Mortal Gods: Hold Me When I'm Scared

[Lilaena De'Ville]

<center>When I'm Gone
Three Doors Down

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There's secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind...

Maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
I'll also be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education x-ray
Can not see under my skin
I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone
Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything you need
I'll also be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Maybe I'm just blind...
Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone</center>

Lilaena De'Ville fiddled with the artifact on the desk in front of her. It was about the same size as a lightsaber handle, and covered with ancient Sith runes. It was also nearly impossible to decipher, due to the wear and tear on the engravings, and the natural diffculties with interpetations.

There had originally been a cortosis shell 'protecting' the entire piece, but it had long since flaked away. Underneath was a metal she couldn't classify, but she thought it was something someone else could help her with.

Or maybe it was just an excuse.

She'd pinged his comm over an hour ago. Xilarian hadn't said much to her since the night she'd nearly called him Pierce. Lilaena didn't want to think he was ...avoiding her, but it seemed that way. Her world was slowly spinning out of control, and she needed something to hold onto.

It was rare that she was actually honest with herself, and she wanted someone to run to. Someone who she could tell everything, and someone who wouldn't judge her. She had almost felt that with Silus, but then, of course, she'd made a mess of things. It was what she did best - messing things up. With Pierce it had become a delicate dance. Remember not to talk about what you do when you are not with him. They had not been able to handle their different lifestyles.

Silus was different. If only she could know if that was a good thing, or not.

[Silus Xilarian]

It hadnt been long that he'd gathered the bare essentials from his apartment on Balmorra and moved into a vacant room in Bast Castle. It wasnt really what he considered his new home. Just a place to lay his head when he had to stay at Bast for any length of time.

For the greater part of the day, he sat back on his bed, staring at the door. After the last time he and De'Ville had been together, he couldnt bring himself to go back, no matter how badly he wanted. He'd come to grips with the fact that he had feelings for her, and now he was trying to protect those feelings. He'd been down this path before, and he had never fully recovered.

It had been a little over an hour since she'd paged him, and still he couldnt bring himself from his room. It got to the point that he couldnt stand it anymore, and in a moment of bravery, he stood and walked to the door, only to be overcome with doubt before he could even get to the door.

Now he paced around his room, stopping every once in awhile to walk out, but never making it farther than a step or two before sighing heavily and continueing to pace.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

There was a knock at his door.

[Silus Xilarian]

Silus' pacing was interupted by a knock at the door. His eyes went wide, and for a single solitary moment, his heart didnt beat. Through all the chaos in his mind right now, he couldnt even concentrate enough to sense who was behind the door, though his instincts were there to force the thought into his mind reguardless.

He stood for a few moments, staring at the door once again, til he could finally calm himself enough to think. He removed any emotion that could be read on his features, and slowly opened the door...

[Lilaena De'Ville]

She was turning away from the door when it opened, and so swiveled on her heel to face it once more. Silus looked tired. "I...are you busy?" Lilaena was ready to turn on a credit and flee the scene, wondering why in Corellia's Nine Hells she'd come.

[Silus Xilarian]

YES!!!!! YES.....YOU'RE BUSY! SLAM THE DOOR!

"Uh...no......I mean... .... Come on in.."

He didnt know what to say. He really didnt know what to do. He didnt even know what he wanted to do, so he gave up and stepped to the side to allow her to enter.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

She slipped past him, her slight frame devoid of any extraeneous cloaks or heavy clothing. "I...I wondered if your comm was working. I tried to get in touch with your today." Lame. De'Ville, walk your butt out of this room. Instead she looked around at the furnishings, before looking back up at Silus, who was slowly closing the door.

"I wanted to show you something, but ...I left it in my study." She bit her lip, ready to smack herself for being so inane.

[Silus Xilarian]

"Well lets go have a look.."

