Unable to Fit in

[Dark Lord Dyzm]

Well, I have noticed something wrong... I am unable to fit in anywhere. I am the true loner. I feel unwanted almost everywhere I go, except to friends houses. I feel left out at College. Everyone else able to make new friends, but not me.
At church, all the friends I have there are friends from old. Even here, I find myself thinking, I am only pretending to fit in here? Am ? not really wanted?
It is not like I try to distance myself, it is some what of my personality. I am quiet most of the time, and I sit in the edges or in the back. I try to fit in by trying to be myself. But I find that is impossible. In Highschool, I made friends, never really good friends. Just friends who where bridges to the rest of the world. The only person I ever qualified as a best friend ditched me in highschool to hang out with people who where part of the in crowd. Every friend I have had sense is just more bridges. The door's to the social world. At school, I had a sense of people just shunning me half the times.

Even here, I feel like I am just barely tolerated. I feel like most of my responses in group topics are ignored. I just exist. No one really likes me, no one hates me. I could live with hate. Then at least I would have a purpose. To be hated. Then, I could hate right back. But no! I don't even get hate. I get nothing! So I can give nothing. It just keeps me from living.

I write this for one reason. I am, for lack of a better word, Surrounded. One, simple CT, one little thing ment as a joke, has snapped the illusion I have created for myself, the illusion which keeps me together. In this little CT was these words:
I'm having a hard time caring.
A joke to some? Maybe, but not to me. This struck hard, and deep. It is the story of my life. I hopped to escape the uncaring masses of my real world to here. But now that illusion has been destroyed also. For I see it was just an illusion, which I myself have created. That one, simple, CT, has finally showed me what the world has been hinting at my entire life. I am alone. And Always will be alone. For you see, everyone really just doesn't care. I feel like everyone is secretly against me. People who take pleasure in pointing out my mistakes, or insulting me.
Is it just me? Do I let loose a evil vib which makes people just want to hate me?
I don't think anyone will even bother answering this. Just another topic of mine that no one bothers or cares to read.
Those who will read it will just post something saying "O thats not true! We love you!" or "Huggles!" or some other hypocritical garbage. Maybe one or two of you will mean it, but I doubt anyone will even care. They will just post some crap seeing how it is the "right thing to do" and because the "in" people here have posted. I like to thank the person of that CT, you have just ripped the shroud from my eyes! I now see the world for what it truely is! A uncaring craphole! Yet, I care, which is why I ain't thinking suicide. I care to much for my family to put them through that. I care to much for my soul to then damn it forever. I also never want be called a Coward who took the easy way out.

[Ceres Duvall]

Actually, I know how you feel. I was the same way in highschool, and honestly didn't meet my real true friends until my senior year. My old friend ignored me, played cruel jokes on me, and tried to get me into drugs(which I didnt). They truly didn't want me there, I was just the comedic relief whenever they got bored.

When I first started RPing here I felt I was kind of pushed aside, but I ruled it out as because I was a newbie still. But even now, I still find that a lot of the threads I'm in die out as soon as I post. But then I shrug it off, mainly cuz I know that my bi-polar can make me paranoid sometimes and create feelings that are not true. I know that there are a lot of people here that really do care.

And you're right, suicide isn't the way out. As with a lot of people, I tried but I really was a chicken and never went deep enough to do any real damage. Maybe thats just a part of me saying "Maybe I really dont want to die. Maybe I really don't feel this way". Maybe you don't really feel alone. Maybe your heart decieves you as mine does. Do you usually think this way? Maybe you might have the same situation as I do with my bi-polar, it isn't uncommon. And it's nothing to be ashamed of if you think you might have the chance of having a depression disorder. If not, then maybe someone else has a bit of advice that would help you understand why you feel this way.

[Emily Rochette]

I was going to write this big long thing about how I know how you feel, and how I feel the same way, but I decided not to. Because this thread is about you. It could very well be that you're suffering from depression. It could also be social anxiety, although I'm not very well up to speed about the symptoms for that.

