Crawling In The Dark...(open)

[Xazor Elessar]

Crawling In The Dark


I will dedicate and sacrifice my every-thing
for just a seconds worth of how my story's ending
and I wish I could know if the directions that I take
and all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing

Show me what it's for
make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer
is there something more
than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer

Help me carry on
assure me it's ok to
use my heart and not my eyes
to navigate the darkness
will the ending be
ever coming suddenly?
will I ever get to see
the ending to my story?

Show me what it's for
make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer
is there something more
than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer

So when and how will I know?

How much further do I have to go? (have to go)
and how much longer until I finally know? (finally know)
cause I am looking and I just can't see what's in front of me
in front of me

Show me what it's for
make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer
is there something more
than what I've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark
looking for the answer

__________________________________________

Day 1...Week 45

Dear Gaia,

I have felt so lost lately as if no one loves me. I know I've said it before and I'll say it time and time again...but this galaxy is so lonely as of late. Perhaps it's all in my head...but even with the few I am close to, it isn't enough. I've been struggling with so much and the stress is getting to be a bit overwhelming. Terran thinks that I should take a break...but my duties are with the Jedi...I must carry on.

Is it because I am young? I have felt fear for the first time in a long time...perhaps I am falling from the path I have chosen. To think that I have risen from the Darkness to the Light...just to feel it taking over again. Anger....I have felt it as well...anger at others, and myself. Maybe I should take a break...maybe.

Love, Xazor

_________________________________________

Day 2...Week 45

Dear Gaia,

I must be cursed! Life around me seems to be falling into despair and there is nothing I can do about it! My Father will hardly speak with me...my own Brother despises me, I am sure....the Father of my Unborn won't even look at me....and Terran, well...he's a different story. I won't even go into those details right now, I'm sure you know already. Marcus and Helenias are the only ones I have now...I just hope they don't give up on me.

I need to find peace or I'm sure I'll loose it. I haven't told anyone this, though Marcus knows...he sees the words I write upon this paper right now....he knows that I write to no one....though I do this every night. Scary isn't it, how we are so close? It is comforting though....he's closer to me than anyone has ever been in my life. I decided to take a short break and possibly visit home again...Eden, how I miss it there. I hope they have not cast me out either...

Love, Xazor

_________________________________________

Day 3...Week 45

Dear Gaia,

I've been having terrible nightmares lately, and I am afraid to go to sleep. Something is haunting my dreams and I wish it would go away! I see visions of my Mother...being tortured. Then I see myself being tortured...and then my child, I see my Unborn and Marcus....Terran, Dasquian...Helenias, Oriadin...and many others whose faces are unclear. Everyone is tortured as they fight against something. I wish I knew what it was so I could stop it, but I am only one person.

They keep me awake...screams of terror ring through the night but I can't stop them...I can't make it go away! I need to speak to someone...I've fallen into depression. I shouldn't feel this way, right? I'm a Jedi...maybe I should talk to Navaria...or the rest of the Council. I'm so lost...I'm crawling in the dark...

Love, Xazor

_________________________________________

Xazor rested gently in her soft warm bed against the wall in her Living Quarters. The window on the other side of the room let a bit of moonlight in that danced upon the floor. The rising and falling of her chest was rhythmatic as she breathed in slowly and deeply...her heartrate slow as her mind body was inactive, but her mind raced. This was only natural in everybody, but Xazor's mind was different...her dreams were different. Her room was still and quiet....the diary she kept to the god of the Garou, Gaia, rested at the foot of her bed, open to the last page she wrote in. The air was warm and everything seemed picturesque until suddenly a nightmare struck.

A woman who mirrored Xazor in many ways, lay upon the ground as men circled her....beating her with objects she had once used: Lightwhips. The men were vicious and cruel, not giving her any chance to get up or escape at all. A tall man who's face was shadowed, stood over them, chanting for them to continue on. The woman was beat so severaly that when it was finished, she was dead and completely unrecognizable. She had screamed out in pain and terror, and these cries rang through Xazor's mind.

"STOP! NO! STOP!!"

