Deep in a sea of loathing (Lady Vader)

[SashaKovalev]

He did not make many requests of Lady Vader. So the fact that he had made one this time meant that something was up with him. Something that required the guidance of a master, and not just any master, but the one that Sasha admired beyond suitable words to explain his dedication. He had severed his own hand from his wrist for her.

He had asked her to meet him down by the lake. Few members of the order ever went there. But he could be found there often, sitting by himself thinking, or perhaps practicing a new skill.

As he waited, he did not feel the usual tension that he felt when he knew he would be meeting with her. This meeting was long overdue, and though it would be difficult for him to tell her the things he had to tell her, he wanted to get them off his chest and would feel better once he had.

He knew that she would perhaps be angry with him. But he also knew that she did harbor some sort of fondness for him, and that perhaps she would understand the things he had done, and in turn understand what is was he needed from her.

Though he was a knight, skilled in various arts of the dark side, he was still young, and he was in need of guidance. There were some thing he was not willing to bend on, but on others…on others he was willing to do anything she asked of him. And this, he hoped to make clear to her.

He had joined the order some time ago, and with each day, his dedication to it only grew and grew. And he hoped that the order would make allowances here and there, and allow him to grow as well.

As he waited, he tossed a rock towards the water, watching as it skipped over the smooth surface.

After some time, he realized that she was there. She had been there all along, watching him. Perhaps it was a test of sorts. Perhaps it was nothing.

He turned to look at her, and for a moment, his violet eyes lit up. He was more mature than he had been when he’d first joined the order. He’d seen much since he’d been there. Learned much about himself, others, and the dark side. And then the light in his eyes fadd, for he had much to speak with her about, and it weighed heavily on his heart.

There was no question that he was meant to be a Sith. Anger was deep rooted within him, and would never release its grasp upon him. A lust for power accompanied this anger, and his competitive spirit and determination would not allow for him to be anything but the most that he could be. And the dark side seemed to be the answer.

He would never, perhaps, learn to be completely coldhearted. He was too passionate and cared too much about honor and family to lose that part of him. But he would, in time, become hardened as the dark side tightened its grasp upon him, threatening at times, to consume him. He always remained on the border of lack of control and complete loss when it came to his emotions, and he would have to learn to control these if he ever wished to be a master – if he wished to live.

For a moment, they looked to each other, some sort of understanding, perhaps, passing between them in the silence.

And then, softly, he sighed.

“I have a lot to talk to you about.” He stated quietly.

His thoughts flickered to Feliciana, to his confusion over blood family and adopted family, to a desire to understand the difference in the philosophies of the dark jedi and the sith.

“Im having a really hard time.” He admitted.

“I think I’ve strayed from the path I began, and I need your help getting back to where I should be.” Violet eyes flickered, for a moment, out to the lake, and then he looked back to Lady Vader.

He was a young adult, certainly, and anyone looking at him could see this. His master, perhaps saw more – the child he had been when he had severed his hand from his wrist for her, the adult that perhaps he would one day be. And from her, he needed some guidance.

[Lady Vader]

*LV had come up the path to the lake some time ago, and had been watching Sasha skip rocks across the lake. In the distance, she could feel more than see Shenraun watching them, for anything that went on in his garden was known to him.*

*After a moment of watching Sasha, the young man got the feeling he was indeed being watched and turned to find her leaning against a large willow near the lake's edge. Upon being spotted, she walked up to him and sat down on a rock facing the lake. She let him speak his mind first before saying anything.*

You always have a lot to talk about, Sasha. And I look forward to our chats.

And if you feel you have become lost, it is indeed time for us to talk again.

*She smiled.*

Tell me what's on your mind.

[SashaKovalev]

Despite all that concerned him, he felt a sense of relief wash over him as she took a seat on a nearby rock. He had no doubt that she could sense the swirling of emotions that crowded his mind, and he appreciated the fact that she was willing to come here to speak with him, and to listen to what was on his mind.

