Cruelty of Love: Falling Apart (Navaria Tarkin)

[imported_Terran Starek]

It was sometime after 3 am, he imagined. He didn't know. Time didin't matter to him right now. It was relative, and at this point, it was relatively unimportant. Earlier today, his life had changed. That's all he remembered--today. There was no specific time involved. He'd seen Sejah and he'd seen Marcus, and he'd spent most of the evening in the garden outside of the west wing. It was his favorite spot to meditate. Most recently, he'd spent the past 2 hours tossing and turning in his room, and he could do it no more. He had to get out, had to see someone.

Someone specifically.

He stood before her door, knocking firmly but minding his volume considering the hour. He looked terrible--his hair was unkempt, a mess of blond and brown. His clothes were dirty from the outside and his eyes had deep bags under them--both from lack of sleep and from emotion. He wore a deeply desparate expression entirely bereft of the usual smile that lightened his face. Something about him was unsettling. He was. . .he was almost different. Distant.

Navaria, if you're in, I need you, he thought in his mind. He needed someone to listen--someone to understand. A woman--a woman with a caring touch. As much as he valued Sejah and his Master Marcus, they were not as soft and soothign as a woman's touch. He waited, standing patiently, for her to answer the door.

[Navaria Tarkin]

There was that state between being awake and skimming the boundaries of sleep that Navaria found herself in right now. Terran's persistent knocking was merely an annoyance to the rest that she needed and turned over, mumbling a 'go away' inside her pillow. Tonight was one of those few nights when her mind wasn't plagued with nightmares.

The knocking had faded since resigning her fate to sleep. Her last vestiges of consciousness was touching upon a deeper sleep, but a desperate plea broke through the Jedi's barriers.

Navaria, if you're in, I need you

"Terran...?"

Her eyes peeled opened upon realization that his voice wasn't spoken verbally or was part of a dream, but was projected into her mind intentionally without meaning to.

Shoving the covers aside, Navaria reached for robe and breathed deeply, waking herself up as she headed to the door barefoot. The knocking had died down by the time she entered the living room and paused in mid stride before closing her robe completely. The man she sensed beyond that doorway was not the same Padawan she had been training for weeks past. His mind was disheveled, much like her current appearance.

Quickly her feet found their way to the door and Navaria pressed the panel for it to open.

"Terran what is wrong?"

Concern was strikingly evident in her voice as the Knight pushed aside her unkempt hair and got a good look at him. His face was pale white, its jovial luster utterly gone and his appearance was just about as bad as Navaria's ... minus the dirt, but the bags under his eyes locked like matching luggage to her's.

"Terran?"

She wasn't sure if he heard her and spoke his name again a bit sharper to get his attention, grimacing at his still raised hand that was prepared to knock.

[imported_Terran Starek]

He was like a zombie, his face dark and blank. She answered the door, and it seemed as though an eternity passed before his eyes. She spoke his name twice, and his thougts lay elsewhere as he was paralyzed--unable to answer. Her voice echoed as her figure stood before him. Finally, almost shaking his head out of a trance, he was brought back to reality.

"Navaria," he addressed her without formality, something he'd never done. He winced as he did so. "I mean, Master Tarkin, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry to call on you at such an hour." He stuttered over his own words. He was a mess, and his usual articulation was far from present.

"I just. . .I needed someone. . .I needed to see you," he spoke, a jumbled mess of words. There was much on his mind, and she could see that he couldn't organize it all into a totaly coherent state. His eyes turned to the floor as they began to tear up. He looked away--embarassed. "I didn't know who else to go to."

Navaria could feel the pain in his heart.

[Navaria Tarkin]

She choked up and her chest tightened in sympathy for the pain he was going through. Now the Jedi was fully awake, Terran's emotions slapped her into reality quickly. His mind felt like it was in ruins and she could feel his desperation to remain focused enough to get him here. To her.

"Come inside, please."

Gently, she took him by the arm and led him inside, finding him a seat. Navaria had a feeling that in this state, Terran would probably stand and not move unless he was told to do so. Once he was settled, Navaria sat down next time to him, on his right, folded her legs underneath her and waited. This was a time for silence. To be fully aware of Terran's pain and the words spoken by him. Her skin prickled, growing cold in being this close to him. Not a good sign.

[imported_Terran Starek]

Her touch was warm, and it made him realize how cold his body felt. He was chilled inside and out, the warmth of her arm almost making him shiver. He was chilled by anger and grief. He was chilled by pure sadness. He sat, willingly, closing his eyes to clear his thoughts. After a few seconds of silence, and with the support of a caring woman beside him, he finally found the strength to speak.