What the....who told you to say that?!. Silus managed to blurt his statement out in a moment of bravery, as his own subconscious thoughts struggled to regroup and regain prominence in his actions.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

She looked at him, and then at the door, and then back at Silus, who seemed ready to bolt out and disappear in the catacombs under the buildings. The woman opened her mouth, and nothing came out, so she closed it again.

Lilaena shifted her stance a little, and looked at the floor a little wide eyed, as unbidden tears started welling up in her eyes. Slowly one formed in her left eye, and spilled out, streaking down her cheek.

[Silus Xilarian]

He stood still for a moment, not sure what to do. As much as he told himself that he was right for leaving that night, somewhere down inside he thought that he should have let it go. Its like his heart and his mind we're both telling him to do two opposite things, and he wasnt sure which was telling him what.

His eyes followed the tear down her cheek. One arm reached out, and he layed a hand on her shoulder. The rest of him followed suit, as he pulled her to him.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

His arms encircled her slim body, and she held onto him as though he were a lifeline, her hands clinging to him. Her face buried in his chest, the woman shook like a leaf as she tried to restrain her sobs. After the first tear had fallen, it was as if a dam had broken, and years of pain came flooding out.

There were no words...not yet. But her heart yearned to tell him everything, so that he would understand. For now it was all she could do to stand upright as she wept. Not caused by you...not by you, Silus. Lilaena clung to him, and cried.

[Silus Xilarian]

Silus rubbed his hands over her back as he held her.

"Im sorry Lilaena..."

He couldnt think of any other words. Mentally, he kicked himself for what he'd done.

"Im so sorry.."

[Lilaena De'Ville]

After a few moments she quieted down, but she didn't release her hold on him. "It is my own fault...I should have told you. But I was afraid."

It seemed slightly odd, that a woman with so much raw power and determination would be afraid of anything, but part of Lilaena was still that fourteen year old girl she had been once. Running scared from the only home she'd ever known, terrified that the man might find her. Will I have to tell him that as well? The thought made her blush with shame, but her face was hidden against him.

[Silus Xilarian]

"It's ok....I shouldnt have left...."

Whatever it was that she had wanted to show him was pretty much forgotten at this point. He couldnt bring himself to let her go. For the past few days, he'd pretty much accepted that whatever was between himself and Lilaena was over. He'd been in that position before. Unlike the other though, Lilaena had come back. For that, he couldnt let go.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

She sighed heavily, and looked up at him, at his jawline and the side of his face. "I never asked you about your past, and I do not want to know. It doesn't matter to me. But my past has already affected you, and so it is your right to know, if you want to hear it." Lilaena rested her head on his shoulder, the tip of her nose touching his neck.

[Silus Xilarian]

He started to ask. Just as he tried to ask that night. The trouble was, he didnt know if he wanted to know. He stayed silent for now, as he slowly led her back toward the bed.

"You dont have to tell me until you're comfortable......"

[Lilaena De'Ville]

"I will never be comfortable with it. So now is as good a time as any." They found the bed, and he sat, drawing her down with him. Lilaena curled up on his lap, her arms around his neck, as if he would disappear if she let go of him.

[Silus Xilarian]

Silus shifted a little and layed down. It was almost as if he were trying to avoid the inevidable. He pulled her to him and nestled his head next to her.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

She snuggled in next to his body, and breathed deeply, relaxing slowly. "I used to live in an orphanage. My parents died when I was seven years old, and I was sent to live at an orphanage on Coruscant, my home planet. State run, et cetera. Anyway, when I was about eleven..." Her voice faltered, and she paused for a moment. "When I was eleven, one of the men who worked there started to...visit me. He stole what was left of my childhood, and didn't leave me alone until I was fourteen. I ran away then, through the ventilation shafts, into the sewage lines, which took me deep into the planet.

"I met Darven there. He saved my life." She stopped for a moment, and listened to Silus' heart beating.

[Silus Xilarian]

His heart rate sped up. His right hand clenched into a fist. He kept quiet while she talked, holding back his temper. When she stopped, Silus sat up. His eyes stayed fixed forward...

