Star Wars Masterpiece Theater

[Jedieb]

[The intro is read with Jedieb's dead on James Mason impersonation, not as good as his Bullwinkle, put pretty damn good nevertheless.]
Good evening and welcome to Star Wars Masterpiece Theater. In this thread you'll some of the greatest scenes in movie history rewritten in the fashion they should have been written in the first place, A STAR WARS FASHION! The greatest talents the SWFans board has to offer have put together these epics for your enjoyment. Sit back and bask in the glow of these literary gifts which have been bestowed upon you for the low, low, low price of nothing. Enjoy and contribute your own scenes.

A Few Good Men
LUKE
I'll ask for the forth time. Is Darth Vader my-

YODA
Answers, you want?

LUKE
I think I'm entitled to them.

YODA
Answers, you want?!!

LUKE
I want the truth.

YODA
HANDLE THE TRUTH YOU CAN NOT!

YODA
(continuing)
Luke, live in a galaxy that has walls do we. And those walls have to be guarded by Jedi with lightsabers. Gonna do it, who? You Luke? You, Solo? You Leia? Greater responsibility have I than possibly fathom can you. Knowledge you weep for, and Obi-Wan and I you curse. That luxury have you. The luxury have you of knowing not what we know: That the secret of your father’s identity, while tragic, saved lives it probably did. And our lie, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, lives it saved.

Want the truth you do not. Because down deep, in places you don't talk about at Toshi Station, on that wall, want me there you do. Need me there you do.
(boasting)
Words like honor, Jedi code, loyalty, we Jedi use. Use these words as the backbone to a Republic spent defending, something we Jedi do. Punchline, you use them as.
(beat)
Neither the time nor the inclination, have I, to explain myself to a boy who who always looked away! Never his mind on where he was, what he was doing! A boy who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom, provided did I. Questions then the manner in which I provide it you do. Prefer, would I, you just said thank you and on your way you went. Otherwise, suggest I, you pick up a lightsaber and stand a post. Either way, I give a damn do not what you think entitled you are to.

LUKE
(quietly)
Is Darth Vader my father?

YODA
(beat)
The job, I did, you sent me to do.

LUKE
Is Darth Vader my father?

YODA
(pause)
GODDAMN RIGHT, YOUR FATHER HE IS!
Told you did he? Most fortunate this is. Pathetic, your whining had become.

[Jedieb]

Yoda on his way to the Jedi Council Chamber
Zealot1"Excuse me, we'd like you to have this flower ( Yoda calmly drops his cane, Force Pushes the man, and begins picking up his pace)
Zealot2 : Excuse me sir, would you . . . ( Yoda ignites his lightsaber and cuts off one of his ankes )
Zealot2 : Donations for the Reverend Moon? ( Yoda leaps over his head while gracefully lopping off both of his arms )
Zealot3 : Jews for Jesus? ( Yoda turns off his lightsaber and Force Pushes him through a window in the Jedi Temple sending zealot3 plummeting to his death ) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Zealot4 : Read about Jehovah's witness? ( Yoda leaps up and head butts him, causing his head to explode)
Zealot5 : How about Buddhism? ( Yoda leaps off the body of the guy he just head butted, reignites his lightsaber and cleaves zealot5 in half )
Zealot6 : Help Jerry's kids? ( Yoda tunrs off lightsaber, tosses it in the air, jumps up, lands on the man's shoulders, catches the lightsaber, ignites it, then drives the blade into his skull)
Zealot7 : Scientology? (Yoda jumps off the zealot's shoulders, lights upon a 30 meter tall Jedi statue, does a triple back flip off of it and lands upon the zealot7's shoulders while he decapitates him with one graceful slash.)
Zealot8 : Avoid nuclear power? (Yoda turns off lightsaber, leaps into the air as zealot7 slumps to the floor, puts his ligtsaber back onto his belt, then unleashes a volley of Force Lightning against the nuclear power advocate that drives him against a nearby wall )
Zealot9, turns away in fear.
Yoda calmly calls his cane back to his hand and then slowly walks to the Jedi Council Chamber.

[CMJ]

"An urgent note from a SW messageboard what is it?"

"It's a place where people sit around and post threads regarding movies, but that's not important right now!"

