Best Joke contest

[Goldeneyes]

Okay drum roll please. I suggest a joke contest. We will let it go on for a month and then the best joke will be voted by everyone that participates. So lets hear em I'm in the mood to laugh. May the best joke win.

[Zeke]

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel on his crotch. A man at the bar stares for a few minutes, unable to believe his eyes, and unable to understand why he would have such a thing happen to him. Finally, he is no longer able to control his curiosity or confusion.

"Sir, you have a wheel on your crotch! Why?"

The pirate glared and said "Aarr! It drives me nuts!"

In the event of this joke being unrated for the forums, I will edit with another one...

[Hart]

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she was a woman



Sorry, this was not meant to offend. :angel

[Oriadin]

For this one to be funny, you really do need to read every line. No matter how boring it may seem. This joke is soooo funny to tell people. Just try it....

--------------------------------

There is this Dragon that a King wishes to get rid of so he sends a knight out to go and kill this dragon. The knight goes off, kills the dragon and wonders how he will prove to the king that the beast is dead. He decides to cut off its ear as proof.

Hes on his way back to the King when he passes this shop window. In this shop window he sees a 2x2x2 box. "Wow, thats a nice 2x2x2 box, I wonder how much it is?" So the knight enters the shop and asks how much is the 2x2x2 box in the window is. "What, this 2x2x2 box?" the shopkeeper asked
"yes that 2x2x2 box".
"oh, that 2x2x2 box is £2".
"Thats a good deal for a 2x2x2 box, I think I'll take it."
So, he takes the 2x2x2 box and puts the ear inside and carries off down the road.

After walking for a while he looks in a shop window and sees a 3x3x3 box. "Wow, thats a nice 3x3x3 box, I wonder how much it is?" So the knight enters the shop and asks how much is the 3x3x3 box in the window is. "What, this 3x3x3 box?" the shopkeeper asked
"yes that 3x3x3 box".
"oh, that 3x3x3 box is £3".
"Thats a good deal for a 3x3x3 box, I think I'll take it."
So, he takes the 3x3x3 box and puts the 2x2x2 box inside and carries off down the road.

After walking for a while he looks in a shop window and sees a 4x4x4 box. "Wow, thats a nice 4x4x4 box, I wonder how much it is?" So the knight enters the shop and asks how much is the 4x4x4 box in the window is. "What, this 4x4x4 box?" the shopkeeper asked
"yes that 4x4x4 box".
"oh, that 4x4x4 box is £4".
"Thats a good deal for a 4x4x4 box, I think I'll take it."
So, he takes the 4x4x4 box and puts the 3x3x3 box inside and carries off down the road.

After walking for a while he looks in a shop window and sees a 5x5x5 box. "Wow, thats a nice 5x5x5 box, I wonder how much it is?" So the knight enters the shop and asks how much is the 5x5x5 box in the window is. "What, this 5x5x5 box?" the shopkeeper asked
"yes that 5x5x5 box".
"oh, that 5x5x5 box is £5".
"Thats a good deal for a 5x5x5 box, I think I'll take it."
So, he takes the 5x5x5 box and puts the 4x4x4 box inside and carries off down the road.

(Do this for as many times as you think you can get away with, I once got to 17x17x17 times boxes!)

Finally the knight arrives at the castle and comes before the king. The knight then hands the king the 5x5x5 box. The opens the 5x5x5 box to find a 4x4x4 box. He opens the 4x4x4 box to find a 3x3x3 box. He opens the 3x3x3 box to find a 2x2x2 box he opens the 2x2x2 box and says, "Whats this ear then?"

[Sene Unty]

I got a joke, but I don't know how appropriate it is.....I only know dirty jokes:

A guy walks into a bar and comes up to the bartender. "Hey bartender give me a beer." As the bartender goes to get the beer, the man notices a jar full of money laying on the table next to him. When the bartender returns with the beer the man asks about the jar.

"Oh that's a little bet we've got going around here. You see there's this horse in the backroom there and if you can make the horse laugh you get to keep all the money in the jar, but first you got to put five dollars in.

The man smiles as he puts his five dollars in the jar and walks over into the backroom. A second later he emerges, the horse laughing so hard in the background he's rolling on the floor. The man nods at the bar tender, finishes his beer and takes the jar as he leaves.

Two days later the man comes back to the bar, to find the jar filled once again. Stepping up to the bartender he asks:

"So do I gotta make the horse laugh again?"

"No not you man. This time you gotta make the horse cry. If you can do that, you can get the money."

Nodding the man walks to the backroom. A second later he emerges, the horse crying his eyes out in the bakground. The man grabs the money and is walking out when the bartender grabs his arm.

"Listen, you can keep the money, but I gotta know; how did you do that?"

The man looks around for a second, then leans in real close and tells him:

"The first day I told the horse my penis was bigger than his.....the next day I showed him."

I hope this isn't breaking any rules......

[Evil Hobgoblin]

Two guys walk into a bar. There's one guy already sitting at the counter and the barkeep is just serving him another one. "Is the beer here any good?" one of them asks.

"Good?" replies the other customer. "This place has an awesome light beer. THE BEST. This beer is so light, if you jump out that window, you'll float down to the street."

One fellow looks at his partner and smirks. "Prove it."

"All right, I will," says the guy at the bar. He downs the beer the barkeep has just given him, walks over to the window, jumps out, and sure enough he floats down four stories to land gently on the sidewalk.