"go on.."

[Lilaena De'Ville]

She inhaled slowly, and exhaled again. "I was once a part of the Sith Order. While a member of some prominence there, I was on a mission on Coruscant. My freighter was impounded, and I met an Imperial. He was ...quite high in the chain of command, and had many strings he could pull. We had a mutual respect for each other, once we stopped trying to beat the hell out of one another.

"I became pregnant with his child."

That statement lay in the air for a moment, and he could feel her body starting to shake again. After a few seconds she stilled, and continued. "I wanted the baby...more than anything. We got married, even though I knew he was following a different path than I. I wanted...I wanted to have a family. What I had been denied, growing up.

"It was foolish. I know this now. After a few years, we just grew apart. He was using me for information to feed to the New Republic, even though we had promised not to let 'work' interfere with our personal lives. I despise him for that... And now he raises our son on Coruscant. But Jax," she paused. "That's my son. Jax is three now, and I haven't seen him in over nine months. I miss him so much..."

[Silus Xilarian]

Silus look back. It was clear in his eyes that he geniunely felt for her. Even farther back was a silent rage at the thought of a traitor. Even though Silus didnt have much room to talk, since he was pretty much non existant on Balmorra.

At least he hadnt joined the NR...

He saw the way her eyes saddened even more when mentioned her son. The thought only crossed his mind once or twice before he spoke...

"Well lets go get him."

[Lilaena De'Ville]

She paused.

"I wish it was that easy." Lilaena traced a circle around one of his shirt buttons. "I believe he lives in the midst of the Jedi complex on Coruscant. And he's happy, with his father. I know I miss him, and he misses me, but I just don't know what's best for him....right now..."

[Silus Xilarian]

"I dont think getting to see his mother would be bad for him.."

Silus paused for a moment. Family probably wasnt the best subject for him to give advice on. After all, watching both of your parents die, and killing your own sister doesnt quite make you an expert on the subject. But Silus knew everything, and he'd completely convinced himself that...

"If you love him, you should see him. Simple as that...."

If only things were as simple as Silus liked to make them seem..

[Lilaena De'Ville]

"Oh, I will. But it has to be right. Timing is everything..." She pushed the button she'd been fiddling with through the buttonhole, and slipped her hand inside his shirt, snuggling closer. "I think...I think that Pierce..."

She paused, and then continued, "He is the one we encountered on Coruscant. Who tried to take me down. I cannot face him... I am so afraid of what is going to happen to me...and then what will become of my little boy?" Lilaena sounded as though she were holding back tears again.

[Silus Xilarian]

"shhhh, its ok......we'll figure everything out.."

He held her close, whispering into her ear with soothing tones. Little ideas were springing around in his head. He wouldnt mention anything out loud though. She'd probably just tell him to drop it, or that he was crazy.

Oh well...

"Pierce who?"

[Lilaena De'Ville]

"My ex-husband. Pierce Tondry." She kept her eyes closed, snuggled close to Silus, and trying to forget the world outside of the room they were in.

[Silus Xilarian]

Silus held her close to him, rubbing her shoulder gently to comfort her.

"Maybe an opportunity will arise sometime soon....You'll get to see Jax again, I promise."

[Lilaena De'Ville]

She mumbled something unheard against his chest, and breathed deeply, starting to relax. "I know I will. I cannot live another year without him. He won't even know me anymore." Lilaena's mouth curved down as she spoke, lips trembling a bit.

She opened her eyes wide and stared at the ceiling, blinking rapidly for a few moments.

[Silus Xilarian]

"Cant really say that. A child will always recognize its mother. No exceptions..."

Silus gave her shoulder a squeeze and kissed the top of her head. The dim lighting in the room, mixed with his lack of sleep, began to make him slightly drowsy. Having her back in his arms was, at the very least, soothing. He pulled her too him and little and shifted his weight, slouching down into the bed slightly.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

Silus shifted a bit more, and then kissed her neck. He drew back slightly when she didn't react, and found that Lilaena had fallen asleep in his arms.