[Jedieb]

"Alright, now we know what we're up against. Every Jedi named Skywalker who had fish for dinner will begin violently whinning at some point in their teenage years." ( I wanted to go to Toshi station with Biggs and Tank! It's all Obi-Wan's fault! He's holding me back!)

"Just how serious is it Doctor?"

"Extremely serious. It starts with a minor complaint and babbling of the throat. When the virus penetrates the midichlorians, the Skywalker becomes dizzy and begins to have delusions of grandeur. ("You'll find I'm full of surprises." "I'm a slow learner.") They challenge Dark Side Masters who could school them easily. Then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, limbs are lost, and then severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable grueling. At this point, the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence and even more pathetic whinning; "Father..., please!!!!" "Yoda, do something before this evil old bastard cuts off my other arm!" Until finally, the poor bastards are reduced to a quivering, one handed wasted pieces of jelly."

[CMJ]

"My dad says you're kinda lazy and never try unless it's a Sith"

"THE HELL I DON'T! Look, I'm out there bustin' my butt EVERY NIGHT. Tell your old man to try to settle trivial trade disputes all the time."

[Jedieb]

"Wait a minute! I know you. You're Samuel Jackson. You played a junkie in Jungle Fever."

"I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with some-one else. My name is Mace Windu. I'm a Jedi Master."

"You are Sam Jackson! I've seen all your movies. My dad's got all of them on DVD."

"I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Yoda?"

"Nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, bother anyone he is not, stay here we should let him."

"But just remember, my name is MACE WINDU. I'm a Jedi Master."

"I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you've sold out. He said once you started doing commercial movies like Die Hard 3 and Shaft, you turned your back on your craft. He even says Deep Blue Sea was a sell out and that you should be ashamed of yourself. Now he thinks you don't even try to act."

"The hell I DON'T ( grabs boy by collar ) LISTEN KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was in independent films. I'm out there busting my buns on every movie. Tell your old man to act in front of blue screen and make it seem believable!"

"Joey, like movies about Gladiators do you, hmmmm?"

[CMJ]

"Well, it's a big pretty white fighter with a red stripe, guns on the wings, a place for a droid in the back, and it just looks like a big Tylenol!"

[Jedieb]

"Young Padawan, have you ever seen a grown Jedi naked?"

[CMJ]

"I've got to concentrate... [Anakin's thoughts echo] concentrate... concentrate... I've got to concentrate... concentrate... concentrate... Hello?... hello... hello... Echo... echo... echo... Obi's holding me back ... back ...back ....back"

[Jedieb]

Marcus Q'Dunn


The poodoo gonna hit the fan for this one....

[CMJ]

Pilot: "My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're attacking the Death Star at 1800 hours. We're coming in shallow to avoid their big guns. They can't take out small man fighters."

Girlfirend: "When will you be back?"

Pilot: "I can't tell you that. It's classified."

[CMJ]

Yoda: Tell you something I am, all these years I've kept to myself. Mmmm hmm a Jedi I was in the clone wars. One night a badly wounded Jedi they brought in from one of the battles. At me he looked and said, "Yoda, the odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway. I'm glad. ObiWan made the right decision." Mace Windu that Jedi was.
Obi Wan: Mace Windu said that?
Yoda: Mmmm hmmm, at me he looked said to me he did, "Yoda," he said, "Some time, when the Jedi are up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell 'em to get out there and give it all they've got. And win just one for the Bad Mother F#$%r. I don't know where I'll be then Yoda, he said. But I won't smell too good, that's for sure."

[darth_mcbain]

Originally posted by CMJ
"I've got to concentrate... [Anakin's thoughts echo] concentrate... concentrate... I've got to concentrate... concentrate... concentrate... Hello?... hello... hello... Echo... echo... echo... Obi's holding me back ... back ...back ....back"

Now racing in pole position... Sebulba...bulba...bulba...

[CMJ]

You're right McBain..thats what it shoulda been...:)

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop smoking deathsticks!"

[darth_mcbain]

Obi-Wan: It's Jar Jar Binks. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Sy Snootles.

Sy Snootles: [singing] Lapti nek... Lapti nek... WOOOWWWWW!!!!

Obi-Wan: War is hell.