Anyway, we've never been close, I'm not going to say we have, but I will listen if you ever need someone to talk with. Or scream at. And I hear I make a good punching bag. So..yeah.

[Wei Wu Wei]

It's hard sometimes, Dyzm. It really is. I can understand where you are coming from, having been in similar situations for years now. You want to know what people say to me?

Remember, Jesus loves you.

It's pretty cheesy sounding, but it makes me feel a little better. A little. Jesus loves you too, man. If that is any solace to you.

[Sene Unty]

Well Dyzm I won't try to say that I feel the same way as you, because that would only minimize what you are trying to say here. I won't make this about me.....

Dyzm. I like you man. I really do. You and me had a really great conversation about the Star Wars Galaxies game that I had a good time with. I see you as a valued member of this community and I would hate to see someone as honest and funny as you leave. You really are a great guy and I hope that we can spend more time together on the forums.

~Sean

[Nemesis]

Dyzm,

I know we've never seen eye-to-eye. From the first month I came here, even up until now, I've viewed you to be nothing less than an enemy. In fact, I might have been the last person you would have expected to care; but I do.

It kills me to see anyone going through this kind of crap, even you. I'll try not to waste your time with tired old clichés and heart warming statements of sympathy. I tend to be a rather blunt person.

Everyone has set backs. Plague didn't exactly turn out the way I had hoped, but I pressed on; you can too. As for threads, they come and go. It's the people that you encounter and befriend that really matter. Even though you have never and may never see the people you meet in this wonderland of technology, does that make them any less of a friend? I know you have friends on this board, because I'm not the first one to post, and I'm sure I won't be the last.

You mentioned something about attending church, so I'll assume you have faith in God. Then you should also know the Bible is littered with examples of people who felt awkward and unloved. Job, Noah, Moses, and David just to name a few, and all these men went on to become some of the greatest figures the Christian faith has ever known.

I'm unsure of the policy at this forum on the use of scripture, but I'm also very willing to take the risk.

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

Just as it was written; He will never leave you, even when all others do.

For what it's worth, I apologize for my own contributions to your condition, but if you believe nothing of what I said; then listen to Wei. Jesus does love you.

Nate

[Sanis Prent]

You tend to annoy me sometimes, but thats because I've got a grouchy disposition, I suppose.

[Ishan Shade]

Yeah Sanis you tend to annoy me, so I know where your coming from.

As for Dyzm, all I can say is keep your head up man.

[Sanis Prent]

It's my job, and I aim to please.

[Ishan Shade]

:D

[SashaKovalev]

You know what? I never would have had any clue that you felt that way except for the fact that you expressed it, so now I do.

On these boards, since I dont know you any other way than that, it seemed to me that you were quite accepted and fit in. You seem like a pretty confident guy to me. So whether or not you feel that way inside, you dont come off on the outside as one who is doubting themself.

As for posts dying out, I dont know what to tell ya. It happens to me plenty. It happens to everyone else, Im sure, too. Some people just arent all that great about keeping a thread going. Maybe when they dont respond you could PM them with the thread to remind them.

If I recall, back when you were Sasha's master, you were the one who wasnt replying... ;)

Anyway, man, I think you should know that no one is secretly against you. And no one, at least not that I know of, is taking pleasure in pointing out your mistakes, or insulting you. It sucks that you feel that way, and I hope that with this thread, or through some other way that belief can be altered.

There are plenty of us out there who care. I guess I just always thought that you didnt, so I never made much effort. And I dont usually join in all these public discussions. For the most part I just stick to rp's. So understand that in writing this at all, its my effort to let you know that there is someone out there who does actually care, and doesnt like hearing that you're feeling the way you are. So whether this helps or not, and whether you believe it or not, you would be missed if you werent around.

Hang in there, man.

[Lady Vader]

You fit in just fine around me Dyzm. And Mini Mage too. :)

[Ceres Duvall]

Originally posted by Wei Wu Wei
Remember, Jesus loves you.


LOL Someone told me that once when I was working... I tried not to laugh in their face cuz it really does sound cheesy as all hell.