Her smile, as she suggested he tell her what was on his mind only convinced him further that he was doing the right thing in seeking to meet with her. He moved to sit near her, for the rock she had chosen was rather large, and quite suitable for the two of them to sit comfortably and talk.

He looked out at the lake for a moment, and sighed softly as he turned back to her.

“I’ve really been struggling lately. Not with my training,” He added in explanation, “But with my emotions.”

He looked thoughtful.

“Not that control over emotions isnt a part of training…” He added quickly, for he understood well the power that lay in emotions,. Particularly when they were used to control the dark side of the force.

He glanced back out at the water, clearly struggling for a starting point, and then back to his master. His booted feet hung over the edge of the rock and one kicked lightly, out of pent up emotions and energy against the stone surface.

“I’ve just had a lot going on, I guess. And Im not sure Im handling it all very well.” At this point, he finally just gave up and dove into his concerns.

“We havent spoken much about my life before I joined the order, and Im mentioning it now not for pity,” At this, he actually managed to grin, knowing well that if he ever wanted pity, Lady Vader wasn’t the woman to go to, “But because I need for you to understand an inner conflict that Im struggling to reconcile.”

His grin faded as he continued.

“I grew up not knowing who my father was. As far as I knew, I was pretty much just a mistake because my mother would never speak of my father. I knew little to nothing about who I was, really, or where I came from. Ive always harbored resentment against her for not telling me, and against him just for ever coming into my mother’s life. I’ve always wanted to find my father…”

He sighed softly.

“And recently, I did. Well, sort of. His ghost managed to find me, and from him I learned something of my father. And more than that, I learned of my uncle…” He knew she knew who he was speaking of, for Taylor Millard had recently visited the castle.

“I was overwhelmed by it all, I guess, and Ive always wanted to know what it was like to have a father. I just wanted to prove myself to him, and be accepted by him…”

“And when he asked me to do something for him…for our family…I did.” His face paled for a moment, and as he looked to his master, it was apparent on his face that he had been struggling with this decision for quite some time.

“What he asked me to do has little consequence in the grand scheme of things, but it was something that was against the best interests of the Order.”

Guilty violet eyes looked to Lady Vader.

“And I did it.” These words hung heavily in the air for a moment. It was no shock to Lady Vader, for she had known already of what he’d done, but Sasha did not know this. It had weighed heavily on his conscience for some time now, and this was the first indication, to him, that he was moving astray from the path he had chosen for himself.

He looked away, rubbing his forehead as he often did when something was troubling him.

“I know that the first time I made a mistake here, I was very lucky to be forgiven by you. And I don’t expect you to forgive me this time. I understand that in telling you I am perhaps writing the epilogue to the story of my life…”

“But…but that is part of why I wanted to speak with you. From the moment I made the decision I made Ive been struggling to explain to myself why I would take the chance. Why I would do it. And the simple explanation, I think, is that Im <smallfont color={hovercolor}>-Censored-</smallfont>ing confused about my life, and it was something I needed to do in order to understand who I really am, and what I really want for my life.”

“And I think the guilt and lack of sleep, and the anger I feel at myself gives me a pretty good indication that I really <smallfont color={hovercolor}>-Censored-</smallfont>ed up. That I do, more than anything, want to live my life here. That the Sith Order is where I belong.”

“I don’t know how to make amends for what Ive done. I don’t even know if you care for them to be made – if you feel Ive made my last mistake.”

He glanced down at his left hand. Few would have known it was mechanical. But he knew and Lady Vader knew.

“I learned well, the last time, what it means to say I would do anything to make up for what I’ve done.”

He looked to her once again, determination written in his expression.

“I don’t expect to go without punishment, and I will do whatever you ask of me, should I be given that choice, but know that I would not change what I did. I learned more from this mistake about myself, and about what the Order means to me than I would otherwise have learned.”

And indeed he had. Where once he had sought only approval from his uncle, he had now learned that while his uncle’s opinion was important to him, being true to himself, and who he truly was, was even more important.