The pair of guys are astonished. They immediately go over to the barkeep and demand two pints of the same thing he had, drink them, and then go leap out the window.

They fall -SPLAT!- onto the sidewalk.

When the first guy gets back up to the bar, the barkeep looks at him and says "You sure are a jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

[Xazor Elessar]

There was once a large cruise ship that would make its way between Canada and Greenland. Each cruise would last several days and every night there would be dinner and a magic show. The crowds loved the magic shows until the magician's parrot began catching onto the secrets of the tricks.

"It's behind his back!" he'd squawk, "It's up his sleeve!", or, "His assistant's got it!"

Well, one day the ship hit a huge iceburg and it sank, killing off many of its guests. After the waters calmed and the area had rested, two figures could be seen floating atop the water on wooden planks. Surprisingly enough it was the magician and his parrot! After staring at one another for three days, the parrot finally spoke up and said:

"Okay, I give.....where's the boat?!"


:)

[Chance]

Cleo began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to
help. One day, during recess, she noticed a girl standing by herself
on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a
game of soccer at the other.


Cleo approached and asked if she was all right.


The girl said she was.


A little while later, however, Cleo noticed the girl was in the same
spot, still by herself.


Approaching again, Cleo offered, "Would you like me to be your
friend?"


The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
suspiciously.


Feeling she was making progress, Cleo then asked, "Why are you
standing here all alone?"


"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the
goalie!"

*************

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at
night, trying to impress each other with how tough they are.


The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to
the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap,
I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the
bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100
times."


The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each
paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to
the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I
collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it
up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going
for the rest of the day."


The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I
don't have time for this bullsh**. I gotta go home and screw the
cat."

[Silus Xilarian]

A woman walks into a pet store looking for a parrot....

"Good day to you ma'am, how my i help you?" the pet store owner replies...

The lady looks at him...

"Well I was looking for a parrot, they're beautiful birds"

The lady pauses for a moment, seeing a brightly colored parrot sitting in the corner....

"Oh that one is beautiful!!! How much is it!!" the lady said...

"he's only 20 dollars, but you dont want that one", the owner replied...

The lady looked at him with a wierd look on her face, "But hes so bright and colorful, is there something wrong with him?"

The shop owner sighed "Well, i'll be perfectly honest, before i got that bird, he belonged to a woman working in a whore house, so he has a bit of a dirty mouth..."

"Well it cant be that bad, I'll take him anyways, hes so beautiful" The lady replied.....

the owner shook his head "Ok ok, i'll sell him to you, but if he says something really bad, bring him back and i'll give you a refund....."

So the lady buys the parrot and takes it home. She hangs his cage up by the doorway and begins to start tidying the house a bit before her family gets home..Upon seeing his new home the parrot squaks...

"New House, New Madame"......

The lady is a bit surprised, but ignores it, since the parrot didnt say anything too bad. A few minutes later, her kids get home from school. As the kids run in, the bird squaks...

"New House, New Madame, New Whores"

The lady almost drops the duster she is holding when she hears what the bird says, but again ignores it. after all, the bird didnt actually curse, she assured herself....A few minutes later, her husband gets home from work. As he walks in, the bird squaks....

"New House, New Madame, New Whores, Hi Bob!"

[Daiquiri Van-Derveld]

It was a beautiful but hot summer afternoon in the deep old south and a lady of quality along with her close, intimate circle of friends were sitting outside on her large, open verandah and sipping lemonade while fanning themselves.

The lady of the manor had recently come back from a vacation up north and was currently regaling her companions with the adventure.

"Did you know that up north, they have women who kiss each other on the mouths? They call those people 'lesbians'."

At this revelation, her friends began fanning themselves quickly, to ward off thier shock and the possibility of any 'vapors'.

As her friends slowly recovered, the lady revealed another shocking disclosure.

"Did you know that up north, they have men there who kiss each other on the lips? They call them 'homosexuals'."

At this new piece of information, one friend placed her hand over her forehead and almost swooned while the rest continued fanning themselves even faster.

Leaning forward conspiratorily, the lady looked around, one by one at all of her companions as she relayed her last bit of excitement.

"And, did you know that up north, they have men there who kiss women on thier private parts?!"

At this, all of the genteel ladies exclaimed "Oh, my!", fanned themselves even faster and had to sip at thier lemonades. when finally one of the friends had calmed herself, she asked of the lady...

"What do they call them?"

The lady of the plantation leans back in her seat with a smug little smile playing about her lips.

"Well, when he finished, I called him 'Precious!'"

[Goldeneyes]

A man was driving down the road when he saw a chicken. Feeling a little evil he decides to run it over. Speeding up a little he tried to catch the chicken. Faster and faster he went up to 6o miles an hour. Shocked the man watched the chicken turn down a dirt road to a farm. Curious he followed him and there he saw lots of chickens and they all had three legs. Seeing a farmer standing there he asked him "Whats the deal with all these three legged chickens?"

THe farmer "Oh, we bred em that way so we could get more chicken legs for the market.

hmmn well how do they taste the driver said. "I dont know we can't catch one of them suckers."


(If anyone tried to catch a chicken you know what he means. Slippery suckers.):crack

[Lilaena De'Ville]

A kindergarten teacher was teaching her group of five year olds about the five senses. She blindfolded them all, and cut an orange in half, letting each one take a whiff. "What does that smell like?"

The class answered, "An orange!!"

"Very good!" she said, and then had them all feel a piece of sandpaper. "What does that feel like?"

