Alana Stormcloud
Jun 5th, 2002, 09:29:09 AM
Here I am the second day one day removed from what I was told and I still can't believe any of it's true. A nightmare that's what I want it to be. I want to wake up and say it was all just a bad dream. Because Chad I don't know how to let you go. I don't know how to say good-bye to you. I don't want to. As I hugged my family yesterday I wanted to scream, to tell them that it wasn't true. A joke, one of the many you always used to play.
But it wasn't...
So many memories of us we had our whole childhood together and now they are just memories that I can't call you with. I can't say to you anymore, remember when we did this or that. I want that back Chad, I want you back. I think back and all I see is you and I and our other cousins together. You were such a huge part of my life. Now there is just a big hole there and no matter how many memories I put in it its always just a big hole. I can never replace what I have lost, memories can never replace you Chad. And we sat there remembering all the funny things you used to do but the laughter was hollow and the smiles weren't the same because we don't want to remember without you. Now when I look back it will always be tainted because I wont hear you laughing with me.
When I first heard, I began to remember I kept trying to remember your laugh. I always loved the way you laughed. But I couldn't. I could bring up your face for every age, I could hear you talking. I could remember how you made your voice high pitched when you called me and said Hi mama, but I just couldn't hear your laugh and it made me so angry, I wanted to call you and tell you to laugh for me one last time but I couldn't. It took me awhile and I realized had I remembered it right then it would have killed me. I can hear it now though and it to is not the same. I want to hear you laugh for me one more time.
I never wanted to lose you Chad and I never thought I would have to see you put in a cold place. How do I say good-bye to my best friend, how do I let go of such a huge piece of my heart? You never wanted to be alone and now I have to put you in such a lonely place. And I keep begging, I keep praying that this is all just some bad dream an awful joke, but I know it's not because I never cry this much in dreams. I miss you Chad. I remember the song we always sang together, seasons in the sun and I will play it for you one last time and I will sing it to you one last time but God help me I don't want to. I miss you Chad and I love you, I know you thought I was angry at you for all the drinking you did but Chad I was just afraid. and now I know why I was so afraid of what you were doing to your body. I would give anything to go back and stop this process but there's no way to is there. I love you Chad I always have and I always will. I will remember each moment we had my smile won't be as big as it used to be when I remember it with you. Instead of laughter there will be tears but I will remember Chad, each and every moment and you will be missed....
I love you but I can't say good-bye to you right now...
But it wasn't...
So many memories of us we had our whole childhood together and now they are just memories that I can't call you with. I can't say to you anymore, remember when we did this or that. I want that back Chad, I want you back. I think back and all I see is you and I and our other cousins together. You were such a huge part of my life. Now there is just a big hole there and no matter how many memories I put in it its always just a big hole. I can never replace what I have lost, memories can never replace you Chad. And we sat there remembering all the funny things you used to do but the laughter was hollow and the smiles weren't the same because we don't want to remember without you. Now when I look back it will always be tainted because I wont hear you laughing with me.
When I first heard, I began to remember I kept trying to remember your laugh. I always loved the way you laughed. But I couldn't. I could bring up your face for every age, I could hear you talking. I could remember how you made your voice high pitched when you called me and said Hi mama, but I just couldn't hear your laugh and it made me so angry, I wanted to call you and tell you to laugh for me one last time but I couldn't. It took me awhile and I realized had I remembered it right then it would have killed me. I can hear it now though and it to is not the same. I want to hear you laugh for me one more time.
I never wanted to lose you Chad and I never thought I would have to see you put in a cold place. How do I say good-bye to my best friend, how do I let go of such a huge piece of my heart? You never wanted to be alone and now I have to put you in such a lonely place. And I keep begging, I keep praying that this is all just some bad dream an awful joke, but I know it's not because I never cry this much in dreams. I miss you Chad. I remember the song we always sang together, seasons in the sun and I will play it for you one last time and I will sing it to you one last time but God help me I don't want to. I miss you Chad and I love you, I know you thought I was angry at you for all the drinking you did but Chad I was just afraid. and now I know why I was so afraid of what you were doing to your body. I would give anything to go back and stop this process but there's no way to is there. I love you Chad I always have and I always will. I will remember each moment we had my smile won't be as big as it used to be when I remember it with you. Instead of laughter there will be tears but I will remember Chad, each and every moment and you will be missed....
I love you but I can't say good-bye to you right now...