[Lady Vader]

*LV remianed silent while Sasha spilled all in his mind. It was a tumble of emotions, but in the end, it made sense. Once he had finished speaking, she continued to remain silent, letting his mind collect itself before she spoke.*

Sasha... do you think I did not know of what actions you took against the Order? Did you really think I hadn't known?

*She raised an eyebrow at him, not smiling.*

I know what records it was you removed from the Order's main computer and library archives. I even know what day and at what time they were tampered with.

*The eye bleow the raised eyebrow narrowed.*

I've learned from past experience to always have guarantees and backups.

*She looked at him a moment longer before continuing.*

But I'm not going to punish you for this one. I think you've punished yourself with your doubt and conflicting emotions.

In fact...

*She looked him up and down.*

You really haven't been eating much. I expect you to get a good dinner tonight.

*She folded her arms over her chest.*

Now, about your uncle. He and I were good freinds when he was here, and he did leave on good terms. But I don't approve of the path he's taking and I certainly can't be freinds with him much longer if he takes that path fully.

And while he is your uncle, I don't approve of you being around him, but I can't tell you not to be with him as that is not my disicsion to make.

[SashaKovalev]

The silence that she left for him after he’d spoken made him slightly nervous. It was almost a relief when she began to speak. Even though he knew not what her words would be. He just wanted to hear them and to know.

He had remained silent while she explained to him that she had known all along what he had done. Perhaps a part of him had known that somehow, the order would have a way of knowing.

But I'm not going to punish you for this one. I think you've punished yourself with your doubt and conflicting emotions. In fact... You really haven't been eating much. I expect you to get a good dinner tonight

The way she had spoken and looked him over was….almost maternal. Violet eyes blinked for a moment, seeing his master in a new light. She had always been cordial to him. But during all of their time spent together, she had only once truly shown kindness to him. He could recall that instance quite vividly despite the pain he had been in at the time. It had been after he had severed his hand. After he had tossed it into the fire to burn.

Her words were on the mark and certainly true. He had been running himself ragged with guilt. But this was not the only thing that had caused his lack of sleep and appetite. He still had so much to speak with her about….

Now, about your uncle. He and I were good friends when he was here, and he did leave on good terms. But I don't approve of the path he's taking and I certainly can't be friends with him much longer if he takes that path fully.
And while he is your uncle, I don't approve of you being around him, but I can't tell you not to be with him as that is not my decision to make.

He nodded slowly at this, taking in what she told him, and understanding that though she did not like him meeting with his uncle, she would not forbid it. This was a great relief to him, and for a moment, he felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Until he was reminded of the other dark jedi in his life. Feliciana.

But first things first.

Violet eyes looked to his mentor.

“Thank you for understanding.” He stated simply, though he meant every word of it sincerely.

He paused for a moment, wondering how best to bring up his next question.

“I understand your…distaste….for the dark jedi. And I understand why, I think, you don’t want me to associate with them. But…but what if…”

His heart had been broken when Feliciana had chosen to leave the order. He elders had been concerned with his getting involved with her in the first place – but not out of concern for him – out of concern for her, and her training. It was too bad this had not been foreseen. It would have been a lot less painful for the young knight whose heart had been torn from his chest.

“Do you remember when I first told you about Feliciana and I…?” He asked, well recalling the expression on his master’s face. She had been almost pleased, it had seemed, that he had found someone within the order. But now…now she was part of the band of traitors.

“Well…it got pretty serious between us before she…..left.” He looked away out at the lake for a moment and then back to Lady Vader.

“It kind of still is. I mean…not just kind of – I mean it is still…serious”

He closed his eyes for a moment, and though it was brief, it wouldn’t have taken an expert to see the pain he tried to hide. He was more than in love with the girl. He was head over heels.

He sighed softly.

“What am I supposed to do?” He asked, his voice carrying the confusion and pain that he had kept pent up within him for some time now.

[Lady Vader]

Sasha...