[Silus Xilarian]

With a half grin, Silus scooped Lilaena up into his arms and started out of the room. It was probably no coincidence that the room he'd settled into wasnt far from hers, so it wasnt a long walk.

As he took her through her study, he saw the small metal cyclinder laying on her desk. Taking her into her bedroom, he layed her gently on her bed and kissed her forehead. He stared for a minute as she slept, then started back out and into her study. A few moments later, he had the object in his hands studying it.

[Lilaena De'Ville]

About half an hour later Lilaena opened her eyes and found herself in her own room. She felt the presence of another person nearby, and slowly got to her feet, sliding off the edge of her bed. It was a short walk up the passageway to her study, and she found Silus in her chair, bent over the object she'd found on Vortex.

He had a book under his elbow, holding his place open as he turned the metallic object over in his hands.

"It is obscure, is it not?" De'Ville padded barefoot beside him, and kissed his forehead. "I have not gotten anywhere in my research on it yet. Have you found anything?"

[Silus Xilarian]

"I cant find anything that even comes close to the text on here. I sent a few copied samples to TC-10 awhile ago. He cant figure it out, and T25 cant find anything either."

Silus turned around to her and handed her the scroll, which was made of a metal he'd never seen before.

"I did find this though...See that symbol at the top?"

Reaching behind him, he pulled a book he'd found in her study. Part of the book had been converted into data entries, and was searchable in the main database.

"Have you ever been to Onderan before?"

[Lilaena De'Ville]

"Where?" Lilaena turned the cylinder over in her hands and saw where he'd opened it up, discovering a scroll like interior. "Onderon... I seem to remember it from something I read having to do with the Sith War. It was a long time ago though, in the Sith Order's library."

She studied the runes on the scroll. "I bet Gav could read this." The woman pushed Silus' book aside and climbed into his lap to snuggle close to him while they talked. "Have you been to Onderon before?"

[Silus Xilarian]

"nope never......but this symbol right here at the top matched one in this book...I dont know what the rest are, but I think this one might be a family crest or something."

Silus narrowed an eyebrow toward Lilaena..

"And who the hell is Gav?"

[Lilaena De'Ville]

"Hmm?" She looked up from the scroll, and looked at him, and smiled wanly at his expression. "He was a member of the Sith Order when I was learning there. Heavily involved with my master at the time... Anyway, he was into old Sith writings and runes if I recall correctly." De'Ville kissed Silus' cheek. "Not jealous, are you?"

[Silus Xilarian]

"Im just not in the mood to have to kill anyone today."

He answered confidently, not giving a second thought to just how powerful of a Sith this 'Gav' might be..

[Lilaena De'Ville]

"Mmm..." She leaned against him and looked at the scroll again, trying to see if there was anything that looked familiar. Nothing.

Wait...

She sat up, and placed the metal scroll on the desk, bringing up the lighting in the room so she could see better. "That is interesting."

"What's interesting...?" Silus looked over her shoulder.

"This...see those markings here? That looks like the name Freedon Nadd."

[Silus Xilarian]

Silus glanced over at Lilaena, his eyes narrowed...

"Why dont you just make a list of all the men you know and I dont..."

He caught a glimpse of Lilaena's eyes rolling...

"Alright, alright, who's this Freedon Nadd guy?"

[Lilaena De'Ville]

"Ah..." De'Ville hopped off his lap and padded over to the far bookshelf, thumbing quickly through the books and datacards. "He was a Dark Jedi who lived over four thousand years ago. Wait a sec... yeah here we go." She pulled out a datacard and brought it back over to him, settling herself comfortably on his lap again.

Placing the card in a datapad, she brought up Biographys of The Sith War and flipped quickly through some of the first entries.