Zero: The Life Fantastic

[Agden Ithrin]

My reflection, dirty mirror
There's no connection to myself
I'm your lover, I'm your zero
I'm the face in your dreams of glass
So save your prayers
For when you're really gonna need 'em
Throw out your cares and fly
Wanna go for a ride?

She's the one for me
She's all I really need
Cause she's the one for me
Emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
And cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
Bull<smallfont color={hovercolor}>-Censored-</smallfont> fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down
You blame yourself, for what you can't ignore
You blame yourself for wanting more
She's the one for me
She's all I really need
She's the one for me
She's my one and only

-- The Smashing Pumpkins, ‘Zero’

***

A wisp of emerald smoke passed into the air from the mans pursed lips, as he exhaled a stream of sweet smoke. The scent mingled and mixed with the others in the room, as opiate and all other manners of narcotics were injected, inhaled and ingested. A few coughs broke the silence, following which a series of groans and delighted moans were heard as the addicts quelled their cravings with hit after hit of their precious stash.

“This is… so good,” choked one voice, as a hand slapped him on the back to clear his throat.

“I told you it would ease the pain, man, didn’t I? I told you,” droned another, his speech interrupted on occasion by his own intoxicated chuckles.

Somewhere off in the corner of the room, another man sat, though seemed far less cordially than the others. He was hunched over a table, with a thin zip-lock packet in his hands. His pale fingertips trembled as he wheezed and hacked, his white eyes gazing longingly at what he was holding.

“Just 12000 credits,” a voice intoned. Unlike the others, this did not sound as though it was influenced by some form of drug, and even had an air of authority to it.

The man with the bag nodded, gritting sharp teeth together as he winced at the thought of the price – and the pain currently in his mind. There was no option to whether or not he was buying it, he had to. It was either that or life with a constant mind-numbing pain and ever-present thought of his own nearing demise.

“Y-yeah,” he stuttered, “I’ll take it. I just need a bit of time to find the cash.”

There was an amiably, yet forceful, nod from the serious man, who steeped his fingertips together and gave a rather impish smile.

“As always, a pleasure doing business with you Mr Ithrin.”

***

The Living Quarters were more accommodating than the Zabrak had expected them to be. The rooms had been decorated with a lax attitude in mind, extremely Spartan and free of any real luxury. Agden settled down onto his cot bed and sighed gruffly to himself, placing his bag of belongings down at his feet. The small packet he had purchased early he placed on his bed side, and slowly lay back against his pillow.

He retrieved a portable music device from his belongings and put on the head phones, causing a stream of high-powered symphonies to drum into his head. Partially relaxed, he extracted a tiny flake of brown from his package and put it on the edge of his tongue, causing an almost immediate slip into giddiness…

[Xazor Elessar]

It was a quiet evening -- all around no noise broke, not even the wind was whispering her quiet song. Not all was perfect though, for a disturbance ran through the Force and touched the mind of one Jedi Knight -- Xazor Dawnstrider. Clad in flowing black robes, the young woman made her way through the halls of the Jedi Living Quarters with hood drawn and shadows enveloping her face.

Quiet footsteps led her to pass by the beautiful fountain of two angels with palms upright and water flowing from their hands. She glanced quickly at the statue and acknowledged the work with a simply nod, unlike times before when she would stop to admire its beauty. A quiet sigh fell from her coral lips as the oceanic orbs of her cyan eyes came to rest upon a door not far from where her first room had been.

She approached it and placed a hand upon the nob for a moment, hesitant in her actions. Something was wrong behind this door -- a troubled mind rested there and she sought to speak to its owner on something they had discussed just days before. Her hand balled into a fist and slowly, three times, it met the door with a light rapping sound.

"Agden? It's Xazor -- may I come in, please?"

The Knight's gentle voice made its way through the door in into the room, but he was occupied with music and -- other things. A few more knocks came before she sighed to herself.

"Agden? Are you home?"

Of course she knew the answer to be 'yes' as she sent the message through the Force and it softly entered his mind. Crossing her arms over her chest, Xazor stood back away from the door in waiting -- deciding she would remain there no matter how long it took for him to realize his Master sought to speak with him.

[Agden Ithrin]

By the time Xazor arrived the hypnocane had taken its effect on the Jedi learner. His pupils had swelled so that almost all of the pale blue of his iris was eclipsed by his pupil. A grin, a rare thing for Agden, was resting on his lips as his head softly bobbed to the music he was listening to. Or, rather, had been listening to. Now the player had stopped, but in his head the tune kept in going, interrupted only by a knocking at his door.

Panic struck him, and his throat convulsed, causing immediate nausea to wash over him. Though soothing to him, the drug also caused him to become extremely paranoid and exaggerated every single sense and action surrounding him. He stumbled to his feet, dropping the disc man as he pushed the open bag of ‘cane under his pillow, spilling half of the contents onto the carpet as he did so.

“Hyucoming,” he coughed as he swallowed down the leaf of cane completely. That was a bad move, and he even knew this in his in his inebriated state. It would speed up the affects of the drug, causing them not only to hit harder and faster, but to end sooner.