*LV shook her head, sighing.*

Let me tell you a story... a part of my history.

When I was much younger and still a Knight, I fell into a deep desire for another Sith of my group. We became quite serious. But, something happened, and he left the Sith to become a Jedi. I should have seen it coming as he had been a Jedi before becoming a Sith.

But I couldn't let it drop. I went to see him the day after he had gone back to the Jedi. After that I never went to see him again. Only afterwards did I realize I had become inpregnated and I had a son with this Jedi. Alas, I lost my son to the Jedi as well.

Then the same man came back to the Sith fold only to despair and throw himself off a cliff, losing his memory. After that he reunited with the Jedi once again, and I was left with nothing.

The man's name is Anbira Hicchoru and my son's name is Jubei SaDherat Vader.

*She looked at him sternly.*

Getting involved in a mixed relationship NEVER works. You're always left with a wound that will never close.

I was lucky enough to find Lord Vader, but not everyone has luck like that.

*Her expression softened, and she spoke to her former Apprentice much like a mother would speak to a son. In essence, she regarded Sasha as a son.*

Sasha, while I can't and won't tell you what to do with your life, I urge you to reconsider seeing a Dark Jedi. Don't fall into the same mistake I did.

*She hated to plead, but she hated even more the thought of someone close to her going through the pain she had.*

[SashaKovalev]

He had known relatively little of her personal life. She kept this to herself, or perhaps shared with others that she trusted. But this was the first he had truly learned about his mentor.

Hearing the story, he could easily understand why she would harbor resentment toward the jedi. He felt that same resentment towards the dark jedi for having taken Feliciana from him.

He was silent for a moment after. Her words of mixed relationship never working out had not been lost on him, and it placed a significant weight upon his heart.

Finally, he nodded slowly.

“I’ll think about it.” He responded to her, sincerity in his words. This was not a decision he could make here and now. It was something he would have to put much thought into. He admired her, and her advice was important to him. He would not have requested for her to meet him here if it had not been.

He had heard the change in her tone as she spoke her last words to him, and his head canted slightly as he considered this.

“You’ve never really told me anything personal about you before.” He stated quietly, curiosity in the violet eyes that looked to her.

"I've always wondered..." He admitted, a faint smile coming to his lips.

[Lady Vader]

*She smiled.*

Sometimes to give an example or teach a lesson, one must give the example of a situation in their past life to aid in the teaching.

*She picked up a small stone and tossed it into the lake. It splashed, making tiny ripples, each ripple affected by the preceding ripple... much like life was, with each person affected by the previous in one form or another.*

*She gave him a side-long glance.*

And chances are, you'll be hearing more of my past to be tied into lessons.

[SashaKovalev]

He watched the stone as it fell, and then each ripple as it travelled over the smooth surface of the lake.

He felt Lady Vader's glance and turned to look at her.

"Id like to hear more." He stated.

"I know Ive been knighted, but it feels like theres still so much to learn."

He relaxed now, being able to speak more freely it seemed after he'd spoken with her of the things that concerned him.

"Everytime I travel, I wind up in a conflict with a jedi or dark jedi. And so many times, I feel as if I learn a lot, but Im lucky I got out of the situation alive..."

"I hate that feeling..." He stated, anger lilting in his voice as he spoke of this.

[Lady Vader]

*She reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder.*

And yet, life goes on.

There will indeed be times when you feel you know everything only to be shown you know nothing at all in the next moment. But through each passing minute of our lives, we learn something, whether it's conscious or otherwise.

*She squeezed his shoulder before releasing it.*

Don't be too hard on yourself, Sasha. You've come a long way.

[SashaKovalev]

Her hand on his shoulder was reassuring and he could feel the anger subside as quickly as it had risen.

He was hard on himself, this was true. But it was what, in the end, would lead to great things, if it did not first lead to his own destruction.

"I dont expect that I'll ever know everything...." He admitted, humility entering his tone as he continued to speak with her.

