The mind doesnt always think so clearly (Feliciana)

[SashaKovalev]

He hadnt seen her since the day she had walked off on him on Tatooine. He'd wanted to follow, but his master, Lady Vader, had suppressed that desire. He knew it was Feliciana's decision to make - to befriend the jedi or to loathe them. And he could only wait. He supposed that was why he'd been sent away for some time, to make the waiting a bit easier, to keep him distracted. Or perhaps even, to keep him more focused, for not being around her had made it a bit easier. He hadnt forgotten, she was impossible to forget, but distance and lack of communication had allowed him to keep a level head.

He was approaching his nineteenth birthday. It was only a couple of months away. The past year of his life had passed in an odd sort of blur, and returning to the castle felt like returning....home. Only home to a place where life had gone on despite his absence.

He pushed open the door to his room, but he hadnt missed the fact that Feliciana's was open just a crack. Her room was across the hallway from his.

So she was still here. He gave a small sigh of relief. That had to mean she had made the right choice. A part of him was relieved, and the other part...nervous, perhaps. Nervous that she had gone about her life without giving him a second thought. When he had given her more than a thought, he'd given her three weeks of restless dreams as he sought sleep. As he sought refuge from his concern for her.

And it had angered him. Why did he care? She certainly didnt. She hadnt once tried to contact him. She didnt care at all. And that was why he'd tossed his things on his bed, then turned and knocked briefly on her door. It was a harsh sort of rap, driven by anger and the desire to see her once more, because then he would be able to convince himself he didnt care. Or so he thought. Foolishly.

[Feliciana Devano]

Feliciana sat in her room....studying up on Sith Magic. The book upon her desk was bound in black leather with ancient writing upon the cover. It was worn and faded as was the text that lay within. Her thoughts were interrupted as a sharp knocking came upon her door. Immediatly her heart began to race with hope of Sasha....but she had been told that he left and did not care for her anymore....so her hope diminished, and she got up from her seat and sauntered toward the door.

Her black robes clung close to her body and flowed behind her as she walked. Finally she reached the door, which was cracked open slightly before...and then pushed it open the rest of the way. What she saw then made her drop her jaw and her eyes open wide. It was....Sasha....standing at her door. Her heart skipped several beats as she stood there, just looking at him. In that moment, memories and emotions came rushing at her...how she wished that she could forget what she had been told for those three weeks that he was gone....but alas, she could not, and a sadness returned to her eyes.

"Sasha.....I.....why?"

It was all she could say in that moment as she stood face to face with him. She loved him, and in that moment she knew it...but something told her that perhaps he did not feel the same way...not yet. He had changed...as had she. She was...darker...her eyes held the shadows within them, but the cyan had yet to fade. She had killed while he was gone...and she had embraced the Darkness, forsaking every word that her Jedi Friends had told her....but he did not know that.....

[SashaKovalev]

His violet eyes stared at her as she opened the door.

Sasha.....I.....why?

Why? WHY? His mind screamed. He wasnt sure how he'd pictured this moment. But he knew it wasnt like this.

His tanned cheeks flushed, and his violet eyes narrowed slightly. In anger. In rejection. In fury. Why had he bothered? He'd known caring would only....would only hurt. And it did. More than he wanted to admit.

He released a shallow breath and leaned against the doorway. It looked casual. It was the same thing he'd done when they'd first met, only then he'd been relaxed, casual. Now, right now, inside, he was anything but relaxed and casual.

"Funny, that wasnt how you greeted me a few weeks ago." He stated. He strove for a relaxed, non commital tone. But to him, it felt forced, and the anger at her for not caring managed to make its way into his words, turning them from a casual retort to an accusation.

And his eyes, those violet eyes as they stared at her from beneath tousled, perhaps a bit too long brown locks, were also accusing. His eyes had always betrayed him. Had always given away his feelings. Despite all of his careful training to hide his thoughts, his emotions from others, his eyes betrayed him.

[Xazor Elessar]

sorry.....delete this....

[Feliciana Devano]

Fel could not believe what he had said. He was acting just as she had been told....uncaring. He did not care about her, so she had to stop fooling herself. She had to stop caring for him before she got hurt.