“Whuh?”

The door slid open partially, to reveal Agden in profile view, his head lowered so that the effects of the sedative on his eyes were not visible.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor placed a hand on the door as it opened slightly and she peered in at her student. 'Something is not right -- what is going on?' she thought to herself but brushed the strange feeling off before moving into the doorway slightly.

"Is everything -- okay? I came by just to talk -- if it's a bad time, I apologize, but it is rather imp --"

She paused a moment and noticed how Agden would not make eye contact with her. Perhaps she was a bit more observant today, but something kept telling her that he was hiding something from her -- something deep and dark. Taking another step inside, she shut the door behind her and then turned to face her student again.

"Are you having a good day? Have you met anyone new at the Order?"

The Knight began with a question to lighten the tense mood she felt engulf the room the moment she stepped foot near his door. Her hands clasped together at her weapons belt as she kept her eyes upon his face -- watching -- wondering.

[Agden Ithrin]

“Everything issss great,” Agden nodded as he flopped sideways against the doorway, causing a fairly loud thud.

One hand lifted and he curled his dark nails around the doors edge, peeking out at Xazor still.

“I met this woman… just a few minutes ago...”

The learner hiccupped and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment.

“Uh, yeah, a few minutes… she looked kind of like you, verrrry blonde,” he coughed.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor listened as Agden spoke -- broken were his words and lacking in sense. She shook her head for a moment and sighed, keeping her eyes locked on his face.

"No one has been down this hall in the last half hour -- I walk these halls during the eve and at night and I've seen no one. Is something wrong?"

She questioned -- beginning to suspect that he was keeping something from her that she was just about to find out. Her eyes managed to catch a glimpse of his own for a moment and they told her the entire story. A hard lump formed at the back of her throat as she looked down at the floor -- shocked by what she thought was going on. Keeping silent, she kept the thoughts to herself -- waiting for him to say something -- anything.

[Agden Ithrin]

“Naaah, you can come in if you want,” hiccupped Agden as he let the door slide fully open.

The floor was sprinkled with the hypnocane, which Ithrin only noticed when he turned to allow Xazor to enter. Instantly, he dropped to his knees and began scraping at the tiny pieces in a desperate attempt to pick them up. A trail of disjointed muttered sentences could be heard coming from his lips.

“Nonononot good awww man this is frelling I’m so screwed.”

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor moved a few paces into the room and then her eyes went to the floor where pieces of something quite familiar to her came into view. A depressed sigh echoed within her as she watched his sad attempt in cleaning up the evidence of a crime she was all too familiar with.

"Why have you been hiding this from me?"

She looked at her Padawan, thinking of how their relationship was supposed to be open from the beginning. He not only lied to her with his words but also in his silence.

"This path you've chosen by relying on drugs is a dangerous one, Agden!"

Her voice held a bit of desparity now as she listened to him mumble broken sentences and cough. Her eyes shut tightly and she clenched her fists together, feeling an old pain return to her heart and ring in the back of her mind. 'Remember those days?' she thought to herself silently.


*****

Loud laughter filled the room as a trio of men sat in a corner and passed around a bag of white powder -- something dangerous to the body and mind. They each took a hit of it through a shiny silver pipe before their eyes rolled back in their heads and they became relaxed. A dark figure clad in a black cloak passed by them and into the dark, foggy room. Others sat around in groups or alone and always in their hands was a bag -- a bottle -- a syringe or a pipe.

The dark one made her way back to a corner where a lone man sat with various packages beside him. She knelt down in front of hiim and sighed, her eyes meeting his for but a moment.

"Ah! Da Jedi returns!"

Suddenly a bit of broken laughter escaped the lips of a few around them -- the few whos drugs had not completely engulfed yet. She nodded slowly and turned to look at the others for but a moment before her eyes focused on a bag of black powder beside him.

"You want da ususal? Dust -- da best imported from da mines of Llum -- a treacherous place ta get da stuff."

She nodded slowly and reached into her cloak for a bundle of credits. The young woman was quite wealthy, mainly because of her past, so this habit was easy to afford. Her cyan eyes fell upon his face once again and he held out his hand.

"Fifty-thousand and it's all yours."

The young woman noted that the price went up and she growled slightly before handing him the amount necessary to feed her addiction. Taking the bag in her hand, Xazor inspected it before slipping it inside of her cloak.

"Thanks."

She stated simply to the gruff man who held a strange accent. He nodded with a smile and she rose to her feet and left to return to the Greater Jedi Order -- taking her secret with her, never to be told to anyone, save for one man.

There in the quiet solitude of her room, she opened the bag of black powder and smiled as it touched her skin. A handful she took and snorted it before placing a few specks on her tongue for the full effect. Leaning against the wall, she sat until the drug took hold of her, making her eyes glassy and her skin very pale. She began to sweat and then she felt the all time high. Giddiness came over the young woman and she laughed between happy spurts of coughing before completely passing out on the bed she sat upon.


*****

The memory hit her like a ton of bricks as she eyed Agden once again and then turned away, shaking her head in shame not only for him -- but for herself.

