The Hollow

[Xazor Elessar]

Sorry To A Friend
Edwin McCain



Sittin' on the edge
Looking for songs in a bottle
Talking with strangers who don't know my pain
Blurry eyed and burned out
Choking on more than I can swallow
Crack in a little voice called out my name

She said ~ Whatever happened to you,
It's been two years where have you been.
And I guess all my fears were true
The words were all gone the time's been too long.
But I deserve to know what happened to my friend

Staring in her face, I see a past that still haunts me
The road where we split up is paved with the things I didn't say
We had wonderful times, but terrible timing
Now just leave her alone, I'll just be in the way

She said ~ Whatever happened to you
You took the coward's way out again
And I guess all my fears were true
The words are all gone, the time's been too long
But it's not too late to say I'm sorry to a friend
I'm sorry to a friend. Sorry to a friend

Like a stone in a stream
Life smoothes all our edges
'Til we barely make a ripple any more
But those times in my life will live with me forever
But we're not the same people that we were before

And I'm sorry for the smiles we missed and the times that I blew it
I've got so much to tell you I don't know where to start
Maybe I'll find a way maybe you'll help me do it
'Cause friends like us should not be apart
And I'm sorry to a friend
Well now I'm sorry



* * * * *


It was a long time ago -- perhaps too long in the eyes of the woman who now sat alone on a desolate planet. Atop a high cliff in the South Sector of the planet Iana she sat and allowed her eyes to take in the green rolling hills before her eyes. Streams of blue cut through the tall grasses and wound their way to the large sea several miles from where Xazor now sat.

A heavy sigh escaped the woman's lips as she looked down at the black leatherbound journal in her hands. A pen was tied to the binding so she would never be without one. Many memories were recorded in the book she kept with her and wrote in every day. The page for this particular day was left blank, though, despite that it was already noon and several things had already happened. The outcome was yet to be determined, though.

Slowly she shifted her weight as a cool breeze blew up from below and relieved her of the warmth that the sun was pounding into her. At the slightest sound from miles away she would jerk her head upright only to see nothing, though she was waiting for something or rather, someone. That someone was her blood brother, Sasha Kovalev, and it had been too long since she had last seen him -- at least, it was too long for her.

Now inside of the Jedi Knight there was a hollow, something that could not be filled by anyone else but him and she needed to see him to make sure he was alright. The woman laid back in the grass upon the cliff and set her eyes upon the sky that reflected her orb's color. White clouds danced along the expanse and she took it all in as she sun tanned her skin. Now she awaited in silence, hoping that he received the message which she sent directly to his holo-pad -- she had remembered his message number and took full advantage of it. She closed her eyes for a moment and thought of the fun they once had -- and hoped they could continue on at least in peace with one another.

[SashaKovalev]

He had never been to Iana before. And he'd had plenty of time during the flight from Balmorra to consider this. And more, to consider why he was actually making the trip.

He'd been in his room at Castle Millard - for this was where he lived at the moment - playing his music rather loudly, though he knew it wasnt exactly appreciated by his uncle. But no one had been home at the time and so it had been perfectly fine to do so.

He'd just showered and was dressing for...a day of nothing really.
As he shut off the music and reached for his wallet, he noticed the message indicator blinking on his holopad, which lay on the dresser next to it. For a moment his expression lit up, the possibility of hearing from Fel never far from his mind. It had been more than a surprise to actually find out the message was from.......Xazor.

Stunned, he'd carried the holopad to his bed, taking a seat and falling back for a moment to stare blankly at the ceiling as he considered the message. He hadnt spoken with her in what seemed to be forever. In fact, the last time he could recall was when she'd actually found anger in her and directed it at him. His uncle had arrived in time to settle the situation before one of them had made a mistake they would probably later regret.

He considered this message for some time - her request for him to meet her. His friendship with her had been dissolved some time ago by him for the simple fact that his master at the time, Lady Vader, disapproved. But now that he had set out on a different path, until Wargrave, his new master made those demands of him, he considered himself free to do as he chose. And this particular day, with nothing ahead of him but endless hours, he chose to visit an old friend.

Something within him drew him there. Perhaps it was a sense of loneliness, for it had been quite some time since he'd seen Fel, his fiancee, or Dae or Gouyen or any of the others that he considered close friends. Perhaps he just needed someone to spend a few hours with who wouldn’t judge him on his abilities, who wouldn’t question his loyalties – someone who he could just be with.