[darth_mcbain]

Oh CMJ - you stink - I was just about to go with that one... :lol

[CMJ]

Damn you McBain...I was gonna do the Ethel merman line(I was gonna use Sy Snootles too)! :P

[darth_mcbain]

Looks like we're on the same wavelength here... :lol

[CMJ]

No kidding. :) I kinda like my George Zip one...really works well if you can imagine the Notre dame fight song playing under Yoda's voice. ;)

[Jedieb]

:lol :lol

[JMK]

Oh my God, this is nuts. I wish I could contribute, but this is high quality stuff so far. I don't want to tarnish that! :lol

[CMJ]

Yeah, I'm having a blast writin' this stuff. :)

[Jedieb]

WARNING - Despite the removal of ALL profanity, some may still find this scene offensive. You have been WARNED!

Lightsaber Training, The Jedi Temple
Master Sergeant Yoda walks down the line to a short, overweight, 5 year old Padawan boy.

YODA
Parents, have any children that lived, did they, hmmm?

PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!

YODA
Regret that, I'll bet they do! You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece! What's your name, fatbody?

PYLE
Master, Leonard Lawrence, Master sir!

YODA
Lawrence? Lawrence, what, of Tatooine?

PYLE
Master, no, Master sir!

YODA
That name sounds like royalty! Royalty, are you? Queen of Naboo are you?

PYLE
Master, no, Master sir!

YODA
Reek poodoo! I'll bet you could suck an Adegan crystal through the negatively charged high energy flux aperture of a lightsaber!

PYLE
Master, no, Master sir!

YODA
I don't like the name Lawrence! Only Neimodians and sailors are called Lawrence! From now on, Gomer Pyle, you are!

PYLE
Master, yes, Master, sir!
(PYLE has the trace of a strange smile on his face.)

YODA
Cute, green, and cuddly do you think I am, Padawan Pyle? Funny do you think I am? Muppet of some kind do I resemble to you?

PYLE
Master, no, Master sir!

YODA
Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!

PYLE
Master, yes, Master, sir!

YODA
Well, any E-chu-ta time, sweetheart!

PYLE
Master, I'm trying, Master, sir.

YODA
Padawan Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds--excactly three E-chu-ta seconds--to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and Force violate you!
One! Two! Three!

PYLE purses his lips but continues to smile involuntarily.

PYLE
Master, I can't help it, Master, sir!

YODA
Poodoo! Get on your knees, Rodian!

PYLE gets down on his knees.

YODA
Now choke yourself!

PYLE places his hands around his throat as if to choke himself.

YODA
By the power of the Force!!! With my hand, Rancor testicles!!

PYLE reaches for YODA's hand. YODA jerks
it away.

YODA
Don't pull my gnarled green hand over there! I said choke yourself! Now lean forward and choke yourself!

PYLE leans forward so that his neck rests in front of YODA's face.

YODA brutally Force Chokes PYLE.

PYLE gags and starts to turn red in the face.

YODA
Through grinning are you?

PYLE
(barely able to speak)
Master,,,,(cough), yes (cough), Master, sir!

YODA
Poodoo! I can't hear you!

PYLE
(gasping)
Master, yes, Master, sir!

YODA
Poodoo! I still can't hear you! Sound off like you got a pair!

PYLE
(gagging)
Master, yes, Master, sir!

YODA
That's enough! Get on your feet!
YODA releases his Force grip on PYLE's throat. PYLE staggers to his feet, breathing heavily.

YODA
Padawan Pyle, you had best square your butt away and start poodooing me Tiffany cuff links... or I will definitely Force you up!

PYLE
Sir, yes, sir!

Yoda
Now, young ones, return to our lightsaber practice we will.

If only my drill sergeant would have been that kind... :(

[Lilaena De'Ville]

:lol:lol:lol!!!!!!!

Ahhh I needed that laugh. :)

[CMJ]

Speaking of "Full Metal Jacket"...this is what the Younglings just finished saying before ObiWan arrived. ;)

"This is my lightsaber. There are many like it but this one is mine. My lightsaber is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my lightsaber is useless. Without my lightsaber I am useless."

[darth_mcbain]

EB - that was priceless :lol

[Jedieb]

:lol :lol
That was good CMJ, reaaall good.

