Cruelty of Love: Don't Turn Away (Xazor)

[imported_Terran Starek]

Honestly
by Zwan

I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe the love you talk about with me
Is it true, do I care
Honestly, you can try to wipe the memories aside
But it's you that you erase

'Cause there's no place that I could be without you
It's too far to discard the life I once knew
Honestly, all the weather storms are bringing
Are just a picture of my dreams
'Cause when I think of you as mine
And allow myself with time
to lead into the life we want
I feel loved, honestly
I feel loved, this honestly

I believe you mean the best that life can bring
I believe in it all
Honestly, you can try
your heart is just as long as mine
is it ours to let go

'Cause there's not place that I could be without you
It's too dark to discard the life I once knew
Honestly, a single wrong is not enough
To cover up the pain in us
'Cause when I think of you as mine
And allow myself with time
To lead into the life we want
I feel loved, honestly
I'll make a joke so you must laugh
I'll break your heart so you must ask
Is this the way to get us back
I don't know, honestly
I don't know, this honestly

There's no place that I could be without you
Honestly

There's no place that I could be without you
There's no place that I could gleam without you
There's no place that I could dream without you
There's no place that I could be without you

Honestly


************************

"Hey wait up!"

"Nope--you have to catch me if you want it!" The girl giggled as she made her way through the thick forest.

"Ok. . .you asked for it!" He muttered under his breath. He closed his eyes and commanded the Force to empower him--as Master Kama had always taught him to do. Assert the Force and bend it to your will, he'd said. Without warning, his legs sped up as his body pushed forward at an incredible rate. With Force speed, he located her.

"Hey, that's not fair--" she was cut off as he practically tackled her onto the soft forest floor. They landed into a pile of leaves, his arms across her body, pinning her down playfully.

"Now. . .I think that's mine," he said, eyeing the brown leather satchel she carried. She smiled.

"It costs to get it back."

"Oh yeah? How much?"

"You know the going rate," she said, biting her lip.

"Ok, ok," he replied, smiling. Then, it faded as he leaned down and kisser her lips. They were as soft as he always remembered and tasted precisely like his dreams. He held the kiss a bit longer than usual, and when they finished, he pressed his forehead against hers. "I. . .have something to tell you."

"What?" Her eyes were questioning, though she knew it would be something good.

"I. . .well, we've spent alot of time together lately. . .and I. . ."

"What is it, Chase?" She was anxious, feeling something inside for what was coming. She could almost hear it.

"I. . .I love you, Xazor. I love you." He smiled as he said it nervously, the first time it had ever been uttered from his lips. She looked back, a small tear--of something so precious--froming at the corner of her eye.

"I love you too, Chase. I love you too." She pulled his head in with both of her hands, kissing him deeply again.


Terran sat--cross-legged--in a very peaceful corner of the Temple Courtyard. Though his mind was not at ease, he did his best to keep his body in a state of relaxation. She had told him to go and 'meditate' on his love for her. He didn't understand--maybe he wasn't supposed to. As far as he could tell, though, it would be best to support her and do his best to be on her side.

So, he meditated.

Memories passed through his mind, some of which he had just made with his time here at the GJO, others recovered through regaining his memory of the past. Even though he had great difficulty remembering how he had trained as a Sith and was knighted, the memories of his love for Xazor were vivid and conquered all doubts and odds.

He smiled, thinking of their bond.

I don't know what troubles my love, but I know that it will all be over soon. Our love will conquer all trials and tribulations. I trust in this, he thought, sharing his thoughts with he and the Force. His mind was clear, and he could sense many beings around him. His ability to sense was frighteningly accute, and he could feel a very familiar presence making its way to his position.

Xazor.

He smiled to himself, feeling better prepared and more open to recieve her than before. It was true--he needed time to meditate. Training, as of late, had been very vigorous, and the strain upon Xazor must have been great as well. Hopefully this time, they could come to a more concise conclusion about the way they felt.

Hopefully, they could find their peace in the Force.