It took some time to trek from the nearest landing spot to the coordinates she had given him. He carried with him a blaster and his lightsaber, perhaps a knife or two as well. It wasn’t that he thought he would need to use them with Xazor, but rather the fact that he was on an unknown planet and had learned that it as always best to be prepared. He’d barely made it out of his last scrap when a warlock had chosen him as a test of his own mettle.

It was at the top of the cliff that he finally found her, laying back upon the grass and staring up at the clouds that passed by as he had done hours ago when he’d received her message. A small smile escaped at their similarities and he couldn’t help but recall the good times he’d had with her. Jedi or not, she had been a friend to him.

It was possible that she had sensed his arrival. He hadn’t tried to hide it, but neither had he broadcasted it. And it was possible that perhaps he felt different to her. The aura about him was a bit more settled than when she had last met with him. He was beginning to find himself and his destiny in life – and though it was only the beginning, there was a sense of peace about him – as if he had finally accepted the path that he was to walk in life.

“I heard something about needing to renew the blood vow every couple of years or so…” He commented in the space between them. He stood there for a moment, the breeze blowing about him, and his serious expression slowing giving way to the grin that had once, some time ago, rarely left his face.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor's mind brought her back to reality as she dazed off into bliss while staring at the sky. The sound of grass beneath one's feet registered in her ears, though the source was a mile off. A smile crossed her lips for she knew the planet was virtually abandoned, save for a few wandering bedoines and their heards of bantha. She continued laying there until she felt his presence. He indeed was different now -- changed, somehow. It reminded her of the way she wished to be always -- at peace. Then suddenly she sat up as the all familiar voice sang softly in her ears and she turned around, unbelieving what he just said.

"Excu -- wh -- you came!"

She said in awe, unsure of why he came or how he was able to go against his Master's rule. Her eyes widened as she slowly rose to her feet and set her journal upon the soft grass. A flush of embarassment for her stuttering washed over her features, but she got over it in a second and ran at Sasha with open arms.

"Oh how I have missed you so!"

The Knight spoke softly as she wrapped her arms around his neck, just as lovingly as she had in the past. It seemed as though no hard feelings had fallen between them -- at least not in her mind. She understood why he did what he did -- he had no choice and it made sense to her. With a giddy laugh, she continued the embrace, but pulled away just enough to look into his eyes.

"Now what's this about a blood vow? I thought -- I --"

The Garou woman paused a moment and recalled what she heard had happened to him because of the vow they made to one another. Never had she intended for such pain to be brought upon the young man she was drawn to -- she loved him as a brother and thought of him as one -- it was as simple as that. There had never been a trick or scandal involved, but being that she was a Jedi and he -- a Sith, made things utterly difficult and confusing. For that time it was better if he did not see her, but through it all, she understood and had faith that the Force would bring them together once again. Indeed, it had and nothing had made the young woman smile like she did in so long.

[SashaKovalev]

It was priceless, really, the look on her face as she turned to see him.

Excu -- wh -- you came!

His grin had only broadened at her stammering. It was clear from her surprised reaction that she had not expected that he would come. And before he knew it, she was on her feet and in his
arms.

Oh how I have missed you so!

He smiled and returned her bear hug, lifting her off her feet for a moment. Her arms were wrapped around his neck and he took in the familiarity of the moment, reveling in an old friendship rekindled. Briefly he felt years younger, as if he were back in the jungle with her. So naïve. He had been so naïve about what he was to experience in the upcoming years.

“I missed you, too.” He assured her as she pulled away just enough to look into his violet eyes. Eyes that all at once explained his sorrow for having passed these few years without her friendship.

Now what's this about a blood vow? I thought -- I –

He laughed.

“Don’t think.” He stated quietly.

“Just….be.” He didn’t want to think about the past. He had put it behind him

He pulled her back into a hug, burying his chin in her hair and releasing a deep sigh. A sigh that let go all of the hard feelings he’d ever harbored against her. A content sigh.

When they pulled away, he studied her for a moment, taking in the smile upon her face. A smile he had not seen in years.
And then he took her hand in his and led her back over to where she had been sitting before he had arrived. It was there that the two sat down, and fell back into the comfortable friendship they had once known. As if the years of silence and anger had never passed between them.

He leaned back on his elbows, staring out over the cliff.

