Seeking.......(Knights and above)

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor stepped into the Jedi Council room. Her red robes gathered like sand at her feet as she stopped in the center of the room. Usually she wore a happy expression.....but not this day. Her whole aura seemed dark and sad. The Knight knelt to one knee and bowed her head in deep respect for those gathered there.

"Great Jedi of this Order which I am a part. I humbly come before you this day to make a simple request."

Her meek voice echoed through the room and bounced back to her own ears to repeat the words over again. She took a deep breath as she continued to look at the floor.

"This day I feel unworthy to hold the title of Jedi for I have made a transgression against myself, you, the name of the Jedi....and the Force."

Still, the young woman did not raise her eyes to meet those of the other Jedi. She wished to remain as respectful as she could at this time.

"I humbly ask for you to give me some form of punishment....for this very day, and the rest of my life...my hands are covered in the blood of an innocent. Though Master Sage Hazzard thinks that in itself is punishment...I did not wish to keep this a secret from any of you. I know that is not possible, for as I kneel here, you see through me. You know my thoughts and what I will say before I speak it. I do not wish to defy his judgement, but I do not feel that is enough punishment. I..."

She paused a moment and finally raised her eyes to those in the room, hurt showed through them as a few tears slipped down her cheeks. Her soul ached in deep pain as she spoke.

"I have been slipping...gradually my emotions tear at me and pull me down. I....I don't know what to do anymore. I tried Spice for a while, thinking that would cure me and take away my problems, but it didn't. I need your help.....please...."

Her eyes fell back to the floor as her tears created a puddle at her feet. It hurt so badly to have to speak to truthfully to the council and others gathered....but it had to be done.....it had to be if she wanted to stay on the right path. At this moment, she felt like the worst creature that had ever lived...and the worst Jedi to ever be....

[Sage Hazzard]

Sage raised his hand in a slight manner, to indicate to his fellow Jedi and council members, that he wished to speak first.

"Xazor Leo Dawnstrider. Although we all clearly feel the transending pain in your heart, that is not enough for us to lay judgement. Recount the events in your own words. Leave nothing to the imagination."

Sage felt that to recall such events, often showed more about the person in question than anything else. How would she react? How would she speak?

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor slowly raised her eyes to meet those of the Jedi Master...the one who once wanted for her to be promoted to Knight. The one who had a great amount of faith in her...and had given her his lightsaber "Love". Her heart ached even more to have him there...knowing that he probably shamed her also. She nodded and began her story.

"I began slipping when I had an outburst of emotion in a conversation that I was having with Sooling Anjhurin. This was nearly a month ago....and she accused me of still being a murderer. See....I took the life of her brother and almost killed her in "The Great Defeat" on Cysaria...when I was Sith. She does not believe that I have changed, and I became enraged by this. Fellow Knight Navaria Tarkin came and spoke to me. The second came when you, Master Sage, were calling up arms against the Sith. I am quite zealous....sometimes overly so. I had a hatred in my heart for the Sith...and I knew I should not have. Instead of joining you, I went to meditate and sought out the consel of Jedi Master Amazon Babe. The third happened not so long ago when a large group of family and friends went with Verse, Chaos, and I to reclaim our home planet of Eden. I was overcome with anger by the people who had taken our home away from us...and had once taken me from my father. I was riding upon a large wolf, charging for the enemy as they weilded blasters and swords. A man was not to far ahead of me, and when I approached with lightsaber in hand, he raised his arms in the air and revealed that he had no weapons.....he was pleading for his life. I looked away and brought my saber right through his mid-section....taking his innocent life right then and there. All of this because of my anger...because of me. Another happened while I was on the firing range with Kaman Jeris Deliahi, and Marcus Q'Dunn...we were firing shots, and Kaman kept speaking of her gun, and then she displayed her amazing talent. I was a sharpshooter on Cysaria and my skill out does many...and I became jealous because she did not even have to try, unlike me, who has to give it my all and more. I have sought out the counsel of Marcus Q'Dunn. Then, another outburst came in the Bar and Grill...just the other night. Two men were minding their own business and making a few lewd comments about me...and I went off on one of them. I grabbed him by the shirt collar and basically yelled in his face. Master Evanar was there to remind me that I was walking a fine line....so I left to meditate once again...."

She stopped and looked around the room, but brought her blue eyes back to Sage. She hoped that she had not left anything out. By the time she was finished, more tears were rolling down her soft cheeks.....