She yelled at the top of her lungs and sat up straight in bed, panting hard and sweating. Placing a hand on her chest, her widened eyes peered about the quiet room...not seeing anything out of the ordinary. Taking deep breaths with her eyes closed, the Knight called upon the Force to calm her down as she regrouped from the terribly vivid dream. Her own calls had been quite loud and she hoped that no one had heard her....No one must ever know of this... she said softly to herself.

Pushing the white linen sheets off of her body, Xazor placed her feet upon the cold floor and rose up a bit shakily. Moving towards the refresher, she stood looking in the mirror as she tossed cold water upon her face. Maybe that would wake her up and make her feel better. This was routine though, and she knew it would do nothing if she went back to sleep. Walking into the kitchen, she got out a glass and poured herself a bit of Namana Juice, then sat down upon the couch with it, taking slow little sips as she turned on the holomonitor. There was nothing entertaining on...but at least it was a relief....a release from those dreams. She just hoped that she could stay awake now....she prayed that she would.....

[The Deliverator]

The Deliverator is at the end of his shift. He just delivered his second run to GJO, to some padawans who were too lazy to get up and go down the street to Yog's. A shill yell catches his attention. Not that he cares what's going on in there. It's a Jedi building, not like she's in there getting beat or mugged or something. But he's a nice guy at heart, or would like to think so, anyways. He pounds the door.

"Wake the place, why don'tcha? Jeez!"

K, not exactly the nicest thing he could've said, but he's also extremely blunt and tactless at times, even when he's trying to be nice.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor turned around from her place, nearly dropping the glass of Namana Juice in her hands. Gingerly she rose from her seat and slowly walked over to the door, placing a hand upon it as she felt for who was on the other side. He was someone she had met, recently.....though she knew not his name. He was....Force sensitive as well. The Knight reached for the handle of the door and opened it with her touch to reveal the Pizza Delivery Boy she remembered from Dexter's Diner. Smiling out of a bit of embarassment, she moved out of the way to let him in if he so chose.

"I'm sorry.....sometimes that happens but it has not for a very long time. If I startled you or something, I apologize. Please, come in if you like...."

She said softly, wondering who would order a Pizza at this hour of the night anyway. Her only guess was that it was a few of the Padawans who never liked to sleep.....always too much was there to do at night when they did not have to study or anything. She remembered those days....though there were few of them now. Smiling gently, she nodded and again motioned for him to join her for perhaps a late night drink. All Xazor knew is that she did not want to be alone right now....

[Sene Unty]

Sene walked down the hallway, his stomach growling loudly...the pizza had to be here by now! He had ordered it only a little while ago..but he knew the place he had ordered from was known for their speed.

Still walking the hallway, he rounded a corner just in time to the pizza guy pound on a door. Smiling he approached the man, just in time to see his master Xazor open her door.....had she ordered pizza too?

His stomach told him to investigate.

He walked up to the man and asked a question:

"Hey are those pizza's for me?"

[Helenias Evenstar]

There was someone else wandering in the halls tonight. Someone in a long grey cloak, walking quiety. Rare I was here, but tonight, I wanted the peace and quiet of the halls of the Jedi - and not the madness of the Senate.

Hopefully also to meet someone.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor peered out of her door, wondering why the Pizza Boy was just standing there, but then she saw her Padawan, Sene. Ah yes, the one who should have been asleep at this hour was up wandering about, looking for his Pizza. She smiled to herself and then saw someone else......Helenias?, she thought to herself. What is she doing here? Not that Xazor minded or anything, but it was good to see someone else that was familiar...someone who cared. The Knight smiled more so than before and called out to the woman walking the halls.

"Mother! Dear Mother!"

The call was a bit hushed as she did not wish to wake the others around her.....especially the Jedi Master next door....he was a grumpy one sometimes. Hopefully Helenias had heard her.....how Xazor needed to talk to her badly.....without the interruption of others.

[Sene Unty]

Sene watched his master call out to a woman behind him. He smiled as he realized it was Helenias. She seemed overjoyed to have seen her, and Sene could sense distress from deep inside Xazor's soul. He would like to help, but apparently she was seeking the guidance of the woman Sene had never spoken to. Seeing this, Sene knew that he should simply get his pizza and leave.