"Its rough!" The class chimed.

"Excellent!" she said. To test their taste, she gave each one a cherry lifesaver, and had them tell her what flavor it was. They got it right again, but she figured it was a little too easy.

The teacher gave the children honey flavored lifesavers, and waited a minute as they tasted, all with confused looks on their faces. "If you can't figure it out, here is a hint. This is something your mom might call your dad."

One little boy shrieked "Spit it out! Its an ***hole!"

[Kirrto McKavity]

A guy walks into a bar.

ouch.

:crack

[Wei Wu Wei]

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

[DarthDarkCloak]

A termite with dentures walks into a bar and yells "Hey, wheres the bartender"

............................................

YO mamma feet so big, her Nike shoes say Nikelodeon

............................................

YO mamma so fat, she fell in love and broke it

............................................

How do you fix a broken dishwasher?

Get her flowers and a card......

:)

[Tyreal Dalarsco]

Whats long, Hard, and full of Seamen?
A submarine.

[Oriadin]

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it man! :D

[Lilaena De'Ville]

Dear Sirs,
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all out female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked
woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.

Now, why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[Vampyre Dalamar]

A man is shipwrecked on desserted island. While walking the beach one day he finds a genie's lamp. He rubs it and there appears a large genie. The genie bows and speaks "I will grant you three wishes,but whatever I give you I have to give twice as much to your mother in law. The man starts to curse and yell I hate my mother in law! But as time went on he grew calm and made a wish. "I wish I had a mansion."

"Okay your mother in law has two mansions" the genie said. Dang said the man I can't stand it. Waiting a little longer he wished again I want a million dollars. Poof said the genie your in law has two million. @#_*&#(*&#(*%& the man said this really infuriated him. So he went by himself and thougth for a while. When he returned he smiled. Genie? Yes, master.

"I wish you to beat me HALF to death.":crack

[imported_Jack]

hmmm

[Zeke]

A pirate was chatting with a sailor in a tavern. The pirate has a pegged leg, an eyepatch, and a hook.

"Sir, if you don't mind my asking," said the sailor, "Why do you have a pegged leg?"

"Arr, Me ship was sunk, and a shark bit me leg in twain."

"Um...what about the hook then?"

"Another band of pirates boarded us, and me arm got lobbed off in the struggle."

"Wow...you've been through alot. What about the eye patch? How'd you get it?"

The pirate shifted uncomfortably, almost embarrassed.

"A seagull pooped in me eye."

The sailor stared incredulously.

"You lost your eye to seagull poop?"

"Well...it was me first day with the hook..."

[Judas Escariot]

Why the chicken crossed the road?



"Didn't have anything else better to do"

[Goldeneyes]

Is that it I thought you guys had more jokes's than that in you now come on let me have it. o_O

[Zeke]

A barkeeper is leaning against the bar when a very attractive woman sits at the bar. She catches his attention and winks at him. Clearly she wants to talk. He gathers his wits about him and approaches her.

"Can I help you ma'am?"

She takes him gently by the collar and pulls him down. "Yes...I need to talk to your manager," she says in a seductive tone. The barkeep thinks fast.

"He's not here. Maybe I can help? He'll be back soon, I can give him a message if you'd like."

The woman runs a hand down the man's face and runs her fingers over his lips. She leans in close to him and whipsers in a low, sexy voice: "Please tell your manager that there is no toilet paper or handsoap in the women's bathroom."

[BUFFJEDI]

MODS:If this is To Offensive PLEASE EDIT!!!

How did Helen keller burn the right side of her face?
She answered the Iron.How did Helen Keller burn the left side of her face?? they called back.

[BUFFJEDI]

***********Edit If to Offensive*****


How did Helen Keller break her hand??
She tried to read the Stop Sign.





Btw: I have a blind Aunt who thinks these are the funniest joke"s:huh She told them to me:huh

[BUFFJEDI]

Ok the SS.Ship sinks. There is only 4 survived on a little life raft.there's the CAPTIAN, a STARWARS fan a LOTR fan and a STAR TREK fan. They all realize that the raft will not hold all them and ONE has to go. The CAPTAIN say's Look guy's I'm the CAPTAIN and I have to steer the raft so I tell you what. I will ask each one of you a question and which ever one misses must get off the raft. They all agree.
First the Captian Asks the STARWARS fan: What was the worst ship wreck of all time? The SW fan thinks for a minute and say's The Titanic. The CAPTIAN say's very good, you stay.

The CAPTIAN than asks the LOTR fan, how many died on that ship wreck?? The LOTR fan thinks about it for a few minutes and say's, 1,564. The CAPTIAN say's good that is correct you stay.

The CAPTIAN Then turns to the STAR TREK fan and say's NAME THEM!!!

[BUFFJEDI]

****Mods if this is OVER the line EDIT!!!!!!****

Little Johnny and billy are having an arguement. Little Johnny thinks his Dad is the Toughest guy alive. Well Little billy say's See here Johnny, My Dad IS the toughest guy alive, He eats LIGHT BULBS!!!!! Johnny's little eye's grow wide with a look of awww on his face and say's REALLY??? Little Billy Stands pround and say's Yeah, as I was walking down the hall last night. I heard my Dad tell my Mom. Turn that light off, I'm going to eat that thing.

