Cruelty of Love: Suspicions (Xazor)--COMPLETED

[imported_Terran Starek]

It had been some time since they had spent any real time together. He hadn't realized it until today, his head stuck in books and training. He was desparately preparing himself for his ultimate goal--knighthood--and he found himself extremely busy in all of his work. She had been on several missions as of late and plenty of visits to different classes about parenting and labor. It was strange--at first, he found himself trailing her everywhere--all of her classes and visits to the nursery. But, she had told him "you need to get back to your training" and he took her advice. He always did.

However, it was time to spend the afternoon together. He missed her dearly and deserved a break from things. He had contacted her about meeting him at Yog's for lunch, and he figured that maybe today would be the big day. Perhaps it was time for them to talk about marriage. He missed the times they would spend together and figured that if they were living together--as married partners--they would spend much more time together. He smiled thinking about the ring he had on his finger.

Taking a seat, he let himself relax. He couldn't wait to see her and it showed in his nearly constant smile.

[Xazor Elessar]

It was a warm day and the sun beat upon the Jedi Knight's skin as she made her way to Master Yoghurts Bar and Grill. Clad in a beautiful red dress that did not hide the fact that she was pregnant, the woman felt alive like never before. All the time she was spending with Dasquian brought joy to her stressful life and the busy schedule she was keeping. He reminded her that she was still beautiful despite the fact that her girth was like that of a storage barn.

The clang of the silver coins in her waist length Garou Warrior braids could be heard from afar as she rounded the corner and began the straightaway to the establishment. Today she would spend time with Terran, though she felt rather awkward about it. Dasquian was quite jealous about this, but hid it well, and gladly let her go. "If we wish to keep this to ourselves, I must comply." She had told him and he understood. The thought crossed her mind upon entering the Bar and Grill and she spotted Terran waiting for her. Smiling as if it was the first time she laid eyes upon him, the woman rushed to his table and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"It has been far too long, my love."

She whispered, though the words felt unnatural once again. Her heart began to ache in that very moment as thoughts of the betrayal she was participating in ran through her mind. Slowly she withdrew from her fiancee and sat down across from him.

"Sorry I am late -- I had to pick up a few things around my room."

"I was secretly in Dasquian's room explaining to him why I needed to see you like this." She thought to herself and sighed inwardly. Her eyes drifted away from Terran for a moment and they looked out the window, wondering what could be going through his mind at that second. She pondered if he had any suspicions or perhaps -- he knew. Pushing the negative thoughts away, she smiled and turned her attention back to him once again.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"No apologies are necessary: I want all of your worries to be dispelled in my presence, my dear," he said with a smile. He was so glad to see her, he could barely contain himself. He seemed to take on a different glow when she was present, and anyone who paid a second's worth of attention would be able to tell. He reached across the table and squeezed her hand.

"It's so wonderful to see you," he said, his eyes finding her own. She looked away. Somewhat odd, he thought, but she was probably thinking about her duties. Her work was always on her mind. "You know what crossed my mind today? I think it's time for a vacation! I know you haven't had much free time to spend with anyone special lately--" he grinned playfully "--so I was thinking. We should take a break from our duties here and take a vacation. A well deserved one, says I." Terran could no longer help it. He rose from his seat and came across the table, sitting closely next to Xazor.

"I've missed you so much, my love. You look so beautiful today." He smiled and held both of her hands. "I cannot wait until. . .well, I am anxious for our new life, Xazor. I. . .I want to be near you everyday. . ." Terran smiled, leaning in to kiss her on her soft lips.

[Xazor Elessar]

The mention of a vacation made Xazor's heart skip a beat. She had speant time alone with someone special -- obviously he forgot that. "Good -- maybe he doesn't remember." She thought to herself and nodded slowly.

"A vacation! It sounds lovely, Terran -- it's just that I have so many Padawans and so much to do about the baby."

It was almost too easy to make excuses not to see him. She did not wish to think about time away from Dasquian, though -- or time with Terran that may make her change her mind about what she had decided.

"Perhaps, though, the Council may allow me some time away. Maybe Marcus could look after my students while we are gone."

She smiled absently but it grew ever so slightly when Terran came and sat beside her, ecstatic about their new life together. The Jedi Knight nearly forgot about it until she gazed down at the ring upon her finger. "Damnit! This complicates things again." Her mind raced for something to say, but he suddenly leaned in to kiss her. The woman turned her head and he missed her lips all together, planting it upon her cheek. She did the same and smiled as she pulled away from him, pretending that she knew not of his intention to kiss her upon her lips.

