How Do I Live? (Sasha)

[Feliciana Devano]

Felciana had been debating something in her mind all day. Should I tell him or not? She thought to herself over and over again. After hours of crying and feeling terrible, she finally decided to do the right thing and go tell Sasha a secret she had been keeping from him for a few days. Rising from the edge of her bed, Fel walked to her door and opened it, then stepped through and shut it behind her. Taking a deep breath, she walked across the hall and placed her hand upon the knob of his door. Just go in and tell him.... She coached herself. Sighing, Feliciana twisted the knob and pushed the door open....walking in without knocking. She shut it behind her and saw Sasha sitting at his desk...studying some sort of book. She tilted her head to the side and smiled thoughtfully, waiting until he noticed her. She did not want to disturb him in the least.

[SashaKovalev]

It seemed that he hadnt seen her in a few days. She hadnt been in her room when he'd gone to visit, and to see her now, a grin spread quickly across his stern features.

He pushed aside the book he'd been studying on the Templis Cult - a group that his father had been a part of. A group that was the cause of his father's death so many years ago. And he stood up and crossed the room to her. His hand reached to pull her to him, intent on feeling her body close to his, for it was always a comfort to be near her.

But something stopped him. Her eyes were slightly red, as if she had perhaps been crying recently. And he knew her well enough to recognize a feeling of uneasiness coming from her. Something was not quite right.

Concern erased the grin. They knew each other well, and he knew that when she came to him without the usual smile and without the familiar feeling of happiness at being with one another that something was wrong.

So instead he took her hand in his and led her over to his bed, where they both sat down.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his eyes studying the face that he knew so well. The face that he saw constantly in his mind through each and every day.

[Feliciana Devano]

Feliciana wandered beside Sasha as he took her to his bed and they sat down together. She sighed and turned her body more so that she was directly facing him, letting her cyan eyes look deeply into his violet ones. She looked down for but a moment before allowing her eyes to search his once again. The young woman then took her hand and gently touched his face, running her fingers along his jawline and then over his lips, then down his neck to bring her hand to rest upon his chest. She could feel his heart beating in time with her own and it made her soul ache for what she was about to say would ruin the happiness that they shared.

"Sasha I.....well, as you know, I have been on a number of training missions because I.....didn't have a Master. Well, on my last mission...Jeseth Cloak took...took an interest in t...training me...."

She paused a moment and sighed to herself, clearing her mind with a deep breath and closing her eyes for a second before opening them again. The young woman removed her hand from his chest and instead, took both of his hands in her own.

"He took me as his Apprentice and I was over joyed...."

Again she stopped and looked at him. She could see the impatience in his eyes...he wanted to know what she was getting at for nothing seemed terrible enough to cry over...not yet. A few tears welled up in her eyes as she began to speak again.

"That's not it though, Sasha. He.....he's leaving the Order with several others for they have formed their own Rogue league and....and......."

I can't do this....I can't tell him.... She told herself and she looked away from his precious face. His eyes were like deep oceans and she was easily lost within them. To tell him this news killed her so....but she hoped that he truly loved her and would support her. But she knew, that was not always the case.....

"....I'm going to follow him......Sasha, I'm leaving the Order with Jeseth....."

It was then she broke down and the tears flowed like rivers over the lush jungles of Dagobah. Her tears were like the rain that fell there as well.....though this time, the rain did not bring life, but death....death to all that had been and all that would ever be, for them. She looked to him for support of any kind.....or for a sign, that maybe, just maybe he would stick with her and stand by her side.....

[SashaKovalev]

Her words.....

He felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. In only just a few words...

I'm going to follow him......Sasha, I'm leaving the Order with Jeseth..... He had lost his breath. He had lost the ability to speak.

He had let this woman into his life despite something that told him not to.

When she fell to crying, her tears pouring from her eyes, he paused. For the first time since knowing her, he was unsure of whether to take her into his arms, or to turn away.

His heart felt as if it had been ripped from his chest.

Leaving the order? Leaving the place that had given her this start? Leave...him?

He stood and walked over to his window, gazing outside and not speaking for what seemed to be an eternity.

He had not been prepared to fall in love. And more, he had not been prepared for the pain that came with it. And in being unprepared, he was unable to look past his own pain right now, unable to see past himself to understand why she had to do this, to understand that in his love for her, he should have offered support. That if this was meant to be between them, they would find a way to make it work.

Perhaps later, with a clear head, he would come to understand this. But at the moment, it was nearly impossible.

This was not happening. This could not be happening. His eyes closed and then reopened. His back was to Fel, his broad shoulders rising and falling as he struggled to inhale. The air seemed to thick to breathe.

