Telan Desaria
Jun 24th, 2003, 03:04:58 PM
I entreat all who read this please do not spam this thread. It comes from the very bottom of my heart and addresses a current dilemma in my problem-racked life.
As many of you may or may not know, I consider every one of you here dear friends. With the sole exception of two of you, this community exists as only 'lines of text on a screen' as I am oh so keen on saying. But I would never trade any of you for a fleshed person who could not match the way I feel here. No matter this thought's reciprocation, I would do anything for any of you without ever haven conversed personnally. My feelings are sincere.
That said, let us address my problem.
Common knowledge attests to the following personal characteristics (mine) - Aristocratic in both form and manner
- Gay
- Prima Donistic
- Militaristic
- Chivalrous
- Moderately Belligerant
These things have intertwined to create for me quite an unattractive person. Such as my thinking until last evening. At that time I found both passion and my way as a gentleman running two very divergent courses.
For the purposes of anonymity, I will use only abbreviations.
Last night when I was about to take my evening stroll, I was offered a ride home by a friend. I acepted and we conversed idly until we reached my home. There and then I ws confronted with a most - to me - absurd notion when he (my friend) revealed he had a crush on me for the past two months. This infatuation was quite a shock.
Thinking I would grow closer to him as a friend, I reentered the car and we drove around. To save space and summarize, before dawn of the next day we had come very close to becoming physically involved and needless to say we did in all but the most radical of concepts.
This was not the blissful, eventful night I had hoped for, as there were of course complications.
Enter B. D, whom is the friend about which I speak, is engaged to D. Both are male. They have been dating and engaged, time combined, for the past three years. I knew this when D and I became friends and any sentiments I had towards D were quickly stifled and shelved. Oddly enough, when I asked if the action we were then about to take would adversely affect his relationship and fiance-miont, he said no and continued.
I would never set out to destroy a relationship that is strong and healthy and pure, that is simply not my way. To be in such a state is what I have dreampt of for many lonely nights and cannot believe I have regressed enough that I would become the very person to obliterate such a real fantasy.
Here lies my conundrum.
D wishes to continue this affair as it were and leave B completely in the dark. He has no problem with this, and considers me physically as well as emotionally perfect and asked me several times to bring me home with him (believe me, I am not as pompous as to share such introsecptive thoughts).
As a youthful gay man, I find myself inexorably drawn into this web of deceipt and passion simply because I have been without anything further than a casual friend for far too long.
As an aristocrat and more importantly a gentleman, I cannot allow myself to do this as even if it does go on unnoticed by his fiance. The very existence of it, let alone my continuane thereof, violates the very precepts of honor and personal integrity I have so espoused to all of you, and to be such a vain hyopcrite does not sit well on my tongue.
What do you advise, my friends?
I ask you in your responses not to undermine D's personal integrity if you so feel, but insteasd advsice me. Do not pass judgement on any but myself.
I beg of you, please help me. What do you suggest? What am I to do???
As many of you may or may not know, I consider every one of you here dear friends. With the sole exception of two of you, this community exists as only 'lines of text on a screen' as I am oh so keen on saying. But I would never trade any of you for a fleshed person who could not match the way I feel here. No matter this thought's reciprocation, I would do anything for any of you without ever haven conversed personnally. My feelings are sincere.
That said, let us address my problem.
Common knowledge attests to the following personal characteristics (mine) - Aristocratic in both form and manner
- Gay
- Prima Donistic
- Militaristic
- Chivalrous
- Moderately Belligerant
These things have intertwined to create for me quite an unattractive person. Such as my thinking until last evening. At that time I found both passion and my way as a gentleman running two very divergent courses.
For the purposes of anonymity, I will use only abbreviations.
Last night when I was about to take my evening stroll, I was offered a ride home by a friend. I acepted and we conversed idly until we reached my home. There and then I ws confronted with a most - to me - absurd notion when he (my friend) revealed he had a crush on me for the past two months. This infatuation was quite a shock.
Thinking I would grow closer to him as a friend, I reentered the car and we drove around. To save space and summarize, before dawn of the next day we had come very close to becoming physically involved and needless to say we did in all but the most radical of concepts.
This was not the blissful, eventful night I had hoped for, as there were of course complications.
Enter B. D, whom is the friend about which I speak, is engaged to D. Both are male. They have been dating and engaged, time combined, for the past three years. I knew this when D and I became friends and any sentiments I had towards D were quickly stifled and shelved. Oddly enough, when I asked if the action we were then about to take would adversely affect his relationship and fiance-miont, he said no and continued.
I would never set out to destroy a relationship that is strong and healthy and pure, that is simply not my way. To be in such a state is what I have dreampt of for many lonely nights and cannot believe I have regressed enough that I would become the very person to obliterate such a real fantasy.
Here lies my conundrum.
D wishes to continue this affair as it were and leave B completely in the dark. He has no problem with this, and considers me physically as well as emotionally perfect and asked me several times to bring me home with him (believe me, I am not as pompous as to share such introsecptive thoughts).
As a youthful gay man, I find myself inexorably drawn into this web of deceipt and passion simply because I have been without anything further than a casual friend for far too long.
As an aristocrat and more importantly a gentleman, I cannot allow myself to do this as even if it does go on unnoticed by his fiance. The very existence of it, let alone my continuane thereof, violates the very precepts of honor and personal integrity I have so espoused to all of you, and to be such a vain hyopcrite does not sit well on my tongue.
What do you advise, my friends?
I ask you in your responses not to undermine D's personal integrity if you so feel, but insteasd advsice me. Do not pass judgement on any but myself.
I beg of you, please help me. What do you suggest? What am I to do???