Alternative versions of LOTR

[Marcus Telcontar]

What you read here.... I take no responsibility for

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=138905&perpage=50&pagenumber=1

[Dae Jinn]

:lol

[Figrin D'an]

ROTFLMAO!!!!


That thread is absolutely brilliant. A few of those were completely dead-on... :lol

[Jamel Croko'yn]

Funny stuff :)

[Marcus Telcontar]

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=104732

Monty Python LOTR!

[Marcus Telcontar]

the Four Yorkshirehobbits
Merry: Very proper, isn't it? Very proper.
All: Right, all right.
Sam: Good mug of fourteen-twenty, ain't just that, sire?
Frodo: Oh, you're right there, Sam.
Pippin: Right.
Merry: Who would have thought, thirty years ago, we'd all be sitting here
drinking fourteen-twenty, eh?
All: Aye, aye.
Pippin: Them days we were glad to have the price of a bottle of Bud.
Sam: Right! A bottle of Bud Lite.
Pippin: Right!
Frodo: Without imports or microbrews!
Merry: Or whiskey!
Pippin: In a cracked stein and all.
Frodo: Oh, we never used to have a stein! We used to have to drink out of
a rolled-up newspaper!
Sam: The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp bar rag.
Merry: But you know, we were happy in those days, although we were neutral.
Pippin: /Because/ we were neutral!
Frodo: Right!
Sam: My old Gaffer used to say to me: "Meddling in the affairs of wizards
don't bring you happiness, son!"
Merry: He was right!
Pippin: Right!
Frodo: I was happier then and I had nothing! I used to live in this tiny
old dirt house running errands for crazy old Bilbo.
Pippin: House! You were lucky to live in a house! I used to live in one room,
with twenty-six other Tooks, no furniture, half the floor was missing,
and we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling,
and doing every task that came into the Thain's mind.
Merry: You were lucky to have a room! I used to have to live in a corridor!
Wondering what the Master of Buckland would make me do next.
Sam: Oh, I used to dream of living in a corridor! Would have been a palace
to me! I used to live in an old watertank on a rubbish tip. I'd wake
up every morning by having a load of rotten fish dumped all over me!
House, huh!
Frodo: Well, when I say a house, it was just a hole in the side of a hill,
with a horrible nasty color scheme, but it was a house to me!
Sam: I was evicted from my hole in the side of a hill. Had to go away
on a silly quest as punishment for a bit of eavesdropping, I did.
Merry: You were lucky to have a quest! I was in service to a king of horses!
Pippin: A king who liked horses?
Merry: Aye!
Pippin: You were lucky! I lived for three months in the palace of a lunatic!
I used to have to get up every morning, at six o'clock and stand guard
when all the enemies were outside the city, with only one breakfast,
fourteen hours a day, week in, week out, for six pence a week, and
when I got home, the Steward would blame me for his favorite son
getting himself killed and no Ring to show for it!
Sam: Luxury! I used to have to wake up in the Dead Marshes at three o'clock
in the morning, boil the brackish water, eat a handful of foul cram,
walk twenty hours a day towards Mount Doom, for two pence a month,
make a cold camp, and Gollum would wring my neck with his sneaky hands
if I so much as blinked all night, if I was lucky!
Merry: Well, of course, I had it tough! I used to have to get up in the
middle of the night hungover from drinking ent-draughts, lick the road
clean for Shadowfax with my tongue, eat half a handful of freezing
cold oats which weren't fresh enough for the horses, kill twenty-four
orcs a day for four pence every six years, and when I got home,
the Lord of the Nazgul would strike me dead from sheer terror!
Frodo: *Right!* I had to get up in the morning, at ten o'clock at night,
half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold spiderflesh,
throw Rings of Power into the Crack of Doom 'til my fingers fell off,
pay Sauron for permission to pass Barad-dur, and when I got home,
Saruman would stab me with his knife and dance about on my grave,
singing "Neither health nor long life will you have!"

(pause)

Pippin: Aaaah. And you try telling the young hobbits of today that, and
they won't believe you!
All: No, no they won't!