[BUFFJEDI]

Three woman are walking on a beach. As they are walking they trip over a lamp. They think about it for a minute and decide What the heck, and they rub it. Low and behold a Genie pops out. The Genie states:you three are my master's and you each get ONE wish apiece. He turns to the first woman and say's, You are my master what do you wish? The woman thinks about it for awhile and finally decides. She say's You know I'm tired of people calling me dumb, I want to be 30% smarter. The Genie looks at her In confusement and say's Are you sure. She replies yes.

Poof you are 30% smarter.


He Turns to the 2nd woman and say's You are my master what do you wish. Remember you can have ANYthing that you wish. The woman thinks about it for a bit and say's , You know she is 30% smarter so I want to be 50% smarter. The Genie looks at her' shakes his head .

Poof you are 50% smarter.


The Genie turns to the 3rd woman and say's You are my master what is your wish. The woman blurts out I want to be 100% smarter.The Genie looks at her and say's. Look here, I can give you ANYTHING you want Money, cars, fame, ANYTHING!! are you sure you do not wish for something else. The Woman looks at the Genie and say's NO I want to be 100% smarter. The Genie shakes his head.OK


POOF Your a MAN!!!!!!

[Jhony]

You are wrong for every last one of those, but man, are they hilarious! :lol

[BUFFJEDI]

Sorry:(

thank you !!!:D

[Daiquiri Van-Derveld]

A concerned mother called the preacher of her church and asked him to come over for a visit. Serving him coffee and cake, she explained why she had called him over.

"Preacher, its about my little boy, Johnny. All he does is lie. We've explained to him the difference between that and exaggerating and that he must always tell the truth but nothing has helped. Ive made him stand in the corner and his father has spanked him but he still lies all the time. Do you think you could help us, please?"

Smiling the preacher nods and as he says his goodbyes, he reassures the mother.

"I'll pray about this and try to incorporate it into my sermon on Sunday."

Feeling much better, the mother goes about her daily and weekly work, still correcting little Johnny when she catches him telling a lie.

On Sunday, the mother , the father and little Johnny are all sitting in the sanctuary along with the rest of the congregation listening to the preacher's sermon. He reads from the Bible the evils of telling lies and decides to tell a wild story of his own, just to make a point.

"Last night as I was sitting in my office here at church and was putting the finishing touches on my sermon, I heard a loud noise. I turned in my chair and what did I see walking up the aisle here but the biggest bear Ive ever laid eyes on! It was humongous! As I puzzled over why a bear would be in the church, I heard another noise and lo-and-behold there came a little dog up the aisle right behind the bear. Soon enough Im hearing the most terrible commotion! Growling and barking, the sounds of items being knocked over...it was aweful! Then suddenly.........all was quiet......and a minute later here comes that same little dog dragging that huge bear back up the aisle and that bear was as dead as a doornail! That little dog killed that great big bear! Can you all imagine that?!"

Looking over his congregation, the preacher finally lets his kindly gaze settle on little Johnny who was sitting on the edge of the pew, his eyes wide and paying rapt attention to every word. Smiling gently down at the boy, the preacher asks him:

"Now, Johnny, can you believe that?"

Little Johnny jumps to his feet.

"Oh, yessir, Preacher! That was my little dog!!"

[BUFFJEDI]

:lol



one day , jimmy joe was walking down main street when he saw his fiend Bubba driving in a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to Jimmy with a big grin on his face.

Bubba, where'd you get that there fancy truck??

Betty sue gave it to me, Bubba replied.

She GAVE it to yoooou ? I knew she was sweet on ya, but a new truck??

well Jimmy joe it's like this...me and Betty sue were driving down on county line road and in the middle of nowhere she pulls of the road, puts on the 4 wheel drive and gets deep into the woods.Well sir, she parks the truck, gets out and starts Throwing off her clothes.She looks up at me and say's : see here Bubba you can have what ever you WANT!!So I takes the truck!!

Bubba, Jimmy joe say's, Your a smart man. Them clothes would have never fit ya."

[James Prent]

:lol:lol!!!!!

[BUFFJEDI]

A man walks into a bar sits down and orders a beer. The Bartender gives him one and the man slowly pours the beer over his right hand, and than cleans up his mess.The Man asks for another beer and does the exact same thing. Well about the 5th time the Bartender ask's the man. Hey buddy it's really none of my business, your paying for the beer.your cleaning up your mess and your even tipping well. But I have to know, Why the He11 are you pouring every beer you get over your hand??The man slowly lifts his head up , with a big grin on his face and say's"OH , I'm just getting my date Drunk"

[Zeke]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "we will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest who said to her, "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine.

The Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.He told her, "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[BUFFJEDI]

:lol :lol

[Kyle Krogen]

A man is walking down the beach and finds a lamp and rubs it a genie comes out saying "I will grant you three wish's but for every wish yo make every lawyer in the world gets double" so the man makes his first wish "I wish for million bucks" he gets a million bucks and every lawyer gets two million bucks the man makes his second with "I wish for a new car" he gets a new car and every lawyer gets two cars the man makes his third wish" I always wanted to donate a kidney."

[Vampyre Dalamar]

okay everyone one more week to tell your best jokes then we will vote. So get them in while you can. :smokin

[Ansatsu]

What do aliens and smart blondes have in common?

They dont exist.