"Today--earlier--something happened, and I can't quite understand," he stopped, holding back emotion that welled up in his throat like a geiser. "I can't quite understand what happened. It was fast, and it was swift. And it hurt. It hurt alot." He began to lose it. "I--umm, I--umm, I--umm, I talked with-with Xazor today. She--umm, She--um--" he began to crack, tears running straight down his face and his voice convulsing with greif.

"She doesn't love me anymore," he got the words out before he exploded into his hands, which quickly shot up and cupped his face. He sobbed--deep, painful sobs that were at the end of a day full of like them before. He cried with pain from a broken heart and hid his face from Navaria, ashamed.

[Navaria Tarkin]

She felt her heart sink at the sight of Terran. The reason why Xazor left him went through Navaria's mind but it wasn't important. Terran was in such pain and his proximity to her magnified his feelings upon her, causing her eyes to swell with tears.

The Knight had to pause a moment to collect herself, regain control over her own feelings, before leaning in and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. She nudged him gently forward, a sign that he could find comfort in her arms if he wanted. Nothing could truly be said to make Terran's pain go away, and so speak promises that everything would be all right would belittle his emotions. Instead, she projected a warmth around them, a feeling of security and for him to not feel ashamed. Navaria would be there for him willingly, as promised. She only wished she could do more for his broken hearted soul.

[imported_Terran Starek]

He fell into her, sobbing against her chest. His face was red with greif as he let the tears and intensity of his voice cover her. He could hold back no longer. He'd been strong for others--Sejah, Marcus, even Xazor--but he could no longer be strong. He could no longer hide himself from the truth. It was simple, yet it blinded him, covered everything around him with a new light.

The truth was, he was a failure.

He had so many reasons, so many theories and ideas. He had concocted plans and means to leave, and he was preparing to depart The Order for a short vacation. He needed it. Time away. It was as simple as that--time away from all of his pain. Finally, after a moment or two of emotion leaving his body, he sat back up, sniffling and gathering his thoughts.

"I'm sorry," he said, pointing to the soaked robe where he had cried so hard. "I didn't mean to lose it. I've been strong all day, I don't know why it all burst out." He wiped his eyes dry with the sleeve of his robe. A pink color took over his eyes and nose from the sobbing.

"I feel empty, Navaria. I feel empty inside." He had hidden his emotions from her before, but he trusted her--they'd been through that. He trusted her and he wanted to talk.

[Navaria Tarkin]

"No need to apologize...."

Navaria ran her fingers threw Terran's hair so she could look upon his sorrowful face that he tried to hide.

"It is only fabric and can easily be cleaned..."

She knew he was adamant about leaving and felt strongly that he was a failure.

"You feel empty because of Xazor leaving? Or .."

It was hard to put this any other way ..

"... you could not keep her?"

Normally, the Knight would not prod like this, but the sense around Terran was that he wish to talk about how he was feeling and what had happened. She wanted to help him as much as it was possible for her to do so... He was just becoming quite dear to her, and thought of him leaving ... It saddened her.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"She loves another," he answered quickly. "She loves another and she has for some time since we've been reunited." His eyes were teary again, but he managed to contain them. He sniffled a bit and tried to calm himself, supporting all he had on Navaria's touch and her energy beside him. He took strength in her aura, in her presence.

"And throughout this time, they've taken trips together, and they've spent weekends away on 'missions' and they've met in secret. All here--right behind my back." Of course, Terran knew very little about their connection, and he had overestimated the worst. Xazor wouldn't have been so malicious, but his current state told him otherwise.

"I feel empty, becuase I feel something has been taken from me. Snatched. Pulled out of everything I believe. . .believed in." He looked at her with bloodshot, tired eyes. "Things are different now. Things have become more clear to me." Something was taking shape inside of him--words coming from him that Navaria had never experienced before. He was not the same man she knew and had trained. Something else was speaking for him.

It was a hint of the Dark side. A side of the Force that could easily sneak up on an unsuspecting victim in the time of need. It was ever so softly manipulating him, and he had no idea.

[Navaria Tarkin]

With great pain comes great suffering and the Dark Side has taken a small root within Terran's mind, taking advantage of his sorrow in hopes to grow further. That was more important to her then being shocked at what the Padawan had spoken. She didn't want to believe at first that Xazor had done this, but Terran was speaking the truth. She could feel it and knew of which man he was speaking of. It was her once Padawan, Dasquian ...This situation was a terrible mess.

"Terran ..."

It was hard to reach him. While he spoke, his frame became rigid and unmoving. She had to reposition herself to kneel completely on her legs in order to look him in the eye.