"As am I, my love -- so much planning we have to do. Funny you should mention our life together -- this ring upon my finger has become so natural there, I nearly forgot we aren't married."

Xazor lied, attempting to cover for the kiss she blew off. Sighing as the guilt ate away at her, the Garou looked down at her hands in Terran's. She knew not what to say, especially since she outright avoided his moves several times. "What am I going to tell him? I'm sick? No, that won't work. Maybe -- man, what have I gotten myself into?" Again the thoughts raced through her mind and her eyes became sad for but a minute -- perhaps, though, just long enough for him to notice.

[imported_Terran Starek]

Terran paused as he kissed her cheek. He had been moving towards her lips, and it seemed odd that she had turned her head. Maybe he hadn't made his intention clear and there was a miscommunication, but he almost thought--for a second--that Xazor had shyed from his kiss.

"I hope you can find the time to go away with me--if only for a single day." He said as he felt somewhat confused over the kiss and over her lack of enthusiasm. "We haven't spent quality time together for too long. I miss you." He held her hands as she looked away yet again.

FLASH

Something strange hit him. It was a feeling, the kind of feeling recieved from the Force. A feeling one recieves from the energy, the electricity, the flow of the Living Force. He didn't always know what it was--only a padawan, a very sensitive one, at that, he could not always place the feeling. But he knew it was there.

"Xazor. . .I've noticed this the past few weeks. At the dinner and in your quarters. . .something isn't right." Terran had absolutely no clue about Dasquian and Xazor, but he could fel that something wasn't right. "What's wrong, darling? Has something upset you? You know, you can share anything with me--anything. You can always trust me to understand." His smile was soft and warm as he squeezed her hands again.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor looked at him with surprise etched across her face. 'Oh no, what do I say?" She thought to herself, shaking her head without noticing.

"No -- nothing's been wrong. I'm sorry sweetheart -- I've just felt a little under the weather. Things haven't been so great with my father either."

The woman made the excuse quite plausible as she looked deeply into Terran's eyes with the same love and affection as before. She would be lying to herself if she said she didn't love him still.

"I love you -- that's keeping me going."

She said softly, wishing she did not have to speak those words so that he knew. She sighed softly and lowered her eyes to the table once again.

"Perhaps for a day or so, then -- where did you have in mind?"

The Knight questioned, changing the subject quickly -- hoping that he followed her lead.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"I love you -- that's keeping me going." He smiled at her words.

Terran was not convinced she was alright, though he played along. He was a good listener and a good counselor, and he knew that in order to be effective as one, he had to be supportive of those he wished to help. Let them be comfortable and feel at ease before pushing the subject, he'd always learned.

"Well, part of me was thinking Eden. Afterall, I wish to see more of your home planet. I think some time on your native planet would do you some good, too." He brought his hand up to stroke her cheek lightly with it.

"I have noticed that Verse has returned. . .I can only wonder what emotions you have felt." He kept close to her, his cheek finding her own to comfort her.

"You know, the one thing we've always built our love on has been trust and honesty. I don't want you to hide things from me, babe. No matter how small you think they may be--a bad day or a sour feeling." He brought his face to face her own. "Please. . .my love. . .you would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?"

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled gently as Terran mentioned her homeplanet. She nodded and thought of the place she missed so much.

"Oh yes -- Eden is a beautiful place. I think it would do us well, but we would need to be gone for at least four or five days due to travelling there and back, as well as anything we do there."

She thought and attempted to make it seem like no big deal. Sighing inwardly as he spoke to her, the Knight was about to speak but could not as he drew her face close to his. Her heart melted inside as she canted her head to the side and looked deeply into his eyes. "I can't help but love him still!" She thought in her mind but pushed the feelings away.

"Yes, I would tell you -- honestly, I'm fine!"

She snapped at him slightly. It was not very noticeable, but he would be able to hear it in her voice and see the pain in her eyes. The Knight drew his hands from her face and sat back to look at him.

"You don't trust me anymore, do you? When I tell you something is fine, why do you push the issue?"

"I'm sorry Terran, I love you -- I can't stop this from happening." She thought to herself and lowered her eyes to the tabletop once again, absently taking his hand in her own to make things seem less dramatic at that moment. "I must be cruel to be kind -- I'll make him break off our engagement -- I'll make him hate me so it seems I have no choice." She thought to herself and looked to him with a knot in her stomach.

"Sorry."