"I was just wondering why....you left. I thought..."

She let her words trail off as she turned from him and walked away into her room to stand at the center of the quarters. Her eyes grew darker as emotions welled up in her heart. Why had he left her? Had he not been so gentle and caring with her? Had he not nearly spoken words of feelings to her? Was it all a waist?

"So the things that happened before you left, they were all in selfish vain?!"

She exclaimed, a new anger arising within her heart. It was something he had never seen in her before...the true change was coming forth. Her cyan eyes glowed now as a darkness eminated from her heart. She felt so betrayed...cast aside and stepped upon by the one she had nearly given her heart and soul to....but her dreams had been dashed because he had left...

[SashaKovalev]

She wondered why he had left? She had walked off on him if he rightly recalled. And he had been sent away on a training mission. He hadnt left...why did she think he'd left?

But before he could retort, she turned on him, walked into her room and stood there glaring at him.

So the things that happened before you left, they were all in selfish vain?! She demanded. Anger in her voice. A side of her he hadnt yet seen.

He had stepped into her room, following her, and now he shut the door behind him, closing others out of this conversation.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, trying to keep his voice level. He wanted to yell at her. Demand to know why she'd walked off on him. Why she had never tried to contact him.

[Feliciana Devano]

This was getting too confusing and obviously he was trying to cover up his lies by making up a story.

"What am I talking about? Before you left to go off wherever you went.....we....we became close! Have you forgotten about that? I should have never trusted you...because then you just decided to leave..."

Anger laced her pretty voice and her eyes narrowed to look at him. Indeed...she had gone with the Jedi but had only done so to seek refuge from the punishment that might have come from the woman she had found out was Lady Vader. She feared her greatly and had needed time to rethink things in her life. And she had....she had decided that the Jedi were nothing to her now...thehy wanted to ensnarl her in their lies....and she would not have it.

"So why? Why did you leave?"

[SashaKovalev]

Confusion washed over his young face. Why had he left? Because he'd been sent on a training mission. Hadnt she known?

"Of course I havent forgotten." He replied in answer to her demand. He didnt add that she had haunted his dreams, kept him from sleep throughout the time he'd been gone.

He stepped a bit further into her room, the sunlight from her windows playing on his features.

"I didnt decide to leave, Fel, I was on a training mission." He added, his words sounding defensive.

"And I never asked you to trust me." He muttered. These words were said more for him, for somehow, she was making him feel guilty, as if he were the one who had done something wrong. He felt bad as soon as they came out of his mouth, though, for he knew they were mean, spiteful words intended to hurt. And hurt her was the last thing he had ever wanted to do.

[Feliciana Devano]

For a moment her eyes softened. He had not forgotten...and that made her heart sing. But then his words confused her. "I didn't decide to leave, Fel, I was on a training mission." she repeated the words in her mind and shook her head.

"What?! But....a woman in black came to me...she told me that you left because of me...that you did not wish to see me ever again...."

Her words fell out like bricks....every one of them was filled with a new pain that encompassed her heart...and then he said someting that tore her heart right out of her chest and made her world crumble at her feet.

"How could you do this to me? I did trust you Sasha I love..."

She paused then and blushed crimson...turning away from him so that he would not see her now like this...so vaunerable with the words that she nearly spoke...the truth that lived within her soul...

[SashaKovalev]

All of her other words were forgotten when he heard that one word. The one word she clearly had not meant to speak, for she had turned from him.

He felt the color drain from his face for a moment. Was this how love felt? He felt like he'd been kicked in the gut for a moment as realization hit him.

The young Sith apprentice stepped forward, reaching gently for Feliciana's elbow in an effort to turn her to face him once again.

"What did you just say?" He asked, his voice almost gentle, his violet eyes staring with intensity at her as he waited for her to speak again. As he waited, not daring to believe what he had just heard.