[Marcus Telcontar]

"I dont believe you need punishment"

Another figure entered the Council room - for the first time openly, the Jedi Master Q'Dunn, years ago known to the Jedi as Turbogeek. Much changed he was, right down to the voice.

"I believe this Knight needs guidance"

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor was shocked when Marcus openly entered the Council chambers. She was relieved to hear his words and look into his gentle eyes.

"I seek whatever the honorable council and anyone else will give me...whether that be punishment, or guidance..."

She said softly, bowing her head in deep respect to the Jedi Master whom she knew so well.

[Marcus Telcontar]

"And if they are a group of Jedi I would seek to be amongst again, then it is guidance I believe they would grant you. Punishment is not the way of a Jedi. Forgiveness is. And this is where you need to learn something Xazor - you must learn to forgive yourself. Can you do that? If you do not forgive yourself, you will continue down the wrong path. To forgive yourself for past deeds is to help you be at peace with yourself"

[Sage Hazzard]

"I have come to my own decision."

He said, abruptly and loudly. Even with the appearence of Q'Dunn, Sage seemed unfaltered in his speech.

"I vote for you not to be punished but rather, re-guided. You have gone astray, as many here have. I would like to assign one Jedi, of seniority, to you. They would be a counciler for you to speak openly to about all things. Someone to confide your most troubling thoughts and emotions in..."

Sage eyed Marcus slightly as he spoke, he clearly had his own idea of who should do the guiding. Looking apon her again, Sage continued.

"You must learn inner peace, as Marcus has said. Only then will you learn to be confident enough not to lash out in jealousy, anger, or misgivings."

Sage's voice softened as he saw a reflection of himself in her.

"Although I would request to know what these gentlemen in the bar said to provoke you into violence. Perhaps your actions were with merit in that perticular case."

Sage had a history of outbursts in the bar. In his mind, those who asked for it, should get it. Of course, Sage was not the spick and span Jedi others were.

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor nodded in reverence to Marcus's words, then listened intently as Sage spoke. She bowed her head and remained silent until he was done, then she spoke.

"I graciously accept anyone to be placed over me, to guide me...please. Master Q'Dunn...it is most difficult to forgive myself when others will not forgive me...but I do...this moment, I forgive myself for the many mistakes I have made. I want to move on...I want to be whole again and stand firmly in the Path of the Light!"

She said softly, keeping her eyes on the floor once again.

[Verse Dawnstrider]

::Verse sat in his Council Seat. His fingers tapping the arm chairs as if in deep thought. After he gathered his thougts he cleared his throat. Then he spoke.::

"There is no question on this matter in my opinion. Punishment would be a moot point. Xazor feels bad for it and is in much pain over this matter. That is more punishment that anyone of us can issue. It is also the most fitting. She punishes herself."

::Verse looked around the room. He took in all the faces that were here. He seemed to be looking at each one. Then desideing on something.::

"There is no question on if she needs guidancece. The real question is who. Some of us here walk a very thin line as well. I may be one of them. Only my peers can say. Xazor needs to learn inner peace. Few can teach that in my opinion. Here is who I think Xazor should ask...

Master Yogurt
Navaria Tarkin
Jubei Vader
Anbira Hicchoru
and possibley Eldrak Gruuhl

I have a reason for all of them. Few are wiser that Master Yogurt. Navaria has much inner peace and is a good example, Jebei Vader has said he will not kill. That a great example to follow. Anbira has been to the Dark Side. All of us can learn from him. Eldrak is very peaceful. The only thing with him is he is still fairly new."

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor remained quiet, embarrassed that her Father had to hear this as well. She was put even more to shame by it, but had to remember to forgive herself once again. She looked up and met his gentle eyes, which were a comfort to her. She looked at the floor once again and thought about what he had said. She did not think that Anbira cared for her too much....and she would hate to face the fact that he was right...she had failed what could possibly be the situation he foretold. Xazor had experienced the counsel of Navaria, and thought her as a good friend. She had never met Eldrak or Jubei.....and had only spoken with Master Yoghurt once, but only for a quick greeting. She did not care who it was...she just wanted guidance....some inner peace as Verse, Sage, and Marcus had spoken of. Hopefully she could find that now.....

[Navaria Tarkin]

"Saying that you have forgiven yourself is a good start but it has been done so quickly. They are just words now Xazor... but in time, you will come to truly mean those words."