The Knight whispered and looked into his eyes for but a minute before looking away out the window. The act was killing her inside, and she knew not how much longer she could keep up with it.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"Whoa, Xazor?" Terran questioned as his brow furrowed. She nearly snapped at him at what--he believed--was a supportive comment. Perhaps he had been out of line or maybe it was a combination of Xazor's stress and pregency tearing her patience away. "Xazor. . .I was just saying. . .I didn't mean. . ."

Sorry She spoke it to calm him and to reassure him. Something wasn't right, here. The Force brought the hairs on the back of his neck to a stand-up position as he wondered what was going on in her head. Speaking of, and considering present company, he decided that maybe it would be best to continue this conversation with their minds and eyes--the way they had talked several times before. Telepathy and their deep, emotional eyes.

He closed his eyes for a second, trying to connect with Xazor's thoughts. He let his mind seemingly leave his head--his aura reach across the physical plane that their bodies exsisted on--and touch her own. He attempted to send her a thought--

Nothing.

He tried again. Maybe he had failed because he was confused or hadn't concentrated enough. He tried again--a bit harder--as he concentrated. He reached out again, this time with a stronger push through the Force--

Nothing.

His eyes opened, saddened and confused. He knew what this meant. It could only be one thing. He had sent her thoughts through the Force a thousand times--anything from jokes to emotions to full paragraphs. Now, he couldn't.

She was blocking him.

She was much stronger than he was in her training, and that was quite possibly the only explanation. He reached out to lightly touch her face, his hand gently against her cheek as he pulled her eyes to meet his own.

"Xazor?" He questioned verbaly, pain in his face. "Why are. . .what. . .why. . .why are you hiding from me? Have I done something to upset you?" He began to wonder why she would hide from him. What would she hide from him? She was perfect--she had nothing to shield him from.

Why would she do so, then?

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor closed her eyes as she felt Terran touch her mind. Quickly she blocked him from doing so, afraid that he would hear her thoughts. The mental fortress she constructed would even be difficult for a Jedi Master to penetrate due to her Mentalist training. Slowly she looked at him -- and when he pulled her eyes close to his, she felt tears sting at the back of their lids.

"You didn't do anything, Terran, okay?"

She said softly and alas, a single tear rolled down her cheek. "It is I -- I am about to break your heart -- the heart I love so much -- that which I vowed never to break. I am about to hurt you, Terran -- the man I loved for so long -- the one I could not put behind me and even when you arrived upon my doorstep, I could not turn you away. I am about to lie to you, I am going to tell you I don't love you and then I am going to run away with another -- another that I cannot get past loving. I am not only going to hurt you, Terran, I am going to crush myself in the process." The thoughts came flying through Xazor's mind and pain swelled in her heart. Not one or two, but several tears fell from her eyes now -- streaming down her soft cheeks. The depth of her pain was echoed in her eyes as she looked at him.

"It's nothing -- it's nothing."

Xazor was lying and it was evident -- never had she been great at hiding the truth, but this was a blatent lie. She pulled her face from his hands and placed her own over her eyes, wiping the tears away with the palms of her hands. She sobbed quietly and though people turned to look now and again, she attracted no real attention.

[imported_Terran Starek]

Supremely confused and feeling himself overcome with emotion--seeing her in such a state--he did the only thing he could think to do. He reached out and took her in his arms. It was instinctive--to protect her when he thought she was in trouble. To soothe her when he thought she was upset. To care for her when she needed caring for. He held her in his arms as she sobbed very softly. He had no clue what it was about, but he didn't care. He only sought to comfort her.

"It's ok, Xazor. I know things have been rough on you lately. Being pregnant and being a Jedi Knight isn't exactly a piece of namana pie." He laughed somewhat, trying to lighten her up. He rubbed her back with his hand gently. Strange thoughts entered his head, still. She didn't squeeze him back like he expected. She remained somewhat to herself. He let the thought sink in but dismissed it. She just needed her time.

Time. . .sure. . .that's what she needs. . .time away from you. Nonsense. He had always had a doubting voice inside his head. It was like the Darkside of the Force manifested as a small voice--tempting him, trying to mislead him. He wondered where she had been spending all her time. He wondered if she had missed him. Maybe not? I mean, did she ever call you? She didn't have time. No time to leave a 10 second message? She might not have had alot of free time. Yep. Mostly because she was too busy spending it with someone else--

QUIET!

His mind screamed out as he tried to contain his emotion outwardly. He closed his eyes and pressed his chin against the top of Xazor's head.

"I know you've been busy. . .but did you ever try to--" Stop right there, he thought. She needs you to be supportive, not accusational. "Nevermind. It's nothing. I know you were busy." Still. . .something plagued his mind, and it was probably easy to see.