[Feliciana Devano]

She felt his touch on her elbow...and slowly she turned around. Her eyes fell to the floor immediatly when he questioned her words.....or rather, one word. Felicia's cheeks flushed once again and they felt hot to the touch. She forced herself to look at the floor...but alas, was unable to avoid his eyes...his deep and beautiful eyes. Her heart nearly stopped as the words she was ready to speak rested on the tip of her tongue....but she had to tell him....she had to.....

"I.....I love you Sasha....."

The words were soft and so innocent as she spoke them. Something in her eyes glowed brightly as she spoke the words that she had longed to tell him.....but then an ache came to her stomach at the thought that he would never feel the same....she would die if that was the case....so she closed her eyes tightly and lowered her head, softly praying in her mind that he would....

[SashaKovalev]

Her eyes, her beautiful eyes refused to look at him for the longest time. But when they finally met his, he knew it, believed it before she spoke. Her words only gave him the confidence he needed to act on the belief.

But again, she lowered her head, the brightness in her eyes gone. He reached for her, cupped her chin in his hand gently and lifted her face until her eyes were forced to look again into his.

He wanted to speak the words in return. And he would, when the time was right to him. It wasnt that he didnt love her, for he'd finally realized, he did. But he wanted to tell her when it wasnt a lame response to her words. When she would know he truly meant them.

He stared into her eyes for a moment, his expression the stern, serious expression he so often wore, and then his features softened, and he pulled her close to him. Wrapped his arms around her and held her for a moment.

And then he pulled away slightly.

"Why did you think I'd left because of you?" He asked, her words from before finally coming to him, sinking in.

"You were the one who walked off on me at the cantina...." He added, confusion in his voice.

[Feliciana Devano]

He did not speak them in return and her heart nearly broke into a thousand pieces....that is, until he pulled her close to him in a warm embrace. Now she had some explaining to do...as he asked the questions to her.

"Someone told me that you left because of me....I thought that it was because of the incident back at the cantina...and about that...."

She sighed once again, shaking her head as her eyes looked deeply into his. The words she wanted to say seemed so clear in her mind yet when she went to tell him, they did not come out as planned.

"I needed time to rethink my life...I felt so pressured there with the Jedi surrounding me...and then you and the one whom I came to find was Lady Vader. All I learned from that is that the Jedi are decievers...those who wish to keep me from a real life. Selfish, they are....all they wanted was another who they could add to their numbers...numbers, that's all that matters to them."

She sighed, shaking her head as anger against them boiled within her heart. Her eyes softed once again as she looked at him....wondering what was going through his mind now that he knew how she felt...now that he knew how she had changed....

[SashaKovalev]

He listened to her speak, and then shook his head slowly.

"I was there that day, when you came in. Lady Vader had let me take one of the ships out and I'd gone to Tatooine just to fly. Just to be out there in space...." He voice drifted off for a moment. He loved flying and now that he knew how to fly on his own, it was an incredible feeling of freedom.

"I was jealous. When the jedi....well, they were flirting with you."

His eyes dipped for a moment to look to the floor, then they came quickly back to her.

"And I was just going to watch, let you make up your own mind. But then I wanted too badly to tell you...." His sentence ended abruptly. She didnt need to know the mistake he had made. Why he had wanted so badly to drag her out of the cantina. Because he'd cared - and he hadnt wanted to see her make the same mistake he had made with the jedi.

"Anyway, Lady Vader tracked me to the cantina." He grinned sheepishly for a brief second. She was always looking out for him, and he appreciated it. Looked forward to it, even, for inevitably, he learned something from it. But then his serious expresison returned.

"And she told me I could warn you...but...but everything else...I had to let you make your own decision." He sighed deeply.

"I think thats part of the reason why I was sent away for a while." He added softly.

"So I wouldnt distract you, and so I wouldnt be distracted myself." He brushed a stray lock of hair impatiently from his eyes.

"You distract me." He added, his voice teasing softly.

[Feliciana Devano]

Fel listened intently and then smiled with relief. So he had been sent away...he had never left her and in the end, she had made the right decision. She smiled brightly as she had once a long time ago and then moved forward toward him, caressing his face with her soft hand. A coy smile crossed her lips as she looked up at him....they stood so close now.

