The disasters of distance (Fel)

[SashaKovalev]

“You did what (http://www.sw-fans.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=28518)?!” Intense violet eyes stared at Feliciana Devano in disbelief before they looked away. It was then that Alexander Millard tried to catch the breath it seemed he had lost. His hands formed clenched fists that relaxed and tightened as he sought to have some semblance of control over his emotions.

They were on Naboo, on the land Sasha had bought for them some time ago now. They hadnt yet built any sort of structure on it, but they’d been back plenty of times to meet up. It was the one place they could get away to – together.

A place where loyalties to anything else seemed non existent. Until this moment. In this split second in time, loyalty had been shattered and trust had made a good run at escaping.

They had been walking along, catching up, when Fel had stopped him. And it was then that she had told him that there was something he needed to know. That she'd been feeling too guilty about it not to be honest with him. And then she’d told him.

He’d stood there frozen for a moment, her hand still held in his. He’d searched her expression for a sign that she was joking and without having to look more than a glance, he’d known it was the truth.

He’d dropped her hand from his and taken a step back. And this was when he’d spoken.

[Feliciana Devano]

"I'm sorry, Sasha! I -- it was a moment of loss, a moment I couldn't help myself! I don't know what I was doing! It -- it wasn't me!" The Knight attempted to explain, but it was evident that Sasha would have none of it.

Feliciana turned away from him as tears stung at her eyes. It was no use holding them back, though -- and so, the strong Dark Jedi allowed them to fall. Several did so, cascading gently down her cheeks. She felt hopeless in that momen -- so helpless.

Quietly the woman wept to herself as she took a few more steps away from Sasha before turning around. She realized then, in that moment, that what she did could potentially ruin their relationship. "Sasha -- you know I love you and only you! I've never questioned your doings!"

She attempted to plead with him as she turned to face the one whom she was engaged to. The Knight looked down at the ring upon her finger, gently touching it with her opposite hand. "You told me to be honest with you, no matter what! You -- you promised to be with me forever, Sasha! I'm sorry, but I can't take it away now!" Feliciana's tears were heavy now, and she could not hide her shame or grief. Her heart was breaking every second.

[SashaKovalev]

He wanted to believe her. He wanted to believe that she honestly just hadnt been able to help herself. He knew what she was talking about. He knew the temptation – afterall – because of the career decisions they had made, they hardly ever saw one another. It was difficult at times to resist the temptation to fool around with someone else. But the fact of the matter was that he had resisted that temptation.

Sasha -- you know I love you and only you! I've never questioned your doings!

He turned back to her now, his jaw dropping in disbelief that she’d say something so stupid.

“You never questioned my doings?!” He repeated. He shook his head and half snorted.

“I think Ive got every frelling right in the world to be questioning you about your doings when they involve fooling around with another guy, Fel!” He replied, anger evident in his voice.

You told me to be honest with you, no matter what! You -- you promised to be with me forever, Sasha! I'm sorry, but I can't take it away now!

He wanted to hit something. He wanted to physically take out the anger that simmered within him. And some time ago, as a sith, he would have. But now, under the training of his master as a dark jedi, that anger was more controlled – though just barely.

His words, his actions, he knew, hurt her. And though he would never have wanted to harm her, the hurt within him, the feeling of betrayal, called for it. To say something that would hurt her in return.

Instead he left an eerie silence between them. And this, he knew, was even worse. It was a ragged sigh that he finally released.

“Who was he?” He finally asked, his voice somewhat controlled. She’d told him only what she’d done – not exactly how it had happened or with who.

His arms crossed over his chest now as he stared at her, violet eyes that had once looked upon with with nothing but complete trust seeming somewhat cold.

It was mostly an act, a response to keep her from knowing how he truly felt. To keep her from knowing just how much he hurt inside.

[Feliciana Devano]

"I know its your right and I can't blame you for it!" She shouted through tears. Then, silence fell between them. It was an awkward silence and one that made a knot form in the Knight's stomach. She hated this feeling -- hated not knowing what was going on in his mind. He questioned her on the name of the man and for a moment, she had a hard time remembering. Then it popped into her head. "His name is -- is, Sebastian Kvasha. He's a member of my Order too." She said softly as the tears continued to fall.

