JonathanLB
Jan 15th, 2003, 01:21:57 AM
I need to rant and none of my friends are online and I just want to type to something somewhere so I can just type. I hope nobody minds that much but who knows maybe someone has something to say to my nonsense, which would be cool.
Well ok this is really probably a product of me getting 7.5 hours of sleep in the last two days, but only about 5 of which was at night, 2.5 more in naps, and that was literally it for 48 hours. I nearly hit the medium on I-5, no joke, just driving home after Adaptation (really good film, CMJ, you were right) at about 2 in the morning. I was not happy to be on the road at that time with class at 9:30 the next day and tons of homework. I slept for only 1.5 hours when I got home and then worked and read the rest of the night. Then had 9 hours of class today and took another nap that was very frustrating. It was one of those where I got about an hour of sleep, but I woke up with a similar feeling to being underwater for like a minute, gasping for oxygen, only I felt I was gasping for energy because it wasn't the time to get up and I just needed more sleep physically, but went to class anyway.
I was just thinking today about how depressing it is that my classes this term are, well, let me restate that before I finish. I was frustrated because I don't think I'll meet anyone in any of these classes. There aren't even many girls in 3 of my 5 classes and 1 of the remaining 2 is 220 people big, so that hardly counts and I sit with my best friend so will never meet anyone there of course. That's ok because he is my best friend and that's nice having a class there.
This all leads to my real starting point, though. I sat next to this really good looking girl in the film horror class, not exactly on purpose seriously, but because it was in the 2nd row right near the front but not too close to the front (small, 25 person class) and there are these stupid pillars preventing view from the back rows, where I saw last time, and I wanted to be able to see better this time. I only noticed after a few minutes that this girl sitting next to me was really good looking. To me, she has a perfect "real" look. I mean she isn't blonde, made up, tall, that sorta thing, she has brown hair, was wearing normal, non-revealing clothes and not looking for attention, but really beautiful.
This alone means nothing to me because I see plenty of hot girls and it would be nothing but a foot note to my day, a novelty at best. An interesting occurrence only for its rarity in me sitting next to a really good looking girl, because normally that just doesn't happen by virtue of their low numbers ;)
But it all gets worse, and better all at the same time when we start talking after a quiz that I totally bombed, ruined my night too because it was entirely my fault for being foolish and tired on it (really obvious, I was just being dumb, it was open book and I didn't even know where to look, you can't place blame anywhere else on that one). So we're talking for a bit and I really felt an instant connection with her because she apparently is very interested in film and is taking another class I hadn't even heard of and didn't know it was offered. She wants to go into film after college. How many girls do you mean like that in OREGON at a STATE university?! Let me tell you, maybe about 5 here total, or not even. In Los Angeles, this is very common and I'd think nothing of it, but it was really cool. So we talk for quite a while also in a discussion we were supposed to be having about horror and Night of the Living Dead, but we spent only part of the time on that. She introduced herself to me first, her name is Jill (Jillian I think in full by her sweatshirt, interestingly), and I introduced myself. Well I really want to get to know her better if at all possible, but I never am able to say that really. Anyway at the end of class she basically leaves immediately, I handed her my business card and told her about my review site briefly, but did not manage to talk to her at all basically, like she just was evidently as tired as I was and wanted to leave ASAP. I wanted to say something and I would have said something like, "Hey, I'd love to talk more with you about film and whatnot, if there is any time you have," but the opportunity didn't arrise.
Furthermore, I've probably given out my business card to 15 people who I told to e-mail me sometime, not one of them ever has. So I doubt she'll e-mail me. Then that has me thinking way too much, like if someone doesn't e-mail me, does that mean they are not interested in talking and therefore I should take the hint and just forget about it, or is it because they forget, or are they nervous about sending me, or I don't know. Again I am probably overanalyzing that.
That really isn't the worst part, though. Although that left me a little bit frustrated because I finally felt that once I could have had the courage to just say, "Hey, maybe we could talk again sometime soon outside of class? I'd like to hear more about your film interests," because that seems less... umm... daunting to me. I wouldn't have the courage to say, "Hey want to go out?" Haha, NO. But if you just ask someone to talk with them a bit more about a subject that interests you, then it's cool, it would be like any other conversation I have with my best friends.
Ok so I'm already thinking about all this as I'm freezing my damn <smallfont color={hovercolor}>-Censored-</smallfont> off walking back 1 mile to my stupid little apartment. I was also thinking about a lot of odd film related theories, such as my overarching view of acting as either of three categories, where one is I "buy" the character, two is I do not, and three is such a great performance that it, again (like bad acting), calls attention to the actor, which I thought was interesting and was pondering whether some roles would best be suited, then, for only good actors and not great ones, even given unlimited financial resources. But alas, that is not the point of the post. :)
Now I get to what is for me a devastating revelation or something that just shocked me entirely and then I realized the irony of it all. I got an e-mail from Ellie, an old high school friend I haven't been in touch with that much lately, because I sent her an e-mail two days ago after 3 months not hearing from her. I asked her how it was going. We used to talk daily in summer 2001 and we had some of the best conversations I have ever had online. A few were 4 hours long on AIM, constant conversation. I honestly felt like of all of the girls I've at least known somewhat, and there haven't been that many, maybe 8 to 10 who I am or was "friendly" with on a basic level, I connected most with Ellie of anyone. Smart, really good looking, and nice, which is the ultimate combination that only comes together so often.