"I distract you? Is that a......bad thing? For I surly could stop if you wish...."

She said softly, taking on a new sensuality about herself. Her eyes flickered shut momentarily as she leaned forward and brushed her lips against his...just to tease him. The tension built in the room and she stepped back a bit...not wishing to make him feel uncomfortable....that was the last thing that she wished to do. A smile held upon her lips...but it was a nervous smile...she wished to know what was on his mind now.....oh so badly...

[SashaKovalev]

And what was on his mind was surely not appropriate for discussion or he would have received quite a hard smack to the face - at best.

Her hand, as it touched his cheek, was exactly as he imagined it would feel. And her smile, it was..it was confident. Coy. Seductive. She knew she held some sort of power over him at the moment, and she was usuing it skillfully.

"No...no I dont think its a bad thing." He replied, his senses suddenly a thousand times more aware than they had been.

"And even if it is, I'd prefer you continue to do it..." He added, a slightly cocky grin appearing on his features.

The fact that she loved him, that she.....as she brushed her lips against his, he gave in to what he'd wanted to do since she'd opened her door that very first night he'd met her.

His hand reached for hers and pulled her gently, but quite firmly, back to him.

And then he leaned down to kiss her. Not forcefully, but hungrily, passionately. He had wondered for so long what it would be like to be with her, to be desired by her, and to be loved by her. And now that he'd had the tiniest taste of these things, he wanted to know more.

And with that kiss, he learned quite a bit. This woman who lived across the hall from him had opened his eyes to something he hadnt truly realized had existed.

"I think I could maybe learn to love you...." He stated, his voice clearly teasing her. He didnt dare to tell her he already did. He didnt dare just yet, to let down the last of his defenses. To be vulnerable...completely vulnerable. And these words were his only way, at the moment, to tell her. If she knew him well enough, could read him well enough, she would understand the meaning behind his teasing.

[Feliciana Devano]

Felicia smiled at his words and then was nearly shocked as he pulled her closer and kissed her in return. He was hiding this side of him all along! She thought this to herself and returned the kiss.....it was passionate and full of the love that lived in her heart for him. Then he pulled away slightly, and looked at her with beautiful eyes....and spoke something that she read past.

He loved her.....and for the first time in her life, she knew it for sure. Though he did not directly say it....she knew him well enough to know. Her smile brightened ten fold and she moved in a bit closer to him....taking her hand and gently placing it upon his chest. She ran her fingers down the front of his body, following them with her eyes.....and stopping just at his belt. She smiled and took that hand up his arm, and then wrapped it around his neck. With the other, she gently took his hand and placed his arm around her waist......now they were very close....closer than before. She leaned her body against his and looked deeply into his eyes.....seeming to put him into a trance. She leaned in ever so gently, and touched his lips with hers.....pulling away for just a second before returning for something oh so passionate and full....something of dreams that perhaps he had never expected.

It was perfect.....them, together.....just like this. And for the few moments that they stood nearly as one and kissed like they were......it all came together and she knew in her mind that it was meant to be. Gently she pulled away now...and it was like music was filling the air for how melodic it felt around them. The young Apprentice pulled him closer and hugged him tightly, not wishing to ever let go. She kissed his neck softly and then whispered something into his ear....

"This is a perfect love......you and me......."

[SashaKovalev]

He didnt say anything in response, though he agreed, it was perfect. The silence between them was comfortable as each seemed lost in their own thoughts. He hadnt expected this to come out of his trip over to her room. Hed expected to leave angry with her, prove to himself he didnt care. And instead, he'd found himself holding her in his arms.

He sighed softly, contentedly. Until a thought occurred to him, and he pulled back a bit so that their eyes might meet.

He looked into hers for a moment, before he looked away.

When he looked back to her, there was concern in his violet depths.

He wasnt sure what the order thought of this kind of thing. He thought that perhaps it was acceptable, for Lady Vader and Lord Vader had united....but he was but an apprentice, with much to learn, and he wasnt sure how his master or the others might feel about this. But he wouldnt mention it, not to Fel. He didnt want her to worry if there was little cause to worry.

