I don't want to run away ... [Xazor]

[Dasquian Belargic]

<center><u> Daniel Bedingfield – If you’re not the one</u>

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I…

***</center>

It had been weeks now, and he still didn’t feel any better. It seemed as time passed his wounds didn’t heal, but instead continued to grow more painful. Old cuts became fresh again; scabs and scars unveiled he felt all the pain of his former wife’s death as well as the rejection from Xazor. For Aaron and for the others he could put on a cheery face, but each time he saw her it made it cut at him. Convincing his mind that he didn’t want her or need her was pointless, he just couldn’t lie to himself like that. What was worse was that there was no way to stop it – she had chosen another over him, and yet he had to still be around her and watch as she and Terran glowed in all their rekindled love.

Dasquian was a bitter, bitter man.

He sat at the foot of a tree within the Order grounds, under the cover of night. His knees were pulled up to his chest while his chin rested atop them, his eyes staring off at nothing in particular. His violet eyes seemed glazed, disinterested, though perhaps on closer inspection it could be seen that tears stung at the lids.

Xazor…

[Xazor Elessar]

Nightfall brought beauty to the Order and the grounds surrouding it. Stars dotted the vevety black sky and looked like priceless diamonds that anyone could reach up and take down. The moons that circled Coruscant and nearby planets glowed just above the horizon as they began to rise and make their journey through the dark. The young Knight Xazor made her way along a path and then walked from it to enter a thick grove of trees. The warm air wrapped around her as she remembered times of walking at night with Dasquian. Terran was away at the moment and for as long as they had been together....he had yet to take her anyplace but the forests on Gais. Sighing with sadness as the memories returned, she passed by a tree with a stronger life force than the rest and it caused her to turn around. Though...when she did, she laid eyes upon.....Dasquian.

His violet eyes stared ahead and they glistened in the slightest...as if fresh tears rested, awaiting their release. Furrowing her brows, she sighed to herself and backtracked a few feet.....then sat down upon the ground and lowered her eyes. Shame, grief, sorrow, and hurt encompassed her heart. Though....between them there was not much tension....they had always been comfortable around one another. Bringing her gaze up, she met his eyes with a saddened expression upon her face. Since.....everything....had happened, they had yet to speak of the truth of things....of anything really. Her heart was still broken and no matter how much she and Terran loved one another, she knew that there would always be a hole in her heart....an empty space to be filled in her soul. Though....only one could fill those spaces and all hopes of that were dashed. She gently touched his hand with her own and gave it a light squeeze of sympathy and perhaps hope of a brighter future.

"No words I speak could ever put a smile upon your face.....and though I know the words I cannot speak to you again would bring that fire back to your eyes......"

She left it at that, unable to say another thing without her own tears forming at her eyes. Taking in a large breath of air, she exhaled and let her eyes fall once again to come to rest upon the ground.....

[Dasquian Belargic]

"No words I speak could ever put a smile upon your face.....and though I know the words I cannot speak to you again would bring that fire back to your eyes......"

The glaze had faded. His eyes were red at the edges, as though they travelled downwards and his mind willed them to stay away from her, they darted up to see the Garou Knights face. Sharply, he drew in a breath and fought back what he could feel was coming, deep in hit gut. The pit of his stomach ached as he cursed himself for being such a poor example to others through his own self-pity, but he could do no other than mourn the loss of the one he loved so dearly.

With an almost helpless desperation, he rocked forward onto his knees and virtually collapsed against Xazor, arms firmly around her as he inhaled uneven, damp breaths, head buried against her shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor closed her eyes tightly as Dasquian fell into her, wrapping his arms around her as he used to. She did the same and held him tightly, as a few of her unreleased tears decided to fall. She would allow them to this time....and they did so, coming to rest upon his clothing as the dew did upon the grasses in the morn.

"I'm sorry."

He stated flatly, and she shook her head as much as their embrace would allow. Her heart almost stopped and she sighed, then took in the dampened air around them only to exhale once again in a slow and long breath.

"Do not be sorry....it was I who acted irrationally. It is I who ruined things for you...for me......for.....us. I hurt you, no matter what you did, I hurt you the same. And for that I am sorry and I shall never be able to forgive myself...."

Her words were spoken through bitter tears that had built up inside her for many months and were finally letting go. She too buried her head in his shoulder and let them fall freely.....

[Dasquian Belargic]

For a good deal of time he lay silent against her, enjoying the closeness, hoping he wouldn’t have to break away and face the truth. After a while his mind forced him to pull back, to look down at her, though he still held her loosely.