Heres one:

A man goes and tucks his son into bed. He walks downstairs and then hears his son call him. He comes upstairs and his son says, "Daddy, can I have a glass of water?" The father replied, "No you can't." So he goes back down and hears his son call him again. He comes back up and his son says, "Daddy can I have a glass of water?" The father gets agitated and says, "No! And if you ask again your gonna get a spanking!" He turns and walks downstairs. He hears the son again and goes upstairs prepared to spank him. The son looks at him as soon as he comes in, "Daddy, when you come in to spank me can you bring me a glass of water?

My favorites:

There once was a guy named Cass.
His balls were made of brass.
And in stormy weather they would clang together and lightning shoot out of his a$$!

One about me:

There once was a boy named Ben.
He ran his mouth like sin.
He ate what he pleased.
Bread, milk, butter, and cheese.
Which resulted in a multiple chin.

One more:

What is six inxhes long, has a head, and women love it?

A fifty dollar bill.

Sorry one more:

A lonely man is taking a lonely walk, on a lonely beach, on a lonely night. I don't know, maybe he was lonely. Anywho, he trips over something and turns around and finds a lamp. He rubs it and out comes a genie. "I am the great genie of the lamp, and I will grant you one wish." The man thinks for a minute, "I want a bridge from my house to haiwaii so I can drive their anytime." The genie says, "Think of something that would benefit mankind." So the man thinks and finally says, "I want their to be peace in the middle east then." The genie looks at the man and says, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

One more:

Osama Bin Laden, Ghandi, and Sadam Hussein are sitting in a boat. Osama gets up and says, "I must go make water." He gets up and goes out of the boat and walks across the water to a small island and then comes back. Sadam not wanting to be outdone stands up and says, "I must go wake water as well." He gets up and walks across the water and then walks back on the water to the boat. Ghandi can't beleive it. He stands and then says, "I must go make water as well." He goes to the edge and takes a step and then falls through the water and hits the bottom. He walks to the island completly soaked and disgraced. Osama turns to Sadam and says, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks were?"

[Telan Desaria]

A little European for you...

During the Boxer Rebellion, a troop transport sinks and three soldiers and marooned in an island. They are all lieutenants. One is French, the other Dutch, and the last German.

They have barely been ashore when they are surrounded by native tribesmen. They are cannibals. The chief moves up and declares:

" We are going to kill you, eat your meat, and use your skin to line the hulls of out boats. But you may chose how you die."

The Frenchman stands tall and says," Give me a knife."

The tribesman oblige, he slits his throat, and they do as they said.

The chieftan turns to the Dutchman.

" We are going to kill you, eat your meat, and use your skin to line the hulls of out boats. But you may chose how you die."

The Dutchman blusters. " A gun."

He shoots himself in the head, and they do as they promised.

The chieftan turns to the German, who does not even exchange eye contact. He cuts the chief off and demands a fork.

Many odd looks are exchnaged, but the chief obliges again.

The German strips off his shirt and tunic, and begins stabbbing himself all over the hcest, yelling defiantly:

" Screw you and your dammned canoe!!!!"

[Wei Wu Wei]

A woman once had a secret affair with another man while her husband and son were away from home. One day, the son comes home early, and sees his mother with the strange man. The father comes home minutes later, so the woman shoves her lover and her son in the closet.

"Sure is dark in here," said the boy.
"It sure is."
"I have a baseball."
"You sure do."
"Want to buy it? It only costs 500 dollars."
"No thank you."
"I'll tell my dad about you."

The man gives in and buys the kid's baseball for 500 dollars. The husband leaves, and the woman's lover goes home. Two days later, the woman's son and her lover are in the closet again.

"Sure is dark in here."
"It sure is."
"I have a baseball mitt."
"You sure do."
"Want to buy it? It only costs 1000 dollars."
"No thank you."
"I'll tell my dad about you."

Once again the man forks over the cash and goes home after the father leaves. The lover is not seen in the house again after that. One day the father says to the son, "Let's go play catch."

The son says, "I can't I sold my ball and mitt for 1500 dollars."
"You should not have cheated your frriends like that son," the dad says and takes the kid to the church to see the priest and apologize. T

he dad puts the boy in the confessional with the priest and the boy says, "It sure is dark in here."
The priest replies, "Now don;t start that again."

[Lilaena De'Ville]

:lol Telan your joke is hilarious!!! :lol:lol

[Eldorack]

i dont know if the vote is off or not..but this is just for laughs.

A truck driver is hauling bowling balls in the back of his big rig. He is driving at night in texas. When all of the sudden, two black men show up out of nowhere. So he decided to stop. He got out of his truck and walked over to them.

"Is there somewhere you fella's need to be." the driver says.

"Just goin' out of state. Anywhere would be fine."

"Ok...hop in the back"

the driver opens the back of the truck and the two black men sit down next to all of the bowling balls. Well, he drives for about 30 min. when he is pulled over by a cop. So he stops and sticks his head out of the window to talk.

"Is there a problem officer."

"Nope...I just want to see what you are hauling back here."

So the driver of the truck gets out of the cab and opens the door to the back. When the cop see's the two black men sitting down with all of the bowling balls, he shuts the door as fast as he can. Tells the driver to get in his truck.

"we are gonna get you out of here."

The cop gets in his police car, turns on his sirins so that people will get out of his way with the 18 wheeler behind him. The cop gets on his radio.

"Callin' all cops. Callin' all cops. I have this big rig in the back of me and i want him out of this state now."

After a few seconds another of the cops replies back to him...

"what for."

"because this guy is haulin' ni&&er eggs and two of 'em already hatched."

:lol :lol

[BUFFJEDI]

who won?????