[Xazor Elessar]

The sun's rays gently touched the Jedi Knight's skin and she openly soaked up its warmth while walking through the Temple Courtyard. Though a slight smile rested upon her face, she felt troubled and melancholy. Just a day or so previously she had voiced lies and hurtful words to Terran, her fiancee, just so that he would not be suspicious of her secret life. Indeed, she had questioned his love for her and told him to meditate on the matter. Now, she came to deliver crushing blow to the one she loved so deeply -- one she would never be able to forget or put from her mind.

Slowly the woman walked and the black robes upon her body were caught up by the wind. Her waist length Garou Warrior Braids wove around one another and the coins in them clanged together softly until she came to a stop at his feet. Her bright cyan eyes set gently upon his face though she felt tears stinging at the back of her lids.

"Hi, Terran."

She spoke softly, the words uncharacteristic of her. "Greetings" seemed to be a common thing spoken by the Knight, but not this day -- all formalities were left behind. The woman slowly sat down before him and set her intense gaze upon his eyes. It was then that her heart broke and she merely looked to the ground and allowed a few tears to fall from her eyes, hidden from his view by the shadows cast upon her face. She said nothing else for she was unable -- completely consumed by emotion at the thought of what she was about to do, everything she had to say to him.

[imported_Terran Starek]

He smiled, although he found her greeting rather odd.

"Hi Xazor," he replied, softly and with a relaxed tone in his voice. He was confident that he was prepared to deal with her strange questioning now. He trusted that he had been given the preparation and skills through the Force to do so. He watched as she sat down and kept his eyes glued to hers.

"Thank you for coming here. I didn't know if you would," he said, in the most nonthreatening way possible. "I thought maybe something had so deeply troubled you that I could be of no assistance--something of the Darkside perhaps. Maybe you were having troubles with your abilities or something. I know that you and Master Elessar have such a special bond together, I figured that it was your intention to seek him. But, if you ever--"

"Terran," Xazor said, a certain tone in her voice that he recognized. It was the "you're rambling" tone. He was. His motormouth had carried him away rather quickly and a jumbled mass of nearly indecipherable speech was rolling out.

"I'm sorry," he spoke reaching out to take her hand. She held it. . .but it didn't feel right. She wasn't squeezing it like usual. Her head bowed, he sat for a moment, just watching her. Until, in one moment, her sadness swept over his compassionate heart. It was then that he noticed her tears falling silently from her eyes and splashing like tiny puddles on the ground.

"Xazor!" Terran exclaimed in pity, though not loudly. He moved right beside her and took her in his arms. He could no longer bear this burden, and it was time that things be cleared up.

"Xazor, I cannot stand to see you like this anymore. I cannot. I don't understand," he said, raising her head soflty with his hand so that her eyes met his own. "But your sadness is killing me inside. I will not let you go--I will not leave this place until I know the truth. Please, Xazor. . .I need to know. . .I want to help you. . ."

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor shook her head as he took her into his arms. She did not resist but instead leaned in close to him, resting her eyes upon his when he brought her chin up to do so.

"I need to know. . .I want to help you. . ."

He spoke softly and sincerely. This broke Xazor's heart even further for the burden she carried was great and no longer could she keep it to herself. The woman's tears fell upon herself and upon Terran, leaving splashes upon their hearts instead of their clothing.

"I -- I don't understand things sometimes, Terran, but -- my life is changing."

She said softly and she gazed into his eyes, barely able to speak without her voice cracking or squeaking from the immense immotion running deeply through her soul. "There is no emotion." She recalled the words of the Jedi pledge, but pushed it from her mind with the notion that she was also a Lost Jedi and could no longer listen to the Code.

"I don't want to hurt you Terran -- and these last few weeks I've been in a deep depression. I -- I was doing drugs, drinking -- no, binging. Terran, I've been a mess and right now I just --"

He looked at her with sorrow in his eyes, seeming to know what was coming. Terran held her closer and shook his head as if he was fighting back tears of his own.