In that moment, the woman realized that there was nothing else to live for, save for the man before her. She loved him too much and she knew that if they were apart any longer -- whatever was left of their relationship after today would completely die. "I'm part of The Krath!" She blurted out, unaware of the consequences those words could cause her. She was completely unaware that they could kill her for this if they found out she told him.

"And he is part of it too, Sasha." She choked out the words before closing her eyes tightly and lowering her head. Anger and hate swelled within her chest in that instant. She was angry at herself for leaving TSO when she did -- she hated Jeseth for taking her so far away from Sasha -- but most of all, she hated herself for everything she had done. "I -- I'm not worthy of you any longer. I've hurt you too much and for that, I am dying inside!" She exclaimed, weeping openly now that he knew how she felt.

Thoughts flooded her mind and she could think of nothing else but their future -- at least, she hoped they had a future. Suddenly she got an idea and she quieted herself. It had always been there, and, for some reason -- she knew it was right. "I want to be your wife, Sasha! Remember? I told you I would, I said yes, and I intend to be!" She exclaimed, turning to face him once again, raising her eyes to rest upon his face. He appeared cold, hateful, hurt. These things were what she didn't want to see, but she did. Instead of speaking to his face, she turned her head and lowered her eyes to the ground once again. "I -- I'm going to leave -- I'm going to leave The Krath, Sasha -- so I can be with you. I don't want us to be apart -- I -- I don't want you to hurt because of me. And if you won't have me b -- back, then -- I will take my life so I cannot hurt anyone ever again." She said softly, the tears forming angry and anguish-filled puddles at her knees.

[SashaKovalev]

His name is -- is, Sebastian Kvasha. He's a member of my Order too.

Without knowing the man, he hated him. Unless Fel had taken off her ring – which he didn’t at the moment even want to ask – they guy had to have known she was a taken woman. Sasha had been more than certain to be sure the rock she wore on her finger would make it clear to anyone she came into contact with. And he had no respect for anyone who would so blatantly disrespect a commitment like that. Even though Fel was partly to blame.

But more he hated that frelling order she’d become a part of. And as she mentioned it without saying the name he’d felt anger rise within him. He’d been about to respond – making a digging comment about it being the order he didn’t even know the name of when she’d beat him to it.

I'm part of The Krath!

He paused now, unsure of how to go on.

And he is part of it too, Sasha.

With this he did finally lose it. That frelling order had not only taken her far from him, but had given her the opportunity – had…had made her disloyal to him. His saber being the easiest thing to grab, he’d taken it and hurled it as hard as he could. It hit a tree and clattered to the ground.

I -- I'm not worthy of you any longer. I've hurt you too much and for that, I am dying inside! I want to be your wife, Sasha! Remember? I told you I would, I said yes, and I intend to be! I -- I'm going to leave -- I'm going to leave The Krath, Sasha -- so I can be with you. I don't want us to be apart -- I -- I don't want you to hurt because of me. And if you won't have me b -- back, then -- I will take my life so I cannot hurt anyone ever again.

Oh he was angry with her alright – but – but not that angry. To forgive and forget would not be easy, but it had never been a thought in his mind to end things over this. It killed him inside to hear her even think of taking her own life. And while he wanted her to be happy – to pursue a career that would make her happy – he was more than relieved to hear she’d finally give up that darned order of hers.

“Don’t say things like that Fel.” He replied, his voice less cold, and more like the tone he normally used with her.

He was hurt. Everything within him was in pain. But it was something that he would get over – and it was something they would get through. Though he wasn’t happy about it, to some degree he could understand why it had happened.

His head dropped and he stared down at the ground for a moment before he released a deep sigh.

“Did you sleep with him?”

His violet eyes met hers in one last question. This was all he wanted to know and he wanted to know the truth. And somehow, from there, they’d find a way to put the pieces back together.

[Feliciana Devano]

Without even looking at him, Feliciana knew the anger inside of Sasha boiled and rose to its fullest. It was rather evident to her, when he threw his saber, that this was nearly beyond repair. The woman continued weeping, putting her hands to her face as she did and she then cried into her hands. The silence grew until suddenly, words penetrated the air. They were spoken gently -- and for a moment, the Knight swore she could feel a bit of love in his voice. This made her weep more and she shook her head. "I -- I can't help it. I've ruined your life, Sasha! I've made you unhappy from the beginning and I must stop myself, somehow!" She spoke through her tears, coughing between them once and a while.