Turning to the delivery guy, Sene held out a large Republic credit.

"I guess those are mine....how much do I owe you?"

[Helenias Evenstar]

Hushed or not, I heard Xazor's call - and my face lit up with joy.

"Xazor! My daughter!"

How did Morgan put his term for a crash-hug? Tackle Glomp? However you put it, I almost flew to Xazor and hit her with a huge hug... just feeling the need to have some sanity in my life, because there was none in the Senate.

"How are you? And how is Marcus? Oh, I have not seen either of you in so long!"

I then stepped back to look her over... really look her over. She was beginning to put on weight due to her pregnancy, she wasn't really showing yet, but I could tell.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled as Helenias tackeled her with a hug. It was welcome though.....quite welcome after all that had been going on lately. She noticed Helenias looking her over.....and Xazor knew that she was gaining weight....and it was quite noticeable to those who had known her well. It mattered not though, Xazor was happy about her Unborn child....though she knew that her birth was overshadowed with Darkness.

"I fare well...."

That was a complete and utter lie but Xazor did not reveal it, even with the smile that she put on. The last thing she wanted was for anyone to worry about her....especially Sene....he was like a son to her and he worried an aweful lot for her. They had been through so much together. The Knight looked her Mother over and smiled with joy.....it had been a while since they had seen one another.

"And you? How is the Senate treating you? I have researched and it sounds like quite a job to hold...."

[The Deliverator]

She opened the door to let him in, though at the moment, duty called.

"20 creds," he mumbled to Sene.

Though for once, The Deliverator was only half-focused on his job.

"Fare well? Bull! You were screamin' like you were gettin' mugged by the frikkin Mafia!"

[Sene Unty]

Sene shook his head at the delivery boys statement. Now was not the time for loud revealing exclamations....Xazor obviously was trying to hide something that she only wanted to reveal to Helenias. She did not need a pizza boys obnoxious voice in her head.

"Here are the credits buddy...thanks." He handed the money to the delivery guy and hoped he would walk away....

[The Deliverator]

The Deliverator accepts the creds and gives Sene a glare. He knows Sene wants him gone. Knows he thinks the Deliverator is prying in business he shouldn't be. After all, its the Force that makes the Deliverator the best. He speaks to Sene with the Force.

"Just sayin' what I heard pal...her secret, if she has one, is still under wraps."

He turned and walked back down the hall and out the building. His business here is done.

[Sene Unty]

Sene tried to call out to the man but he was already gone. Damn he was fast.....

Frowning he looked down at his feet. Maybe he was a little too direct towards the guy. He could have broken it down easier.....

"Well master now that I got my food, I'll be on my way. Good night to you and Mrs. Helenias."

He nodded and turned to walk away......

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Oh the Senate..."

I had a wistful look on my face

"It sucks. Full of greed, corruption, deciet. It is no place for an honest woman... or so they would say to me. Already I think I have made enemies, for I opposed a resolution that would have seen some rights taken off the farmers of Pl-stf, because the Trade Federation wanted more access to their crops. I speak out against greed and I hear some do not like that. Also, others do not like a Jedi within the Senate. They dont like their scheming overheard by mind powers. I hear dishonesty too well for others to be comfortable. But on the other hand, there are some who are beginning to trust me and take me into their confidence, for that which others hate."

"But tell me, what have you and Marcus been up to?"

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled gently at Sene and bowed to her Padawan, then listened to her Mother speak. The Senate sucked....that was sad to hear. She wished things were going better for Helenias.

"Please, do come inside....."

She said softly, allowing the other woman to enter as she closed the door behind them. The question she asked next was difficult to answer....what had they not been up to? She smiled to herself and moved over to the couch, making room for her Mother.

"We've been doing so much lately. The operations above Dex's Diner are getting....interesting. We went out after the man who hired the Assassin to kill you. We have been steadily wiping away information from databanks about us.....we've been searching info on others.....one which is named, Lilaena De'Ville. I do not know much of her...but she is a Dark Jedi of the Blank Hand...and for some reason, Marcus has faith in her that she is closer to the Light than what we think."