"What, Xazor -- please, tell me --"

His words were comforting and the Jedi Knight knew that she did not deserve his kindness. She lowered her eyes and sighed inwardly, preparing to speak the words that had been tearing her apart inside -- the words that would break the heart of the one she loved so much, and would inevitably crush her.

"I have so much going on in my life right now and it's not fair to you or I so -- I had to make a decision. I -- I'm not in the state to get married -- much less have a relationship."

She watched his eyes fall away from hers and she knew that what she said could no longer be undone. The birds around them had been singing -- but their songs ceased in that moment and an awkward silence fell between the two for the first time in several years.

"Please, Terran -- know that it isn't your fault! You're suffering too and it just -- it can't work -- not now, okay?"

The pain was too intense and Xazor's tears fell in groups now, collecting on her cheeks and below her chin. They fell on Terran and on herself as she looked down at the ring upon her finger. Slowly with her first finger and thumb of her right hand, she began to slip the ring off.

[imported_Terran Starek]

Maybe he was missing something. Maybe, in the soundwaves that left her vocal cords, there was a flaw. An inconsistency that he just didn't pick up on. Perhaps he heard her wrong. Perhaps somehow, in a single second of organ disfunction, he hadn't recieved her words precisely as they were spoken. Perhaps in that moment, the phrase she uttered had been cruely adjusted by nature and the perception of his surroundings to form an alternate, less true meaning.

"I'm not in the state to get married -- much less have a relationship . . . it can't work -- not now, okay?"

Before emotion began to overtake him, his logical reasoning stepped in. It didn't make sense. It wasn't reasonable to say such a thing--at such a time in their relationship when thier love was only strengthened by being together again. It didn't settle right, and he wouldn't buy it.

"Xazor . . . I don't . . ." His eyes searched hers. "I don't . . . I don't understand . . . I don't think I know what you mean . . ." He searched for the words. She kept her eyes away from his, keeping them closely sealed to the ground below her.

"I think that we . . . we just . . . I-I think . . ." His words were failing as emotion began to creep up on him. Terran was a very feeling being--too feeling, some Jedi would say. He watched as her hand went down to her finger--the finger upon which the ring he had given her . . .their engagement ring . . .upon the finger it rested. She began slowly, ever slowly, to pull it off of her hand.

"No . . . this isn't right." He tried to remain calm, but was feeling it slip. "Something's wrong here . . . something isn't right. Xazor? Did I?" She shook her head before he even finished the question. "How did I hurt you? How . . . I . . . I don't . . . you don't?" She shook her head again, knowing the question before it came out. "Anymore . . . you don't love me--"

"Terran . . . please," Her eyes were intense, moreso than he had seen in some time. He stopped and looked away.

"I-I-I . . . I-I . . . I-I-I-I . . ." As tears began to flood his eyes, his voice started to give away. It began to crack and he was unable to connect with his brain to form words orsentences. Very slowly, his breathing became shorter, coming in heaves and gasps, as though he was choking on something. He was choking back his want to scream out and cry and sob.

"X-X-Xazor . . . I-I . . . I love y--"

"Please, please, please don't," she pleaded with him, in a voice nearly--if not more--shaken than his own. She had slipped the ring entirely off of her finger now, squeezing it in her palm. She held it tightly, streams and streams of hot tears burning reflective streaks of pain down her cheeks. Something inside of him twisted as she spoke. Something hard and knotted and painful.

He was breaking.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor's heart wrenched inside of her chest. Her breaths were shorter and shorter as the tears rushed down her cheeks in torrents. She looked away as he pleaded with her -- her own words were offered back in the same manner. Her mind was racing at this point and she felt sick at the thought of the deed she was about to committ. "I could just slip the ring back on and run away with you, never giving Dasquian a reason! I cannot do that -- I -- I --" Her mind was not processing the information it was throwing at her and the woman's emotional tree collapsed. She wept into her hands for a moment before pulling them away to look at the one she loved so deeply -- the one she trusted with her life and the one that she wanted to spend forever with. "I love you Terran -- don't you ever forget that." She thought to herself, wishing against her own will to push the thought into his head, but she could not. It was too late -- he would never forgive her for what she did so her relationship was doomed from the start.