Navaria was very accutely aware of the emotions running rampant through this Knight.

"I feel your shame ... your sorrow ... your confusion. Which then becomes understanding, acceptance and forgiveness. You must break the circular pattern you have caught yourself in, only then will you be whole ... at peace with yourself.

Your father speaks wisely but they are only suggestions to what you must decide yourself Xazor. Believe in the Force... let it guide you to the one that can watch you and counsel you. Remember to not let personal feelings cloud your decision. Let the Force show you the path .... and if you truly wish to find that help through one of us... it will light the way."

She turned to face the others present.

"That is how I feel. She must choose someone that she is comfortable with as well as one that will do what is necessary for her best interest so Xazor will not stray from us."

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor nodded in agreeance with Navaria's words. She now had a difficult decision to make...one she almost didn't want to make. Looking from face to face, she let the Force guide her. Who would counsel her best...watch over her so she would not fall...she didn't know. Looking down, she felt hopeless once again.

"I...I don't know. I don't know who can guide me best. Marcus has shown me much patience and I do not wish to make him bear my weight any further. My Father has trained me to the point of Knight and has new padawans to guide. I don't want to keep you tied down to me Navaria...and then that leaves...Anbira...who knows how I feel because he has been here..."

She looked at him carefully, still not feeling completely comfortable in his presence either. She knew she could not let personal feelings in the way, but it was so hard to ignore what she felt when she thought of this. He did know...he had been to the darkside and now he was a Jedi...just as she was. But he had not fallen a second time...she was sure of that. The promise she had made to her father and brother felt almost nothing inside of her now...as if it had been broken and she had betrayed that and the people she loved. Indeed, Navaria was right...they were only words. She still felt terrible about everything...especially this. Sighing heavily to herself, her eyes fell to the floor yet again as she tried to think.

"I honestly do not know. Marcus knows me better than anyone here because we share a life bond...but my father knows me well also. Navaria, you know me fairly well...and Anbira does not know me at all. I need some help!"

She looked up and said, as if speaking to the Force itself. She was so confused and misguided. It was so frustrating to her to finally realize that she did not have all of the answers...that she needed someone besides herself...that she was actually dependant...

[Sage Hazzard]

Sage rubbed his chin, fresh with unshaved hair.

"Jubei or Elderak are prime examples of what a Jedi should be. Yet, their lack of experience would not provide the in-depth council she requires. Anbira would be prime. He knows the Darkside better than most of us and has triumphed over it. "

Sage snugged further into his chair.

"I would leave the decision up to you, my very troubled Jedi. Yet, I sense confusion and turmoil in you. Speak openly your emotions. Let them reveal their own truths."

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor did not wish to show the anger she felt in her heart....not here and now in front of the council and other Jedi. She couldn't help it though.

"I hate feeling like I am stuck in a rut! I am being held back, literally! It has a....a hold on me that won't let go, and no matter who I talk to and for how long....it remains locked around my soul! I am so confused.....I don't know who to choose and what to do....."

Tears ran down her cheeks again as she spoke from deep within her heart...

[Sage Hazzard]

"What is holding you back? And from what?"

The Jedi Master asked, leaning forward with intriuged eyes.

[Marcus Telcontar]

Marcus winced inside when he heard Xazor mention thier Bond. That was not something he had wished for others to know.

"I dont believe male guidance is what she needs. If that was needed, she would have me and she is not a burden. It was my intention to take this up with our young Knight in a more seculuded area, one where she and I could work through this.

I now say that she needs the hand of someone female to guide her. Navaria Tarkin is both wise and honourable, although there is another that would be suited well to this task"

[Navaria Tarkin]

"If that is what she wishes then so be it."

She looked seriously at Xazor.

"And do not think that you would be a burden to me. If you want me to guide you I shall do all I can to help you come to terms with yourself. I've had to do much the same some time ago."

Then Navaria looked to Marcus.

"Of course, there is another option. I believe you speak of Helenias?"

[Jedi Master Leia Solo]

::Leia was sitting back in her counselor chair, listening to everyone. She nodded in agreement with Navaria when she mentioned "Helenias" was the counselor Marcus was hinting towards::


OOC: I am late for this thread. But wanted to show you I am here. Besides..I think this is where Marcus is going ;)

[Marcus Telcontar]

"Yes, I mean Helenias. Although I wont presume to speak for her, I understand she already is a mentor of sorts for Xazor and our young Jedi here trusts her. That in this regard is important, for I believe Xazor needs someone she can trust deeply.