Xazor sighed to herself and sat back, thinking of all they had been doing recently. It was interesting, to say the least.....and she had to stay focused on so many things....one of which was keeping her cover close so that others knew not what she was up to.

"He's thought of you the whole time though.....always upon his mind you are. He worries sometimes....but I understand...."

Of course she knew how he felt...she knew his very thoughts at the moment as he knew hers as well. He was aware that she was speaking with Helenias. Their Life Bond hid nothing from one another....and it was unique to say the least.....

[Helenias Evenstar]

"Oh, Lilaena... Marcus has always been watchful of her. I would agre with his assessment"

There was however, thinking of Marcus, something I wished to ask.

"Xazor, you know Marcus as well as anyone.... can you tell me something? He has not contacted me visually for a week. He has left recorded messages, they sound odd to me, like something i s wrong. Then, last night, I heard something has happened to his sight. Tell me truly, is he alright? And yourself, I sense that your not feeling right as well. Do you want to talk?"

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor looked away from Helenias as she flashed back to the moment she realized Marcus had lost his sight. A hard lump formed in the back of her throat as she tried to think of what to say to her Mother...though she could not think of a good way to lie....she was terrible at it. Sighing, she looked to Helenias and shifted her weight uncomfortably. A look of sadness swept over her and she let her eyes fall to the floor.

"Marcus......well......he is alright but...."

She could not bring herself to say it, though she knew that Helenias would find out eventually. Her mind brushed the Jedi Master's as she thought of how to tell his wife. Honesty was the best policy....or was it? Hoping that Marcus would forgive her for saying what had been going on, she took a deep breath and continued.

"He lost his sight........fully and completely.........I'm so sorry......"

It tore at her heart too. Marcus was like a secondary father....and recently, he was filling the gap as her Father in general. Verse was away and had hardly spoken to her since his last trip of three months. Now he couldn't even look at her....so Xazor moved on and found family in Marcus and Helenias.

"Yes......I needed to speak to someone about my own issues too. I'm sorry you had to hear that from me......I'm so sorry.......it pains my heart as well....."

[Helenias Evenstar]

My face fell. This was not good news at all.

"Oh no.... how is he coping?"

Uninvited, I took a seat.

"Tell me what you know of this - and please, tell me what troubles you my daughter"

Sounded like a long night was coming. Still, couldn't be worse than what I had seen at the time of her child's birth... could it?

[Xazor Elessar]

"He's alright.......he's making it work. You must remember, Marcus is a strong man and he'll get by....for now anyway."

She said softly, sighing to herself as she shook her head. Then Helenias questioned the Garou of her own troubles and she shrugged, recalling the terrible nightmares that had been haunting her for some time now.

"I've.....I've been having very bad nightmares as of late. They're not just the usual nightmare, though, Mother. These are....prophetic. Sometimes they show me the past.....the present.....and now, now they're haunting me with the future. I'm so afraid to go to sleep at night. I haven't been sleeping much at all for the amount of time I do is spent running from something in these dreams....or watching others suffer. I know not if I am cursed forever or if this is temporary.....but these dreams....they're so real. I wake up screaming in the night.....calling out for those that are.....dying. It's.....it's just so horrible....."

Xazor felt tears stinging at her eyes but she refused to let them fall. The memories and visions came flooding her mind and she transferred some of these to Helenias through the Force so that the woman could understand what she was speaking of.....

[Helenias Evenstar]

I rubbed my fingers on my temple, to stop the sudden headache.

"Please.. Xazor dont try to transfer what you are dreaming to me. My mental shielding will prevent it and onl give me a headache. But dont think I dont want to know what exactly it is you see in your sleep - I want to know precisely. Details so I can help you. And.... tell Marcus I love him. A lot. And I wish he was here."

The sadness with my loneliness was hard to take sometimes. So often I wished that I could take my family - Xazor included and live out the dream Marcus had - farmland in some backwater. I so wanted Xazor to be happy... so much that to see her now broke my heart. And knowing what doom hung over all of us....