Silence fell between them once again and the woman heard her love breath heavily as if he was releasing a great weight from his chest. She knew that if he did not speak, she would have to continue explaining herself, making excuses for her actions in a feeble attempt to make things right between them once again. It appeared hopeless, though, until he spoke.

"Did you sleep with him?"

The question stung at Fel's heart. Though he had every right to ask -- and the circumstances won her no favor, she was rather hurt that he would assume this without knowing everything. For several moments after he asked, she was silent, until -- she turned around with tears in her eyes, and looked directly into his. "No -- Sasha Kovalev, I have never slept with another man in my entire life -- he was nothing special." She said softly, the words completely from her heart. He could see the honesty in her soft gaze and hear the truth in her voice. "You must believe me -- please -- I could never give myself to anyone else -- but you." She said softly, her face wrinkling in disgust with herself as more and more tears fell from her eyes. Again her hands clasped over her skin which was now red and a bit course from all of the crying she had done. The Dark Jedi wept into her hands as all of her pain and anguish escaped through tiny droplets onto her face.

[SashaKovalev]

No -- Sasha Kovalev, I have never slept with another man in my entire life -- he was nothing special.

Finally. Some sort of good news out of all of this. He knew she was hurt by the question. He could see it in the way she looked at him. But he’d needed to know.

You must believe me -- please -- I could never give myself to anyone else -- but you.

Slowly, he nodded.

“I believe you, Fel.” He replied. But he was still angry. And rather than moving to her as he typically would have, he instead walked to where his saber had fallen. He could have called it to him with the force, but he used the force less and less when it was not necessary, and besides, he felt the need to move. Something, anything to put this moment behind him.

He stooped to pick it up, and could hear something within it rattle. And when he tried to ignite it, there was nothing. He found the smallest bit of amusement in this. After all these years with that saber, after the times it had been taken from him and recovered – he would be the one to destroy it. Something had to have already been loose inside. And it would give him a good project to work on later.

He stared across the distance between he and Fel. Her face was buried in her hands as she wept, her pain and anguish easily coming to him. And this was when he resolved to put it behind him.

He wasn’t going to hold it against her. Everyone deserved a second chance.

He crossed the distance and reached out to her, the ring she had given him still firmly upon his finger.

“Come here….” He suggested gently as her hand found its place in his. And then her body fit into his arms the way it always had. The way they used to be when they’d lived across the hall from one another in the Sith Order.

“We’re going to be ok.” He assured her as her tears still fell as she cried into his chest. For some time they stood this way until her sobs had reduced to small sniffles. He leaned to kiss the last tear from her cheek.

“Why don’t we get a room here tonight….” He suggested, “And in the morning I’ll take you home.”

Home. Home for him and home for her had had two different meanings for the past year or so. The last time they’d both gone home together had been back at the order – just before she’d told him she was leaving to join the Krath.

He had no idea where she had considered home these past couple years. And she had no idea what he considered home, either. She had never seen Castle Millard, or met his uncle and aunt. She knew nothing of the place where he led a completely different life thanthe life she had known him to lead. Home was where he went by his given name of Alexander Millard. Home was where he took classes in piloting at the university. It was where he trained to become a dark jedi with his master, Wargrave. There was much to catch up on – much to learn about the other despite their constant com messages.

[Feliciana Devano]

Feliciana smiled through her sobbing as Sasha pulled her close and held her tightly. She wrapped her arms around him and swore to never let go. This time, she was all his, and he was hers -- no one to interfere with that. For several minutes she wept into his chest, taking in the comforting scent he always seemed to possess. She breathed in deeply, taking in this scent as well as the oxygen around them, allowing it to clense her senses. After a while, the Knight remained sniffling as Sasha slowly rubbed her back with his strong hands, and whispered gentle words in her ear. She looked up at him at the mention of finding a room for the night, and nodded in silent agreement. "That sounds like a good idea -- if you want to." She said softly, lowering her eyes once again.