“So what made you miss me enough?” He asked, the familiar mischievous grin on his face as he turned to her. So much had passed in the time between them – so much to catch up on. And though he knew not what had transpired in those years, he knew his friend well enough to know that her contacting him meant that there was something going on with her. Something that required a friend who would just let her be herself.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled gleefully as Sasha spoke to her. It seemed as if no time had passed between them and they picked up just where they left off. The Jedi Knight sat down in the tall grasses once again and looked over at the one she had missed so much.

"Many things, really -- a lot has to do with the fact that I've felt rather alone lately, and the only one who really understands me is -- well, is you."

She said softly, looking down at her left hand, recalling the deep scar that remained from the time when they swore themselves to one another -- to always be there for eachother and that no matter what, they would remain siblings. "Guess that plan died." She thought to herself and a sad look appeared in her eyes as she drifted off in memory.

"I have a child on the way, you know -- guess you'll be an uncle?"

The Knight questioned -- a bit daringly, she assumed -- especially since she did not know if he still held the title of her blood brother. Hope entered her heart as she sat up and flipped her left hand over to view the scar etched in her skin. "I remember that day as if it happened yesterday." She thought to herself and smiled slightly.

"What made you miss me enough to come?"

She questioned, knowing very well that there was much more behind her calling him here. So many details slipped from her mind, though, but she knew that once they caught up -- she would spill everything to him, as she always had.

[SashaKovalev]

Many things, really -- a lot has to do with the fact that I've felt rather alone lately, and the only one who really understands me is -- well, is you.

He noticed as she looked to her left hand and in the small space between them he reached out, his fingers tracing over the scar. His hand had not had time to heal before he’d been forced to remove it from his own wrist by his master, Lady Vader.

Sadness hung for a moment in the air between them as memories of difficult times were recalled.

I have a child on the way, you know -- guess you'll be an uncle?

His eyes widened at this, exposing the hint of brilliant blue that framed the violets of his eyes. His hand left tracing the pattern on hers as he sat up.

”Holy…..” He caught himself just in time, not wanting to curse in front of a…not even born baby. A broad grin crossed his features. He’d been an only child and had not grown up around little kids. He’d always wanted a younger sibling and had enjoyed playing with those of his friends.

And truth be told, he would have been more than content settling down with Fel and beginning a family. But he wasn’t sure how she felt about any of that, and respected that she perhaps wanted a career of her own to keep her occupied. And so he sacrificed, keeping these wishes to himself out of love and respect for her.

“Well, yeah, Im going to be an uncle.” He stated, as if she were crazy to have thought he wouldn’t uphold his end of the bargain. He shook his head and released a chuckle, amazing and thrilled at the prospect.

"What are you doing flying here and doing all of this hiking?!" He demanded, already the protective brother. She'd seemed to ignore this, going on with her own question in response.

What made you miss me enough to come?

His gaze flickered to the cliff edge and then back to her.

“Xaz….” He sighed.

“It’s the same thing as you, I guess. I just don’t feel like anyone understands me the way that you do.”

He reverted to leaning back on his elbows once again. There was so much to tell her and he had no idea where to begin. And so he began at the easiest point possible.

“I left the Sith Order….” He stated.

[Xazor Elessar]

“Well, yeah, Im going to be an uncle.”

This brought a smile to Xazor's face as she realized that he would keep his end of the bargain. She smiled slightly as Sasha ran his fingers over her scar -- though she felt badly for everything he had gone through. She recalled the bracelet she had given him, and she knew that too had been lost.

"What are you doing flying here and doing all of this hiking?!"

She had to laugh at this. A smile crossed the woman's lips as she looked down at the large extension of her midsection. A sigh fell heavily upon her internally, though, as she knew her time was nearing.

"I'm just doing what I love -- in case -- in case something happens to me."

The woman paused a moment but quickly pushed the negative thoughts aside and let it slip out of the discussion as Sasha began to speak of something else.

“It’s the same thing as you, I guess. I just don’t feel like anyone understands me the way that you do.”

The Garou smiled gently and nodded in understanding. Of course she knew how that felt and it made her glad that he understood and sympathized with her. What he had to say next, though, shocked her the most.

“I left the Sith Order….”

Her jaw dropped open and she looked at him with surprise. "I knew it, there was just something about him!" She thought to herself and eyed him closely. Something indeed was going on, but she had no idea what.

"You what?! You left -- the Sith Order? You left your Master, and your -- your love interest -- and your friends?"