"... I can feel your pain and how it clouds everything you have been through living here. It seems that all you have accomplished here means nothing and has been sullied by Xazor's betrayal."

She cupped his cheek, stroking it with her thumb, and looked softly into his eyes.

"For if that was true... you would not have come to see me."

The Jedi half-smiled and watched him carefully for his reaction.

[imported_Terran Starek]

For the first time in perhaps the entire day, Terran smiled.

He sighed a bit of relief and a small chuckle escaped him as he realized the validity to her words. She spoke the truth, and he was not fool enough to discard every word of it. Still, something inside of him cried that there was more to it than that. It refuted his thoughts that friends and relationships made his life what it was. Instead, it called for more questioning.

"You're right. You're right--I would've left the instant I heard the news, had it not been for the people who care about me here. The people I care about." But the doubts in his mind remained. "But I feel that there are so many holes, now. I feel that I can't believe in everything I have come to know as 'truth.' Love. . ." He didn't want to get started.

"Friendship is real, and this--" he touched her hand "--this is real. You are real, as I am real, as the Force is real. But what is love? What is it? If I believe in it so much, and I am so desperately hurt--" he stopped, holding back.

[Sanis Prent]

A knock came at the door...interrupting the moment.

[Navaria Tarkin]

She squeezed his hand tightly and was about to speak further to help alleviate his confusion when a knock came at the door. It was even later in the evening at this point, so that would only mean an emergency. Possibly the Council. Navaria continued to hold Terran as she let her mind focus on the person behind the door and gasped.

"What? But ... "

Navaria was surprised to sense that a Jedi was not outside the door but Sanis. Confusion was quickly spreading throughout her mind and it showed in her face.

"Terran. Wait here please."

Making sure that the Padawan would wait for her, she quickly got herself together and opened the door.

"Sanis! What are you doing here so late? Are you all right?"

Worry was in her voice as she stepped up to greet him, hugging him close and looking for anything physically wrong. He always made it a point to communicate with her ahead of time when he was in town. Well, almost all the time. Sanis did like to surprise her every now and then but not so late at night.

[imported_Terran Starek]

Terran nodded silently, keeping himself seated. He closed his eyes and attempted to relax a bit. He thought about his plans, trying to hide his emotions.

[Sanis Prent]

I really didn't want to explain my <a href=http://www.swforums.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=25279&perpage=20&pagenumber=1>really, really bad day</a> at the moment, but Navaria saw right through all that. I looked like a mess, I knew that much. For now I hugged her close, glad to be in her company.

"I don't kno--"

I glanced behind Navaria, and saw Terran.

I then noticed Navaria was in her evening gown. Releasing myself from the embrace, I looked at her with genuine concern on my face.

"What's going on here?"

[Navaria Tarkin]

A little part of her thought it was cute that Sanis was jealous since nothing was going on at all.

"You can relax."

She stepped in closer and ran fingers through his hair like she always did to calm him.

"Terran was having a ... bad day as well and needed someone to talk to."

It was none of Sanis' business of what they talked about. That would betray the trust set between her and Terran, but she did sense that Sanis was still grumbling inside.

You know that I love you and there is no one else for me love.

[Sanis Prent]

I had a sharp headache, and it felt like my stomach was doing flips.

"Ugh. I'm sorry, I gotta sit down."

I made my way to a chair near the bedstand, and eased myself into it. After a few moments, I looked at Nav again.

"Am I interrupting anything? I just...eh...it can wait."

[imported_Terran Starek]

"No, you're not interrupting anything at all, sir." Terran replied in a soft, polite voice. Standing up, realizing precisely how Sanis felt considering his own personal tribulations as of late, he grabbed his bag. He approached the two who now stood in the doorway.

"I'm afraid we haven't met. My name is Terran Starek." Terran extended a weak hand to the other. He knew the face--perhaps from the news, maybe? But, they had never formally met. Something about the man was unnerved. He was tired, maybe? Terran couldn't pinpoint his exact emotion.

"Master Tarkin, thank you for your time." His eyes still showed a great ammount of pain, but he knew his place. He could sense the connection between them. It was powerful--such as love or a great longing to be together, in the least. He didn't know what relationship they had, but the Jedi was able to feel it. He was becoming increasingly talented in sense as his training progressed. "I should let you two to your time." He managed to produce a weak smile.

[Navaria Tarkin]

Sanis was dreadfully sick, but that cause of it was eluding her senses. It was frustrating ... just like the timing of his arrival. Navaria had to trust in the Force that everything that happened was meant for a reason. Both of these men needed her help but Sanis took priority in this instance. She had to find the answer to what had made him so ill. At least with Terran, they had some time to talk.

