No excuses (Pierce)

[Helenias Evenstar]

I had to admit, I was feeling better lately. Some rest, some sleep and now, I was up on my feet and walking about. Even managed to get a workout done... which given my condition, I dont think that was wise.

Stuff wise. Look what wisdom had bought me lately. The fact was, I was kidding myself. I tried to be calm and peaceful, I tried to be more liek the Jedi code, I tried to be a mother to Xazor, a shoulder to lean on, a kind and gentle woman. I was not. I was a warrior. I was no teacher, I was a mauler. I specialised in destruction and enemy body counts. I hated diplomacy. My idea of a debate was to pull out my Pike and lay the smack down.

So, here I was. Outside of Pierce Tondry's room. I didn't need to reherse what I was going to say.

Nice knowing you Pierce, but the fact is, I'm not cut out to be a teacher. I kick <smallfont color={hovercolor}>-Censored-</smallfont> for a living. I'm kidding myself if I can be any different, that I can train you - I'm going to get back out there and do what I'm good at. Catch you around

I raised my hand and knocked on his door.

[Pierce Tondry]

The door opened, revealing Pierce wearing only a set of trousers and thin plastic gloves on his hands. "Helenias," he said, surprised. "I was just making dinner. Come on in, you can have some when I'm finished."

Abruptly, he turned from the door and disappeared out of view inside his apartment.

[Helenias Evenstar]

With some perplexion, I noted Pierce disappearing. I had intended to simply announce myself at the door and then turn on my heel and leave. I guess I had no choice for now than to come inside. That would mean accepting dinner, for I was a polite woman. I thence walked in, closing the door behind me.

"Nice apartment" I called out. Onto the floor I dumped my backpack, before looking around for a chair to sit in. I was not dressed in the usual dresses and other pretty junk, I was back into the clothes that made me look like I was getting ready to fight in an alley brawl. I felt more comfortable in them.

[Jax Ivanrue Tondry]

"Hi! Jame! Hi!" A little boy ran up to Helenias and then stopped short as he looked closer at who it was. He hesitated and stuck his fingers in his mouth as 'shy mode' kicked on.

[Pierce Tondry]

"Not James today, kiddo," Pierce's voice called from the kitchen. "Helenias. You wanna look after her while I finish the spaghetti, Little One?"

[Jax Ivanrue Tondry]

Jax scuffed his little shoe on the floor, and rubbed his nose, alternating between looking at his feet and peeking up at Helenias. "Okay, Dad." He looked around a bit, and then pointed down at a book that was on the floor. It was titled "Speeders."

He looked back at Helenias, and then picked up the book and brought it over to her.

[Helenias Evenstar]

While I was certainly not as distrustful of children as I once had been, I still found myself out of sorts with them. I had tried to be a mother to Jax for a few months and to Jina as well - but really, it just did not suit me. I wasn't ready. Not by a long shot.

Still.....

I took a glance at the book in the boy's hands, then squatted down so I was more on his height.

"Speeders hmmm? And which one is your favorite? Like to show me?"

[Jax Ivanrue Tondry]

"Uh huh..." Jax turned the thick card pages, and pointed at a red, sporty model. Open cockpit, and built for speed. "It'sa fast one!" He smiled happily, and then squirmed next to Helen, scooting his bottom onto her leg, trying to sit on her lap as she knelt on the floor.

[Helenias Evenstar]

"That looks like a nice one" I said, not really comfortable with the young boy trying to sit on my lap. However, I did allow him to do so. "Now - does your father have a speeder? Is it in here in this book?"

Suddenly, things were certainly not going to plan.

[Pierce Tondry]

"Show her page thirty-three, kiddo," Pierce called from the kitchen, accompanied by loud chopping noises.

[Jax Ivanrue Tondry]

Jax grinned, and turned the pages quickly, skipping past thirty-three, and then back tracking to it. There were all sorts of swoops on this page, and he pointed to a red one. Apparently red was one of his more favorite colors. "You like it? You like it?" Jax peered up at the woman, trying to see if she was paying attention.

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Yes, I do like" I said. "One moment please, little one. I have to talk to your father".

I had pretty much decided - I had to say this now or I was never going to say it. I could already feel the ties that bound me to this place resisting, pulling against the decision I had made.

"Pierce, on second thoughts, dont worry about anything for me, I wont be staying long. I've come here to tell you in person I will be leaving. I really am not cut out to be a Jedi, I am sorry to say. I am too much of a warrior at heart. I have had a while to think while I was in the medical wing and I cant really see a future here. There's just too many things others want me to be and you know as well as I do, I..."

Words failed me for a moment as I tripped over my own tongue. Not wanting to stop, I closed my eyes, took a breath and started again.

"I'm not ready to be a mother yet. With all the other things to be, A Jedi, a Senator, your Master, I just can't be everything. I have to go because my my life is changing and I don't want to do it wrong"

[Pierce Tondry]

Pierce's head appeared in the doorway, briefly. "Running away again, Helenias?" he tsked. "I'd have thought you had more courage than that."

The head disappeared, followed by some snapping noises.

[Jax Ivanrue Tondry]

Jax dropped his book on speeders, and darted past Helenias' legs, appearing in the kitchen. "I wanna help!" He grabbed a chair by the seat and started pushing it over to the counter by his dad.

