Forget the midichlorians...

[Lady Vader]

In the process of trying to find a long lost comic strip on Midichlorians that I once saw at TF.N waaaaaaaay back when E1 came out, I came across a site with some hilarity in it. SW hilarity! Oh joy! =D

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Top Reasons why Star Wars is better than Titanic

Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.

Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material, Rose is just marriage bait.

Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

Two words: John Williams.

There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?

If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

"I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"?

Han Solo would've missed the bloody iceberg!

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[Lady Vader]

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STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE

FADE IN:

INT. SPACESHIP

LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with the federation.
EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire plot of a Star Wars film.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

EVIL ALIEN
Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.
INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI

A droid enters.

LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.
EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, -DO-NOT-SWEAR--DO-NOT-SWEAR--DO-NOT-SWEAR--DO-NOT-SWEAR-.

Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.

EXT. NABOO

They run until they smack into some more CGI.

JAR JAR
Who might you be?
LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not really staring at him)
I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming. Take me to your homeland.

JAR JAR
I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to the land from which I have come.

Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling well enough.

JAR JAR (cont'd)
Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go back to Jamaica mon, okeyday?
EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right above Jar Jar)
Good. Do you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to attend to.

JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.

AUDIENCE
Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.

NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.
EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.

NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no, I'm Padme now.

EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.

NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The voice changes don't help you figure this out.

EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!

LIAM and EWAN and, grrr, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.

INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE

JAKE LLOYD
Hi there! Golly I'm cute.
NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.

JAKE LLOYD
Am I the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone you in episode two?

LIAM NEESON
Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I need and free you.

JAKE'S MOM
No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt.
(pause)
Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.

They pod race. It looks really COOL.

GEORGE LUCAS
(attempting subtlety)
Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it! Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do it even more in episode 2.
JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol droid, THREEPIO.

AUDIENCE
He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the original trilogy?
GEORGE LUCAS
Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making up, how do you like the midichlorian bull-DO-NOT-SWEAR--DO-NOT-SWEAR--DO-NOT-SWEAR--DO-NOT-SWEAR- I pulled out of my ass?

They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.

INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL

LIAM NEESON
I want to train this boy.
YODA
Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems. Vague my worries are.

LIAM NEESON
Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to the force. I'm training him.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yoda told you no, muthaf***a. What the f*** is wrong with you, b*****ss? I'll f***in' kill you! I'm gonna be a f***in bad ass in the next two f***in movies, you know. My toy has a f***in lightsaber.

LIAM NEESON
I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then. So there.

He exits.

INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING

IAN MCDIARMID
Damn I'm evil.
Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESEY like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.

EXT. NABOO

NATALIE PORTMAN
I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.
BOSS NASS
One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this whole thing kinda pointless?

NATALIE PORTMAN
No more pointless than the fact that this entire film revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.

They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?


Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber, wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.

Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we really don't care.

Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't care except we want the Gungans to die.

Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the spacebattle, which is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.

INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS

MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of times better than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.

AUDIENCE
Whoa! This is really cool!
Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.

DARTH MAUL
(menacing as hell)
Grrr.
Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose title gives away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto something on the side and holds on for dear life.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.
DARTH MAUL (cont'd)
Muahahahaha.

Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at all. He dies.

EXT. SPACE

JAKE LLOYD
Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee! Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute.
JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is kept. He accidentally blows it to HECK.

JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)
Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!
They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.

EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO

The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.

AUDIENCE
Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care of is actually really significant! Hooray!
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless celebration and kiddie cartoon BS, what actually happened was the future-emperor manipulated everything and came into great power. That one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but thousands more have been created.

GEORGE LUCAS
Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star Wars toys!
THE END

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[Liam Jinn]

lol

[Marcus Telcontar]

Ahhh, a good thing to read when your in a bad mood and wantign to wrap a pan over someone.


Thank you for cheering me up!

[ReaperFett]

I'll post some stuff later :)

[Chase Starwalker]

:lol

[AmazonBabe]

You're welcome, Marcus. :)

I'm glad I was able to cheer ya up and spare the pain the pan would feel upon being wrapped around someone's head. O_o

:D

[ReaperFett]

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/tmmgg/2002/tmmgg020708.gif
http://al.jediknightii.net/dcm/misc/stm.gif

[Alpha]

:lol

[Jedi Master Leia Solo]

LOL...LV!! I love that!! You truly put a smile on my face!
Thank you!

Fett..yours are funny as well :D

Ok..I found a very disturbing pic over the net.

Look at the attachment O_o (wishes Clanpages worked)

[ReaperFett]

Oh, mine are jsut an afterthought ;)


And AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

[Marcus Telcontar]

Awwwww to Leia's pic!

[Jedi Master Leia Solo]

LOL no Fett not an afterthought, Silly!

And..actually that is a cute picture of the baby :D

[Alpha]

Yoda has a cousin?

[Christopher Gue]

http://newimperium.org/humor/Humor08.jpg
http://newimperium.org/humor/Humor09.jpg
http://newimperium.org/humor/Humor11.gif

[Alpha]

:lol!!!! Very nice! First and second are my faves. :)

[Khendon Sevon]

brilliant.

[Chase Starwalker]

niiice job everyone.. :lol