[Xazor Elessar]

"Try to what, Terran? Call you? I did try! I tried many times but obviously there was something wrong with the messenging system. Either that or you changed your number on me!"

She cried out, forgetting that they were in a public setting. The woman buried her head into Terran's chest and sobbed. The tears ran down her face still and they fell upon his clothing. Somehow, the Jedi Knight could not help but feel so alone -- and for the sake of love, she was doing this to herself.

"I've been utterly busy, Terran! When you become a Knight, take on the responsibilities that I hold! Six Padawans and incoming ones everyday that need to be greated and evaluated!"

She shunned him for this, though her claim was full of fallacy. The life of a student was no picnic either and she knew very well how busy and stressful it was -- she had been there -- twice. These words were merely being spoken to make the situation more realistic as she attempted to lie her way out of the web of lies that had already been constructed.

"Why can't you understand that? I'm sorry I feel distant -- I'm sorry my voice is cold but I can't take all the pressure anymore!"

[imported_Terran Starek]

"My number?? Xazor, listen to yourself! I wouldn't change my number on you!" He pulled away from her. This disucussion was not escelating into something majorly positive. "I know you're busy--I'm sorry for that. There's so much to do around here, and I know you pull a heavy load."

He turned slightly away. He felt selfish, but he wished she would spend more time with him. This was the first time he had touched her in two--no, three weeks! He didn't feel like that was right. He felt as though he was being ignored--maybe purposefully, maybe not, he didn't know. All he could tell was that this wasn't happening like it should. This wasn't right.

"Xazor. . .I have to talk to you about this. You say that nothing's wrong, yet we've not even spoken in three weeks until today!" He looked back at her. "Why would that happen? I know you are busy--you and others have made that clear to me." He paused, letting his thoughts relax. They would not.

"It's not that I distrust you, but something inside me wants to make me believe that there is some sort of purpose to our not being apart. I don't know if there is a motive to this behavior, but I feel as though I am being intentionally ignored." He stopped.

"Why. . .I don't know. . .I can't understand. . ."

[Xazor Elessar]

"Maybe because you are, Terran!" She thought to herself and more tears fell from her eyes. Indeed, this pained her heart so. She wished that she could just kiss him and tell him everything would be okay -- she loved him so deeply, but there was something about Dasquian that she could not put out of her mind. Perhaps it was that he was younger -- maybe even a tad more attractive, but she loved Terran and that love went beyond everything else. Still she could not go back on her decision again and this time, she would end up hurting him and herself.

"Then why do you have to be so damn selfish about it? I know you want to see me -- I want to see you too, but I can't fall behind in my duties! I know you'll always be around, but the things I have to get done won't! Students will leave -- prospective students will leave -- friends will get angry -- but I have the security -- at least I thought I did, that you'll always be around!"

"Too bad I won't be -- you'll have to live everyday watching me with Dasquian now. I'll act happy while secretly inside I'll be dying -- every single day." The thoughts crossed her mind once again and she attempted to quiet herself, to really focus and concentrate on the situation at hand.

"Why would I intentionally ignore you? I have no where else to go and no one to see but you and those I do business with!"

She attempted to stress this with emotion through her eyes -- but she felt as though the fascade was failing. "Of course I have others do do business with -- and at the top of the list is Dasquian!" Her mind taunted her and she shook her head, attempting to rid herself of the negativity again.

"If you trust me so much, then why are you accusing me of this? You want to get married, Terran -- but with marriage comes trust and right now I'm not feeling that from you. I -- I can't be sure anymore if it's going to work between us for that very reason. You're feeling so neglected -- well, how do you think I feel carrying this great load? I miss you just as much as you miss me!"

[imported_Terran Starek]

Terran's face grew saddened more as she spoke, verbally upseting him. This was turning into a painful argument and, though he didn't like it, it was almost as if it was necessary. He didn't want to back down. He didn't know why, but something inside of him warned him that there was more to this story that Xazor was leading on. The Force had more to show him, and he would not run from the truth.

Her words stung like hot needles piercing his skin. Everything she said sounded like doubt, and he couldn't ignore the fact that she was so hostile. She seemed almost defensive, when her words were clearly attacking.

"Xazor, I've never seen you like this." Terran's words were soft, but firm. He felt as though she was attacking him, but he knew better then to attack back. "All the stuff about doubting me. . .doubting us. . ." He smiled. It was somewhat nervous, but showed the empathy he held. "You're so stressed out, Xaz. It's gotten bad. With the pregnancy and your padawans and me--I think it's starting to take its toll on you."