[Sorreessa Tarrineezi]

hmm, just heard Wei's on BET last night.....

[Vampyre Dalamar]

Okay everyone lets have the vote. Pick your favorite and then we will do the tally. Let the drumroll begin.....

[Silus Xilarian]

I put in 1200 votes for silus' joke....

Oh, and from the next post on...limit to one vote per post, please :)

[Daiquiri Van-Derveld]

*tosses a burlap sack over Silus and ties it closed*

You cant vote for yourself, goofball! How uncouth! you must vote for meeeeee!! :mneh

[Kwiet Ideya]

I vote for Wei's joke about the kid and the priest.

[Wik Tayl Doon]

I like telans cannabals.. buff had a few good ones though.:|

[BUFFJEDI]

Thanks Doon:D

But I will say Wei's Priest joke was awesome:lol

[Telan Desaria]

Thank you.

[Zasz Grimm]

Kinda crude, and I am gonna get yelled at, I know it.

Why do they call PMS, PMS?

Anyone know?

Give up?

Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

[Lexius De Wilde]

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident which sends her into acoma. A few months later, she wakes up and realizes that she's no longer pregnant. Thinking the worst, she asks the doctor what happened to her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both healthy and happy." He tells her.

"Oh good! Where are they?" She asks.

"With their uncle. He already took the liberty of naming them too" He replies.

"Oh no!" She whimpers. "Not my brother, he's an idiot. What did he name the girl?"

"Denise."

"Well thats not such a bad name... And the boy?" She says.

"Denephew."

[Rognan Dar]

:lol

[Jaassuuvi Ageerrodarr]

want to hear a dirty joke.....bobby fell in the mud-want to hear a clean joke..... bobby took a bath with bubbles-want to hear a dirty joke.....bubbles was the girl next door.

[Lexius De Wilde]

One of the powerpuff girls? Jeez, they do adult things younger and younger these days.

[Zasz Grimm]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrows final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family members death. One smart <smallfont color={hovercolor}>-Censored-</smallfont>, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

[Lexius De Wilde]

LMAO!

[Silus Xilarian]

LMAO!!!!!! OMG!!!! *falls over*

I VOTE ZASZ!!!! I VOTE ZASZ!!!!!!

[Lexius De Wilde]

That sounds like something my old History teacher would say! Which is why it's even more funny! LOL

[Ishan Shade]

:lol @ Zasz

[Zasz Grimm]

Got another one for you guys.

A teacher that taught 1st grade started off the class and got to teaching them, they did show and tell and everything and the like and at the end of the class, little Billy walked up and asked..."Teacher, can I put my finger in your belly button?"

Of course the teacher said no, and sent him away, feeling odd.

However, the next day rolled by and little Billy came up at the end of class..."Teacher, can I put my finger in your belly button?"

And yet again she said no. This transpired the entire school year, and after it all at the last day of school, here comes little Billy. He askes the question, but this time the teacher hesitates. She thinks to her self...

"Would it really hurt? No, I suppose not.

So what does she do? She lifts her shirt up and the like and all of the suddon she goes...

"Uh Billy, that's not my belly button..."

The boy giggles and goes...

"That's not my finger!"

:rollin

[Ishan Shade]

:eek

:mischief

[Oriadin]

Whats the difference between snow men and snow women?
Snow balls :D

[imported_Kanji]

Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.




There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The redhead said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!"

So she swam back!


Please don't smite me :)

[Jedieb]

I can't believe I've missed this thread! I vote for Buff's ST joke. I also like Hob's Drunk Superman joke, Chance's Rat Joke, and Wei's $1,500 ball and mitt joke. I know it's late, but here's a lame joke purely for your enjoyment; (Sorry about the profanity, but it just doesn't work without it.)

A guy, we'll call him Buff, walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want a bigger penis. I'm already hung like a horse, but look at this body! I'm HUGE! I figure since I'm as big as an elephant I should have an elephant sized penis."

"Funny that you mention that Mr. Buff. We have this new technique in which we use the skin from an elephant's trunk to increase the size of a man's penis."

"Sign me up Doc!"

Buff gets the surgery and a week later is on his first date. Buff and his date, a stunningly beautiful blonde, are having dinner. Things are going well until buff's penis suddenly comes out of his pants and grabs a biscuit off the table. Buff and his date are both so stunned and embarrased that neither one says anything. A few minutes later buff's penis reaches up and grabs another biscuit. Buff's date can't control herself any longer.

"That's amazing! Can you do it again?"

Buff replies; "I think I can, but I don't know if my a.s.s. can handle another biscuit."
:)

[DarthDarkCloak]

A very large woman walks into a bar, sits on a bar stool and gets a hangover.........

[Zatania Duvall]

I have some really good jokes but they dont fit the PG13 criteria. LOL *was raised by people with filthy minds*

[Miryan no Trunks]

I don't know what's sadder o.o That not one joke has been told here that I haven't heard before, or that the majority of them were by my racist/sexist barstard of a father.

Anyways, I'm horrible at telling jokes. My humor is all circumstantial ¢®^_^

[Jedieb]

At least we were spared "dead baby jokes." Anyone remember hearing those as a kid? Man, I'd hear people tell them and I'd be completely grossed out by them.

[BUFFJEDI]

Originally posted by Jedieb
I can't believe I've missed this thread! I vote for Buff's ST joke. I also like Hob's Drunk Superman joke, Chance's Rat Joke, and Wei's $1,500 ball and mitt joke. I know it's late, but here's a lame joke purely for your enjoyment; (Sorry about the profanity, but it just doesn't work without it.)