[Jedieb]

Boba:
Dad, you know how I said I shot five men? It weren't true. That Rodian that come at me with a vibroblade, I just busted his leg with a gaffi stick. I didn't kill him neither.

Jango:
Well, you sure killed the hell out of that Kaminoan fella today.

Boba:
Hell ya! (Drinks his Jawa Juice) I killed the hell out of him, didn't I. Three shots and he was taking a poodoo!

Jango:
(Looking at him) Take a drink, Boba.

Boba:
(Drinks) Holy Yoda. It don't seem real. How he ain't gonna never breathe again, ever. And the other one, too. All on account of shootin a blaster.

Jango:
It's a hell of a thing , killing a man. You take away all he's got and all he's ever gonna have.

Boba:
Yeah. Well, I guess they had it coming.

Jango:
We all have it coming, kid.

Boba:
Dad, when you say, WE got it coming, you mean we got oddles of money coming our way, right?

Jango:
Damn, right son. Now, let's go over throat slashing and back stabbing one more time. It took you 3 slashes to kill that second poor bastard.

[CMJ]

This dialogue can almost fit into Episode III word for word if Skywalker is a general of some sort. ;)

Anakin: I killed two people. One was yesterday. He was just a boy and I led him into quicksand. The other was... well... before Mos Eisley. I had to execute him with my lightsaber and there was something about it that I didn't like.
2nd in Command: That's to be expected.
Anakin: No, something else.
2nd in Command: Well, then let it be a lesson.
Anakin: No... something else.
2nd in Command: What then?
Anakin: I enjoyed it.

[Jedieb]

Yoda:
Not want more trouble like you had last year in the Fillmore district, young Padawan. Understand? My policy, that is.
Anakin:
Yeah, well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I cut off the bastard's genitals with my lightsaber. That's my policy.
Yoda:
Establish his intent did you? How?
Anakin:
Well a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a vibro blade and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Alderanian Peace Corps!

[CMJ]

Pre-TPM. :)

Bail Organa: He happens to be the Supreme Chancellor, Palpatine, not you.
Palpatine: That's a mistake that will be corrected one of these days.

[Jedieb]

Mace Windu:
Alright, let's have it.
Anakin:
Have what?
Mace Windu:
Your report Padawan, what have you been doing?
Anakin:
Oh, well, for the past three-quarters of an hour I've been sitting on my butt in your outer office, waiting on you cue ball.

[CMJ]

Man...mine are getting progressively darker...must be me looking forward to Episode III. ;)

Vader addressing stormtroopers before elimination of Jedi: "Today is history. Today will be remembered. Years from now the young will ask with wonder about this day. Today is history and you are part of it. One thousand years ago when elsewhere there was still chaos the Jedi helped bring order to the galaxy. They came. They helped form the city plant of Coruscant. They settled. They took hold. They prospered as the Republic flourished and the republic did likewise. With nothing they came and with nothing they flourished. For ten centuries there has been a Jedi Order protecting the Republic. By this evening those ten centuries will be a rumor. They never happened. Today is history."

[CMJ]

Gotta get back to some light stuff. "Fletch" is one of my all-time favorite comedies. This is what shoulda been the exchange between The Emperor and Luke in ROTJ. ;)

Emperor: What's your name?
Luke: Skywalker
Emperor: What's your full name?
Luke: Skywalker S. Skywalker.
Emperor: What do you do for a living, Mr. Skywalker?
Luke: I'm a moisture farmer.
Emperor: Why are you doing this, Mr. Skywalker?
Luke: I like men. I like to be manhandled. I like you.

[Jedieb]

:lol

And starting for the Lakers, Yoda. 3'1", and 3'6" with the Afro!

[CMJ]

LMAO Eb! Gawd I love this movie.

Trader: Are you a Jedi?
Anakin: As far as you know. Why? Did you steal this speeder?
Trader: I sure did.
Anakin: Well, I'm not even sure that's a crime anymore. There've been a lot of changes in the law.

[CMJ]

ObiWan: There has been a lot of death stick smuggling on Coruscant lately. I have been trying to find out who's behind it, it hasn't been easy ... I don't shower much.

[CMJ]

Jedi bootcamp. ;)

Yoda: Padawan, Noticed I have that last you always are.
Smart Ass Padawan: I'm pacing myself, Master.