[Agden Ithrin]

It didn’t matter whether Xazor scolded Agden or not. The response she would get from him would be as over played as everything else he did when like this, and therefore not how he would have normally replied.

“I neeeeed it,” he pleaded.

He was on his knees on the floor, head resting against the cabinet by his bed. It looked as though he was about to say something else, when suddenly his eyes flitted up to the ceiling. Within a second, his body had grown limp and he had fallen out of consiousness.

[Xazor Elessar]

“I neeeeed it."

The words, so familiar to her rang in Xazor's mind as if she herself had just spoken them. A quiet sigh escaped her lips as she shook her head with gentle eyes.

"But you don't -- it's a li--"

But her words were cut short as Agden's body went limp and he collapsed to the floor in unconsciousness. The Jedi Knight's brows furrowed and she rushed over to her Padawan, falling to her knees and placing a hand upon his neck to feel for a pulse.

"Agden!?"

She called out but received no response from him. A serious expression took over the young woman as she felt his heart but quite faintly.

"What are you on?"

And then she spotted it: a zip-lock bag sticking out from beneath his pillow. Reaching over the young Zabrak, Xazor took the bag in her hand and examined the contents. She opened it and immediatly the smell met her ultra-sensitive nose.

"Hypercane? Oh no."

She tossed the bag down and grabbed hold of her student's shoulders and propped him up against the cabinet beside his bed. Her hands immediatly went to his chest and she closed her eyes, drawing upon the natural healing abilities within herself. Drawing upon her life energy and the Force, she sent deep reviving waves into the man to bring him back to consciousness.

"Come on Agden! You must pull through!"

She knew that if he had taken enough, the drug could potentially kill him -- but she did not think he would OD on purpose. Instead, she kept trying, repeating her message of hope in his mind through connection in the Force. Hopefully -- this would work.

[Agden Ithrin]

This temporary state of unconsciousness caused Agden no pain, and there were no side affects to come albeit a little nausea. Usually after he had taken a hit, it would be a few hours before he came to, and the effects of the drug would have fully worn off, leaving him sober once more. In this instance, with Xazor speeding up his return to the world of the living, the drug too was being rapidly forced to subside – what a waste.

After not long, with Xazor still shaking the Padawan on occasion, his eyes snapped open. They had returned to normal.

“…”

The Zabrak felt the small of his back pressing against the bedside cabinet. The simple fact that the Jedi Knight Dawnstrider was above him, partially frenzied, showed she had uncovered what he had been doing.

“Master…” he pushed at the hand that was holding him, trying to stand up. Agden’s eyes met the spilled hypnocane and inside he felt his heart sink.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor retracted the hand that was holding her Padawan. She lowered her eyes to the spilled contents of the bag before her eyes met his once again.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

She questioned softly, not scolding him, but simply questioning.

"I care about you and I don't want you to be throwing your life away for a high now and then!"

Her hand slowly took his and she helped him to his feet. The Garou sighed deeply within herself as she gazed upon the hyponocane once again. She shook her head for a moment -- she was upset that he was hiding this from her, but she could not blame him, she too had been in that very position once.

"Are you going to be okay?"

[Agden Ithrin]

Agden grit his teeth and sighed, though the breath sounded more like a hiss through his jaw. He frowned at himself, at his weakness, before looking up to Xazor.

“I’ll be fine,” he retorted monotonously.

“It’s just… medicinal aid…”

[Xazor Elessar]

"Medicinal aid? Bullshit! That's what I have to say to that, Padawan."

The Knight growled deeply before turning away from him in shame. Her hurt-filled eyes met the floor and she shook her head, not only in disgust at his behavior -- but of her own.

"I'm sorry --"

She said softly before taking another step away from him. The Knight wanted to turn around and wrap him in her arms, telling her student that it would be better soon -- but something in side of her -- pride -- would not allow it.

[Agden Ithrin]

Had he been the same as he was ten years ago, he would have spouted off tear-filled babble about how it was all that kept him sane. Now, however, he bottled it up inside.

“I’m sorry if I’m a disgrace, but I can’t stop it. I need it, literally, to stay sane.”

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor sighed gently and shook her head, feeling a lot of regret for her previous words.

"No -- you're not a disgrace, but this is a real problem! It's serious! You've become so dependant on this sh -- stuff, that it dictates your life!"

The Knight turned and faced her Padawan, placing both hands on his shoulders and looking right into his eyes.

"I made you a promise and I'll hold through to that -- you will become a Jedi Knight -- I cannot let this stuff take your life prematurely! You have too much to live for, Agden!"

[Agden Ithrin]

“I won’t take my life… whether I take it or not, this disease I have will kill me.”

Something that struck him at this time, as he slurred out these words he’d said so many times before, was that this woman was truly concerned for him. His parents and family had almost given up on him when he had been diagnosed, and it hadn’t helped his condition at all. In fact if anything it had only made it worse. But then this tutor of his … he could see the sincerity in her eyes.

“Thank you for your help, Master… perhaps… somehow I can … give it up.”