A guy, we'll call him Buff, walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want a bigger penis. I'm already hung like a horse, but look at this body! I'm HUGE! I figure since I'm as big as an elephant I should have an elephant sized penis."

"Funny that you mention that Mr. Buff. We have this new technique in which we use the skin from an elephant's trunk to increase the size of a man's penis."

"Sign me up Doc!"

Buff gets the surgery and a week later is on his first date. Buff and his date, a stunningly beautiful blonde, are having dinner. Things are going well until buff's penis suddenly comes out of his pants and grabs a biscuit off the table. Buff and his date are both so stunned and embarrased that neither one says anything. A few minutes later buff's penis reaches up and grabs another biscuit. Buff's date can't control herself any longer.

"That's amazing! Can you do it again?"

Buff replies; "I think I can, but I don't know if my a.s.s. can handle another biscuit."
:) :lol :lol :lol



But I don't like Biscuits ;)

[Admiral Lebron]

Ya do now.

[Sean Piett]

Originally posted by Jedieb
At least we were spared "dead baby jokes." Anyone remember hearing those as a kid? Man, I'd hear people tell them and I'd be completely grossed out by them.


How many dead babies can you fit in a microwave?





Seven.

[Ansatsu]

A blonde and two brunnets are trapped on an island. One brunette turns to the other and says, "Let's race to get back. But we have to use a certain stroke." So they think for a moment and then the brunette says, "How about the breast stroke?" They all agree and jump in thew water and start swimming. Well the brunettes arive, but the blonde is nowhere to be seen. After abou three more hours the blonde finally comes up on the island. She looks at the others. She is completly exhausted and asks, "How did you guys get here so fast?" The brunette looks at her and says, "We used our arms."

:lol

[Kyle Krogen]

:lol

[Synteck]

There are three guys who all like the same girl. A white guy a black guy and a mexican. The girl sais "If you can make a sentence with the words green pink and yellow, I will go out with you." The white guy sais," I painted the house green pink and yellow." The black guy sais" Thats too boring." The Mexican sais, '' The phone went gggrrrrrrreeeeeeennnnn, gggrrrrrrreeeeeeennnnn, I pinked it up and said yellow."

Say the last sentence kinda fast and you will get it!:lol :lol

[Marcus Telcontar]

Buffster and Zasz are by far the funniest.

There's this guy and he has a really fast car. He likes to drive fast. His name is Wan'kbreak

So he's driving along and he is driving really fast. A cop spots him and pulls him over.

"You know you were speeding?" the cop asked our man.

"Was I? Oh, I was just tryign to get to work"

"What's your name, and where do you work?"

"Wan'kbreak, I work at Balls, Balls and Better Ball Bearings"

Cop thinks about this and decides to let the guy off with a caution.

Next day our man is racign to work again when another cop pulls up

"You know you were speeding?" the cop asked our man.

"Was I? Oh, I was just tryign to get to work"

"What's your name, and where do you work?"

"Wan'kbreak, I work at Balls, Balls and Better Ball Bearings"

Cop thinks about this and decides to let the guy off with a caution.

NEXT DAY....

Our man is racing to work and the two cops spot the Porrche. They give chase. However this time our man races off and leaves the cops for dead. Well, they think about this and decide they would catch him at work. So first, they call up Ball,s Balls and Better Ball Bearings.

"Hello, is this Balls, Balls and Better Ball Bearings?" Cop asks

"Yep, Sure is"

"Do you have a Wan'kbreak there?"

"A Wan'kbreak? Mate, we dont even have a coffee break!"



Ahem. Yes, well.

New Zealander jokes!

Ever heard a NZ farmer counting sheep?

"1... 2.... 3... Hello Darling.... 5 ......"



There's a rumour in NZ that farmers screw sheep. The North Islanders say "Nah, not here. Must be South Island" The South Islanders say "Who us screw sheep? Nah, must be the guys in the next valley!"



Apparently New Zealanders have discovered a new use for sheep.

Wool.

[Oriadin]

The welsh have a thing for sheep too. Aparently.

[Miryan no Trunks]

"Why do the Scots' wear kilts?

Sheep run at the sound of a zipper."

[Andrue Dimitri]

:lol !

There were two blondes that walked into a bar and sat down, ordering shots of whiskey. When the bartender served them, they raised their glasses and said, "To eight months !" Pretty soon, three more blondes walk in, sit down with the other two, order shots of whiskey, then cheer with them. In about less than ten minutes, the bar was FILLED with blondes as they ordered drinks and cheered, yelling, "To eight months !"

Well, finally the bartender got curious to the whole eight-months bit, so he asked the nearest blonde next to him what the celebration was. She replied, "Well, we all got together and did a puzzle that said 2-4 years, but we finished it in eight months !"

[Marcus Telcontar]

Why do New Zealand Horses run so fast?

They have seen what happens to the sheep



How do you get virgin wool in New Zealnd?

From ugly sheep.



There once was a priest who loved to golf. He was pretty good at it and had two nuns as an entourage who would follow him around and watch him play. One Saturday the priest was shooting a great round, when he came upon the eighth hole. He started off with a beautiful drive to down the fareway, and a nice chip to the green. When he goes to putt the ball it rolls straight for the hole, swerves, misses rolls down the hill and into the lake. The priest enraged by this flub in an otherwise perfect round takes out his sand wedge, bends it over his knee, and hurls it at a
tree. He then screams at the top of his lungs:

"GODDAMNIT, I missed!"