[Feliciana Devano]

More tears flooded Feliciana's eyes as she watched Sasha walk away from her. He said absolutely nothing and something told her internally that not all was well.....and he was deeply upset.

"Sasha.....if your Master left the Order tomorrow......and she wanted you to go with her.....what would you do?"

She spoke the words through torrents of tears, knowing very well that he would stay with Lady Vader, and she understood that.

"I would support you Sasha.....can you not do this very thing for me?"

Still he said nothing and this broke her heart. She thought what they had was real and now she was beginning to think otherwise. Had he accepted her love and not returned it? Had he wished to be with her because of appearance....or because he felt sorry for her? She knew not but all of these thoughts rushed into her mind giving her an overload.

"My love for you shall remain, what more do you want? I'm not leaving you, though I shall not be a member of your Order! Do you not want what is best for me too?"

[SashaKovalev]

Sasha.....if your Master left the Order tomorrow......and she wanted you to go with her.....what would you do?

He was silent. His teeth were clenched in anger as he continued to stare out the window. He searched to find a way to make the situations different. It was likely that he would leave for Lady Vader – but he had cut off his own hand for her.

I would support you Sasha.....can you not do this very thing for me?

He was still silent. Can I not do this very thing for you? He questioned in his mind. No, the truth was, that right now, he could not. The only thing he could do was feel the anger and pain that her decision brought.

My love for you shall remain, what more do you want? I'm not leaving you, though I shall not be a member of your Order! Do you not want what is best for me too?

Finally, he turned to face her.

“You’re not leaving me?” He demanded, his face flushed with anger, and his violet eyes glittery with tears he would not shed.

“You’re going halfway across the -Censored--Censored--Censored--Censored-ing galaxy to follow a man who has chosen not to be a part of this order? To become a traitor to the very order that gave you every chance in this galaxy to become what you wanted to become?”

“No, you’re not leaving me…” He added, his tone of voice heavily sarcastic.

[Feliciana Devano]

She saw the hurt in his eyes.....the tears he would not shed. Her heart broke again and again from that look she could never erase from her mind. Perhaps she was doing the wrong thing....but no, she knew she was not. I'm doing the right thing....I'm going to become a real Sith... She thought to herself. Her head dropped as tears fell to the floor. Rising from the bed, she walked over to him and lifted her eyes to meet his.....pain crawled upon every feature of her face as she now glared at him.

"To think that I trusted you! To think that I gave you my very heart....."

Tears fell as she spoke these harsh words. Anger filled her very soul as she felt a void opening back up again.....like a wound that had once healed and then had been re-opened.

"-Censored--Censored--Censored--Censored- it then......you won't hold out for me.......why should I make the effort. I thought I knew you.......I guess I was wrong!"

With that, she brought her hand back and then whipped it into his face, leaving a healthy red hand print on his cheek. Growling, she let more tears cascade down her cheeks.....and then she stormed out of his room, slamming the door behind her. She stopped and leaned against his door for a moment as more tears came and came until she was weeping fully. The young woman could bare it no longer, so she ran across the hall and into her room, then slammed her own door and fell to the floor.

"I'll make it easier on everyone.....you'll see!"

She exclaimed loudly and ran to her kitchen to find a knife. Once a sharp one was located, she took it in her right hand and put it against her left wrist, then cut deeply ino the flesh of her arm. She did this to her right wrist too.....then collapsed upon the floor as blood poured from her veins. The pain was overwhelming....and it fed a fire within her.......though soon.....she shut her swollen eyes and began breathing slower. She would not die....but part of her would never live again: her heart.

[SashaKovalev]

To think that I trusted you! To think that I gave you my very heart..... As her tears fell he only stood there, glaring at her. He could see that she, too, was hurting, and her face he would never be able to erase from his mind. He wanted to hold her – but his arms felt to heavy to live.

Censored--Censored- it then......you won't hold out for me.......why should I make the effort. I thought I knew you.......I guess I was wrong!

With that, she brought her hand back and then whipped it into his face, leaving a healthy red hand print on his cheek.

This, he had not expected. Had he not loved her, violence would have been his initial reaction. Insead hestood stunned, his fists clenched.

He said nothing, did nothing as she stormed out of his room, slamming the door behind her.

Once she had left, his fist when through the first thing he saw, the shards of the mirror shattering loudly, and pieces of the glass, like his broken heart, falling to the floor.

(ooc: I'll start the new one in a different thread right now. :) )

[Feliciana Devano]

ooc: Sounds awesome! ;)