Of course she had no idea about the relationship with Sasha and Feliciana -- the last he heard through the grapevine was that they were dating and both at TSO. She could hardly believe, though, that he would leave all of these people behind.

"Wait -- why did you leave? Where did you go?"

Full of questions was she, though the Knight knew to give him a bit of privacy. Feeling a bit badly for intruding like that, the woman withdrew slightly and sat back, allowing it all to sink it for both of them.

[SashaKovalev]

So many questions. And he had so many for her. He had not missed her comment only moments ago – about doing what she loved in case anything happened to her. He would come back to it – she wasn’t going to get away with it so easily as she thought.

“I just had to leave.” He stated rather honestly.

“I wasn’t happy there anymore. It just felt like I was living a life that wasn’t mine. That I was trying to be someone that Im not.”

He reflected for a moment.

“The good friends I had there have either passed on or have moved on. The same as my…fiancée.” A sly grin appeared on his face as he let this slip. There were few that knew – not because he wanted to keep a secret, but because it had been in their bests interests to keep it quiet.

He laughed, knowing she wouldn’t let him leave it at just that.

"And before you even try to question me any further I want to know what your comment meant a few minutes ago….about doing what I love in case something happens to you. Whats that supposed to mean?" He demanded.

Screw privacy between old friends. He wanted to know what was up – and he didn’t want her pretending about anything.

[Xazor Elessar]

"It's always best to be true to yourself."

She said softly, taking note of what he said about leaving the Sith Order. Indeed, she had felt like him many times -- and that was part of her reason for creating The Lost Jedi with Marcus. They belonged there moreso than at the Greater Jedi Order. She had always felt a bit out of place, but had attempted to ignore it. In doing so, she too was unhappy with life -- until recently. Her thoughts drifted off for a moment until Sasha questioned her about the meaning of a statement she had made.

"It's just -- well, there is a dark omen surrounding the birth of my child. I could -- I could die, Sasha. A lot of Jedi may die that day, so -- I'm enjoying life now in case it slips from me later."

She stated honestly, though she could sense the hurt he was feeling by the news and it was evident in his eyes. "Oh how those eyes of yours always deceive you, my sweet brother." She thought to herself and this brought a smile to her face after the serious moment.

"I think the Force has other plans for me, though, so I'm not going to dwell on it or anything."

The Knight sighed inwardly, though, for she knew that she would dwell on it -- often. Her attention was drawn back to one of his statements, though -- a word in particular.

"Now what's this about a fiancee?"

She questioned with a laugh. It was unbelievable how fast things had changed with him. One day he was going on about a girl he had met at a wedding -- and the next day he was engaged to a completely different girl. Xazor shook her head and smiled at him, recalling her own mistakes and past experiences.

"Hold onto her, Sasha -- and don't do anything stupid. Now -- is this someone I might know?"

The Garou questioned, knowing that she had met a good deal of Darksiders in her lifetime and thought perhaps a name may ring a bell within her mind. As she sat with him, Xazor could not help but feel a great deal of freedom, love, and all over comfort in his presence. They were together again, and the Knight knew that it was not a temporary thing. She needed him, and somehow -- she knew that he felt the same.

[SashaKovalev]

Hold onto her, Sasha -- and don't do anything stupid. Now -- is this someone I might know?

His face held a mock expression of indignation.

“Who says I’d do something stupid?!” He demanded.

“She might be the lucky one to have me ya know…” He added, his voice clearly indicating that he didn’t believe this to be the case at all. He knew how lucky he was.


”I don’t think you know her….” He began to add, then stopped. He had no idea who Fel knew and who she didn’t. He didn’t see her, spend time with her often enough to know. And clearly this bothered him, as the expression on his face had clouded over momentarily before he attempted to hide it.

But this attempt didn’t last long. Xazor knew him too well to even try. The sadness in his eyes making any attempted smile seem hollow.

“You know, I have no idea. You might very well know her, or know of her.”

He sighed, stretching out a bit.

“I don’t see her much.” He added, his voice reflective and not accusing.

“But that’s just the way things are for us right now, I guess. They’ll change…eventually.”

He shook his head, as if this would relieve the sadness he felt and switched the subject back.

“So who’s the father of my niece or nephew?” He asked, it was somewhat blunt, but coming from Sasha, who was so comfortable with Xazor, it didn’t sound so harsh at all. In fact, it carried concern.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor sighed thoughtfully as Sasha spoke of the love of his life. She could see it in his eyes -- how much he cared about her. The Knight was glad that he was happy because whatever brought joy to Sasha made her glad. "Perhaps she is the lucky one to have you." The Garou laughed to herself but soon stopped as the subject at hand took on a more serious note.