Anyways, Dyzm, if ya wanna RP, I'm here. If I don't ever have the time to post, I'm one to tell someone instead of letting them wonder what happened to me. In my book, I don't know you well enough for you to fit in with me. So maybe that should be changed, I'm sure a lot of others dont know you well enough either.

[Telan Desaria]

Anyone willing to listen to the rants of a young fool, read on.

*no offense intended*

If anyone here truly understands how you feel, I do. I was forced to resign my commission from the Army due to my social displacement. I have had few friends and few true loves. I moved to Amerika to find acceptance, and it is little in coming.

I am many things, but intolerant is not one of them. I am the gay son of a German Aristocrat, born to breed but unwilling, with an attitude of honor and chivalry seen as pretentious by many, arrogant by some, and annoying by all.

In actuality, no one really fits in anywhere, for across the vast planet of Earth there is rumored to be one other you, and no other. One person who is the amalgamation of all that you are. Not to be philosophical, but other than that one personwe shall never meet, we whall be different than any other person we shall every come across.

To fit in is hard, for it requires that one not be one's self, but rather what others want them to become. Hence the term fit. We all shred portions of ourselves in every word spoken and action taken, whether it be a tempered expression or chosen phrase.

In order to fit in, and be yourself at the same time, you must find someone whom you've never met and be completely who you are without chosing words, relaxing your demeanor, or watching your motions. Espouse your own thoughts and memories, speak your mind and do what you will. If they are willing to accept you, your faults and benefits together, than they are a true friend.



An easier route is to find people that are interested in the same things you are. That is a base for what may come. Whilst it may be an open environment for that particular thing, it may be a hotbed for other issues you have opinions on. Take thigns one step at a time. Have patiance in life, if the Hand you been Dealt allows it.

I am impatient with life for I have not that much longer to live. But you do. You have years to find friends and love. With both, you shall truly be happy,.....


And in.

Yours,

Matthias Friederich Wilhelm von Meillen
"Matt"

[Ansatsu]

Dyzm I know what you feel I was just like that. Always the nice guy that cared for everyone. You always think that one day youll get rewarded and it never happens. I always am getting walked all over. You get pushed to the edge till just wanna explode. But you always turn around and do it all over again. You always take it thinking the best. Ive turned into a nice person and I still have bad things happen to me. Its hard to move on, but you have too. Just stick it out do what you beleive is right, and you will be rewarded. Do everything. Do everything to make someone happy. It always does good for you. Another thing that I did was find a mentor. Someone you want to be like, and follow their morals and what they beleive. I dont mean be that person be yourself, and just do what you think the other would do in your situation. Just do your best and be yourself. I have seen you post, and roleplay and i like it. Just do the best you can. Another thing the person who made that ct is an <smallfont color={hovercolor}>-Censored-</smallfont>. Ignore it. You are important and you do have people that care about you. You just gotta stick it out.

You are important.

Sincerely,

Ben

[Oriadin]

A fact ive come to know as true in my life and many other people I know is that everyone is lonely. The older you get the fewer the number of people you would reguard as your friend. Its a sad truth but it is the truth. Dont mix people you go out with, have a laugh with or whatever with your friends. There is a clear difference.

If you dwell to much on something like this then its gonna get you down. Some days I wake up in the morning and I have a day where I feel like the lonlyest person in the world. Id be willing to bet that most people in the world have felt like that at some stage in thier life. The real question is how you deal with it. You either let it get to you, let it kick you down and leave you feeling sorry for yourself, or, you learn from it. Adapt. Try something new. Think about what you might be doing wrong. Perhaps you are trying to make friends with the wrong sort of people. Not everyone gets on with everyone. There may be a "main crowd" of people who you think simply dont accept you, but there will always be someone, like you, looking for someone like you, to be their friend. Its just a question of finding them. Stick at it. Dont give in, NEVER give in. At the end of the day you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Now, I would read over what ive written to make sure it all makes sensebut its 2.30am here and im litterally falling asleep in my chair. I get the feeling I began to waffle (As a frequently do!) but im sure there is something in there you can find that will help you.

Chin up eh?