"Life, I think, would be pretty boring at that point. I think thats when I'd finally just give in..." He added, shaking his head and offering a small grin.

He ran a hand through his hair. It had been turned blonde from the time he'd spent outside, but slowly, as he spent more time inside lately, studying and working with his apprentices, it was beginning to return to its natural brown.

"Have you ever faced someone with two sabers before?" He asked.

[Lady Vader]

*She let out a short, light laugh at his question, pulling out her own lightsaber. It was a special saber, fashioned with the same technology Live Wire had used on her own lightsaber. Only LV's DNA transmitted through her touch onto the hilt could activate the saber.*

Aside from myself, no, not that I can recall.

*She smiled at Sasha's questioning look after her answer. To demonstrate, she held up her saber. By looking at it, one would think it was merely a double bladed lightsaber, much like the one Exar Kun had owned so many years before. She grasped both sides of the saber, one in each hand, and twisted. The saber came apart at the center to ctreate two identical sabers.*

*She gave him a side-long glance.*

Looks can be deceiving. Always go into battle expecting the unexpected.

[SashaKovalev]

He had given her a questioning look, not knowing about her that she was familiar with fighting with two sabers. He watched as she twisted her saber to split it in two. His mentor was always full of surprises.

Looks can be deceiving. Always go into battle expecting the unexpected.

He nodded in understanding.

"I've discovered that..." He replied with a faint grin.

And then an eyebrow raised as he looked to her with a questioning expression.

"Could you...use them to spar with me?" He asked. And then, his expression dropped slightly, an expression of humility crossing it.

"I faced a dark jedi the other day who used two on me, and I held my own, I guess, but I felt like I'd been lucky, rather than really prepared for it...." He admitted.

It was difficult for him to admit his weaknesses, but she was his mentor, and he needed to learn these things.

[Lady Vader]

Of course we can spar. If it's practice you need, then it's practice you'll receive.

*She frowned slightly.*

Did you by any chance catch the name of the Dark Jedi who used two sabers?

[SashaKovalev]

When she had agreed to spar with him, he had grinned. He had been about to joke with her that he wanted to live through the experience, though, that truly wasnt any sort of joke at all, when she asked him about the one who had used two sabers.

He nodded, pausing only briefly.

"His name is Silus." He answered, leaving out the fact that the dark jedi had actually stopped fighting with him and at one point even handed him a second saber so he would know what it felt like to fight with two. Or the fact that Silus had shared with him his strategy for using two sabers.

His master, he knew, would likely not be pleased with his...to some degree...consorting with the enemy.

[Lady Vader]

*His answer was short and to the point, and the fact he did not say anything else made her frown. So she pressed on.*

And did the fight go well?

[SashaKovalev]

He noticed her frown and until she asked the next question, he’d thought that perhaps she was familiar with the name.

He realized as she pressed him for information that her frown had been instead for a different reason. Wisely, she didn’t feel that she was getting the full story.

And did the fight go well?

At this question, the young knight was silent for a moment.

“I suppose the fact that Im still alive and that all limbs are intact is a sign that it did….” He began, “But I don’t know, I think I ended up being very lucky.”

His cheeks flushed slightly.

“I know that early on I made a fairly stupid decision which could have cost me my life. I let the dark side control me, rather than controlling it.” Sasha sighed softly.

“And for some reason, I guess, he decided it wasn’t worth it to kill me just then.”

He shrugged. “Just another lesson learned, I suppose. And then he drew a second saber.”

Sasha pulled his own from his belt and eyed it for a moment.

“I’d never faced that before, and I held my own just fine, I guess. But…it just didn’t feel like I knew, necessarily what I was doing. I reacted out of instinct, and my instincts were right, but I think had it gone on for some time longer, I would have found myself in trouble. That’s why I want to practice fighting someone with two sabers, to understand how to position myself better, or effective methods of using the force….”

He finally looked up from his saber to look at Lady Vader.

“I know no battle is ever the same, and they’re hardly scripted…I just want to feel more familiar with it, you know?”