She brushed aside a few strands of damp hair from Sanis' forehead and kissed him gently.

"I will be right back."

Making her way back into the main room, Navaria grabbed Terran's hand.

"I am sorry about all this. I wanted to talk more but ..."

She looked over in Sanis' direction briefly with noticable concern.

"He is sick ..."

Her eyes drifted back to Terran with a different kind of concern present.

"Please heed the words I said tonight since I have a feeling I will not see you for quite some time..."

It was said with a knowing sadness.

"Your path is clouded right now Terran ... it will be up to you to find solid footing again."

And then she finished with a warm smile.

"But I know you are strong enough to pull through this for you are a good man and you did nothing wrong. Remember what I have taught you."

[imported_Terran Starek]

Terran studied her demeanor and her face as she referred to her sick. . .friend? They had a much deeper connection, it was obvious, but he was not in the mood to pursue it any further. Instead, he did all he could to agree.

"I will surely find it," he said. She was right, chances were, she wasn't going to see him for some time--he was leaving. As a matter of fact, he didn't plan on anyone here seeing him for a very long time--possibly ever. But, he had to maintain and keep an air of confidence. "Thank you again for your help and encouragement. I hope that your friend recovers from his sickness and finds peace in his mind." Terran smiled weakly, but he tried. The words didn't come out as true and as warm as his usual self.

"Good luck, Master Tarkin. May the Force be with you." With that, he turned and made his way to leave.

[Sanis Prent]

"Sanis Prent" I managed, shaking Terran's hand limply with my own clammy one.

I took a seat as the two moved away to talk, and strangely enough...I could still hear them, even though they were whispering. It wasn't anything particuarly insightful anyway. Whatever awkward situation I'd caught them in, it appeared to be only awkward and nothing more, which was a relief I guess.

Ugh...the room seemed to spin a bit. I sat wearily, breathing deeply and exhaling sharply, as my pupils dialated.

[Navaria Tarkin]

She wondered what the future held in store of Terran ... but any attempt to see into the Force was forgotten. Sanis was groaning in pain.

Quickly she dashed into the bedroom and kneeled before him.

"What happened to you?"

A visual once over made Navaria think he had been poisoned. Dilation of the pupils, muscle spasms and a cold sweat all pointed to it. Her mind gently touched his and a calming warmth washed over him. Little by little the pain began to subside ...

"Are you poisoned? Why are you not in a medbay?"

There was no panic in her voice, she a genuine concerned and wonderment why he stopped here instead of getting proper medical treatment.

[Sanis Prent]

"Some-...thing...stung me."

My mouth was a little dry and I swallowed heavily.

"I don't know. I just came here first. I knew you'd know what to do. I've been on and off passing out for the past day. I had Marcus bring the ship in on autopilot."

[Navaria Tarkin]

She grimaced.

"What stung you?"

The sensations she was getting from Sanis baffled Navaria. It was no form of poison that she knew of that was affecting him ... unless it wasn't poison and something else raging through his body.

[Sanis Prent]

"I can't remember."

I clutched at my head by the temples, trying to will my headache away.

"I remember the pain, and I turn around..."

I blinked.

"And then nothing. A dream, maybe. I woke up and passed out some. I can't remember anything."

[Navaria Tarkin]

She closed her eyes and postioned her hands by the sides of Sanis' head. A warmth came over him, stronger then before, and the pain disappeared.

"Now ... Perhaps I can look back into your memories and find out the answer. You might not remember now but the mind always does, Sanis."

Her voice was calm as can be, but inside Navaria was supressing the worry that was eating away at her heart. The only man she ever loved was in danger but loosing her cool would not help the situation at all.

[Sanis Prent]

Even as the pain disappeared, it seemed to rebound a moment later.

"N...Nav...don't...."

My eyes rolled back into my head, and I passed out, slumping forward.

[Navaria Tarkin]

His words were slurring..

"Sanis? Do not what?"

And then the moment unconsciousness hit, Navaria grabbed him as he fell forward, using the Force so she was able to hold him.

"Sanis!"

Quickly she hit the emergency comm next to her bed and called for medical assistance to her quarters.

"Do not ask many questions! Just get someone here now!"

Gently she turned Sanis so his back faced the bed and set him down. Carefully Navaria eased him into a laying position and swung his legs over the bed, probing him through the Force as best she could to find an answer to his dilemma until a medical team could try scientifically... It was frustrating! Nothing was coming .. no insight at all to what was ailing him. Whatever was affecting him seemed to be blocking her efforts, which started to give the Jedi a small headache..