But before that..." The Jedi Master moves forward and places a hand on the Knight's shoulder - "I wish to take Xazor with me on a small journey. I believe this will be of great benefit for her"

He looked rather pointedly at the place, years ago where he sat as the leader of the Jedi, years ago.

"I gave many here a second chance when I sat amongst the like of Figrin and Yogurt as part of the Council. Some of you know of my manner of leaving and what took my place. Be that as it may, those who really know me, knew what store I placed in forgiveness and second chances. I know the Council would do so as well, I can feel it within you. What however I believe Xazor needs first, is to know how that also applies to her and to understand where forgiveness starts. We will be not long gone, but I ask that she does accompany me first and then she be mentored with either Navaria or Helenias"

[Master Yoghurt]

Yog had listened carefully to what had been said, and finally added

"Xazor.. long time have I watched you. Much I admire you.. but hear me on this. What is past is past, and cannot be changed. The future however, is untouched and full of posibilities. Everyone makes mistakes - all the Jedi Masters.. even me. What is important, we learn from them and move on. Knowing the how and why is the key to improve ourselves. Only you yourself know the answer. Only from within, you have the determination to forgive and move on. The fact you are standing here, is proof of your awareness of your mind and actions.. your compassion for others.. your need to understand.. to learn and help others. Those are the greatest traits a Jedi can have"

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor looked at Sage and sighed, standing from her place. She dried the tears on her face and tried to calm down a bit.

"Master Sage...my emotions are what I speak of. They are holding me back from being the Jedi I know I can be."

She listened to Marcus and was comforted when he approached her. She smiled inwardly and when Navaria spoke, it gave her more hope. She bowed her head in respect to both of her friends.

"The journey you speak of, Master Jedi....I am most willing and I open my spirit to knowledge and new possiblities. And Navaria...my friend and fellow Knight...I accept either your guidance or that of Helenias. I trust both of you and I know that either of you would understand me. I humbly thank you..."

She said softly and looked at the floor once again. Then a great Jedi Master spoke...one who was filled with wisdom beyond Xazor's understanding. She bowed in respect to him and smiled at his words.

"I am trying, great Master Yoghurt....but it is most difficult. I yearn for understanding and knowledge to better myself...so that I may honor the name of the Jedi and the rank of which I hold. I thank you for your encouragement."

Her voice shook a bit as she could not believe the compassion that the other Jedi held. It was something that only a few had shown her, and the second chance which Marcus had spoken of....she finally began to see.....

[Navaria Tarkin]

"Good... you listen to Master Yogurt's words well. Take them with you and all that we have said here today as you journey with Marcus. They will be the start of the foundation of this self-discovery and when you return ... I will be anxiously waiting to hear what you have seen and done ... and be prepared if you need my guidance."

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor nodded and smiled. She bowed in respect to her friend.

"Thank you, Navaria...you honor me by accepting this challenge to help me. I take with me all that was said here."

She smiled, this time genuinly.

[Verse Dawnstrider]

::Verse nodded and smiled as well. Maybe he would get something worth while done while he sat in the Council once more.::

"I do not mean harm to Helenias, but I don't she would be a good choice for Xazor. Helenias is a fine warrior. One of teh very best I have seen. She is what all Warrior Jedi should strive to be, but Xazor needs to learn compassion and peace. Xazor is quick to pull the saber out, and slow to put it away. Navaria would be my choice. Different people have different strenghts, and this is Navaria's strenght."

::Verse looked at Marcus and Master Yogurt.::

"It seems like yesterday when I joined the Order. The same words were said to me. Jedi Boricua, may his spirit be with us all where ever he is, had his hands full. Even when I messed up you all were there. I wish to thank you both for sheading your wisdom with us."

::This time Verse turns to look to Marcus.::

"I think she should travel with you this time. You have seen the Darkness and know more than most of us here. I feel honored to know that you wish to help my daughter."

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor smiled at her Father....his words were of the compassion she sought. Instead of becoming angry with her...he seemed at peace. It brought a tear to her eye to know that he cared so deeply for her. She wiped it away quickly and bowed to him as well.

