, Master. I included. But, whatever you wish to tell me will not make me think any different of you. Your words are safe with me, I hope you know that."