Instead he leaned to kiss the top of her head, as she stood a few inches shorter than his full height, and then he took her hand and led her to the window seat.. It was there that they sat down and he pulled her close to him.

"So what have you been doing while Ive been gone?" He asked, in part to distract himself from the concerns he had, and mostly because he wanted to know.

[Feliciana Devano]

Fel noticed that Sasha seemed.....distracted and perhaps even a bit distant....but she did not bring it up, feeling as though he was trying to hide these evident facts from her. She moved over to the window seat with him and leaned against him softly as she thought of all she had done in his absence.

"I have been studying up on Sith Magic.....and I have been going on training missions....and working with my training partner....quite a curious one he is.....Salem Ave is his name, a Vampire or something like that. I have been learning how to fight with my saber better.....and I have learned how to.....kill. And I have done it several times while you were gone. It seems as though they are making me.....bad....."

She said playfully and leaned over, kissing his cheek softly as she did. Her posture came to rest again as she leaned against him, wondering where he had gone and all he had done. She had forgotten to tell him that she had spoken with the Dragon of the Gardens and they had a rather nice talk.....for he was kind and forgiving of her intrusion without permission.

"So what did you do while you were away?"

[SashaKovalev]

He listened to her as she spoke, and his hand reached to hold hers, rubbing it gently with his thumb as she spoke.

Her training had been going well, it seemed. Either his disappearance hadnt bothered her, or she had done as he had done and sought to distract herself be focusing hard on something else.

He laughed softly as she suggested the sith order was making her bad.

"You've always been bad..." He replied, mirth in his eyes as he teased her.

When she asked of his travels, he shrugged,

"I did a lot of thinking." He answered, "And I worked a lot on the different skills I've been needed to work on.

"In between a few confrontations." He added, his thoughts flickering to Xazor and the brief encounter with her and Terran.

"But mostly I thought of you." His admission hung in the air for a moment. He hadnt wanted to admit this, but now that he had, he somehow felt a little better about it.

"Tonight when I came in here..." He sighed softly.

"I dont know, I was thinking that somehow I'd see you, and wonder why I'd bothered thinking about you. I thought I'd just be able to go on the way I had before you ever moved into the palace."

"When I saw you, you kind of ruined that plan..." He added, his eyes full of amusement, desire, and perhaps even a bit of confusion.

(ooc: Just so you know, started another post for them in the palace - check it out when you have a chance. :) )

[Feliciana Devano]

ooc: Cool......I'll go post there after this post! :)

ic:

Feliciana smiled and squeezed his hand gently at his words. She was a bad girl....but preferred it that way. She listened as he spoke....his words flowing smoothly from his lips as he spoke them in almost a rhythmic fasion. She stared into his eyes and nearly became lost in them until he nuged her a bit. She grinned and her cheeks flushed crimson.

"I though of you the whole time you were away as well......trying to figure out what you meant to me. Then....you came through my door and I knew.....I'm in love......"

She said softly.....nearly a hopeless tone laced the words. She knew that he felt the same for her....it was evident and his eyes did indeed betray him. She smiled once again and looked down at their hands....their fingers laced together gently.

"What have you been thinking about? I hope good things of me."

Fel laughed at her own comment and leaned against Sasha....letting her eyes close slightly as she seemed to breath him in. He was so strong and wonderful in every way. Her mind ran wild with the possibilities of them. She had a nagging in the back of her mind though......something that made her question the approval of their relationship. She hoped that it would work......and be accepted by the elders.....

[SashaKovalev]

He could hear something in her tone of voice as she spoke. It was almost hopeless - as if she had finally given in to the fact that she loved him. As if it scared her, perhaps.

He did his best to reasure her, though he himself had to admit he was every bit as afraid as she was.

It was scary to find a new life, the life of a Sith - of short tempers, betrayal, and darkness and to find somewhere within that someone that you felt you could trust completely. Someone who felt as if they were an extension of your own soul, or perhaps the other half of it that so many people searched forever for.

To find that at their young age was daunting, and with all that had happened throughout both of their lives, it seemed too good to be true.