For a moment, the woman stood quietly, feeling Sasha's arms around her for the first time in a long time -- too long. He spoke of taking her home -- but now, she knew not what home was. Feliciana shook her head and looked up into his eyes, her own cyan blue ones were marred with red blood vessels. "I -- I want to go home, but -- my home is with you. I cannot return to The Krath, Sasha. Besides -- I didn't leave anything behind that I desire, I have everything with me. If I return, I may not wish to leave again, so I will stay with you." She said softly, leaning into him a bit and squeezing the hand which now held hers. Slowly she leaned in and her lips met his as they had done so very long ago. It was a sweet, short -- but tender kiss. The woman didn't know if he even wanted it from her, but she so desired to make everything right between them. "Promise me we'll be alright, Sasha. And -- if you do not want me to return to your home with you, I will find my own until we can be together." The Dark Jedi whispered softly, hoping against all odds that he would desire her to be with him and they could live their lives together, catching up and making up for all of the time and distance that had kept them apart.

[SashaKovalev]

That sounds like a good idea -- if you want to.

He heard the insecurity in her voice. A small part of him found satisfaction in this – that to some degree she was paying in her own way for what she had done. But a larger part of him sought to push that selfish piece of him aside. If he was going to forgive her and move on, he would have to do it one hundred percent. Anything less would only doom them to failure.

So instead he reassured her, that yes, of course he wanted to.

The next few words she spoke caught him a bit off guard.

I -- I want to go home, but -- my home is with you. I cannot return to The Krath, Sasha. Besides -- I didn't leave anything behind that I desire, I have everything with me. If I return, I may not wish to leave again, so I will stay with you.

He raised an eyebrow and visibly stiffened at her last sentence.

If I return, I may not wish to leave again, so I will stay with you.

He had been silent in response to this, mulling it over and trying to put it in a different light. Even as she asked him to promise that they would be alright.

“Fel….” He sighed and stared down at her.

“How can I promise to you that we’re going to be alright when you say things like that?” He asked.

He caught the questioning look on her face.

“You’re staying with me now because if you return to the Krath,” The last word tasted like dirt in his mouth, heavy and undesirable, “you wont want to leave?!”

“Maybe you should go back and figure out what the frell you want, Fel. Because you’re making it pretty difficult to assure you we’ll be fine when you cant seem to make up your own mind about what you want out of this.”

“Im not going to tell you what to do with your life – but if you think Im going to sit around while my fiancée returns to the frelling place that has made the two of us so damned miserable for the past few years, to the place where she cheated on me with one of the guys there who was nothing special, but clearly special enough that you felt the need to do whatever the frell you did with him, than you don’t know a damn thing about me.”

His cheeks were flushed now and it was clear that there was more than just anger in his voice. There was a slight timber to it that hinted at the hurt he felt.

He wasn’t going to tell her not to return. He wasn’t going to tell her to give it up. He wasn’t going to give her an ultimatum. But he wasn’t going to be her second priority anymore. Either she cared enough about him and them that she wouldn’t want to be a part of the Krath, wouldn’t want to return to the place that threatened to tear them apart, or she didn’t. In his mind, it was that clear and that simple.

[Feliciana Devano]

The words stunned Feliciana and for a moment, she knew not how to react. Her heart stopped in her chest as it was pierced with the anger and hatred he held. For a minute or so, the woman stood there, eyeing him until suddenly, she raised her hand and slapped him across the face, leaving a red hand print on his left cheek.

"Who the frell do you think you are?!" She yelled, unsure of the words that were coming out of her mouth. It was a mistake to slap him, and now, she realized it -- but it was too late. Internally she sighed as she searched his eyes for understanding. "It's been my home, Sasha -- the only place I've known. It's been my refuge when I had no where to go. It's been the place I could cry when I wasn't able to see you. It's been the place I could call my own -- it's been the place I wrote to you from. I trained there, I earned my rank there, and I made a name for myself there!"

She was breathing heavily now as the words seemed to fall right out of her mouth. She had not meant to hurt him with what she was saying, but it was important for her to say. "It's beautiful there, Sasha! I have sat there, at my desk, writing to you and looking out over the vast forests -- at the rivers that I swam in and loved -- for so many years. It's the place where I engraved your damn name and mine into a poor tree that rested beside a lovely river. Bet ya didn't know that, did you, Sasha?" The words were biting and they hurt her just as much as she intended for them to hurt him.