"Please don't say anything -- okay? Just know that it isn't your fault, okay? It's me, Terran -- it's me. At night, please don't keep yourself awake on my account -- don't dream about me, but think of the happier times we had together. Think of the past and hope for a new future. Above all else, though --"

She paused and slowly took his left hand in her own, looking down at his own engagement ring -- a single gold band. Her heart completely sank -- it was almost as if it was ripped from her chest. The Garou Knight, through the massive amounts of tears rolling down her cheeks, slowly pressed the ring into the palm of his hand and curled his fingers around it into a fist.

"--don't wait for me."

The words were a whisper, barely heard due to the tension in her voice and the tremors rocking her body. Her hands shakily grasped his other and placed it atop the closed fist. For a moment, she held them there and looked deeply into his eyes. Slowly she leaned in and kissed him slightly -- then passionatly as if her mind had taken over her body. After a moment, she pulled away and withdrew her shaky hands to rest upon her lap. Looking down as the tears fell to kiss the ground, she wept more so.

"I'm sor -- sorry, Terran. Just know -- I -- I --"

She could not finish and instead, rose to her feet and turned away. She slowly began to walk away from him then, leaving the love of her life sitting in a broken heap. Her legs felt weak as if she had not eated in days -- no, weeks. The swiftness of her walk became greater as she made distance between them. With one final look back, her heart was crushed.

"--love you"

The words finished her previous statement but quietly echoed through Terran's mind. They were empty, yet full -- full of a pain rooted deeply within Xazor's soul -- full with a pain that would never leave the Jedi Knight. She could not help herself and seemed not to be able to move. Instead, she stared at him as silence overswept the surrounding area.

"I -- I'll never forget you -- Terran. I'll never forget how good you were to -- me."

Rivers of tears flooded her eyes once again and she turned and ran as she had wished to before. She ran away from him -- away from the world -- and away from her life. He was her life, and now -- she had killed herself. Now she would live in a hollow shell for the rest of eternity, thinking of the great sin that befell her.

[imported_Terran Starek]

Like a hovertrain carrying 50 megatons of durasteel, Terran felt the words crush him with momentum unimaginable.

She didn't give him a chance to explain, not a chance to retort, not a chance to frown or a hug or a squeeze or anything. Nothing. The words were said and then she had turned away. She turned away.

Don't turn away. . . he'd pleaded to no one. Not even to the Force, just into the silence. Into nothing. He pleaded into the shell that was their relationship--a broken, empty and cold-hard shell that once held so much together. He cried into the Force to stop this right now--make this a bad dream that he would find himself awakened from at any moment.

Please. . .don't. . . She was well out of sight now. It was obvious that she was not happy to give him the news. But how could she be? He knew that they were in love. He knew it. He knew it, he knew it, he knew it! Something was wrong. She was hiding something and he was going to figure it out sometime soon. He had to. He had to.

She was joking! This was a joke! It had to be.

He clutched the ring in his hand.

She was just playing a little trick on him, that was it. Very funny, Xazor. Very funny. You can come back now, he thought. Nice one--you had me going.

He squeezed the ring in his hand.

"No. . .Xazor. . .whatever I did. . ." The pain began to set in much harder. He struggled for breath as he held the ring tighter in his hand. He just didn't understand. She loved him? But she didn't? She didn't want to be with him? She couldn't? He didn't understand.

"No. . .Xazor. . .I'll change. . .I'll be around more. I'll give up my training. . ." He was pleading with an invisible force. She was long gone, yet his mouth kept movng.

He clenched the ring in his hand so hard that it hurt.

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he finally felt it coming. Pain. Intense, illogical, emotion overwhlemed him. He gasped, then sniffled, then cried. Hot, burning tears let loose like a broken dam as they overflowed his face. He pushed himself back into a darkened, shadowy corner of the courtyard so that his figure was not seen.

There he cried. He cried like he had never cried before. Tears streamed down his face like those that came from a young boy or girl. He cried as though a water pipe had been cracked open in his eyes.

He was a broken man.