And of the two choices - to back away and try to forget it existed, or to embrace it and see where it took them - both were willing to leave it to fate. Willing to see what maybe could be.

"What I've just been thinking is nothing you need to worry about." He replied, his voice gentle as he spoke with her. And it was true, for now. When he had the chance, he would speak with his master, and he would ask her thoughts. Or perhaps he would just wait and see...

As he held her in his arms, it didnt seem that anything would be able to destroy what they had at this moment - the innocence of a first true love.

"So who is this training partner of yours?" He asked. She had mentioned him, in passing only moments ago. And though he wished it wasnt there, the slight bristle of jeaously was in his voice as he asked of Salem.

[Feliciana Devano]

Feliciana honestly did not know much of her training partner.....he was decent toward her, and he was a skilled Sith.....but that was about as much as she knew.

"Well......he's nearly my height and he's very dark......he's a vampire. He's been on a Training Mission with me, and he's very secretive about things....and he cannot stand being in the light."

She paused in thought for a moment and smiled, not being able to come up with much else that she knew of him.

"Other than that, I know nothing. Tell me of your Master.....Lady Vader. Her mere presence stopped me from making a terrible mistake.....she is a very admirable woman......"

[SashaKovalev]

It was obvious that he was taking in her every word about Salem. It wasnt that he was insecure, or didnt trust her, or wished in any way to control her or the things she did. It was a natural curiousity, and perhaps he was a bit protective towards her.

He'd been about to ask her something else when she'd asked to hear of Lady Vader. He couldnt help but smile. He admired and respected the woman who was his master.

"What do you want to know of her?" He asked.

[Feliciana Devano]

Fel shrugged slightly and smiled as her mind ran wild with things she wished to know of the powerful woman.

"What is she like? And how does she teach you? What have you learned so far?"

So many questions poured out at once with many more to follow, though she did not wish to overburden him with her curiosity. The young woman giggled to herself and let her imagination play with the possibilities. She was so curious for she herself was not lucky enough to have a Master, but was to train on her own and with her training partner...and group missions. To hear of these things from another with a Master was such joy to Feliciana....

[SashaKovalev]

As she assaulted him with questions he grinned.

"Whats she like?" He repeated, considering this question.

"She's...."He paused, considering his words. How did one explain Lady Vader perfectly? Because anything less didnt deserve to be spoken.

He shook his head.

"I dont even know where to begin."

He sighed softly.

"She's taught me too much to try to tell you. And with me, I think she teaches most by letting me learn from my own mistakes..."

He paused, mid thought.

"The masters on the training missions....do they speak with you after to debrief in any way...?" He asked.

[Feliciana Devano]

Fel smiled to herself as Sasha was unable to describe his Master. She was so incredible that he could not find words to tell of her. Smiling, she listened on until he questioned her about the Masters on the Training Missions. Shaking her head, she sighed a bit sadly.

"Master Jehova and Jeseth lead us on our missions...and they only give us instruction at the beginning...and in the end, we either fail or suceed. It's rather awkward...I have found...I wish that they would interact more with us."

[SashaKovalev]

He could understand her frustration, perhaps, with this sort of training.

"Have you approached either one of them to check in?" He suggested.

"I've only heard a little of what goes on there...but...if theres anything I can help with, I'd be happy to." He offered. This he said carefully, for he was certainly no master. Only one with more experience than her, offering to teach to her what he did know.

(ooc: ugh, this thread is so old. You want to finish it up and start a newer one maybe?)

As he suggested this, an alarm on his watch went off, reminding him of where he was supposed to be in just a few minutes. On the other side of the castle to debrief about his trip with his master.

[Xazor Elessar]

ooc: Sounds like a good idea. Sorry, I'm posting with my other Nic, but it's me, Fel! :lol Yeah, we could start a new one or something. Got any ideas? ;)

ic:

Sasha parted ways with Feliciana and she smiled, thanking him for his company....and then spent most of the rest of her free time, thinking about him.

[SashaKovalev]

(ooc: *grins* Yeah...I do. I'll PM ya...)

[Feliciana Devano]

ooc: Sounds great! :mneh