Anyway she has been with this guy Joe for 4 years, or maybe it was more, umm... that sounds right though. Well Joe got jealous of her and I talking, because Joe got jealous of everything. Probably because Joe was an idiot and everyone on Earth is better than Joe, who is not even "Average Joe." Joe swore at Ellie, made insulting remarks, didn't compliment her much, and was really, insanely possessive to the point of him FUMING when Ellie's dad once told her that I called while she was gone, in front of Joe.
Actually, this is stupid and never really serious I suppose, but I always thought about the idea of going to OSU and hoping for Ellie to dump Joe, even though I thought that it seemed unlikely because she put up with everything from him. She kept saying, "He apoligized, so it's ok now." Well during that whole time I complimented her a lot, I talked to her about him, I gave her suggestions, sometimes subtle that she should be in a better relationship, and sometimes more obvious by just flat out saying that it seems to me he shouldn't be acting that way, but I never just said, "You should dump him," because that's rude and none of my business really. In other words, it was always my lame and unrealistic dream that maybe sometime Ellie would dump Joe and if I was good friends with her, who knows? Naive probably because of my luck, and maybe I'm just not in the same league, I mean definitely not.
So today I get home and open an e-mail from her and she says she dumped Joe two months ago and is dating some guy named Charlie now. Now I can't help but think that if I had been in better contact, I don't know, but Joe prevented that and even told her not to use e-mail because she would be "talking to other guys," like me! LOL. So that ruined that. I guess I can't blame myself or anything but I feel like somehow this is just so gay that what I wanted to happen did, but by the time it did I wasn't talking to her as much because of Joe, who prevented us from being friends. Now the irony is that I can talk with her again and we could meet for lunch or whatever, because CHARLIE (lol) isn't as possessive. Christ.
Well anyway that just has me annoyed. I have probably already said too much, but I had to rant about that because I feel very much annoyed by the whole day and I'm not sure what to take out of it all. Probably nothing, but I can't help but feel sometimes that I must be invisible. Then another part of me thinks 10 years from now I'll be in some entertainment magazine laughing about all of this when I'm an up-and-coming filmmaker, but it's now. Not ten years from now. Ultimately, that's what matters, and thus the complications.
Well ok this is really probably a product of me getting 7.5 hours of sleep in the last two days, but only about 5 of which was at night, 2.5 more in naps, and that was literally it for 48 hours. I nearly hit the medium on I-5, no joke, just driving home after Adaptation (really good film, CMJ, you were right) at about 2 in the morning. I was not happy to be on the road at that time with class at 9:30 the next day and tons of homework. I slept for only 1.5 hours when I got home and then worked and read the rest of the night. Then had 9 hours of class today and took another nap that was very frustrating. It was one of those where I got about an hour of sleep, but I woke up with a similar feeling to being underwater for like a minute, gasping for oxygen, only I felt I was gasping for energy because it wasn't the time to get up and I just needed more sleep physically, but went to class anyway.
I was just thinking today about how depressing it is that my classes this term are, well, let me restate that before I finish. I was frustrated because I don't think I'll meet anyone in any of these classes. There aren't even many girls in 3 of my 5 classes and 1 of the remaining 2 is 220 people big, so that hardly counts and I sit with my best friend so will never meet anyone there of course. That's ok because he is my best friend and that's nice having a class there.
This all leads to my real starting point, though. I sat next to this really good looking girl in the film horror class, not exactly on purpose seriously, but because it was in the 2nd row right near the front but not too close to the front (small, 25 person class) and there are these stupid pillars preventing view from the back rows, where I saw last time, and I wanted to be able to see better this time. I only noticed after a few minutes that this girl sitting next to me was really good looking. To me, she has a perfect "real" look. I mean she isn't blonde, made up, tall, that sorta thing, she has brown hair, was wearing normal, non-revealing clothes and not looking for attention, but really beautiful.