[Helenias Evenstar]

My own head showed up around the corner a few seconds later, the expression on my face very, very clear.

"Excuse me?" I said, slowly and deliberatly. "Would you care to repeat what you just said again - I thought you just called me a coward"

[Pierce Tondry]

Helenias saw Jax sitting at a table busily tearing apart a large head of lettuce. His father was carefully cutting up some celery and he did not answer Helenias' statement until he had finished.

"Good," he said when he finally looked up. "You heard right."

He turned around and calmly added the celery to a bubbling put of sauce on the nearby stove.

[Helenias Evenstar]

"I presume you have had a brain injury lately, or your simply seeking to get a rise out of me" I said, my voice icy, "But your not going to get one. It's a case of priorities, Padawan. If I was a coward, this... this... thing in me would be aborted. This child is the worst damn thing that could happen to me, I'm not ready and I don't want it, it's dangerous to my system and if my family ever found out who the father was, they would stop at nothing to make sure not even ash remains of me. If I am going to completely frell up my life for this child, I am going to make sure I can actually be a mother proper to it"

[Jax Ivanrue Tondry]

Jax looked up from the lettuce, and accidentally knocked some onto the ground. He looked from his Dad to Helenias, and said, quite loudly, "Me mess!"

Then he dropped a few more pieces on the ground to see what sort of pattern they were going to make. The lettuce dropped slowly...very slowly in fact, defying gravity as it wafted down. The boy giggled.

Helenias might have looked at him, and wondered about the courage of his own mother, or perhaps she had been a coward as well, in the long run. Jax looked at Helenias again, and said, "Issa momma? Where's da baby?"

[Pierce Tondry]

Pierce smiled at his son, half -amused, half gently serious. "Remember, the rule is that if you make a mess, you have to clean it up," he reminded Jax. "Now pick those up and throw them in the trash can, please."

As Jax set about picking up the lettuce that had fallen to the floor, Pierce faced Helenias again. "No, no rise, no brain injury. You're just being a coward."

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Explain yourself then" I snapped. "Becuase, from where I sit, it looks like I'm taking the path that needs courage just to contemplate it!"

[Pierce Tondry]

"Don't kid yourself," Pierce laughed. A puff of steam hit his face as he opened the pot of noodles. "Real courage is staying and facing the challenges of the life you've chosen head on, not running from them. The responsibilities don't go away just because you think you can't handle them, and you know that."

Satisfied that the noodles were nearly done, he twisted the stove's heating knobs and began stirring the sauce with a large wooden spoon. A sniff told him that the sauce was almost done, too. "Want a taste?" he said, offering Helenias a sample in the spoon.

[Helenias Evenstar]

"No thank you" I said to the proffered spoon. "And I dont think you heard me correctly, for if you did, I am sure you would know that's exactly what I am doing. Besides, I need the time to sort out some issues"

"Plus," I added, "This child wont have a father. I'm also quite sure the Jedi won't like it when I assassinate one of the Order's founders. 70 years ago I was sent out into to Galaxy to find one being whom was going to destroy all that the people of my home believed in. It's my foul luck that I found out Q'Dunn is that man after.... this happened."

I didn't look at Pierce as my eyes unfocused and I went inwards, recalling details.

"You saw what he did on Harrvii. I checked archives, no Jedi should be able to do what he did. What you saw was two Sith, a Master and her apprentice fighting. Callista the Black and Marcus Q'Dunn. Q'Dunn, seems he's alive I've just become aware, obviously won. De'ville was right, Q'Dunn is no Jedi, he's a Dark Sider."

"Maybe I will stay for dinner. This is a long story and some of it will take a power of explaination"

[Pierce Tondry]

Pierce shook his head- it was the typical Evenstar way. They never listen when you try to tell them something important, and then would stubbornly feed you details that didn't matter.

"I was there, in case you forgot," Pierce said calmly. He began transferring the dishes from the stove to the table. "And in case you forgot, so were you. And in case you forgot, we both lived to be here. From where I stand that counts for something."

"One of the things I learned when I joined the Jedi was that a person's past doesn't have to rule who they are. Why are you letting that color your view of Marcus?"

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Becuase he decieved me on the one thing that he should never have - about himself. What he told me about his past and what I now know is different - too different. If your going to lie to your own wife about your past, then what can you be trusted with?"

I closed my eyes, breathed in to calm myself.

"I could have just accepted not being told. I could, in some way reconcile that. But being completely lied to? What am I expected to think?"

[Pierce Tondry]

"Well, that depends," Pierce said slowly, thinking as he was speaking. "If you're protecting information, that's one thing. If you're hiding something you did-"

The words trailed off as they left Pierce's mouth. His eyes flickered involuntarily to Jax, who was busy playing with a fork.

[Jax Ivanrue Tondry]

Jax poked himself in the finger with the fork, and squalled, dropping the fork with a clatter.

[Helenias Evenstar]

It took a lot for me to hold my ground - after all, i had looked after that young boy when he was a baby. I did care for him after all. I wasn't callous.

Jax is Pierce's child, I won't step in and be a mother for him or try to be, even temporarily. It's not my place

But was I certain of that? Or the fact I had to restrain myself from leaping up, was that some sort of maternal instinct?

The distractions here were not helping with what I was here for. Mentally, I admitted defeat on this round. Looks like Plan B would have to be enacted