The two nuns are shocked and berate him saying, "You shouldn't
swear or GOD will get you."

The priest, a little abashed decides to continue his round. Amazingly, he finds that his game is improving. However when he gets to the thirteenth hole he drives a wicked slice into the water hazard, takes his penalty and winds up ont he green one under par. He putts the ball, it rolls straight for the hole swerves rolls down the hill and into a gopher hole. The priest, red with anger, takes his favorite driver and bashes it on a nearby rock screaming:

"GODDAMNIT, I missed!"

The two nuns stare at him and say, "We're warning you, curb your
swearing or GOD will get you."

The priest ignoring them continues with his game and manages to turn things around so that by the time he is at the eighteenth hole he is shooting almost as good as his personal best. He drives the ball from the tee on a par four to within two feet of the cup. If he makes his next putt he will beat the clubhouse record. He lines up his putt, swings, it rolls toward the hole, swerves, hits a rock bounces towards the lake where just before it hits the water, a fish leaps up out of the water swallows the ball and dives away. This makes the priest so furious that he takes his entire bag and hurls it into the lake, screaming after the fish:

"GODDAMNIT, I missed!"

The two nuns aghast declare, "That does it, now GOD is going to
get you."

Suddenly, dark clouds begin to gather, thunder booms, and lightning strikes the two nuns dead disintegrated. And a big booming voice shouts:

"DAMNIT, I missed!!!!!!!!!"

[Marcus Telcontar]

HEAVEN IS WHERE:

The police are British
The mechanics are German
The cooks are French
The lovers are Italian
And the whole thing is organized by the Swiss;

HELL IS WHERE:

The police are German
The cooks are British
The mechanics are French
The lovers are Swiss
And the whole thing is organized by the Italians!

[Vampyre Dalamar]

Well since there is such a huge interest in this thread and since it seems that not everyone got a chance to post there jokes. I say put the vote off for another week or two. So all you people who wanted your chance the forum is open and we will vote then. I just have one request hide this thread from Mr. Happy or no one will win he has a million of em. :smokin

P.S. this is not a joke but a true story. Some people called the cops on a man who was siphoning gas out of a mobile home using his mouth and a hose. When the owners arrived the man was puking to the side of the road and the owners where laughing and in tears. The cops asked if they wanted to press charges against the thief. The Owners replied no he has suffered enough. Laughing the whole time. The officer finnally had to ask "Oh, how so. When they told him he gladly let the man go. The foolish thief had tried to siphon gas out of the shitter. o_O :p

[Miryan no Trunks]

Lol, yeah, I remember hearing that ^_^

[imported_Grev Drasen]

What is twelve inches long and keeps a woman screaming all night long?

Crib death.

[Destiny Stormrider]

A sign over the men's toilet at the bar reads:

"We aim to please - you aim too please."

:D

[Zasz Grimm]

(thought this was humourous, felt like I needed to post it)

A good friend will get u out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to u saying, "that was <smallfont color={hovercolor}>-Censored-</smallfont>ing awesome!!!!!"

[Jared Mriad]

Don't Fart in Bed


If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought
came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said "Honey,
you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[Andraq Novkar]

>_< >_<

Oh that's wrong, but so funny.

[Admiral Lebron]

A plane was flying over the Atlantic when it started to lose altitude, so to level the plane they threw out the luggage. And it worked. Some time later the plane began to descend again. A Frenchman stood up and said, "Viva la France" then jumped out. A couple seconds later, a Brit stood up and said "God save the queen!" And jumped out. Then, a Texan stood up. And said "Remember the alamo?!" And threw out a Mexican.

[Sean Piett]

Hahaha, Lebron! That's hardkore.

[Zasz Grimm]

There was this farmer one day at his house, going about his business doing his own thing. It was arounde break time and he was on his porch leaning back in his rocking chair when a man walked up with two rather large buckets. The farmer stands up and goes to the man.

The man says..."Say, I noticed you had some milkweeds up over there on those hills, you mind if I take my buckets and get some milk?"

Now the farmer, thinking this guy was an absolute fool thought about it for a minute. Obviously he was crazy or something, so the farmer nodded his head and gave his consent. The man walked off and over the hills and was there for about 2 hours till he came back. But his buckets are full of milk.

The man says..."I sure appreciate this mister, have a nice evening. Perhaps I will come back again."

The farmer nodded and bid the man goodbye and he went back inside to think about all this. Well, during the next few days things go by as usual for the farmer, he was doing his thing and break comes up. So he goes to his porch and sits. The man comes back again, with two more large buckets...

The man says..."Say, you wouldn't mind if I went past those other hills over there and get to those buttercups I saw you had last time and get some butter do you?"

The farmer hesitated once again and thought about it a minute. He eventually nodded and let him go. Maybe he would get butter? It's doubtful though. So the man walked off and about two hours later he came back. His buckets were full of butter...

The man says..."I sure appreciate this mister, have a nice evening. Perhaps I will come back again."

The farmer nodded and the man walked off. The farmer walked into his house muttering. About five days pass when the man comes back. He has no buckets just himself and he strolls up to the farmer who was on break...

The man says..."Last time I was here I saw some pussywillows. You don't mind if I..."

The farmer goes..."Now you wait just a damn minute. You let me get my hat."