This alone means nothing to me because I see plenty of hot girls and it would be nothing but a foot note to my day, a novelty at best. An interesting occurrence only for its rarity in me sitting next to a really good looking girl, because normally that just doesn't happen by virtue of their low numbers ;)
But it all gets worse, and better all at the same time when we start talking after a quiz that I totally bombed, ruined my night too because it was entirely my fault for being foolish and tired on it (really obvious, I was just being dumb, it was open book and I didn't even know where to look, you can't place blame anywhere else on that one). So we're talking for a bit and I really felt an instant connection with her because she apparently is very interested in film and is taking another class I hadn't even heard of and didn't know it was offered. She wants to go into film after college. How many girls do you mean like that in OREGON at a STATE university?! Let me tell you, maybe about 5 here total, or not even. In Los Angeles, this is very common and I'd think nothing of it, but it was really cool. So we talk for quite a while also in a discussion we were supposed to be having about horror and Night of the Living Dead, but we spent only part of the time on that. She introduced herself to me first, her name is Jill (Jillian I think in full by her sweatshirt, interestingly), and I introduced myself. Well I really want to get to know her better if at all possible, but I never am able to say that really. Anyway at the end of class she basically leaves immediately, I handed her my business card and told her about my review site briefly, but did not manage to talk to her at all basically, like she just was evidently as tired as I was and wanted to leave ASAP. I wanted to say something and I would have said something like, "Hey, I'd love to talk more with you about film and whatnot, if there is any time you have," but the opportunity didn't arrise.
Furthermore, I've probably given out my business card to 15 people who I told to e-mail me sometime, not one of them ever has. So I doubt she'll e-mail me. Then that has me thinking way too much, like if someone doesn't e-mail me, does that mean they are not interested in talking and therefore I should take the hint and just forget about it, or is it because they forget, or are they nervous about sending me, or I don't know. Again I am probably overanalyzing that.
That really isn't the worst part, though. Although that left me a little bit frustrated because I finally felt that once I could have had the courage to just say, "Hey, maybe we could talk again sometime soon outside of class? I'd like to hear more about your film interests," because that seems less... umm... daunting to me. I wouldn't have the courage to say, "Hey want to go out?" Haha, NO. But if you just ask someone to talk with them a bit more about a subject that interests you, then it's cool, it would be like any other conversation I have with my best friends.
Ok so I'm already thinking about all this as I'm freezing my damn <smallfont color={hovercolor}>-Censored-</smallfont> off walking back 1 mile to my stupid little apartment. I was also thinking about a lot of odd film related theories, such as my overarching view of acting as either of three categories, where one is I "buy" the character, two is I do not, and three is such a great performance that it, again (like bad acting), calls attention to the actor, which I thought was interesting and was pondering whether some roles would best be suited, then, for only good actors and not great ones, even given unlimited financial resources. But alas, that is not the point of the post. :)
Now I get to what is for me a devastating revelation or something that just shocked me entirely and then I realized the irony of it all. I got an e-mail from Ellie, an old high school friend I haven't been in touch with that much lately, because I sent her an e-mail two days ago after 3 months not hearing from her. I asked her how it was going. We used to talk daily in summer 2001 and we had some of the best conversations I have ever had online. A few were 4 hours long on AIM, constant conversation. I honestly felt like of all of the girls I've at least known somewhat, and there haven't been that many, maybe 8 to 10 who I am or was "friendly" with on a basic level, I connected most with Ellie of anyone. Smart, really good looking, and nice, which is the ultimate combination that only comes together so often.
Anyway she has been with this guy Joe for 4 years, or maybe it was more, umm... that sounds right though. Well Joe got jealous of her and I talking, because Joe got jealous of everything. Probably because Joe was an idiot and everyone on Earth is better than Joe, who is not even "Average Joe." Joe swore at Ellie, made insulting remarks, didn't compliment her much, and was really, insanely possessive to the point of him FUMING when Ellie's dad once told her that I called while she was gone, in front of Joe.
Actually, this is stupid and never really serious I suppose, but I always thought about the idea of going to OSU and hoping for Ellie to dump Joe, even though I thought that it seemed unlikely because she put up with everything from him. She kept saying, "He apoligized, so it's ok now." Well during that whole time I complimented her a lot, I talked to her about him, I gave her suggestions, sometimes subtle that she should be in a better relationship, and sometimes more obvious by just flat out saying that it seems to me he shouldn't be acting that way, but I never just said, "You should dump him," because that's rude and none of my business really. In other words, it was always my lame and unrealistic dream that maybe sometime Ellie would dump Joe and if I was good friends with her, who knows? Naive probably because of my luck, and maybe I'm just not in the same league, I mean definitely not.
So today I get home and open an e-mail from her and she says she dumped Joe two months ago and is dating some guy named Charlie now. Now I can't help but think that if I had been in better contact, I don't know, but Joe prevented that and even told her not to use e-mail because she would be "talking to other guys," like me! LOL. So that ruined that. I guess I can't blame myself or anything but I feel like somehow this is just so gay that what I wanted to happen did, but by the time it did I wasn't talking to her as much because of Joe, who prevented us from being friends. Now the irony is that I can talk with her again and we could meet for lunch or whatever, because CHARLIE (lol) isn't as possessive. Christ.
Well anyway that just has me annoyed. I have probably already said too much, but I had to rant about that because I feel very much annoyed by the whole day and I'm not sure what to take out of it all. Probably nothing, but I can't help but feel sometimes that I must be invisible. Then another part of me thinks 10 years from now I'll be in some entertainment magazine laughing about all of this when I'm an up-and-coming filmmaker, but it's now. Not ten years from now. Ultimately, that's what matters, and thus the complications.