"Well agreed, my beloved father. If Navaria will have me...I wish to learn the great lesson of compassion from her. Indeed, you speak the truth. I draw my weapons quickly and refuse to put them away until I see fit...which usually ends in someone getting seriously injured.....or dying. I do not wish to have this name for myself: Xazor, the killer. A Sith I once battled spoke wise words to me, saying, "You are not as full of the light as the other Jedi...." and my response was, was that he was right. I hate myself for ever saying that. I am a Jedi, and I stand for justice. I accept full responsiblity for what I have done, and this time....now, Navaria, my dear friend...it is not merely words. I do forgive myself for everything....and I want so much to move on. I have high dreams for myself...and at the rate I am going, I shall never achieve them. You have all proven yourselves honorable enough to hold a seat on the council. My spirit is defiant....and traces of malice linger in my soul. I wish to rid myself of this, fully...so that one day, I may have the honor that you hold."

She spoke purely from her heart...every single word a tear drop...a scar being healed on her soul. It seemed as though the weight of Arcan itself had been lifted from her shoulders with that single confession....

[Verse Dawnstrider]

::Verse merely smiled. He brew a straind of hair out of his eyes and leaned back in his chair. His daughter was so much like himself. A Wild spirit, she just needed a little taming though. Not alot, just enough to calm her down.::

"Maybe married life will ease your nerves."

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor had to hold a laugh back. It sounded so stressful to her, but she was hoping. She smiled gently and nodded.

"Perhaps..."

She said softly, trying to maintain her composure.

[Marcus Telcontar]

Marcus bowed before the Council.

"Very well. I will take Xazor with me now. When she returns, Navaria will be her guide."

Marcus' glanced up at his old friend, Master Yogurt

"It does my heart glad to know you still sit on the Council Master Yogurt.You told me once it was an honour to be a Jedi alongside myself, when the Jedi knew me as Turbogeek. Allow me to return the compliment. You and others like you are the reason I stay in the midst of the Jedi. That and Xazor herself. If it was not for her I wwould not have come back. Now Xazor... come with me. We have a ways to go"

[Xazor Elessar]

Xazor bowed before the Council and smiled before turning to follow Marcus.

"Great Council....I shall not fail you again. I will be a great Jedi...I will show everyone."

She then turned and followed Marcus.

"I am prepared for insight and knowledge..."

The Knight said softly, and followed him out of the Council chambers.

[Verse Dawnstrider]

::Watching Xazor and Marcus leave, Verse leaned over to the rest of the Council. He spoke in their minds with the Force so that only they could hear.::

Can any of you see in the future of these two? I have never had those skills. Is the future Light or Dark?

[Master Yoghurt]

"Difficult to see.. always in motion is the future. No Darkness I sense.. just peace and enlightment"

[Navaria Tarkin]

Yes ... Master Yogurt is correct. I too feel much the same. Not clouded at all but they have just began their journey and still walk the halls of Avalon. Who knows what shall happen when they reach their destination.

My thoughts are with them and the Force shall guide them. That is what I do know for certain.

Navaria relaxed in her Council chair and watched Marcus and Xazor leave together. When the young Knight returned, Navaria would have much to do. They would be spending a lot of time together and she would need to be watchful over Xazor. Depending on how things went with Marcus' excursion... the task could prove more difficult or easier. Time would tell but either way... it would be worth it.

Nothing would bring Navaria joy then helping Xazor attain the peace she yearns for.

[Anbira Hicchoru]

:: Anbira remained silent throughout the proceedings. Once Xazor and Marcus had departed, he turned his seat to face the window overlooking Arcan. ::

I fear this is not the end, but the beginning of young Xazor's tribulations.

[AmazonBabe]

:: AB sat silently, listening to the Jedi talk amongst themselves concerning Xazor. She had already spoken with the woman some time ago, giving her council, but it still seemed as though Xazor wanted some form of punishment for her past life. ::

:: It sadden AB that Xazor could not put her past behind her and move on. Not neccessarily hide from it, nor forget it, but certainly not let it rule your every waking hour. She hoped Xazor would some day learn to accept what had transpired during her darker times, and focus on the light to move on. ::

[Jedi Master Leia Solo]

::Leia turned to Anbira whom was sitting next to AB and nodded in agreement with his comment. The whole time this Jedi Master sat there silently...as Xazor's difficulties overcoming her past still remained to trouble the young jedi knight. This truly did sadden Leia's heart::