“We are both at fault in this situation…Melamin,” he added, almost hesitantly.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you… and I know you would never have done the same intentionally…”

Fate had dealt them a bad hand, from which no good outcome could be salvage. Perhaps the future could lead to reconciliations, but for now all they had was a shambles; a friendship looking to be rekindled and trust that would need rebuilding. In his heart he wished that things could be what they once were, but he knew you couldn’t hurry things like that … thus his only chance was to wait.

[Xazor Elessar]

"Amin weera yassen lle.......A'maelamin........"

She said softly as they pulled away from one another to reveal her tear streaked face and reddened eyes. Looking away from Dasquian for a moment, she gathered her thoughts once again and nodded.

"All things happen by will of the Force......though....we do not always understand. There is so much ahead of us....A'maelamin...do not loose faith and hope."

[Dasquian Belargic]

Perhaps he was reading far too deeply into her words, but they did bring a great sense of hope to him, and without realising it he uttered beneath his breath:

“Mela en' coiamin…”

Shifting back to crouch, he smiled broadly.

“Thank you.”

With one hand he brushed away the tears from Xazor’s cheeks, before drying his own eyes, laughing quietly at himself.

“…What a terrible state I’m in.”

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor blushed slightly and looked away from Dasquian for a moment as he spoke. He could have been reading to much into her words....though.....she was torn and wished to say so many things, yet could not. I shall not break Terran's heart again....no.....I could never bring myself to do so. But Dasquian..... She thought to herself and brought her gaze back to his once again and smiled slightly as he spoke.

"Will you be okay? If you wish me to leave....."

She stopped short, seeing that he did not wish her to go. Sighing quietly as if she had no words to speak to make him feel better, she touched his face with her hand and smiled.

"You look fine to me....."

[Dasquian Belargic]

“I feel much better for speaking with you,” he said, smiling as he half-leant against her palm.

Sitting back against the tree, he took one of her hands in his, and an eager expression came over him.

“I’ve not spoken with you properly in so long… tell me, what have you been doing, crusader of the light?” Dasquian exclaimed with a grin.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled the warm smile she had not for some time as he took her hand in his own. Sighing, she shook her head and sighed to herself.

"I have been keeping quite busy....I'm training five Padawans and preparing two of them for their promotion day at the end of this week. I've been going on smaller missions with Marcus and I've also been fighting off the darkness....."

She said softly, letting her mind wander to what else she had been doing. Oh and I've also been having a great time with Terran, but secretly my heart is aching.... she thought of saying, but refrained from doing so. Sighing once again, the Knight's eyes met Dasquian's.

"I've also been trying to learn how to control my anger.....and so I have been given a series of 'rehab sessions' if you will. All by my own will though......they're helping a lot...."

[Dasquian Belargic]

“You’ve taken the Council’s advice then… that is good,” Dasquian said, with a genuine smile.

“Sounds like you have been very busy,” he then added, expression softening somewhat.

The Knight gave a coy laugh.

“For me, it’s quite the opposite.”

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor nodded gently and smiled at Dasquian. At least she was getting somewhere with her anger management.....and he applauded her for that.

"You......you have not been up to much?"

She had to laugh to herself with all that she had heard.

"You were just elected to the Council.....how could you not be busy?!"

Again the Knight laughed as she recalled how she had stepped down from the election and had voted for Dasquian. It was good to have him on the Council now....and hopefully their dream would come true of serving together someday.

".......And I see that you've been getting out too. Sorry for what I did in the Bar the other day.....I was just......having a bad day...."

Jelous is more like it Xazor.... she thought to herself than sighed to shake it off. Her eyes met his once again before she looked away to see the moons rising higher above the horizon.

[Dasquian Belargic]

“Admittedly it is a little overwhelming to be on the Council, but I do not feel stressed by it at all. Infact it’s a pleasure to take a seat amongst the others,” he replied with a broad proud smile.

“… And yes, Zeke has been trying to cheer me up, as have a few others. Quite successfully infact… though you wouldn’t think so from having seen me a few moments ago,” Dasquian added with a bit of a laugh.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled and nodded gently, though her heart still felt torn. How can he be having such a good time while I still cry myself to sleep at night....even amongst Terran's love? she thought to herself with sadness in her eyes. Pushing the thought away, she smiled once again.

"I'm glad to hear that things are looking up for you....you deserve better than what life has handed to you, Dasquian. I wish that things had gone differently for....us. I would speak to you about my life, but I do not want to bring any more sadness to our faces.....we need to.....get to know one another again. I think that is important....yes?"