Tears began to stream down her cheeks, flowing from her angry eyes. She was broken now -- everything she ever knew was being torn away from her. Sasha crushed her spirit and hurt her more than anyone had ever done before. "And ya know what else? Even though you've done a pretty good job at keeping secrets, I know you're not so innocent either. How can you stand here and proclaim that when I know very well you've been going around with a little dirty tramp! Yeah, I've done my research, Sasha -- what's her name -- Daetana Jinn?!" The name was like dirt in her mouth as she said it. Now all of her tears were unleashed as she turned from him and began walking away. "I guess you have every right to hate me now -- you probably do, don't you? Do you want your ring back, Sasha? Do you want to go give it to her? If so, tell me and I'll gladly give it to -- you. I -- I --" With that, she fell on her knees and wept as never before. Her heart was crushed to cinders now. She loved him with every fiber in her being, and at the moment -- she knew not why they were standing here, fighting like this. "I love you, Sasha! I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you! I don't need another lover! I don't want anyone else -- you are the only person who -- who holds my heart. You're -- you're the one I want to wake up and see beside me every morning. I don't want to just dream about falling asleep next to you, hearing your heartbeat, I want to feel it, Sasha!" More and more tears fell and soon, the Dark Jedi Knight was unable to breath through her nose as she sniffled and wept with all that she was. "Please! Please don't do this to me!" She cried out, placing her hands upon her face and crying out what was left of her soul.

[SashaKovalev]

He stood there in stunned silence after she slapped him. He could feel the sting of it but was, for the moment, in disbelief that it had occurred.

Most of what she said next floated together, and his violet eyes did not lift to look at hers. He felt the flush of anger rise to meet the sting of the slap.

And ya know what else? Even though you've done a pretty good job at keeping secrets, I know you're not so innocent either. How can you stand here and proclaim that when I know very well you've been going around with a little dirty tramp! Yeah, I've done my research, Sasha -- what's her name -- Daetana Jinn?!

This snapped his head up to look at her.

His relationship with Dae was nothing but a friendship.

Do you want your ring back, Sasha? Do you want to go give it to her? If so, tell me and I'll gladly give it to -- you.

“She’s got a husband for crying out loud!” He responded, his words almost a snarl at the idea of being spied on by her – by the thought that she hadnt trusted him. Then again, who was he to talk – the one who had attempted to hire a bounty hunter to follow her and give him information on where she was.

The next thing he knew, Fel was on her knees sobbing hard enough for the misery of it all to consume her. Enough for it to consume him even, as he knelt beside her.

I don't want to just dream about falling asleep next to you, hearing your heartbeat, I want to feel it, Sasha! Please! Please don't do this to me!

He wasn’t sure what he was doing to her, but he knew whatever it was, however he was acting, was certainly causing this pain.

“Shhhh….shhhhhh…” He tried to console her as he reachd for her, pulling her into his arms as he leaned back against a tree. An ancient tree that had been growing on what was now their property for hundreds and hundreds of years. Beneath this study fiber of life, the two remained, Fel sobbing into his chest as his arms wrapped about her in an effort to forgive and forget and move on.

“Come on, Fel…” He began gently, “We’re going to be ok, I promise.” It felt so familiar to have her back in his arms, to know that this time – this time she wouldn’t be leaving again to return to the unknown. She wouldn’t be leaving and neither would he.

“We’ll be ok….” When her sobs had quieted, he reached to brush a stray tear from her eyes.

“Come on, no more of these…” He suggested, trying to keep his tone light. It would not be easy, but somehow they would learn to trust one another again.

“We’ll be alright.” His hand reached for hers, playing with her ring on her finger.

[Feliciana Devano]

Feliciana fell into his arms and sobbed into his strong chest. Her tears soon created wet marks upon his shirt and it made him look as though he had been out in the rain. As the pair sat down beneath the tree, the woman's tears began to lighten and soon she felt the gentle and familiar touch of Sasha's hand upon her face.

She smiled slightly as he brushed away her tears and consoled her, promising that they would be alright. Her eyes shifted downward to the engagement ring upon her finger as he played with it. Never had she taken it off since he had placed it upon her finger -- never had she desired to, even in the times when she screwed up. It was a constant reminder of the promises they had made to one another -- and a constant reminder to others that she was taken.

"We'll be alright." She whispered and leaned into him once again as a few stray tears fell down her cheeks. "Please, forgive me, Sasha. I don't know what I would do without you. I would be nothing and so, I could not live." Fel spoke the truth for this is the way that she honestly felt. As she curled up to him. the Knight placed her ear against his chest and could hear his heartbeat. It was nearly rhythmic with her own and she took comfort in this. "I love you." She whispered as she kissed his neck gently and closed her eyes.