"The father of my baby?" She laughed slightly to herself as if surprised by the question, but decided he had every right to know. "Dasquian Belargic, Jedi Knight and Council Member of the Greater Jedi Order. Also -- a wonderful chef, handsome in every way, and -- he really loves me. We get along famously, ya know?" The woman laughed once again as she described the one she would eventually marry. Her thoughts went to the unborn child resting peacefully, for once, within her.

"It's going to be a little girl, Sasha. We've already chosen a name for her too." She said with a sly grin, not willing to disclose all of her information to him -- yet. He would have to earn it. "Now, if you are to be her uncle, that would make you my -- brother, would it not?" She questioned as her eyes drifted down to a small dagger upon her weapons belt. She smiled and drew it forth, eyeing the sharp crystal blade in the sunlight. "I recall a day where we made a promise to one another -- but it seems as though someone came between us and so, our paths went separate ways. We had wonderful times, but terrible timing." She said thoughtfully as the dagger was slowly twirled around by her first finger and thumb of her right hand.

"I'd be willing to -- give it another shot, but only if you are."

[SashaKovalev]

A girl. A little girl. He smiled at this, sincerely excited for her to enter this world. He wondered how welcome he would be in playing a role in the child's life with two jedi as the parents. But this he kept quiet for another time. There was too much left open between he and Xazor at the moment to even broach such a topic.

Including the fact that they were blood siblings. Sasha shook his head and chuckled.

“You really have it in for me, don’t you….” He replied, the tone of his voice joking. He’d lost his left hand by his own saber and the request of his former master, Lady Vader for doing this the last time. He wasn’t sure where Wargrave stood on such things, or his Uncle, but he had a pretty good feeling that doing such a thing wasn’t exactly healthy for him. Though he doubted either man would make him remove a limb for it. Rather, he was pretty sure the price would be something else.

He reached for the dagger, taking it from her and stabbing it into the dirt between them.

“Xazor, I don’t need blood vows to complete my friendship with you. And worse, I don’t need it to make lies of the things Ive promised...” He added, referring to the results of the last time they’d tried this.

“I trust in you without a blood vow.” He looked away for a moment and then back to her.

“Do you think our blood mingles any less now because I removed my hand?” He asked.

Alexander Millard had matured over the years and it showed in the way that he questioned things before jumping headlong into them. It had taken time, but he had finally learned patience and with patience came the ability to think before he reacted. Perhaps a factor of the movement from Sith to Dark Jedi. More patience. Less anger.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor's eyes fell to the ground as the dagger was planted beside her gaze. With her cyan blue orbs fell her heart, even as Sasha spoke. Suddenly something touched her, though, the things he was saying seemed to stick within her mind.

"I wish you would not have had to suffer on my behalf. What you just said now makes me feel like your sister more than a slice through my hand ever could." She smiled slightly but knew in her mind that a blood vow was customary to her people. That was the thing, though -- her people, not his. She sighed inwardly for a moment before nodding in resolve. "I understand -- you wish not to suffer again nor do you want to hurt our friendship by having to lie about it either."

The Knight paused for a brief moment and allowed her eyes to shift upward, to take in everything that he was, that he had become. Smiling still, the woman nodded once again and looked to the dagger in the ground. "Perhaps someday I shall witness the miracle of the darkness and light existing in harmony, in the open, I mean. Why cannot everyone be like us, Sasha? Why can't we all just co-exist?" Still to this day, as experienced as she was, Xazor Elessar could not understand this. Leaning against Sasha, she exhaled deeply once again. "Oh how I missed you."

[SashaKovalev]

“Xaz, its not my suffering I care about.” He stated as she leaned against him.

“Its that I don’t want to make promises I cant keep. My life is….” He glanced away and then back to her.

He shook his head.

“Its not at a point where all of my decisions are exclusively my own. One day, when they are….”

His arms surrounded her, hugging her. He had missed this friendship and was looking forward to picking up where they had left off – back when things had been good between them.

“We’ll talk about this again.” He added with a grin. He picked up her dagger, wiping the dirt off on his pants before handing it back to her.

“So where are you living these days, anyway?” He asked, wanting to know everything about her, down to the very smallest and trivial of moments in her typical day.