"I know you don't mean those things you say," he said. Though he was doing his best to diffuse the situation, he didn't feel very confident.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor shook her head with sadness in her eyes, wishing she didn't have to do this to him. "You don't have to do this to him -- so why are you?" She questioned herself before pushing all thoughts aside.

"Of course I don't, Terran -- I never want to hurt you -- it's just -- it's a hard time for me right now."

"You're lying again!" She told herself and mentally received a slap. Sighing within, the Jedi Knight locked her eyes on Terran, keeping a tight bulwark around her mind. The tears continued to stream down her cheeks as she eyed him silently.

"Why do you love me? After all the time that has passed, why do you still love me?"

She questioned suddenly -- her eyes still upon his. It was something she had to know -- why he loved her and if indeed he was merely staying with her because he didn't want to hurt her. Perhaps it was rather forward, but she had to know. It would either ease her mind or create more pain.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"Why would you ask of such a question of me?" He replied somewhat taken back by the question. He could not understand Xazor's motives at this point, and it was slowly creeping into the back of his mind that something was wrong. He was nearly convinced that Xazor was holding information from him--what and why he didn't know. He did know, however, that she was acting extra defensive for what he viewed as no apparent reason.

"Xazor. . .I love you because of who you are. I love you because you are intelligent, funny, wise, competitive, and beautiful. I love you because we are one in the Force, Xazor!" He tried his best to answer her question, though its origin plagued his thoughts.

"Xazor, I try not to accuse you or distrust you--I try very hard too. Up until this moment, communication has never been a problem for us." He swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "But, right now, something within me. . .perhaps just a feeling--" Perhaps the Force, he secretly thought "--. . .I feel as though you are holding something back from me. I feel as though you are skirting a subject, and I don't understand why." His eyes plead with her own.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor's eyes welled up with more tears that fell in a torrent down her cheeks. Her heart ached terribly because he did love her still -- honestly and truly he loved her. She lowered her eyes as he spoke and she shook her head.

"Skirting a subject? Why do you accuse me of such things? Don't toy with my emotions, Chase!"

She rose from her seat and pushed past him, not even realizing she had called him by his true name. Her eyes searched his though she was dying inside. "This is it -- hurt him again and run away -- it's your only escape." Her conscience told her not to listen to the voices inside of her head, but she did so and turned from him.

"Please -- rethink your love for me, okay? Please ponder it and meditate on the subject."

The woman looked to the floor and then covering her face with her hands, she fled from the Bar and Grill, heart broken and afraid. "I'm sorry my love -- but it is what I must do." She thought in her mind as she ran and did not look back. Today would be the beginning of a long road. She knew, though, that she would have to be cruel to be kind.

[imported_Terran Starek]

"Please -- rethink your love for me, okay? Please ponder it and meditate on the subject."

Dumbfounded was an understatement.

The look on Terran's face could not be explained. As Xazor had pushed past him--rather firmly--he had sat in amazement. He really had no idea what else to say. She had stated her position with such cold intention that he felt tears well up in the corners of his own eyes. He tried to brush them away, but one fell onto his cheek. He promptly rubbed it off with the sleeve of his robe.

"Please -- rethink your love for me, okay? Please ponder it and meditate on the subject."

He watched her walk away. He could say something--rise and shout to her not to leave. Perhaps fall onto his knees and beg her not to leave. It would do no good, he thought. He had felt this emotion from her before. When she picked up and left like so, she had no more patience. He had no idea what could have possibly possessed her to act as such, but it didn't really matter. She was gone now.

"Please -- rethink your love for me, okay? Please ponder it and meditate on the subject."

He spent a few moments sitting at the table, trying to finish off his glass of water. It was hard to swallow as something kept building in his throat. It was like a balloon--tightening, loosening, tightening, loosening--as he breathed. It was emotion. Pain and emotion. He fought it, kept it bottled. It was not the way of the Jedi to loose control over one's emotions. He found his sleeve meeting his cheeks several times as he sat.

[I]"Please -- rethink your love for me, okay? Please ponder it and meditate on the subject."

The words rang out in his head, and he figured that it was for a reason. If that was what she wanted, that was what she would get. He was her servant--his commitment to her running deeply. He would spend time meditating if she thought it best. He would let his thoughts examine what love they shared. He didn't know why or what he was supposed to deduce, but he guessed it was the only way.

Slowly, he rose from the table and made his way to the door. He looked back to the table--three from the door and one over to the left. One of the lights above flickered--it had been burning out throughout their entire conversation. Finally, just as he turned, the bulb made a hissing sound and burnt out.

Something told him he would never forget it.